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Watch Out, Henry! There's A Hole In That There Bucket!
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Watch Out, Henry! There's A Hole In That There Bucket!
The English Essay I Had Way Too Much Fun Writing.
[4,772 words]
Pearl S
I'm a teenager; I like to write, play music, and read old English manuscripts.
[November 2002]
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The Cool Clique (Short Stories) I actually did some reasearch for this, interviewed a few older friends... they don't understand it anymore than I do. [837 words]
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"This is OK. It just doesn't seem to go anywhere and it's confusing. You just needed to find a way to tie everything in this essay together. I liked the last line of this essay, it's a good ending line, But why did you title it Watch Out Henry, There's a hole in that bucket!? I thought this was going to be funnier than it was. The title made me laugh, but in the end I thought this was confusing. Plus I have a headache now, which is not funny." -- Steven T.
"sorry about the headache. i titled it "there's a hole in that bucket" because we were supposed to write an essay contrasting our fantasy selves with our true selves, and writing it made me realize i must have a screw loose. i was angry at first, and then i just let it take me wherever it went. sorry. if it was confusing, well, i am confused. " -- pearl.
"Hello Pearl, sit back and relax, this procedure shouldn’t hurt a bit. 1. Title: I’m not entirely certain the title fits the piece (By the way is this somehow based on the song of the same name?), but if it’s intended as symbolic use I have no particular problem with it. 2. Spelling and Grammar: A few of these worlds I shall give you since they are placed in dialogue, such as “tirading,” “frightwig,” “bedhead,” and “sucky.” I realize what they are supposed to mean, but none of them actually exist in an established dictionary. Related words such as “six year old” and “eight year old” need to have a hyphenated connection. When you write “clichéd” use the little mark above the “e.” “But she laid awake, dreaming.” This is one some highschool English teachers even miss, I have a trick for remembering which version to put in lying around here somewhere, anyway change to “lay.” “…black sweatpants, black mini-skirt, black earrings.“ This would be immediately acceptable within dialogue, but since it’s outside it becomes awkward, and technically should have an “and” placed within, however since this narration is typically conversational in nature I will accept it, but remember that’s just me, there are far worse editors out there. “-mocking her own dreams-“ I’m not sure if you think you’re trying to set up something special with these words but I’d drop the reflexive pronoun, for me it works just fine without “own.” “six-forty-five” Hyphens aren’t used with numbers above 99. With certain numbers such as addresses, telephone #s, and dates and times the number can be placed in digits. However it should never be placed in digits for most ordinary usage such as a person’s age or weights and measures. Consider either “six forty-five” or “6:45.” “…an Greek noble” Try reading that aloud. I’ll accept “eyeshadow,” but I won’t accept “busstop,” You gotta keep ‘em separated. Doo doo doo, you gotta keep ‘em separated. “anger-here’s” Here’s one of the places where you used a dash, but without using the appropriate space it appears to be a hyphen. (This will cause the average reader to re-read wondering what you just said, and that isn’t good, considering the reader has made it this far.) I don’t care for when the “g” is dropped off the ending of words, such as “getting’” or “freakin’.” If this were a true essay, I’d chop your head off for placing what belongs perhaps in dialogue in the exposition, but since as I’ve said this is conversational narrative such as “Pa said we should all pack up our things and get on outta here.” I will accept it. “tree-line” Yeah I’ll go with this one. “green green grass” It’s fine to be redundant for emphasis, but include a comma between your greens, lest someone should think you accidentally did a “was was” sort of deal. Capitalize Toledo. Change “envigourated” to “invigorated.” I’ve accepted all of your nonsense/fantasy words. There are also other wording errors throughout the material, but they are all based on the problems I’ve just pointed out so you know what to look for. 3. Opinion: Strange material, and confusing I imagine for the average reader, however I did come to understand the grief of the protagonist. 4. Options: I know what you’re trying to do by presenting two possible titles to the same work, but you are aware that you’ve included “three.” Drop one. " -- JA St.George.
"thanks for the criticism...this was one i didn't go over before i submitted it...i just sort of wanted to share my plight with other people to see if anyone related. i'm kind of stunned right now, but that's ok, and i'm sure i never would have figured out half that stuff without you. my teacher never said a word. " -- pearl.
"I think the tone of the writing was very good. It comes across as intellignet and barring a few nits here and there well written. I did find it a bit confusing, and not easy to get into. " -- Sooz, Dalton-in-furness, England, Cumbria.
"hey ja st george, pliz com an kritisiz mi gramar. iy rillliy don:t no hau 2 spal. but in reality, that kind of sentence deserves that much attn. however, this was spozed to be constructive critisim, and u wrote a dissertation. u might as well have rewritten Pearl's story, constructed ur own, it woulda been shorter than all that stuff u wrote!!! i am disgusted at the way you picked at every little detail! this is hardly encouraging for any fledgling writer. u must be in the hated category of ENGLISH TEACHER!" -- miriam, milwaukee, wi.
"You totally miss the point Miriam. Sometimes a constructive review isn't all cherries and roses. I'm not the best critic out there, but I do what I can. If you wish to blame me for what effort I have put forth than that is your problem. I don't wish to argue the point. Pearl should receive help and advise wherever and however she can find it, advise that will help her writing. It might not always be pleasant to hear that your work has flaws, even if they are only the reader's opinion, but a writer who wants to become a true professional needs to hear it, or they will never improve. I've never encountered a writer who didn't bleed at the slightest unfavorably comment, but the true writing professional picks his/her bloody self off the floor and strives to become even superior without trying to take reprisals from those who have tried to be helpful to them. I don't normally give indepth reviews because it makes people cry, but I don't apologize for the ones I do. There is a difference between being strict and being mean-spirited, everyone who reviews needs to remember this. Review as you would like to be reviewed, but don't hold back, let them know where they've gone right and where they've gone wrong." -- JA St. George.
"Amen to that! And don't bitch Miriam! JA is one of the people who actually "DO" give a real review. To scare away anybody else who does that like Sooz would just be dumb." -- Samantha.
"It sounds like this Miriam has never seen a real review, like the type you can get at www.writersbbs.com, that's why she was so shocked to actually see something beyond a one-word comment that you usually see around here. While Mr. St. George did an adequate review job, I think you could get much more for your work at the WBBS. Just sign up, and if you have any questions, just ask for Carmen Montayo, or one of the other guides to help show you around the site. Short little reviews are nice, but if you're interested in writers helping writers, than the BBS is the place to go. I see promise here in your work, go with it." -- Carmen.
"thanks...i'll check it out." -- pearl .
"Ok, i hope this qualifies as a 'real' review... but i really liked your story. it was interesting, and kept me entertained. youve got some real and honest stuff to say, and i like that youre not afraid to say it. this rocks!" -- lindsay, MO.


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© 2002 Pearl S
December 2002

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