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TITLE (EDIT)
Joseph Petes
DESCRIPTION
It is a fictional rollercoaster ride for the lover of Tartino and people who love twists
[5,019 words]
TITLE KEYWORD
Action
AUTHOR
Gary W Hall
ABOUT THE AUTHOR
Secretive and imaginative.
[June 2002]
READER'S REVIEWS (1)
DISCLAIMER: STORYMANIA DOES NOT PROVIDE AND IS NOT RESPONSIBLE FOR REVIEWS. ALL REVIEWS ARE PROVIDED BY NON-ASSOCIATED VISITORS, REGARDLESS OF THE WAY THEY CALL THEMSELVES.

"Message for Alberta: As you can see, I�ve made no attempt to criticize the writer personally. All the criticism that I�ve made is directed at the play itself without any prejudice to the writer. All of it is constructive, and there is no suggestion that the author is incapable of writing well. However, in addition to the reasons I�ve already given, there is another major reason why people don�t critique, and that is because no matter how carefully the critique is orchestrated, the writer being critiqued may feel somehow slightest by the least favorable comment of the work, and thus feel the need to retaliate by questioning the reviewer�s capability to critique objectively, or the writer may do worse. I�m not saying that this will happen due to this particular critique that I�ve delivered, which is fair and honest, and hopefully helpful to the writer willing to improve his/her work, but since this is an unmoderated forum it could happen. Many who critique are afraid of getting blasted by those they attempt to help, and so they simply give up. On the site I�ve given you regarding critiques, since it is moderated you never have to worry about someone shouting back at you. What�s more, those writers who will post there, aren�t just looking to display his/her work, but also truly desire a critique, so the chance of them getting upset by a good critique is greatly lessened. Message for author: The story was captivating from the very first few paragraphs. It is always good to open a story on an action, it doesn�t need to be a violent action, but any interesting action, especially one with conflict is a good way to make an introduction, and gets the story moving. Did I enjoy reading it? I honestly prefer to read work in prose format, but that is just preference. What type of person would this book appeal to? This type of work would appeal to a person who enjoys Central or South American crime drama, but wouldn�t play well to American tastes where accuracy is a must. The way the play is written now I don�t think that it has sales potential. What could be changed? Eliminate the confusion. There are flashbacks that are not indicated, as well as scenery. The reader loses track of where and especially when they are. Additionally the actions of the characters don�t seem to fit any real actions people in these positions such as police officers would take. The law may be different in �Mexico?� but the actions taken don�t seem to be coherent with actual procedure. Much of the dialogue sounds phony and gives the impression that the characters do not know how to speak properly. The plot scenario is weak, reminding me of a sequence of events that might occur in a comedy, but not in a crime drama that is striving for accuracy. For instance there is no solid explanation of why a crime boss and a police organization would agree to let a non-legal specialist take care of police negotiations, and even worse, they grab some �bank-teller?� The scenes mostly seem strung together, and actions in them materialize from nowhere such as a wrestling ring in a hotel lobby and a curious ambush in a warehouse on a hostage negotiator, Joseph, for no given reason, and extremely elaborate, especially since a hit on Joseph could have been performed much more simply and effectively. Suggested improvements would be? Study real life crime and punishment, especially how real procedure is carried out. It would also be to the author�s advantage to not give character�s multiple names for no reason, such as Haas and Hass or Julia Gear who also suddenly becomes Maria Cortez. Because this is a screenplay, the place you interject the credits, which you list as "titles" is inappropriate. I'd personally do it before any major action or during a slow opening scene. Since this is a play you can easily indicate flashback and change of scenery by just stating in captions Flashback and Scenery Change, making sure to include exact times, dates, and locations to make it easier to follow. Studying professional scripts wouldn�t be a bad idea either, to identify the proper layout of a script. Remember that a script should be written with the two most important elements being dialogue and stage directions (in a short story it�s just the opposite, never include stage directions). You want to write a play so that actors would actually be able to perform it just using the script. It isn�t necessary to go all-out in the detail department, since you�re the playwright and not the set designer nor the wardrobe department. Giving sensory information is only useful for �setting the stage,� literally. It doesn�t help the actors reading the lines either, to know what they are already wearing and seeing. Excess information that doesn�t help the actors to act is a liability to a play. I know that it doesn�t make for fascinating reading, but it isn�t supposed to, that�s what stories are for. A play is a script that allows actions to be taken in an orchestrated sequence. Example from the play �The Clod�: SCENE: The kitchen of a farmhouse on the borderline between the Southern and Northern states. TIME: Ten o'clock in the evening, September, 1863. The back wall is broken at stage left by the projection at right angles of a partially enclosed staircase, four steps of which, leading to the landing, are visible to the audience. Underneath the enclosed stairway is a cubby-hole with a door; in front of the door stands a small table. To the left of this table is a kitchen chair. A door leading to the yard is in the centre of the unbroken wall back; to the right of the door, a cupboard, to the left, a stove. In the wall right are two windows. Between them is a bench, on which there are a pail and a dipper; above the bench a towel hanging on a nail, and above the towel a double-barrelled shot-gun suspended on two pegs. In the wall left, and well down stage, is a closed door leading to another room. In the centre of the kitchen stands a large table; to the right and left of this, two straight-backed chairs. The walls are roughly plastered. The stage is lighted by the moon, which shines into the room through the windows, and a candle on table centre. When the door back is opened, a glimpse of a desolate farmyard is seen in the moonlight. When the curtain rises, THADDEUS TRASK, a man of fifty or sixty years of age, short and thick set, slow in speech and movement, yet in perfect health, sits lazily smoking his pipe in a chair at the right of the centre table. After a moment, MARY TRASK, a tired, emaciated woman, whose years equal her husband's, enters from the yard, carrying a pail of water and a lantern. She puts the pail on the bench and hangs the lantern above it; then crosses to the stove. MARY. Ain't got wood 'nough fer breakfast, Thad. THADDEUS. I'm too tired to go out now; wait till mornin'. [Pause. MARY lays the fire in the stove.] This script could work. It has interesting possibilities that could be played around with such as the bad guy in the seat of power and his daughter that may or may not be a hostage or may or may not be a criminal. It does have interesting potential. The opening scene doesn�t present the protagonist's main problem that remains unclear in the beginning. There is no emotional conflict WITHIN the main character. Also, between the main characters we never get a chance to see any of the character�s emotions from the inside. Emotional conflict is part of what gets readers interested. For example: love vs. loyalty; greed vs. duty; fear vs. desire; revenge vs. self-doubt. There is enough conflict between the characters, expressed through action, dialogue, and attitudes. The characters did not have the potential to transform each other. C. Plot 1. Was the main plot clear and believable? The plot is understood, but no it was not believable. 2. Did the main character have a clearly defined problem to solve? Did you feel by the end of the piece that this problem was solved or did the character become resolved to live with it? The problem appears to be solved, though there are some unclear points at the very end, such as what is happening to whom. 2. Were you able to determine the time and place of the story quickly enough? I believe the story was set in contemporary Central or South America, though the author doesn�t specify. Also there is confusion about the times that actions occurred within the script, especially since the use of flashback was employed without any indication. 3. Did the story start at the right place? Did it end at the right place in the plot? It�s my opinion that it did not. I believe it would have been more effective to bring all of the flashback to the forefront of the play. The story did however end after the climax, despite some confusion at the ending. 4. Are there scenes which do not seem to further the plot? Yes. A notable scene is in the very beginning, where the protagonist Joseph is relaying information to two would-be assassins in the form of flashback throughout the story. If this were eliminated nothing would be lost. Any necessary information could just be added to the actual story. 5. Were there too many flashbacks, which broke your attention? Yes, for reasons stated above. 6. If the piece was a short story, were there too many subplots? If the piece was a novel, could it be improved by more attention to the subplots or have more subplots? Conversely, does it have too many subplots and you got confused about what was happening? This was neither a short story, nor a novel, and there were no subplots that interfered with the story. 7. Was every subplot useful? Did it add to the overall story or did the author seem to stick it in just for complexity? N/A 8. Pacing: Did the plot/subplots move fast enough to keep the reader's attention? There was lag, especially in scenes where actions were occurring that seemed out of place. 10. Resolution of conflict: Did the conflict and tension in the plots and subplots come to some reasonable ending? Or did the author leave us hanging, wondering what happened? When you finished, were there things that you still felt needed to be explained? If the author did leave some conflict unresolved, did they indicate somewhere that future stories are pending? The conflict was not adequately resolved. I am uncertain about who might have been given a bomb and it is unknown what might have happened. This was obviously intended for suspense, but as stated above there is ample confusion in the scene. D. Setting 1. Is there enough description of the background in the story to paint a picture that seems real enough for the reader? Did you feel that you were transported to 'that time or place'? The author uses description where it has no effect, but fails to set the stage for necessary scene clues. I didn�t feel transported to that time or place, and wasn�t quite honestly sure where it was at all. 2. Was there too much description so modern readers might tend to become bored? Was the description written with cliches? The description wasn�t over done, and there were no clich�s that I picked out. 3. Did the author use good enough names for people, places, and things? Names help set the tone for a story. Were some names of people hard to keep track of? Did some names seem inconsistent with the character? Were the names too stereotypical? The names were adequate, though it became difficult to distinguish some characters from other characters. 4. Did the author convince you that people in that time or place would behave that way? No. Several of the characters� actions seemed inconsistent with the actions of real people. 5. Is the timing and order of events in the story consistent? For example, did John drive his new car on his vacation in chapter six but it wasn't until chapter ten that he bought it? I noticed no inconsistencies. E. Characterization 1. Did the people seem real? Or were the main characters stereotypes or one-dimensional cardboard characters? All of the characters had no depth to them. 2. People do not exist in a vacuum. They have family, friends, a job, worries, ambitions, etc. Did you get a sense of enough of these, but not too much, for the main characters? No. 3. Did you get a good picture of the culture, historical period, location, and occupation of the main character? No. 4. Did you get enough of a sense of paradoxes within the character? Enough of their emotions, attitudes, values? The emotions of the protagonist were merely grazed. The other characters all seemed to just perform a perfunctory duty in order to make something happen. 5. Backstory: were you distracted by too much background information of a character at one time? Did the author seem to dump a lot of information on the background of a character in one or two long speeches, or did we learn about that character here and there in smaller pieces? There was not a lot of character background information for this to be a problem. 6. Did the protagonist undergo some change in the story? No. Events merely occurred to the character, and though a little worse for wear, there seemed to be no profound change in the main character. 7. Could the story have been improved by adding more details of the protagonist's or another character's reputation; stereotyped beliefs; their network of relations to other people; habits and patterns; talents and abilities; tastes and preferences; or physical description of their body? Yes. More information about the protagonist would have helped the reader understand better why he does what he does. 8. Does each chapter/page have enough sensory description? Can the reader easily sense what is happening physically to the main character? Were there enough words of sight, sound, touch, smell, or taste? N/A 9. If the story used a person as the antagonist (villain), did they seem real too? Or did they seem so evil or one-sided that they were more like ideal villains? Did they have some redeeming qualities too? Did the villain seem to be a hero in their own mind? There seemed no impetus for the villain�s actions, only that he �wanted to rule the world.� 10. Every reader has their own taste in how much characterization they like. Did this story have too little or too much characterization for you? My opinion is that it had too little characterization, even for a play where characterization can be elaborated upon by the actor. F. Dialogue 1. Did the words from the mouths of the people in the story seem consistent with their personalities? No. 2. Was there too much or not enough dialogue, in your opinion? Usually writers err on the side of not enough dialogue. There were no detectable problems with dialogue length. 3. Did any character tend to talk in long monologues? Yes. The (police captain?) for example, talked in a stereotypical police captain monologue. 4. Were you able to sense the conflict, attitudes, and intentions of each character in their dialogue without the author telling you of these directly? Yes. 5. Were you able to detect any exchange of power that is sexual, physical, political, or social? There were none. 6. Did the dialogue seem easy to speak? Can you 'hear' it? If it sounds unusual, you might suggest that the writer try reading it aloud. The dialogue sounded unusual, as though no real person would actually speak it. 7. Does the dialogue seem TOO MUCH like normal speech, with too many incomplete sentences, pauses, restarts, profanity, cliches, etc. that it was distracting? This was not a problem. 8. Did the author use dialect that was too heavy, making it difficult to read? The author avoided the use of dialect. 9. Does each character have their own speech rhythm, accent (if necessary), vocabulary, and even length of sentences? No. Several of the characters were completely interchangeable, from the cop to the street bum. 10. In an exchange of conversation, can you easily tell who is speaking if you didn't have their names or gender attached to their sentences? No. J. Grammar and spelling 1. Was the English readable? Were there too many grammatical errors, misuse of punctuation, run-on sentences, etc.? There were several grammatical errors such as �where� used repeatedly when the author meant �were,� �to� instead of �two,� �in tacked� instead of �intact,� and several non-English spellings such as �recognise� and �organise.� There was a great deal of misused punctuation such as �guys� without a possessive apostrophe, and sentences such as �Excuse me Joseph, if don�t mind me asking how come you are so ready to die.� With a period at the end, where even the dialogue itself says it is a question. Also, nouns such as Diner and Hamburger were capitalized for no reason. Some words were also misused, when another word would have been more accurate, such as the opening scene �Joseph: Of course I know, but before you have to take care of me, can I have three things. Second Hit man: You are in no position to argue.� Joseph is not �arguing� but �requesting.� 2. Did you point out any typos or misspelling? How many times have you missed that in your writing because you passed over it without seeing it? Were there so many such errors that they made reading the piece difficult for you? I don�t believe that they were typos, because the same mistakes were made repeatedly and consistently. English may not be the author�s first language, or he/she may need guidance in this area. 3. Did the author use too many exclamation points? No. 5. Did the author use melodrama? For instance, "With tears in her eyes and barely able to speak, the head nurse dialed the Chief of Staff. There would be a lot of crying tonight." Can't you just hear the violins in the background? N/A D. Consider the target readers. Do you as a critic have a good idea of the type of readers this author was writing for? I believe this author is trying to appeal to a young audience that may not necessarily care about accuracy. Before you criticize something that you may not like personally, ask yourself: who are the readers this author wants to write for? Is this appropriate for that audience? This play may be appropriate for the viewer that doesn�t question a script�s plot. 1. When critiquing a short story, remember that every word must count. Are there sentences and/or paragraphs that don't appear to contribute substantially to the story and maybe should be thrown out? N/A 2. Are there too many subplots? In short stories, one subplot may be okay, but two or more is often just too much. N/A 3. Did the author go overboard on flashbacks? Generally in short stories, flashbacks should be used very sparingly. Although this wasn�t a short story, there was an overuse of flashbacks. " -- JA St.George.

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COPYRIGHT NOTICE
© 2002 Gary W Hall
STORYMANIA PUBLICATION DATE
June 2002
NUMBER OF TIMES TITLE VIEWED
578
 

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