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A1 Rube
An army of blue robots fill a cavernous room, their eyes glowing red in the darkness. They stand there ominously while behind them more and more robots file into the room and slot into formation with mechanical whirrs and clanks. In a few minutes the robots have already filled the room to maximum capacity but still more blue robots pour through the dark entrance at the back. The machines that come in find that there is no space for them and start pushing and going round the ones in the middle.
Formations started breaking and eventually the robots at the front of the room are forced together as yet more members of the gigantic army swarm into the cavern which was becoming evident to be nowhere near sufficient enough to satisfy the robot army’s space requirements. The robots at the back begin to get angry and shout “Hey move down in front!” while shoving violently – one particularly large robot who had come in very recently yells forward loudly “Hey we’re getting squashed up here, move down, dickheads!” A robot quite a lot further down hears him, turns back and yells “Where the fuck are we supposed to move – up each other’s assholes?! Dickhead!” – punctuating the last word with an obscene gesture. The robots start to climb on each other in places and small scuffles begin to break out. At the entrance, some robots shout “GO BACK! GO BACK, GUYS!” The message starts to be passed back but as yet more robots still press into the room. “Why couldn’t we get A1?” one robot asks another.
“They are holding a design expo in there until till end of June.”
“Because this is fucking ridiculous, right? How many of us are there?”
Still more robots are heard coming the corner and shouting and shoving while other robots yell for them to turn back.
“There’s still loads more coming in.” screams a robot that was wedged in and amongst other robots who are also stuck coming half-way into the room.
“Oh fuck this.” The robot vigorously adjusts himself to the opposite direction he was facing. “Come on Guys, we’re going to A1. Fuck the design expo.”
“Yeah!”
“Fuck the expo! Guys, we’re going to A1!”
“A1!”
“C’mon guys! We’re going to A1! Tell the guys up there who are coming in!”
“Hey! YO! Hey, guys! Go to A1!”
“STOP! GO TO A1! TURN AROUND!”
“A1! TH – RIGHT! A1! YES! THERE’S NO SPACE IN HERE!”
“WE’RE GOING TO A1!”
“HEY EVERYBODY WE’RE GOING TO A1!”
“TURN AROUND GUYS, WE’RE NOT STAYING HERE”
“THIS WAY! LOOK, WE’RE MOVING!”
Each member of the massive army begins to turn and to the other direction, steel pushing upon steel, hydraulic limbs and differential axles adjusting and rotating, together creating a jerky, almost reptilian motion, recursive and fractal, pulsing in a wave-like jolting action back towards the entrance where the bottleneck was being reversed. The blue robots being pushed into the overcrowded corridor towards A1 were pressed on each other and the walls such force that their limbs were being bent, paint was being scratched and external lights and cameras were being crushed and broken off.
“WARNING – WARNING – WA – Jesus mate fucking look out hey – HEY – PROXIMITY ALERT!”
“SHUT UP I KNOW THAT CARL, WE’RE ALL IN THE SAME POSITION HERE”
“JUST THAT YOU’RE BREAKING MY EXTERNAL ROUTER CASING DUDE ”
“JUST CHILL OUT DUDE,” A robot that was wedged within shoulder-tapping distance of Carl spoke to him, “THE MORE WE STRUGGLE, THE HARDER IT WILL BE TO GET OUT OF THIS”
“FUCK YOU, MARTIN. SAVE YOUR CLICHÉD PLATITUDES FOR WHEN YOU DIE LIKE CANNON FODDER ON THE BATTLEFIELD. DUDE GET OFF MY FUCKING CASING!”
Martin looks taken aback then raises his hands to both robots in a peaceful gesture “SORRY MAN, JUST TRYING TO BE HELPFUL.”
The bottleneck at the entrance appears to become so compact that it might fuse into one solid chunk of metal and then all at once and with a loud screaming wrench of metal the big ball of blue robots un-wedges itself from the corner. The members untangle themselves and start to move on as quickly as they can because as soon as they do the rest of the room, still swollen with robots begins to vacate itself out in a chaotic and disorganised manner. Some robots being swept up in the tide try to stay in one place and shout at the others who are just pushing and pulling others to get out.
“Hey guys, why the hell are you so organised when you come in and so do-lally now?!”
“Yeah man, whatever.”
“Seriously guys, this is Mickey Mouse stuff. We should FORM A LINE and this would all be-“
“Shut up dude!”
The room gradually begins to clear and now only the last few hundred of the blue robots remain, the first who had come in. They are all still crowding to get out but there is no pushing or violent tugging and wrenching as there was before.
“Man that was like something out of Terminator.”
“It’s a good thing that the army is big but there are definitely logistical parameters to factor into assembly and deployment.”
“You can fucking say that again.”
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