ABOUT
THE AUTHOR
I am a 37 year old white male who was born October 4, 1968 in a small town in Florida named Bonifay. I entered naval service in July 1987 and have served my nation with pride and honor for the past 19 years. I am an active duty sailor, rated Information Systems Technician (IT), currently stationed aboard the USS Dwight D Eisenhower (CVN69) and will be retiring from active naval service in Aug 2007. This is my first attempt at writing a humorous short story and as such I have never been published on the web or in print. I thank you for any praise or criticisms you may have. [July 2006]
AUTHOR'S OTHER TITLES (1) The Little Turd That Could (Short Stories) A short story based on office interaction and politics. [1,052 words] [Humor]
The Watermelon Seed And The Rose Bush Michael L Phillips (Aka The Purple Monkey)
(This story is based on factual events that took place aboard the USS Dwight D Eisenhower in July 2006 somewhere off the coast of Virginia, USA)
As a child growing up in the south I was told stories of why not to eat fruit seeds
and other non digestible items. One was of a little boy who ate a watermelon
seed and a few months later had to be taken to the doctor because of a stomach
ache. When X-rayed it was discovered that the seed had germinated and the
watermelon vine had ruptured his stomach wall and grew, wrapping as it went,
into his intestines. They rushed him to the emergency room for surgery, but do
to the extensive vine grow and infection they were unable to save his life. This
story and others like it frightened me then and continues to frightened small
southern children to this day. As I grew older I discovered that of course this was
an untrue tale that was told to keep children from putting things into their mouths
that they shouldn’t. I thought no more of this until today. It became obvious to
me that the cooks onboard have been using rosemary as a seasoning spice in
our food. I came to this conclusion as I sat upon my throne reading an article
from a guns and ammo magazine. Now usually this is a relaxing time that allows
me to read and contemplate universal issues. However, today was entirely
different. As I sat there an unusual feeling suddenly struck me. I had a pain that
I had never experienced before in my rectal area. As I desperately tried to relax,
a monstrous amount of condensed fecal matter pushed it way out. Now the
problem arose from the thorns that were protruding from this mass of processed
waste. They imbedded themselves into my anal cavity digging deep trenches
that could have allowed the whole of the Atlantic Ocean to flow thru. It was
painfully apparent now that a rose bush had taken root in my intestinal track and
since rosemary comes from the petals of roses thus the conclusion that the
cooks have been putting rosemary in our food. I stemmed the flow of blood as
best I could with the materials at hand and immediately rushed to write you this
e-mail. Let this be a warning to you all and to young children around the world.
Stories and fables they may appear to be, but most are based in some
semblance of fact. I am now leaving for medical and I hope to update you all on
my situation in the near future. If however, I turn out as the young boy from the
stories of my youth did I leave you with this. Beware the food you consume as
you never know when it may be consuming you. Pray for me brothers and
sisters, as I pray for you.
All Hail the Purple Monkey
READER'S REVIEWS (3) DISCLAIMER: STORYMANIA DOES NOT PROVIDE AND IS NOT RESPONSIBLE FOR REVIEWS. ALL REVIEWS ARE PROVIDED BY NON-ASSOCIATED VISITORS, REGARDLESS OF THE WAY THEY CALL THEMSELVES.
"This story is indeed humurous. maybe you want to use a wider range of vocaubulary so that people can laugh throughout the whole story. its good anyway. really." -- Cherie.
"Ha ha ha ha ha this was hilarious - loved it!" -- briony carvalho, Reading, England.
"fun to read, i remember when l was young after eating fish, i went to drink water and was told that the fish needs it to swim in, in my stomach!" -- carol, stockh., Sweden.
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