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The Little Turd That Could
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The Little Turd That Could
A short story based on office interaction and politics.
[1,052 words]
Michael L Phillips (Aka The Purple Monkey)
I am a 37 year old white male who was born October 4, 1968 in a small town in Florida named Bonifay. I entered naval service in July 1987 and have served my nation with pride and honor for the past 19 years. I am an active duty sailor, rated Information Systems Technician (IT), currently stationed aboard the USS Dwight D Eisenhower (CVN69) and will be retiring from active naval service in Aug 2007. This is my first attempt at writing a humorous short story and as such I have never been published on the web or in print. I thank you for any praise or criticisms you may have.
[July 2006]
The Watermelon Seed And The Rose Bush (Short Stories) A short story based on a sothern tale told to young children. [480 words] [Humor]
The Little Turd That Could
Michael L Phillips (Aka The Purple Monkey)

(This story is based on factual events that took place aboard the USS Dwight D Eisenhower in July 2006 somewhere off the coast of Virginia, USA)

  Once upon a time there was a man who had an irritable bowel. For years on end the man had
tried various methods to relieve these symptoms with over the counter medicine, herbs, and his
grandmotherís sure fire cures (witchcraft by medieval standards). The results had varied results,
but the outcome was usually the same. He would receive a modicum of relieve but ultimately the
symptoms would return and often worsen. Now it was bad enough that he constantly had pains
in his stomach, but as time progressed the pain was slowly spreading south. This became a
point of worry for the man as he knew eventually the pain, as it was progressing, would affect his
daily ritual of universal contemplation as he read one of his favorite gun magazines. This routine
was one of great importance to the man and one he had come to count on as a stress reliever.
However, as each day passed the worry of what was to come weighed so heavily on his mind
that he began to dread his daily sabbatical. Eventually, he went to see a psychologist about his
problem. The psychologist advised him that the best way to get past this was to think of it in a
positive manner. He told him to focus on an idea that would give him a can do attitude whenever
the worry arose. The doctor informed him that some of his most successful patients found
encouragement in and drew strength from the stories of their youth. To this end the man went to
the library and began reading childrenís books. He came across the story of the little engine who
could and it brought back found memories of his mother reading the story to him as a child. He
decided to use this story of confidence and self determination as his focusing point whenever the
worry and stress threatened to overtake him. This worked out well for the man and as the
months passed he once again was able to enjoy his alone time and allow the burdens that
weighted so heavily on him to slip away. That is until the unfortunate event that followed three
days of eating a diet heavily loaded with meats and sorely lacking in fiber products. Now on the
morning of this unholy happening the man arose as usual and speedily prepared for work. He
was aware of the excessively full feeling he was experiencing and decides it best to take a small
dose of a weak laxative. However, unbeknownst to the man the maker of the laxative produce
had made a terrible mistake with the dosage and accidentally quadrupled the maximum amount.
Upon arriving at work the man continued with his normal routine and had a very large cup of
strong, hot coffee with an excessive amount of cream and sugar. Now as you can imagine this
man had to attend a morning meeting with his supervisors to plan out the days events. It was
during this meeting that the first signs of trouble made themselves painfully obvious. His stomach
and intestinal track felt as if he was trying to restrain the mother of all farts. He grimaced and
desperately tried to control his sphincter muscle. Once the meeting was over the man made a
made dash for the nearest bathroom, barley making it to the toilet before the rushing flow of
digested animal matter burst forth like speeding bullet. As he set their uncontrollably defecating
massive amounts of liquid disgust from his anus he tried desperately to find his calm center. It
was to this end that he began saying aloud, softly at first and then gradually louder until he was
screaming at the top of his lungs, I THINK I CAN, I THINK I CAN, I THINK I CAN. Now here is
where the story takes a tragic turn as the mans supervisor walks in the bathroom only to be
assaulted by screams emanating from the stall directly in front of him. Add to this the
overwhelming stench that only an undertaker could tolerate and the sounds of explosive diarrhea
and the supervisor has to immediately leave. The man, upon finishing his moment in hell, cleans
himself up and proceeds to his work space. There on his computer was an e-mail from his
supervisor. The e-mail explained that as his supervisor he was responsible for the well being of
all the persons who worked for him and this included the man. He advised him that for the sake
of the company he would be recommending that the man be seen by medical personnel to

determine the cause of his intestinal distress and until he was medically cleared and for the good
of the company he was to be immediately placed on medical leave. The man replied to his
supervisor as follows. Sir, I appreciate your concern for my well being as well as those that must
work around me. I have sought out medical and psychological treatment for my condition. The
unfortunate incident you had the misfortune to witness was the result of three days of
overindulgence in consuming many meat products. Unfortunately for me I was unprepared for
the size and quantity of the meat products that I consumed and this caused an unexpected
blockage in my rectal area. Now due to the treatments I have become quit adept at controlling
my sphincter muscle and this has brought me considerable pleasure. But due to the
overwhelming pressure in my rectal cavity I was unable to properly maintain control over myself
during this incident. I gladly accept any input you may have as I enjoy eating meat and would be
sorely pressed it I had to give it up. In addition I have heard from several gentlemen employed at
the company that you yourself enjoy eating meat. They say you are especially fond of sausage
and hot dogs. As I also enjoy eating sausage I would be intrigued by your process for preparing
and eating sausage. I look forward hopefully increasing my responsibilities in the company as
well as you have.

The man was immediately fired

Moral of the story, if your boss is a known homosexual watch what you send him in your e-mail.


All Hail the Purple Monkey



"test of the review process" -- Michael.


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© 2006 Michael L Phillips (Aka The Purple Monkey)
August 2006

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