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A short story about a professional hitman who has been in the business one job too long. Please take the time to review as this is my first story.
Ouazan G Skilad
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Ocular Dolor (Short Stories) "Left?" "Right." "When?" "What?" Benny the doorkeeper in my building was almost completely deaf. [749 words] [Mind]
Ouazan G Skilad
�No it isn�t! its red.�
�This discussion is pointless. Clearly it�s Bordeaux. Tomatoes are red.�
�Tomatoes can be green.�
He was starting to piss me off. After everything that happened tonight, he was dragging me into this unmeaning argument. Who cares what color it is?
�Did you see that?�
�I could swear I saw it move.�
�Yes it is. Legs don�t move after being amputated.�
Who hired this guy?
Yesterday when I woke up, in my hotel room, he was already there. Watching �law and order�. How the hell did he get in? That doesn�t matter now! Focus!
�Grab one of the legs�
�I don�t care. Take the one with the tattoo.�
�Now what? Take it home and make sausages! What do you think you idiot?�
�I�ve never done this before.�
Good god where did they find this moron? And better yet how did he find me?
�Where the hell do you think you�re going?�
�I�m going home. I didn�t come here to get insulted by a �has been�.�
�Why did you come then?�
�To get the job done.�
�Get the fucking job done!!!�
One more hiccup and he�s joining the girl. I don�t care where he�s from or who he knows. I�ve been in this business long enough to spot a fuck up and this guy was fucking up from the very beginning. First he takes out the wrong target (which we now have to dispose of) then he starts debating every little detail. I�ve had it. One more mistake and this will be a solo operation. I almost want him to do it. Give me a reason asshole. And then he does.
�Who�s the real target then?�
I take out my 9 and shoot him. My head hits the concrete. How can this be? Why am I the one tasting blood? Have I lost it?
He�s gone. So am I.
|READER'S REVIEWS (4)
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"Thank you for allowing me to read your story 'Red'. It's your first. Congratulations. The story is fine as it goes but what you may need to do is replace some of the dialogue with description. In the story there are brief mentions of other leads,other avenues get mentioned but not developed. Also what are the ages of the characters? How clever are they?And look for internal logic within your story. If a situation does not ring true it might be skipped over and you'd never know. 302 words are not many but it is possible to tighten up on your story. Consider your use of the word 'was'. You might make your writing more powerful by editing this word out in place. Look at your words 'He was starting' , why not 'he started' to crisp up your writing. In any short story or flash fiction there is a need to grab the attention in the first seven seconds. The 'hook' does that as it is the introduction to the story. Often a better catch phrase is found two thirds down. I looked for it. Here is what I found: " Legs don�t move after being amputated.� Now isn't that a beauty of a 'hook' to start a story. I hope you have found this review of some help. Help is what ever writer need, even me. Best wishes Cleveland W. Gibson author of moondust www.lauraHird.com showcase" -- Cleveland W. Gibson, Faringdon, Oxfordshire, United Kingdom.
"too good for a first try!!" -- Upasana Datta, India.
"Interesting story.I found it a little confusing at the end because it is a little unclear who's talking.I am a little unsure of just who got shot in the end as well,was it both? Is that what 'He's gone.So am I' means?Again,it was an interesting story considering how short it was." -- David Daniels.
"the end IS confusing and that was the whole purpose. the guy in the story is schizo and much more confused than the reader. he shot himself. hope it helps.... G Ouazan (the writer of 'RED'." -- Ouazan G..
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© 2005 Ouazan G Skilad
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