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Everyone's Coming Up Bruises
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Everyone's Coming Up Bruises
A ex-Rollerderby gal turned detective investigates her first murder case that takes place during a rollerdery bout between two rival teams.
[1,205 words]
Joel Weiss
I live in Westerly Rhode Island and this is my first short crime novel. I also have a strong interest in Forensics and crime Scene Processing.
I hope to be working in the field soon.

[December 2008]
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Everyone's Coming Up Bruises
Joel Weiss


During the evening bout between the New Jersey Rollergirls and the Dirty-Devils, Pam D Moanium a blocker for the team grips Bella Debrawl of the Misquamicut Mayhem by her helmet and repeatedly bangs her head against the hard rink floor.
The refs pry them apart. Bella appears to be knocked out.
Moments later the Paramedics arrive and Bella is wheeled out on a stretcher.
Outside Newark Beth Shalom Hospital the ambulance arrives. Bella is transported inside and rushed to the emergency room where she is pronounced dead.
That’s when I got the call. Who am I? My name is Detective Aggie Christie of the Newark Police department Homicide Division.

Downstairs at the health department is the city morgue. Upstairs is state crime lab. Down in the morgue I met up with the medical examiner, Hollie Lebrock a.k.a. Kille Lebrock ex-jammer for the New Jersey Dirty-devils. Hollie is dressed in Spongebob Squarepants scrubs and stands behind the autopsy table.
I eagerly watched as Hollie began her examination.
“I hope you have the stomach for this?”
“I may have a sparkly exterior, but inside I’m still a menace on eight wheels.”
“Okay Miss CSI rollergirl let me finish my exam.”
“Let’s start with her head. There are no apparent signs of any blunt force trauma.
“Lucky she was wearing a helmet.”
“Yes she was very lucky indeed. Look at the helmet.”
Hollie shows me that the helmet is cracked in half.
“Damn she was lucky.”
“Bella does have one contusion on her forehead.”
“In layman’s terms, doc.”
“She has a really big goose egg.”
“So what killed her, Hollie?”
”It wasn’t from the bruises.”
“Was she poisoned?”
“I don’t know yet but I would like to run a tox screen to check for any possible poisons. I’ll let you know when I find something.”
”Thanks Doc.”
I left Hollie. Tomorrow I’ll drive to the rink. Maybe there I’d get some answers? As to what killed Miss Bella Debrawl, I may never know, or Will I?


The next morning I went to the rink and once inside the team Captain Miss Peachy Clobber of the Dirty-Devils approaches me.
“How may I help you?”
(Is this a roller rink or am I at Wal-Mart?)
“My name is detective Aggie Christie of the Newark Police Department homicide division.”
“Got proof?”
I flashed my badge.
“Wait a minute I know you. You use to be Agony Christie of the Misquamicut Rhode Island Rollergirls? It was the Malicious Mayhem right?”
“Let’s not go down that path, shall we.?”
Miss Clobber then asks,
“I guess you want to see the locker-room?”
“You read my mind.”
Inside the locker-room smelled like a musty old gym locker. I surveyed the room and spotted three pizza boxes sitting on top of a mini fridge. I pulled them down and all three were empty.
Peachy looks at the boxes.
“Those belong to Pam D Moanium. She brought them in with her. Bella and her were eating them right before the bout and that’s when I heard them screaming at each other.”
”Do you know what they were fighting about?”
“I haven’t a clue.”
“Shall we ask Miss D Moanium herself?”
”She disappeared. I don’t know where she went. You can try her at her other job.”
That would be...
“She’s a Meter Maid at the Newark Police Department.
“In the meantime I’d like to lift some prints off of the pizza boxes.” “What do you use if you don’t mind telling me?” “A chemical reagent called Sudan Black. It works on wet, non-porous and grease, contaminated surfaces like fast food wrappers, milk cartons, and the inside of a greasy pizza box like these ones.
“Once I do that I’ll transport the prints back to the crime lab.” I was able to lift two partial latent prints. (When a person touches a surface like a pizza box they leave an impression behind called a latent print.)
I left the rink, looked at my watch and realized it was already eleven in the morning. I needed to get the evidence back to the lab before Hollie went to lunch.


I caught up with Hollie and showed her the prints I lifted from the pizza boxes.
“Not a bad looking print.”
“Thanks. Any results from the tox report?”
“I found traces of cyanide in the body.
“Do you still have the pizza boxes? I want to check them for cyanide. Aggie, in the meantime would you run the prints upstairs to the crime lab?”
“Whom do I give them to?”
“Ask for detective Zac Tyler.”
That’s just what I did.
I found Zac and showed him the prints. He passed them on to the latent print examiner. The examiner ran the prints through the Automated Fingerprint Identification Systems (AFIS). I patiently waited. I figured I’d be here at least two or three hours waiting for a possible match. Surprise!
“Looks like we have a match.”
“Does this match have a name?”
“Juana Fig. Says she’s a meter maid for the Newark P.D.” “That’s funny because Miss D Moanium is also a meter maid. “Unless, Miss D Moanium and Ms. Fig are one in the same?” The examiner said. “If this is true, then quite possibly we could have our killer?
“Let’s hope so, Aggie.” It was time to go looking for Miss D Moanium. “I just saw some meter maid outside the building giving a red Porsche a ticket.”
“Thanks Mr. Examiner.”
“The names Joe.” “Thanks Joe.” As I’m leaving, the labs phone rings. It’s Hollie and she found traces of cyanide in one of the pizza boxes.
Back outside, I saw the meter maid approaching my Porsche. I got right in her face. “Hey I’m a cop and you’re about to ticket a cop’s car.” “If you don’t like it, arrest me.” “Okay, put your hands behind your back.” I placed the cuffs on her wrists. “Get on your knees.” She does so. “You’re under arrest for the murder of Bella Debrawl.”
“What gave me away?”
“It was the pepperoni pizza and the fact that you are also Pam D Moanium. I recognized your face from your picture hanging up in the locker room. Besides you left your greasy prints inside one of the boxes and the prints on the body also match the ones we found on the pizza boxes.
“You can take fingerprints off of a dead person?” “Yes. Silly putty. It lifts them off perfectly. Play-doh works too. Who would of thought a child’s toy would make a great forensic tool.”

“Now get in the car and you’re going down town Juana.” “How do you know my real name?” “It’s on your name badge.”


At the precinct I escorted Juana inside for further questioning. “Again why did you kill her?”
“She stole my boyfriend.”
“Then what happened?”
“She showed up at the rink wearing an engagement ring. That was the last straw.” “Then what?”
“If I couldn’t have him then neither could she. So, I pretended to be nice and bring her a peace offering.”
“Let me guess, a pepperoni pizza.”
“It was her favorite.”
“So you laced it with cyanide and fed her the poisoned pepperoni pizza.”
“So that’s what the screaming in the locker room was all about?” “Yes.”
Then I watched as Juana was accompanied by a female officer to a holding cell.

Two weeks later Miss Juana Fig was found guilty of murder and sentenced to life without parole.

The End



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© 2007 Joel Weiss
September 2007

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