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A gun amnesty in a rough borough of London goes idiotically wrong.
|AUTHOR'S OTHER TITLES (25)
A Capital Fart (Short Stories) The redundant London underground is pressed into service to win a world farting contest. [736 words] [Humor]
A Wrong Turn Somewhere (Short Stories) Somewhere near Birmingham a driver takes a wrong turn and loses everything. [492 words] [Mystical]
Arnie (Short Stories) A little labourer has a terminator approach to his work. [646 words] [Humor]
Back To The Garden (Short Stories) Depressing the extent to which everything is being dumbed down these days. Poor state education? Is that all it is? [527 words] [Mind]
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God's Trainees (Short Stories) Him upstairs is thinking of retiring, all he needs to do is train up some suitable replacements. Easier said than done. They just don't make deities the way the used to. [1,570 words] [Humor]
Mementoes Of Treasured Occasions (Short Stories) A struggling photographer finds a rich new source of business. [496 words] [Humor]
Providing For Sarah (Short Stories) A desolate man finds comfort in an imaginary (?) companion. But who will care for her when he's gone? [883 words] [Mind]
Sex Life Of The Amoeba (Short Stories) A serious paper on cellular mytosis in a well known eukarytic organism. The dirty little... [1,108 words] [Humor]
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The Adventures Of Archie 1 - The Great Escape (Short Stories) A sort of Alice in Wonderland meets Canterbury Tales sort of thing but sillier than the former and even more boring than the latter. In episode 1 our elderly rabbit hero escapes his hutch and disappe... [473 words] [Humor]
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The Adventures Of Archie 4b - The Great Regurgitato's Tale (Short Stories) Continued. [823 words] [Humor]
The Adventures Of Archie 5a - The Army Surplus Salesman (Short Stories) Archie learns the truth they try and keep from us, that being disembowelled is fun, meets a descendant of the Piltdown man and travels to the army surplus fair to find Little Boy is no bargain. [913 words]
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The Adventuresof Archie 5b - The Army Surplus Salesman's Tale (Short Stories) Continued. [1,116 words]
The Fly And... (Short Stories) That Geoff Goldblum had it easy! One fly?? I should have been so lucky! [483 words] [Humor]
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The Two Bills (Short Stories) William Shakespeare fails to get to grips with Microsoft Word. [777 words]
Vomiting On Tony (Short Stories) The Mad Messiah (AKA Tony Blair) gets what he thoroughly deserves. [499 words] [Humor]
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Streham police station was in one of the most crime-ridden areas of London and always busy.
A young man pushed to the front of the queue dropped something long and heavy wrapped in a bin liner on the counter, muttered "Amnesty" and ran out. The desk officer pulled it gingerly towards him and pulled back the plastic. Instead of the expected shotgun, there was a heavy metal rod with a bronze lined bush at one end, an anti-roll bar from a sports car perhaps. He took it to the yard and dumped it next to the dustbins.
Another youth deposited a grubby kitbag half an hour later. It contained a Braun hair dryer, a Black and Decker battery powered screwdriver and a bottle of Fairy washing up liquid.
Things got really silly after that. Three days into the amnesty and nearly 5 tons of items had been handed into the police stations in the borough. Apart from an old carbine with a bent barrel, there were no firearms. In addition to the previously mentioned items the first morning's haul at Streham station alone included:
An ant farm.
Several items of garden statuary including a 4-foot concrete windmill.
A box of cans of Heinz chicken soup.
A 15hp outboard motor with no propeller marked "property of RNLI"
A signed photo of Harold Wilson.
An artificial arm with "God is love" written on it.
A pair of Chinchillas named Ray and Doris.
A front door in white PVC with those little oblong windows.
A 1973 edition of 'Carter's Advanced Accounts'
Several more hair dryers.
A teak effect bookcase from MFI still in the flat pack.
Eight zip up boots, the sort old ladies wear, all for left feet.
Numerous other bits from cars and motorcycles
A box of plastic novelties marked "A present from Blackpool"
An engraving kit complete with 40 blank brass nameplates.
An antique Victorian doll's house
A TV remote control with "Captain Kirk's Phaser" Dymo-taped to it.
A 1983 set of Encyclopaedia Britannica, complete except for M-R.
A foot bath with a lemon squeezer tied to the lead.
They called a halt to the amnesty after a week and signs to that effect went up on the doors of all the borough's police station. The community liaison officer warned that the crime figures were far too serious to give up on the idea so quickly, maybe they should distribute some leaflets explaining the scheme better, but the Chief Inspector was adamant.
The liaison officer was proved right when the next monthly crime figures for the area showed a tremendous and sudden increase in violent crime. Some of the most shocking cases included:
6 people robbed at stuffed owl point.
2 off licences robbed by a vicious gang brandishing cassette tapes of 'Tom Jones Greatest Hits'.
7 women sexually assaulted with packs of Tesco's 'Mexican Meal For One'.
Several car jackings by men armed with huge rolls of shed roofing felt.
A terrible riot on a run down estate between rival drug gangs armed with airbeds, Pyrex casserole dishes, 'Real feel' artificial vaginas, and those transparent water filled cat scarers from the Innovations catalogue.
A hugely expensive week long armed siege in which the hostage was alternately threatened with a sound sensitive musical lobster and a Rymans document organiser. This only ended when the hostage taker killed himself with an airfix kit of the Lusitania.
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© 2003 Xoggoth
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