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My name is Jaime T Quirk, captain of the Star Truck Enterprise...
Robert W Carlomagno
I am a former Navy and Merchant Marine sailor and an Army brat. IF YOU READ A STORY, I WOULD APPRECIATE ANY COMMENTS, GOOD OR BAD.
AUTHOR'S E-MAIL ADDRESS
|AUTHOR'S OTHER TITLES (3)
Southern Comfort (Non-Fiction) The Misadventures of an Army Brat. Third in a series. [2,029 words]
The Arm (Non-Fiction) The Misadventures of an Army Brat. [3,756 words]
The Beach (Non-Fiction) The Misadventures of an Army Brat. Second in a series. [1,233 words]
Robert W Carlomagno
My name is Jaime T Quirk, captain of the Star Truck Enterprise. The T is for Tired. Tired of driving this truck through space. Our mission is to keep the show on the air for 5 years so we can pick up the residuals. We are in the Toyota system in orbit around Lexus I, Lexus II, or Rocky XXX, whatever. It is star date 4775564547897659.999.77-------------
That is just the day. If I go for the month and year we could be here forever. The planet, whatever it's name is a class P type which means it's atmosphere is identical to earth. The rivers are polluted there is acid rain, many species are extinct, and smog covers most of the cities. Makes you nostalgic for home doesn't it?
Why am I driving a truck instead of a star ship? Why do you ask? Okay I'll tell you. We are at war with the Dingdon empire and several months ago I was ordered back to earth. As we approached earth I mistakenly took it for a Dingdon war buzzard. A common mistake. So I fired my photon torpedoes and wiped out Australia. Nobody liked that. I told them I was sorry but they took away my starship anyway and gave me this 18 wheeler. Amazing what a few carpenters can do with a truck. I have a thousand officers and one crewman and they all fit.
The bridge is just like the Enterprise with a lot of whistles and beeps and little red and green lights flashing. Never could figure out what they were for. My first officer, or number 1, (some think he is a number 2) is a Fallopian. You can always tell a Fallopian by his ears. They are shaped like tubes. Mr. Smock or Smock for short, always has all the answers, he is precise and accurate and detailed. I can always count on him to get me out of trouble. Of course there were exceptions such as the Australian incident.
Then there is our ships doctor Mr. Coy affectionately known as Boner. A graduate of the University of Grenada he is well versed in diseases of the eyebrows and would be invaluable should anybody ever come down with it. Next is our engineer Mr. Spott, or Spotty. He keeps us running in first gear or overdrive. He is always hanging around the bridge and I have been meaning to ask him why. I have two men sitting at consoles with a board of lighted switches that have no markings, so I have no idea how these guys know which one to press. But then maybe they don't. Could have something to do with that Australian incident.
First there is Zulu, a former Kamikaze pilot and very short. He likes to wear his Samurai sword on the bridge and it keeps clanging around every time he presses a lighted unmarked switch. I can't let him be helmsman because he keeps trying to fly into a planet yelling Banzai.
Checkup claims his people invented everything. He has a strange accent and It's hard to understand him sometimes. He says he's from Georgia so it must be a southern accent, which may have something to do with that Australian incident. I'm going to get to the bottom of it sooner or later.
Finally there is Oooohara the radio operator who sits in the same chair with her legs crossed 24 hours a day. She has one job and that is to open hailing frequencies, whatever they are, and to not be able to contact Starfleet. Thats two jobs isn't it? Oooohara is quite beautiful except for this metallic object she has growing out of her left ear. It looks like it should hurt. Funny thing though, they all have the same first name....Mister. Mister Smock, mister Zulu, mister Spot and mister Ooohara.
"Alright crew. We're on an important and dangerous mission here and if I could remember what it was I would tell you." "But first I want to ask a question that has been bothering me for some time." "Mister Spot, why are you always on the bridge?"
"I can't find the engine room sirrrrr." "I can't even find the bathrrrroom."
"Good answer Spotty." "Keep your legs crossed that you'll find one of them soon."
"Alright Mister Zulu, report on the situation on the planets surface."
"Aye sir." There is a force of 23.5 Dingdons on the planet. One of them is very short. They have captured all of the leaders of the planet and have defeated an Army of 3.7 million. And that was just the short guy. All the Dingdons are located in the Royal palace. They are enjoying a smoke and bloodwine celebration. We should cross the Delaware now sir. I mean beam down and surprise them. If I could just dive a little closer to the planet, sir."
"Never mind that Zulu just stay away from the helm. Your report is unsatisfactory Mister Zulu. Not enough detail. Mister Smock what is your evaluation of the situation?" huh.
"There, now thats what I call a detailed report. Excellent Mister Smock."
"We need to assemble an away team to go away. That means everybody of any importance such as everyone on the bridge. Ooohara send a message to Starfleet that we are going to the planets surface. Leave out the name of the planet until I figure out what it is."
"Sorry sir, I can't raise Starfleet. I can use hailing frequencies but there isn't anyone to hail."
"Never mind, everybody get to the transporter room and stand by to beam down."
"Rrrrrememberrr the last time we all beamed down therrre was nobody left that knew how to worrrk the trrransporrrrterrr and we werrre stuck on the planet for six months until a rrrescue ship arrrrrived?"
"Yeah, yeah I rememberrrr. Thats why we have a crewman on board instead of all officers. He's got some smarts."
"Any other problems Spotty?"
"Yes sirrr. We can beam up but we can't beam down. It's one of the little things you don't get after you destroy Australia."
"Brilliant. OK Smock what do you think about that?"
I'll tell you something. I always have hated Smock with his one word answers and stupid ears. I'll bet he set me up on that Australian thing so he could be captain.
"Good answer Smock, but how do we get down to the surface?"
"Did you hear that crew?" We can float down using fascinating, interesting, parachutes."
"Fifty miles to the surface."
"What now Spotty!"
"We'll burn up in the atmosphere Captain."
"Not if we go feet first and point our toes." "Spotty go get parachutes for everyone on the away team."
"Now what Spotty?"
"Therrre haven't been any parrrachutes for two centurrries and...........
"Shut up Mister Spot and get them anyway."
"Mister Ooohara, prepare the away team with all that is needed for the mission."
"Yes, two officers of lower rank to accompany us to the surface in case someone is killed. Naturally it can't be one of us."
"WILL ENSIGNS CANNON AND FODDER PLEASE REPORT TO THE BRIDGE FOR AWAY DUTY."
"Mister Oohara would you please use the intercom next time."
"YES SIR, I mean yes sir."
"Here comes Spotty with the parachutes. Everybody strap one on with an oxygen bottle and report to cargo bay 1."
"Aye sirrrr. Be carrreful these arrrre made from old bedsheets."
"Good thinking Spotty. I'll follow you guys to the cargo bay since I don't know where it is."
"It's right through that there door yonder marked CARGO BAY Captain."
"Thank you ChecKup. I knew that." "Decompress the bay Mister Smock."
"You got it kid."
"Good. Now every body into the bay and to the edge and jump. I'll go last since a Captain must be the last to abandon ship."
"But thats only if the ship is sinking sir."
"I knew that Mister Zulu. "ABANDON SHIP WE ARE SINKING. By order of the Captain."
There they go. Just look at those idiots. They're even pointing their toes. How dumb can you get. Ah! There goes the first one burning up in the atmosphere, and another, and thats it. I knew I would get revenge for that Australian incident. Who just grabbed me from behind?"
"Who is that? Why are you pushing me toward the edge?"
"It's your favorite and only crewman, Captain."
"Why are you pushing me out. Knock it off. Thats an order."
"I forgot to tell you. I'm your Australian crewman."
"Oh no. Wait, wait, at least tell me your name."
"Just call me...........Captain."
|READER'S REVIEWS (5)
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"A really funny story. Written well with a plot and characters well defined. Flows from sentence to senrence. Can hardly wait to read your others. Still laughing." -- Bob Bolvin, Denver, Colorado, USA.
"What can I say? This is especially funny just after watching one of those original Star Trek episodes on the SciFi channel. That's my suggestion for anyone who wants to read this. Watch one of those first, then read this piece. You can parachute into outerspace?--The Advisor." -- JA St.George.
"Robert, have you tried this story out on any of the Star Trek fan writing sites. I'm sure there must be at least a couple out there, and perhaps you can sell it that way, if you haven't already.--The Advisor" -- JA St.George.
""Thank you for your kind comments on my story, Star Truck. I had hoped that others would comment on the other stories I have posted." -- Bob Carlomagno. Advisors reply: Bob, I understand your frustration, better than most. There is a major discrepency in the ratio between the volume of work here on Storymania and readers who have the time, compassion, and ability to give a review. I may be able to help, if you are willing to be directed to another website, which is currently under construction. This website is largely dedicated to critiquing. It isn't a replacement to Storymania, merely another tool for you to use if you want it. If you do, I'll gladly tell you the location, but otherwise I will not advertise where it may be unwanted.--The Advisor " -- JA St.George.
"It can be visited at http://home.earthlink.net/~jerryageorge " -- JA St.George.
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© 2001 Robert W Carlomagno
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