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Anger, Depression, Bargaining, Denial, Acceptance.
The thoughts of Joseph Richard Patterson on November 13th, 2002.
Lives in Pennsylvania.
AUTHOR'S E-MAIL ADDRESS
|AUTHOR'S OTHER TITLES (10)
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The Final Statement. (Short Stories) A man about to be executed makes his final statement. [1,221 words]
The Threats Against Edward Solomon High (Short Stories) An unusual day at a high school. [4,313 words]
Anger, Depression, Bargaining, Denial, Acceptance.
Oh god. Oh shit. Oh fuck. Dammit. How could I? How could I fucking forget. Is there any hope? Jesus. Jesus Fucking Christ. Shit Shit Shit. FUCK!
How could I. One time. One time without a condom. One little fuck up. SHIT SHIT SHIT!
I need a cigarette. No. I need a drink. A big drink. Iím going to drink this one off. I hate God. He really fucked me on this one. Iím going to get so drunk.
God, Iím such a waste. I get, potentially, the most important news of my life and Iím talking about drinking. I could have been doing so many other things. I chose to have sex. Iím such a waste of fucking life. The ultimate trash. I should have never been born. None of this would be happening. Like last week you were driving to work. There was an accident on the side of the road. You kept saying Jesus people learn how to drive. Just cause you were in traffic. And then when you got there you were rubber necking trying to see what happened. And all those times you called off work and werenít really sick. Grow up. You smoke. Youíre a smoker. I was just asking for this eventually. Such a loser. Big time.
It happened so fucking fast.
Jesus please donít let this happen. Oh god let me take back time. One month. Please. It was an accident. A mistake.
Iíve been a good person. Iíve been an excellent person. Pay my taxes. I donate. I volunteer. Well not lately. But I have. I forget for a little while and this is what happens. Iíve been busy lately. I canít do everything. Thereís five hundred nine hundred ninety nine billion other people on the planet. Why do I have to be the only one that volunteers? I help my mother. I go and see her once a week. She always has things around the house for me to do. And last week at church, I gave an extra ten dollars. Church. Thatís where I met her. Dammit. One time. Thatís all it took. Fuck.
I help more. Iíll be a better person. Iíll stop smoking. Iíll exercise. Iíll adopt a kid. Iíll start going to church every Sunday. No. Iíll start going to church everyday. And Iíll pray. Iíll be kinder. Iíll give more money to those people with the bells outside K-mart. Please Iíll do anything.
This canít be happening. WaitÖ no. This is isnít happening. Itís a dream. Iím dreaming. I have to be. This doesnít happen to people like me. Iím going wake up soon. Very soon. This must be a dream. It feels like a dream. Nothing feels real anymore. Iíll pinch myself. Iíll pinch myself and Iíll wake up. No. Shit. I didnít. This is real.
Thereís a mistake with the test. Thereís no way. It was just one time. I canít be. Iíll get another test. But it says I am. It canít be wrong. Can it? Maybe they got my sample mixed up with someone elseís. This isnít mine. Things like this donít happen to people like me. They seriously donít. Fuck.
Maybe itís a trick. It could be. This is some reality show. If I just give them the depressed individual look someone will come running out. Theyíll tell me it was a joke set up by my friends. Iíll laugh it off, get drunk and this will all be over. Someone. Please. God fucking dammit.
Is it really true. Iíll get tested again. Iíll do it first thing tomorrow. But it says it. Right there. Positive. I donít care. Itís not true. But one time. Thatís all it took.
But itís true. These tests wouldnít be wrong. They canít be. Theyíre designed to test for it. Such a stupid decision. But one Iíll have to live with. Can I? I could end this now. I fucked up. I fucked up real bad. How can I take it back? I canít. Theyíll find a cure. Itís not over till itís over. Do you really believe that? Is there anything else to believe at this point? Thatís going to be the only thing that keeps me alive. The fact that there may be someday a cure. I feel like crying. Go ahead. It will make you feel better. It wonít do any good. When the tears are done, reality will still be there. Let íem flow. I already am. I have AIDS.
|READER'S REVIEWS (1)
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"Is this a friend of yours? Did this really happen? Sounds like some pretty bad news. Nothing is God's fault. Many of us made this mistake in the past. The good news for this individual is that God will forgive him if he asks." -- Nick Marshburn.
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© 2005 Bradley Grimes
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