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A humerous essay written on how to pick-up women.
[990 words]
Kylan Masters
Kylan has been writing for the majority of his life. After winning some literature contests in grade school, writing became a hobby that he carried with him. During college, some of his essays were used for a Creative Writing text book, and since then he has pursued writing in a more professional area.
Kylan currently lives in Fond du Lac, WI, where he works full time as a Radio DJ and website designer. During his free time, besides literature, Kylan enjoys drawing, the martial arts and football.
[August 2002]
[email protected]
Picture In Picture (Poetry) A man trying to decide what is real, what is not and if he can wait for the real answers. [147 words]
The Almighty Hand (Short Stories) A humerous short story written. It asks the question of "Who is really playing God?" [1,066 words] [Comedy]
The Best Friend (Essays) I wrote this essay because so many guys came to me and said that they had these best friends that they felt this great connection with and wondered why it couldn’t be something more. I realized that ... [1,429 words]
The Out-Path, In (Poetry) Sometimes one has to travel through the storm to find the sunshine. [262 words]
The Window (Poetry) A poem written for those hoping for the courage to do what may seem tough to handle. [222 words] [Romance]
Kylan Masters

“It’s here, it’s here, it’s here,” you yell with an excited anticipation in your voice.  
You sent away for this video almost two months ago.  It was that night after the messy 
break up with Sarah.  You sat at home, sulking and wallowing in self-pity.  The cold, malt 
beverage in your right hand was your only true friend.  Your left hand wiped potato chip 
crumbs off your drooping stomach as you reached for the remote.

	Immediately, the flickering box began rotating the mindless dribble being 
broadcast into your living room.  After skipping past another showing of Sports Center, 
turning over an old episode of Scooby Doo, and pausing momentarily at some skin-flick 
on Cinemax, you finally settled on the Shop-At-Home Network.  You were intrigued by 
the spokesperson selling his wares.  You felt the need to listen to this man whose arms 
gestured in wide arcs as he talked excitedly about his products.  You felt an instant bond 
with the greasy-haired fellow.  Within moments you rolled your bulk towards your phone, 
and used your potato-chip-encrusted finger to dial the number flashing at the bottom of 
your TV screen.  

Now you find yourself staring at the freshly delivered package.  You rush inside 
and tear at the thin paper coating off the item.  After ripping at cardboard and 
Styrofoam for a seemingly infinite amount of time, you come across the videocassette 
buried deep within.  You put the video into the VCR with such force, you have to wonder 
why nothing broke.  Impatiently you fumble for the ‘play’ button, and wait for the 
machine to whir to life.

"Welcome, friends.  My name is Jimmy ‘The Mac’ Doogan.  I thank you for 
purchasing this video, 'The Jimmy Mac Way to Pick Up Women.'  In the next half-hour, 
we will cover ways for you to attract members of the female species.  We guarantee that 
your love life will improve, or your money back.  I, Jimmy ‘The Mac’ Doogan, have 
perfected ways to pick-up women, and we now pass them on to you.

“Now, I ask you this:  How many times have you had to attend the boss’ birthday 
party or Christmas get-together?  I know how awkward and difficult these occasions can 
be.  So why don’t we make them a little more enjoyable? Now would be the perfect 
opportunity to work on our skills of female persuasion.

"One thing to remember about attempting to approach women in this situation is 
they will most likely be smarter than you.  I don't want to say that you’re dumb, but the 
women you find at these parties are usually in the upper ends of intelligence.  The up side 
to this is smarter women translate to smarter moves in bed.  Unfortunately, smarter 
women also translate to you working harder.  Therefore, remember to not sell yourself 
short, but don't be caught lying.  

"Go into the party with one intelligent phrase.  Use it in a conversation with your 
chosen woman, and let her do the rest of the work.  Keep the phrase vague and her 
thoughts will fill in the blanks, doing most of the work for you.  When she responds to 
your phrase, don't agree or disagree with her.  Use her response as a springboard to other 
conversations where you bring up a topic and allow her to furnish the details.  She'll think 
you're intelligent; you'll think you will be making her breakfast.

"Now, I know that you may have doubts.  'But that plan supposedly works at 
parties with alcohol?'  Ok, wiseguy, about we talk about picking up a woman at a little 
more difficult spot.  When was the last time you thought of attracting a woman on a train 
or a bus?  Probably never?  Am I right?

"Now is the time to be nonverbal.  First pick out your woman, and get real close 
to her.  Grab onto the strap next to her and let your body do most of the talking.  Don't be 
grippy or she'll slap with sexual harassment.  Instead, let the movement of the train allow 
you to gently bump into her, while bringing up generic, non-threatening small talk.

"Studies have shown that what you are saying is only remembered ten-percent of 
the time.  In another words, it doesn’t matter what you are saying.  It is all in how you say 
it.  Tone of voice and body movement count for a whopping eighty-percent of an 
encounter.  Keep the conversation upbeat but simple, and she should be making a stop at 
your place.

“With my fool proof plans, hundreds of men, like yourself, will be approaching 
women in those various situations.  That may be a problem.  Hundreds of men may mean 
a lot of competition.  So, how would you like a place to pick up women that no one else 
has ever imagined?

“The hospital has long been thought of as a place of healing.  I believe that it 
might be time to do a little love healing of your own.  I hope you saw Patch Adams, 
because it is time to bring love with laughter.

“Find a pretty lass on a gurney and make her laugh.  Laughing releases endorphins 
into the blood stream, increasing her heart rate.  While helping her heal, you will be 
helping your chances of raising her blood pressure in a good way.  Don’t do a stand-up 
routine, though.  Get her laughing in a manner that involves her participation.  Allow her 
to think that you are a funny guy, but not an overbearing one.  Translate her laughter into 
meeting outside the hospital!

“Now you can head into the world, and test your new skills.  I, Jimmy ‘The Mac’ 
Doogan, guarantee your success.  If you can’t get yourself a woman with the tactics that 
we covered, I will refund your money.  Whether you find your next girlfriend at the 
company Christmas party, on your way home from work, or in Mercy Medical; don’t 
forget the man who brought you there.  ‘The Mac’ says enjoy your new relationships.”



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© 2001 Kylan Masters
August 2002

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