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Spf-1000 (Vampires Are Real And They Have Sunscreen!)
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Spf-1000 (Vampires Are Real And They Have Sunscreen!)
A man gets converted to a Vampire and discovers an underground world full of celebrities.
[1,413 words]
Nick Molinari Molinari

First crack at it.
[March 2009]
[email protected]
Spf-1000 (Vampires Are Real And They Have Sunscreen!)
Nick Molinari Molinari

Two words... Vampire Sunscreen!
-In progress- Started out about Vampire sunscreen and took a turn into celebrity Vampires.


During that orgasm, it felt like my life was draining out of me. Little did I know it literally was.
It was the best, yet strangest sex I'd ever had. Her nether region felt like a combination of mouth and vagina,
I remember thinking, "Maybe she works at the circusssssss......." as her teeth sank into my neck during what would be my last "live" orgasm as I sank into the black of unconsciousness.
Who knows how long I was out, days, weeks, years, I knew something felt strange.
"Things are different now", I heard her say. I could feel her presence more than I could see her.
Different?, was it a "we fucked so it's over" kind of thing?
Her body was like crack and I needed more, please don't cut me off...
She seemed to read my thoughts and said, "No, you are like me now".
Huh? I was beginning to think she was a whack job. Maybe a psycho stalker.
"You've been converted."
What? Oh no, she's a religious nut....
I stumbled looking for my clothes.
"You really can't go anywhere yet..."
Damn, a religious nut,psycho stalker.... Scientologist maybe?
"You're a Vampire" she said matter of factly.
She didn't seem like a "Goth chick". "Yeah, right" I thought out loud. "But we met at the beach." I said, thinking she had to me the mother of all whack jobs.
She held up a bottle as if it would answer all the questions I started to formulate in my slightly panicky state.
Sunblock eh, ok, SPF-1000. Hmmmm, seemed kind of extreme but the way they market half of the useless bullshit in the world I didn't think much of it. "You're really gonna need this".
Great, a super religious goth whack job who's into amway-like marketing schemes.
I ran outside and man did that hurt.....
What happened, a hole in the ozone? It felt like instant sunburn....
"I told you, you're a Vampire", she said dragging my collapsed carcass back into the house.
They're not real!, I stammered. A feeling of horror started to overcome me.
Whatever? You tell me I'm a Vampire and scare the shit out of me, I almost turn into ash on your front porch, and you sum it up with whatever?
Then she started to explain a world I had no idea existed.
"It's like an elite club..."
Club ? What the fuck ? Do I learn a friggin' secret handshake? Do I get a card perhaps ?
"We usually try to get people in their prime. At first it was only attractive people, sex partners, have you ever seen a fat or ugly vampire?."
How would I know ?, you're supposed to be a myth at best...
"You were quite the cunnilinguist, so I decided to keep you around."
Am I supposed to feel flattered? You mean pussy eating saved my life?
"We're fairly discriminate. We cop the best celebrities and the like for entertainment purposes, then there was the Elvis incident..."
You're telling me Elvis was a Vampire, this is fucked up...
"He was spotted a few times. No one wondered why it was only at night."

"There's quite a list. If someone had died mysteriously during their prime, you can be sure they were converted."
Converted, is that what it's called ?
"Like Marilyn Monroe..."
No shit? Wow.... what about JFK?
"C'mon man, everyone saw the pink mist when his head poofed like a jiffypop as the shots hit, plus there aren't a lot of converted politicians as a general rule. They might seek equal rights for the undead and force everyone into the public eye, or be complete assholes anyway, and we like to avoid assholes."
I started getting a mental list... Jimi Hendrix ?
James Dean ?
"Yes, it goes back further, Valentino, Will Rogers..., car and plane crashes make good cover."
Amelia Earhart?
"No, I'm pretty sure that was real. Lenny Bruce, Sam Kinison, Bill Hicks, Joplin, Morrison, Cobain, Dimebag Darrell, hippies and punks are quite popular, getting really high feeding on their "adulterated" blood, some even get addicted to crack-heads, Curly Howard..."
You actually expect me to buy this shit?, Curly from the Three Stooges was a vampire?
Jimmy Hoffa?
"Hell no, he really is on the 50 yard line as far as I know."
What do you have big parties or something?
"There's a few, but mostly lots show up at Mardi Gras, or wherever there's costumes. We do win a lot of contests."
I suppose that's Vampire humor, halloween must be a big deal.
"It doesn't hurt."
So what's the deal then, you all wear special sunscreen, where did that come from?
"Paul McCartney, I buried Paul wasn't far off..."
Get the fuck out of here....
"He had plenty of dough to develop it. He hired a skin cancer doctor and later a scientist to work on it. It's a little like when those douchebags use zinc on their nose. And like with most celebrites, they always get rushed into cars, usually with hats and sunglasses. The paparazzi were a great excuse to avoid direct sunlight during the first tests. Of course it broke up the Beatles."
That explains Keith Richards....
"No, no-one knows what the fuck is going on there...."
This is too much..., no Linda McCartney ?
"Oddly enough Yoko! There's kind of an unwritten family member conversion rule. It's generally thought bad form to convert couples or spouses, especially if there were children involved. A child needs at least one parent and converting children is frowned upon for obvious reasons, no one wants an immortal 10 year old, and by the time the children were grown, the spouses are too old to match up, of course like Bruce Lee, some later converted their adult children. And besides that, monogamy gets old fast."
Of course, it seems logical.... Shit, it seems the "undead" have more of a heart then the living.
"There's always CEO hunting. Some like to hunt greedy CEO's, like Ken Lay from Enron."
"Then there's the Michael Jackson problem, he didn't want to "play dead" he wanted to be like McCartney, then he put some of his conversion in a music video. So they fucked with his sunscreen, he caught fire after exposure to direct sunlight during a Pepsi commercial, he removed his hat, and poof !, his head caught fire ! Usually if you let it go it results in spontaneous human combustion."
I guess that's as reasonable explanation as any, my god alot of this makes sense!
"Jackson was thought to be too obvious what with the white skin and masks, (the sunlight did a number on his face), the "oxygen chamber", it was a coffin of sorts, and that young boy blood he just had to have, those parents are gonna be pissed when their kids don't get any older and develop "Polymorphic Light Eruption". It's thought his flaunting it would force everyone out of the "coffin" so to speak. Yet amazingly enough, like when Joplin offed Mama Cass, and Tupac offed Biggie, both for revenge and food or a "pleasure kill", no one caught on. Eventually they converted a scientist, figuring a converted one had a better "selfish" motive to develop a better sunscreen formula. Who didn't miss the sunlight ?.
Once the sunscreen (SPF1000) was able to be mass produced, decisions had to be made. All or nothing. Just one Vampire can't come out of the coffin without them all being exposed. Just acknowledgment of only one's existence would create a shit storm of gargantuan proportions..."
Ohhh a Vampire drama queen....Why not just hide like some gay's are able to?
"There's like an advanced "gaydar" where once you know it's real, you can feel it, plus the greedy corporate cocksuckers would start shit about "life insurance" and question every claim ever made, that's also what makes CEO hunting so much fun..."
They don't convert them?
"No, I told you we don't like assholes. If they really suck, we give them a half ass conversion and let them be zombies, especially the really greedy or hateful cocksuckers. Fuck 'em. It's like hey, you've been such an asshole, you're a zombie now bitch! Enjoy!"
Get the fuck out of here! Zombies are real now too??
"The bad part is, being a zombie doesn't stop them from still being an asshole! Ever met a zombie who wasn't? Those mother fuckers".......


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© 2009 Nick Molinari Molinari
March 2009

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