ABOUT
THE AUTHOR
Read and find out, my stories is what I think of the world at times. [October 2004]
Mfoam Diablo Hate
Mfoam
"It was year 1986 when this all happened, i was a student in grossville high school. It was this boy named Allen Moore he was a freak of nature with his powers of the mind, but ever since he went to that nut house he was never the same again." Bryan carter slowly closed his book and said: he will come back and i will be ready. That night Bryan was laying on his bed when his girlfriend britney love came in and jumped on Bryan and said: Bryan i love you, and Bryan said: i thought you were dead and britneys voice turned deep and said: you just had to remind me and she started to melt to the bones and as bryan was moving away from her, britney grabbed his hand and screamed in his ear: DON'T YOU LOVE ME ANYMORE. Bryan got loose and when britney's body hit the bed she disappeared, but in the background Bryan heard a laugh and when he turned around there was Allen Moore, and Allen said: hello Bryan how are you, and Bryan said: well Allen how is the freak show.
Allen looked at bryan and said: you will die Bryan and all will watch as you fall at my feet, and Bryan ran to Allen, but Allen grabbed Bryans head and slammed him and the ground and threw him out the window, but bryan landed on a man in a wheel chair, and Bryan was ok. Bryan looked at the man, but didn't feel sorry and he didn't know why, but then the man in the wheel chair soul came out and went into bryan and he started to float. Allen looked at Bryan and said: why won't you die, and Allen jumped out of the window and kicked Bryan in the face and grabbed him by the head and when he landed he slammed Bryan's head into the sidewalk and started to walk off, but Bryan got up and said: Allen i'm not done with you.
Allen turned around and Bryan grabbed him by the head and slammed him into the ground and threw him into a building. Allen got up and ran to Bryan and when he did Bryan grabbed him by the wrist and slung him into a wall and when Allen hit the wall he disappeared and reappeared behind Bryan and grabbed his leg and slung him in the air 500 feet and jumped up and grabbed his face and threw him down to the side walk again. Allen landed beside him and leaned down to the body and said: good show. and when he said that. Bryan punched Allen in the face and grabbed him and threw him through a building, Allen then said: now i'm mad and Allen created a energy dome and destoried the city and all the souls came into him and he became all mighty powerful and he disappeared and reappeared beside Bryan And said: now you will die and as Allen was charging up his energy attack Bryan started to laugh and Allen said: what are you laughing at.
Bryan looked at Allen and said: you have killed me but now you have no one, you only have yourself and that is what it will stay as in this world of yours. Allen then said: no you will not win, and Allen destoried himself. Bryan looked around and got up and pulled out a contacter and said: allen moore is terminated, and then bryan said: hold on for a second and he said: rebuild and the city started rebuilding itself and the person on the other line said good job Bryan Hate. the end
diablo
2004
READER'S REVIEWS (1) DISCLAIMER: STORYMANIA DOES NOT PROVIDE AND IS NOT RESPONSIBLE FOR REVIEWS. ALL REVIEWS ARE PROVIDED BY NON-ASSOCIATED VISITORS, REGARDLESS OF THE WAY THEY CALL THEMSELVES.
"Well, i feel that you have something going here. The thing i am seein the most is that your sentences seem to go on longer than needed, and that you hardly use any punctuation. You need to use quotation marks when people are talking as well. You use the names "Allen" and "Bryan" a lot, it is quite repetitive and tedious. You can use pronouns in some cases, it is acceptable and will not confuse the reader. You also need to have a clear purpose or meaning to the story. It was interesting to say the least, but i did not see the purpose and to be honest was confused about the whole thing. If you improved your grammer, it might make it easier. Also some background into the "killer" would help. It needs some organization and sentence structure work. Overall, okay job" -- Anne P, United States.
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