AUTHOR'S OTHER TITLES (17) Anywhere The Wind Blows (Poetry) Just a short poem about moving on. [81 words] Can We Get A Wild Animal (Children) Childrens picture book [131 words] Dear Valentine (Poetry) Valentines Day poem to a girl I like. [171 words] Gonna Fly (Songs) Folky country loner type song. [92 words] It Used To Be Okay (Songs) A song that the verse writing was never finished, maybe never even started. [99 words] I've Been A Fool (Songs) Bluesy. First two verses of new song, verse, chorus and bridge to come, from where I don't know yet. Help [56 words] Rather Be Alone (Songs) -Country twangy song [140 words] Roofus (Part 1) (Children) Story of 10 year old boy, his trusty assistant, and a long day of mishaps. [885 words] Roofus (Part 3) (Children) Childrens [923 words] Roofus (Part4) (Children) -Childrens story [1,345 words] Roxy The Mambo Monkey (Children) Childrens Book. Rhymes, rhymes and more rhymes, I just cant stop them. [599 words] South Side Of Town (Songs) Lonely country style ballad. [237 words] Summertime In California (Songs) Song about summer day in California. [125 words] Take Me To The City (Songs) Another slow mellow tune [77 words] Waiting There (Songs) Another mellow song [86 words] You And I (Summer Sky) (Songs) Mellow little song or poem about an old friend who's gone now. [57 words] Your Lovers Dreams (Songs) Old style spacey rock, somewhere between Riders on the Storm, TB Sheets and Sympathy for the Devil.(obviously nowhere near them) [97 words]
Roofus (Part 2) Patrick Fell
Dirty Harrison. "The Worlds Most Famous Detective Of Homes And Gardens".
Now of course, being a top notch sleuth is not nearly as glamorous
as being a world famous wildlife photographer, but it has its perks.
For instance, I'm pretty sure I get free doughnuts, (which is nice)
and, if I had a car, I could probably put a flashing red light on it. And I could
get one of those police radios and say cool things like, this is 1 apple 20
in hot persuit of an Oh-620,S-bound 405 crossing the 105 at 0h-9-30, I need a
bear in the air and spikes on the ground, copy this, roger that, 10-4 and over.
Oh yes, it does have its perks.
But right now theres no time for day dreaming, I have an investigation to conduct.
Someone, or something, is either protecting dragon-flies or
taking random pot-shots at passing birds. It's up to me to find out who,
(or what) and why.
First things first. What do we need to begin a first class investigation?
Thats right, juice boxes and sandwiches. We could be here for hours. And leaving
because we're hungry or sleepy is not an option. Next we'll need some
tools of the trade. A magnifing glass, an evidence bag, caution tape,
chaulk, some sun block and those things that cover your shoes,
so we dont contaminate the crime scene.
Next we'll need something to go on. Some clues. Some good solid leads.
I yelled for my assistant, "Roxy, Roxy." And I turned around, just in time,
to see her pull the patio table over, to get to my peanut butter and jelly sandwich.
It was becoming apparent that I would be flying solo on this investigation.
Our first order of business: Find the projectile.
It will be the first link in our chain of evidence.
Finding something, when you don't know what your looking for, is not easy.
But in this situation, luck is on our side. There is, what appears to be,
a yellow seed of some kind, in a pile of feathers, right there on the lawn.
Our first piece of evidence, I holler to my assistant, "bag it and tag it"!!!
She must have thought I said,"start ripping apart the patio furniture",
Oh well, I think I can handle a simple bag and tag.
Next mission, we'll need to assertain the direction from which it came.
Then, estimate the velosity, coinciding with wind speed and direction.
Divide the trajectory, multiply resistance ratios, subtract the gravitational pull,
add in the feather factor and....... voila, I think it came from the bougainvillea bush.
Though the bougainvillea is lovely to look at, I have recently discovered
that it is one very thorny advisary when investigated.
After three, "ouch's," two whimpering, "AARRRGS." and one blood curdling,
"SANTA MARIA ALBERGETTI," I decided, in painful deliberation, to add
band-aids and big, thick, heavy duty gloves to my investigational
tools of the trade list.
Once inside the bougainvillea, the investigation could begin.
Looking left, looking right, I could see no obvious signs of a missle launch.
I'll have to go deeper. Push back branch on right, pull back branch on left and,
"whack" (note to self, add safety goggles to investigational tools of the trade list).
Time out.
Listen up, any of you amatuer investigaters. When pushing or pulling
branches out of your way, be sure to duck when you let go.
This is of the highest importance when said branches have thorns.
The trauma from that, lesson learned, would be lessened if the lesson was learned
from a branch a little less thorny.
Thats all I'm going to say about that right now, I need to go lie down now.
Okay, time in.
Once properly attired for a reconassance mission, such as this, it's important to
stay focused, dont let your mind wander from your objective.
Your senses must stay accutely tuned in to your surroundings.
Your ears must become your radar beacon. Hearing a leaf crinkle,
or a twig snap under the foot of an advisary, can mean the difference
between victory and possible injury.
Your sense of touch becomes your....well, you really cant feel much of anything
in the heavy gloves, but do your best. Your sense of smell and taste
will come in handy in some cases, but not so much in this one.
You keenest sense, in an investigation of this type, is your sight.
And if it's in your own backyard, you'll have a distinct advantage.
If something looks out of place, or tampered with in some way, you'll notice it.
Scanning the area, analizing each little nuance of each leaf and limb,
looking for any sign of movement, any sign of anything out of the ordinary.
We know he's here somewhere, but where.
It's beginning to look like our "shooter" is also a very good hider.
We're going deeper now into the dreaded bougainvillea.
Quiet, what was that sound....
It was faint but it was... something. I whisper to my assistant,
"cover me, I'm going in". But I guess she thought I said,
"quick, start yanking down the laundry from the clothesline".
Under this limb... around and up over that limb and...
I can see something through the leaves ahead,
it's a....could it be a...I think it's a.....spider.
"SPIDER???... RUN FOR YOUR LIFE!!!!! RUN FOR YOUR LIFE!!!!!"
As I'm screaming, I hear my trusty assistant running toward me, finally, for once,
she's actually going to help me and a warm fuzzy feeling came over me.
And for a second, I forgot about my fear of spiders. I felt calm and in control.
But that second was very short lived. My trusty assistant, in her infinite,
yet clumsy youthful exuberance, jumped on me, sending me,
face first, (in super slo-mo by the way) into the exact middle of the spider web.
I cannot begin to tell you all the things that flashed through my mind, in that
split-second, but I knew one thing was about to happen.
I knew I was about to sceam. And once that kicked in,
I knew something else was about to happen. I knew I was about to panic.
And once that kicked in, I'm not really sure what happened next.
The next thing I knew, I was back on the lawn, ripping off my clothes,
spining around in frienzied circles, doing some crazy looking
swatting thing, all over myself, while franticly jumping up and down like a mad-man.
My assistant was in a frienzy, franticly jumping around too.
Not helping me of course,
unless you call tearing all my clothes to shreds, helpful.
There's no time to deal with her right now, there is much to do and
precious little time to do it. No, not with the investigation, all that stuff
I said about focus and using your senses and dedication, is important yes....
But first things first. Drop and roll, DROP AND ROLL!!! Oh wait, thats for fire.
What do you do for spiders????
Quick, the hose and the pressure sprayer nozzle!!! Crank it on full blast!!!
The water's cold, the pressure stings a lot and it seems to be
pulling out my hair but I feel a little better and, while I'm at it, I think my
assistant could use a shower too.
After using up half the citys water, I decide it's safe enough to go inside
and do a visual inspection, using an elaborate system of mirrors and lights.
That spider could be hiding in that area in the middle of my back that I can't reach.
Then I'll have to lie down for a while.
Okay, time in.
Sorry about that outburst. Spiders just freak me out sometimes.
But I did a little research and reading about them and there really not that bad.
Unless you live in the Austrailian outback, which I don't, or after reading that,
will I ever. Very few can acually hurt you at all. Oh well, live and learn.
After some careful deliberation I have decided on my new
bougainvillea bush investigational attire.
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