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All Or Nothing
A Happy Death by Kain I've been reading Samuel Becket's trilogy so this is kinda my own attempt at his writing style. S... [1,481 words]
21st Street Tavern by Mark Casey A man walks down the street to a pub after a fight with his wife, and realizes how much life... [1,739 words]
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All Or Nothing
Loosely based around an experience I had, but is generally about a one sided feeling of attraction that pushes the character to the edge. Written in the 1st person to be more personal.
Please feel free to give reviews, I always appreciate an honest opinion of my stuff.
AUTHOR'S E-MAIL ADDRESS
|AUTHOR'S OTHER TITLES (31)
A Summer Storm (Poetry) I love to watch a good storm! Don't know what it is, but it's like a log fire - I can just sit and stare for ages! [56 words]
Balance (Poetry) I don't want to give anything away by describing this one. It's about losing something important. [19 words]
Brian (Poetry) Slightly silly little poem, but it has a sense of emotion as well. [25 words]
Careless (Poetry) One of my first ever attempts at poetry! I remember my English teacher at the time saying I should keep writing - so blame her!! [109 words]
Dead Designers (Poetry) It was when Versace died and there was huge news coverage, I just thought how shallow it all was. Ok, a man died. It's not good news, but is it big news compared to a million people dying? I thought n... [90 words]
Discomfort (Poetry) Actually written in a German seminar at Uni. I'd had enough of the tutor's ambling drone and started to write - this is the result! Take from it what you will!! [148 words]
Drifters (Poetry) I just let my hand write whatever cam into my head...enjoy!! (It's not meant to be pretentious, but if you find something in it you like then great!) [85 words]
Effort (Poetry) About not giving up and giving your all. [47 words]
Forever Immortal (Poetry) Looking back over photographs of myself I thought no matter where I go from here I was always going to have been there, in that moment as I was and there is no changing that. It is forever in history ... [58 words]
Growing Old Alone (Poetry) I realised I hadn't had a woman in my life for a while and began to wonder if I ever would again! (Any lovely ladies out there...?!) [41 words]
Happy Again (Poetry) About the first accidental meeting with an ex that it took you ages to get over while you're having an otherwise great night out, and then she walks past in slo-mo and you recall a hundred occasions i... [89 words]
Home From Home (Poetry) After moving out from the house of Ma & Pa to live under my own roof for the first time, I soon found myself crawling back on hands & knees needing my old room back! [57 words]
Natural Colours (Poetry) Standing at my Grandfather's modest grave and looking at the flowers laid for him I had this odd idea. [56 words]
Near Death (Poetry) After falling head over heels for a girl that I knew, I decided to 'make the move'. She very bluntly turned me down. [108 words]
Needing To Get Away (Poetry) I was just kind of fed up of the way things weren't going my way and scribbled this. It's a bit tongue on cheek, but is summed up in the last line! [38 words]
No Tears (Poetry) I have no idea why I wrote thisor where it came from, but it's fairly self-explanatory. [40 words]
Not Enough Hours In A Day (Short Stories) For those people who say there's never time to do something - there is! Don't sit around putting it off - do it! [715 words]
Not To Be (Poetry) Being so alone can feel like there's no way out. [48 words]
Oh If Only (Poetry) If only the world was like this - living together as a unit, as a team - as a world. [66 words]
One Day Soon (Poetry) Just realised I wasn't going anywhere, but kept telling everyone what I wanted to do, but just sat about waiting for it to 'happen'. [35 words]
So I Said (Poetry) Us blokes just find it hard to say, ok?! [46 words]
Someone We Do Not Know (Poetry) I have absolutely no religious beliefs other than it's all a load of nonsense; but that's just my opinion - if I find myself in Hell one day I'll admit I was wrong all along! [182 words]
Someone's Playing God (Poetry) Along the same lines as 'Someone We Do Not Know', but with more belief and more sinister. [127 words]
Stood Up (Poetry) A not particularly serious little poem about those annoying moments of knowing she (or he) just isn't going to turn up! [28 words]
Sunburn (Poetry) After seeing people lying in the sun and turning into cancer-potential lobsters I just couldn't help but think how stupid some people really are! [37 words]
The End Of The World (Poetry) Fairly self-explanitory title really! [80 words]
The Show (Poetry) I found myself sitting in a huge, but empty auditorium. It felt odd being so quiet, but still all the seats watched an empty stage. (Each stanza is supposed to look like steps up to a stage!) [143 words]
The Tease (Poetry) About really fancying someone when they're your friend and they know it but just let you suffer it! [73 words]
Trust Them (Poetry) I began to think how much trust we put in inanimate objects. [107 words]
Up To Speed (Poetry) I always knew what I wanted to do with my life, but was afraid to take the plunge. I kept saying, 'next week' or 'tomorrow', but kept wimping out. This was a kick up my own backside! [200 words]
Weighing It Up (Poetry) About realising you need someone who sometimes seems too much effort. [48 words]
All Or Nothing
There is no feeling that can be more puzzling than confusion, except, perhaps, bewilderment. Or love. Love that you cannot have, but still you feel throughout your entire being, that fills every amount of emotional space in your head for every waking second and every dream at night. It is a love that one should hate, it could make you want to die and leave it forever, but instead it drives you on and makes you feel more alive than anything else.
If you are unable to relate to this situation, let me explain it to you more clearly, for this is my existence, it is my confusion. She is my love and yet she is anything but. We are friends and nothing else, yet so much more, at least to me.
* * * *
I keep wondering what it would be like to tell people we are together, or how it would feel to get home to find her there, awaiting my arrival, needing me like I know I need her. I sit alone on the bus. A stranger is perched warily next to me as I pretend I can see through the steamy window into the cascade of nothingness that is the night-black dark. I am thinking of her when she's happy. Though however content she may be, she will never know just how much joy that smile of hers brings to me.
It is impossible, I feel, to ever love anyone else, certainly not with the intensity that I have for her anyway. If I meet other women with the same name as her I feel anger towards them for bringing her name into disrepute; only she deserves her name, like a unique title to set her apart from all the others.
I have written reams and reams of poetry about how I feel for her, yet I am never satisfied that any of them do her justice, none of them fully describe her beauty or truly envisage my emotions. I have recently given this up as I have come to realise that I, or indeed anyone, could possibly come close to totally fulfilling the task. They say a picture paints a thousand words, but there will never be enough pictures painted that would say how she makes me feel inside.
In times of sheer madness I have thought it best not to think about her, deliberately, to find someone new and put her out of my thoughts, discarding her as a bad idea. But I was torturing myself with every minute, and as each hour passed the minutes became more punishing. I cried so much more than any adult male should. I found new lows. Having been feeling such highs, I was even more confused and disorientated than before.
(Depression hits you like a slow punch to the head. You see it coming, you feel it, then it hits you and you slump.)
When tears are made of air and you find yourself just staring at a blurred view of a room for a timeless time, people begin to notice. They'll ask the ironic question, as to whether you are all right, and yet you say all is fine, nothing wrong, nothing at all.
This girl had taken me over in every way you could imagine. I couldn't do anything, go anywhere or even see another person without something making me think of her in one way or another. She had grabbed me by the heart and dragged me around without even knowing it. I had reached the peaks of lust, wanton desire and frustration before plummeting the equivalent of pole to pole in a split-second and landing more than unceremoniously into depths of dangerously depressing self-hate.
No-one could argue that I had certainly taken a strenuous, stressful and sickening roller coaster of a journey, except maybe her, as she carried on, unconscious of the concequences that her innocent actions had been having.
* * * *
It must have been several months since I last saw her, or even heard her name mentioned. She had told me of her plans to travel and I can only assume that's where she got to. I'm glad I didn't know when she went or said goodbye, doing that wouldn't have helped.
To be honest, I don't really know what or when it was that I changed. One day I just realised I wasn't upset, I hadn't thought about her for a while and I was felt free. I just stood there and smiled. I smiled - I hadn't smiled for so long. A tear welled up in the corner of my eye; I knew I was happy. Things had changed for the better and life was worth living again. I could wake up in the morning and not be disappointed that I'd done so. I was glad to be alive in this world.
It's true what people say - time is a healer and things will change. No matter how bad things may seem at one point in time, there will always be the times that make up for it all - the times in our lives that make us buzz and feel warm all over when we remember them.
If we never experienced the really awful moments, how would we know the great ones were so very good?
(This isn't a matter of having a belief in fate or destiny, it's just quite simply remembering the fact that things do not stay the same forever.)
As it happens I am still single, on my own and looking for that special someone. I can now look back on that chapter in my life as just that, a part of what now makes me 'me'. I suppose now I'm in a queue for the next roller coaster that will hurl me in all directions, before letting me off at the other end, whereupon I look back at all the twists, turns, dips and drops I just experienced with a wry smile, and a memory.
For the time being though, I'm just happy, happy to be gliding on a level plain. Life would be pretty dull if it was like this all the time or if you knew what it had planned for you, wouldn't it? There is no script for you to follow, no lines to learn and there are no directions to remember and perfect. There will always be the audiences and the critics, but if there is no script, no 'guidelines of life' that you should stick to, how can anyone truly say you've made mistakes?
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© 2001 Peter Halpin
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