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The Adventures Of Archie 5a - The Army Surplus Salesman
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TITLE (EDIT)
The Adventures Of Archie 5a - The Army Surplus Salesman
DESCRIPTION
Archie learns the truth they try and keep from us, that being disembowelled is fun, meets a descendant of the Piltdown man and travels to the army surplus fair to find Little Boy is no bargain.
[913 words]
AUTHOR
Xoggoth
ABOUT THE AUTHOR
-
[March 2004]
AUTHOR'S OTHER TITLES (25)
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The Adventures Of Archie 4a - The Great Regurgitato (Short Stories) Achie learns of the greats of bodily functions and meets the greatest of them all. [781 words] [Humor]
The Adventures Of Archie 4b - The Great Regurgitato's Tale (Short Stories) Continued. [823 words] [Humor]
The Adventures Of Archie 6 - A Peaceful Solution (Short Stories) Following a Little Boy explosion Archie find himself on a desolate plain and meets two tribes who are too stupid to realise that war and bloodshed are by far the most efficient means of resolving disp... [1,271 words] [Humor]
The Adventures Of Archie 7 - The Puzzleman's Tale (Short Stories) Archie finds he is not alone in the valley. He shares it with a man in a very strange prison. You have to endure a little homily on man's inhumanity to decorating materials first. [2,988 words] [Humor]
The Adventuresof Archie 5b - The Army Surplus Salesman's Tale (Short Stories) Continued. [1,116 words]
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The Adventures Of Archie 5a - The Army Surplus Salesman
Xoggoth

The back end of Archie made a fearful pop under the huge tyre of the big red lorry and his entrails squished out most hideously. He knew that he had made an alimentary (<----Joke) mistake by running into the road like that. His fluffy white tail, still perched on his nose, surveyed the carnage of Archie's beam end. "Hey that was a bit of luck!" it chortled, "that should have been me in the middle of that lot!"

Archie was surprised to find it was not painful at all. In fact it felt rather good. In fact... it felt fantastic; it was the greatest feeling he had ever had. He had made the same discovery that billions have made before him, violent dismemberment is fun. The government conceals the truth for its own selfish ends. They just want us to go on with our miserable intact existences in boring jobs so we can keep paying the taxes that finance their luxurious lifestyles, which include being squashed at regular intervals. They hide this (except Robin Cook) with make up and special TV effects.

"Really sorry about that" said the driver. He was an ugly but cheerful looking individual with orange hair and a great jutting jaw. Everyone you meet near the B2102 has a great jutting jaw as they are all descended from the Piltdown Man who was found in those parts. What's that? it was a hoax?. Well in the end it was I know, but it took quite a while for that to be revealed and in the meantime that Piltdown Man had shagged every woman in the area. You know what they say about huge jutting jaws and the ladies were not disappointed, as I understand it. The jutting jaw man scraped Archie off the road. "You missed a bit" said the tail. "Sorry", said the jutting jaw man, rescuing a few yards of entrails from the stinging nettles. "Nice entrails" he added. Archie was pleased with the compliment, he had always thought they matched his eyes.

The JJM took Archie home and tucked him up where he made a rapid and almost complete recovery. If that seems a bit preposterous after his back end had been utterly squashed I suggest you are ignoring the fact that he is the hero of this tale and heroes are more than usually resilient even in films that are SUPPOSED to be realistic. They get knocked around, flung off skyscrapers and blown through plate glass windows to emerge with a faint trickle of blood from the right hand corner of the mouth. (It is always the right hand side, have you noticed that? Have you ever suspected there is some secret message in everything or is it just me?). The principle has already been established; I am just stretching it a bit that's all. Whose story is this anyhow? I said almost complete recovery. His back end always stayed extremely flat, so whenever he walked fast or even slowly into a brisk wind, it had a tendency to take off like a frisbee.

The JJM's real name was Honest Bulbo and he travelled around the country selling army surplus stuff he had purchased cheaply or acquired by illicit means. By the time Archie had recovered it was coming up to the official forces surplus vending season, so he went off with Bulbo on a nation-wide selling trip. Honest Bulbo was good company and Archie enjoyed riding with him in the big red lorry, especially when they ran over animals or people. "Whoooh, I bet that hurt!" said his tail as an old lady bumped beneath them. They did not stop. Pointless; not being a heroine the old lady would have stayed well and truly squashed and there was nothing they could have done about it. (Except laugh)

Doris had been such a nice old lady too, and what was even sadder was that her budgie Pete would probably be left alone in her pokey flat to die a slow lingering death from starvation, desperately searching through the husk for one last seed. The old lady should have been Catherine Zeta Jones or Julia Roberts while there was still time. She had told herself at least a hundred times in the last year "I really must get round to being Julia Roberts tomorrow". Had she done so she would have been sitting in the road with nothing worse than a thin trickle of blood from the corner of her mouth. But when tomorrow came there had always been a kitchen cupboard to be cleaned out first or a quick pop to Tescos for a quarter of cheddar and it would end up being postponed another day. What a shame.

The warm cab rocked soothingly as the suspension bounced over pheasants, squirrels, badgers, old people, small boys, common people, posh chaps with glasses, atheists, Christians, Muslims, blacks and whites alike without a hint of discrimination. Not that Bulbo had any choice about that. The extended tachograph beneath the dashboard recorded the ethnic origins and religious beliefs of anything that disappeared beneath the wheels. He had once nearly been prosecuted because a worn bearing had caused a disproportionate number of Jews to be caught by the rear offside. In case you are wondering, most badgers are Presbyterian. Archie felt very content as he dozed, listening to Bulbo and his garulous tail chatting away. Bulbo puffed on his pipe, swerved briefly to scoop up a couple of merchant seamen and began thoughtfully.

      
      

 

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COPYRIGHT NOTICE
© 2003 Xoggoth
STORYMANIA PUBLICATION DATE
March 2004
NUMBER OF TIMES TITLE VIEWED
1850
 

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