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Not Such A Funny Fool
Lacie comes to a horrifying realisation only to then discover is may not be as horrifying as she thought.
[1,332 words]
Aardvark Anteater
I'm a fun loving author who often sits down and just starts typing. Sometimes I'll come out with something good, sometimes not. I don't plan, I don't make a web, I just let what I feel out.
[August 2004]
[email protected]
Not Such A Funny Fool
Aardvark Anteater

I stared at him. Blinked. Blinked again, faster this time. I could feel a knot in my throat. I forced a sob down and sniffed.
"Why?" Was the only word out of my entire vocabulary that came to mind.
"It...just has to be this way." He said, glancing at the clock. Inwardly I groaned.
"Um...well....no it really doesn't. You know that."
"I know, but, it just doesn't feel right anymore."
"Odd....I felt as though everything had clicked into place."
He looked at the ceiling and closed his eyes. "Don't fucking do this to me Lacie. I feel bad enough."
I shook my head in disbelief. "You feel bad? I'm the one getting...getting..." I swallowed. He let out a heavy sigh.
"I knew this wouldnt go over well. Lacie...you just...calm down..."
"No Jack. No. Not calming down, freaking out here." I said, backing up. I reached behind me and found a desk, sliding into it.
"Lacie. Lacie, baby, please..." Jack said, his tone softer this time. He walked over and knelt in front of the desk.
"Jack, this isn't right. I know it, you know it, what you're doing isn't right."
"Well, you see....I sorta...."
I looked at him, eyes widening.
"You did what?!"
"Lacie, hon, calm yourserlf down."
"I will do no such thing!" I yelled, jumping up and knocking over the desk. He advanced towards me and I took a step back.
"You stand right there Jack McFarley. Do not take another step towards me."
"Do you remember the party I went to..."
"Stop! Stop! Stop!" I screamed, closing my eyes and covering my ears. My worse fears had come to life.
"I got a little...smashed. Okay I got a lot smashed."
I opened my eyes and looked around the classroom. It was midnight on a Tuesday, March 31. Jack McFarley was about to tell me something I didn't want to know.
"Lacie, I don't remember anything. I just was told what happened because of Janelle...she told me everything."
I looked at him and kept backing up, wanting to get away. I looked at the door.
"Lacie don't run away you need to hear this. I have to tell you the truth."
My butt hit the front of the professor's desk. I sat on it and Jack walked to stand in front of me. I looked away.
"Janelle said I was completely drunk out of my mind and I met a girl. This part I remember. She was beautiful Lacie. She had these curves and perfect Cs."
I looked away. Jack glanced at my face.
"Well, she was pretty out of it and I was pretty out of it so we...decided to take a walk....up the stairs." I felt a tear slide down my cheek. My perfect Jack... my perfect straight, head of the football team, poetry wiritng, sensitive boyfriend Jack was about to tell me something. Something BAD.
"We found an empty bedroom...the parents' it turned out to be. We walked in and closed the door, and things started getting, a little too warm for our tastes. So we decided that we had too many items of clothing on."
"Jack, I get it. You had sex with another girl."
"Not only that, but you made love. Passionate love. You're only supposed to love me like that, Jack. It's your job as my boyfriend."
"Believe me, Lacie, nothing can compare to you. But things happen when you're drunk. Things, happen...."
"Whatever, Jack. I'm out." I wiped my tears and walked to the door. He could go and fuck his stupid Bimbo all he wanted. I didn't care.
"Lacie stop. There's more."
"Jack McFarley I don't want to hear the details. How she moaned and groaned and how you shoved your dick up into her. Don't want to hear it."
"Fine, I'll spare you the details, just...there's more."
Jack touched my arm and guided me back to the desk and hoisted me up. I looked him in the eye and nodded. "Go on."
"Well, you see, then-"
"Whoa back up like ten steps. How the hell do you know all of this. And I quote, 'Lacie, I don't remember anything.' How do you know all of this."
Jack shifted his position and looked nervously around the room.
My eyes widened. I laughed bitterly. "You have got to be kidding me. JANELLE? You let her watch this whole ordeal? I cannot-"
"Well, you see, she didn't really watch, um...she....sorta..."
"Jack McFarley please tell me she did not participate! Tell me now that Janelle sat there and fingered herself while watching you have sex with this...this...."
"Oh what a perfect name. Mary the Bimbo. Was she blonde?"
Jack winced and nodded slightly. He continued slowly. "No...she....well she sorta, then she...you see..."
I shook my head and looked at him in contempt. You bastard. You bastard. You slept with not one but TWO other women who were not me."
"Yes. There's more, though....."
Now, nothing on earth could have prepared me for what came next.
"I wasn't expecting to have sex that night, so I didn't have protection, and well, I just talked to Mary yesterday. She's........pregnant."
I looked at Jack. I was completely and utterly stunned. "Well, Jack. That was a great story. I wish I had some popcorn." I stood up and walked to the door. He followed me. I pushed it open too hard and winced when it slammed against the wall. Jack grabbed my arm and I jerked it away. He ran to catch up with me and caught me at the exit door of the school. I spun around and looked at him, still backing up. I pushed to doors open with my back and went to turn around but he grabbed me.
"Jack McFarley!" I screamed. "I cannot believe you impregnated another high school girl! This is fucking unbelievable! First you sleep with two girls, neither me. While you are drunk I add. One of them gets pregnant. How peachy."
"Lacie," Jack started, smiling.
"No, you know what? Here!" I leaned back and punched him right in the face. He fell to the ground. "Go to hell, McFarley. I don't need you anymore."
I turned around and saw fifty smiling faces looking at me. My mouth dropped open and I heard somone say "One, two three.. APRIL FOOLS!"
I looked at my watch. It was 12:30 am Wednesday, April 1st. I looked on as everyone laughed. Janelle, who happened to be my best friend, ran up and smiled.
"Wasn't that just the best? Jack was wearing a mike so we heard the whole thing from out here! We really fooled you this time, Lacie! I told you we'd get you!"
I heard a groan from behind me. Jack's nose was bleeding. I let out a cry and knelt down. Jack...honey...are you okay?" I asked. He nodded and I lifted him up. He smiled and coughed.
"Youve got a great right hook, Lacie."
I smiled and looked back at Janelle, who was smiling at me. \
"You should see my left." I said, then punched Janelle right in the face. She fell right to the ground and looked up at me, tears flowing. I held my head high and strode out of there. The crowd parted, not wanting to get close. I walked home, furious. If I had anything to do with it, Jack McFarley would never speak to me again.

Well, it's been twenty years since all of that, and I'm now Mrs. McFarley. It took Jack months of begging to get me back, and eventually I gave up, on the grounds that never again will a practical joke be executed on me.

Janelle had much more groveling to do, because it was her plan. I didn't give in. She's someone else's best friend now. Anyone I tell this story tolooks at me with sympathy. I don't tell it to those who I know will laugh. To this day it's a nightmare thinking of Jack and Mary that way, who incidentally is now my best friend and is not as curvy as Jack made her out to be. She sweet and innocent, not at all the Bimbo whore I thought.

For those of you who are thinknig of creating such a prank, I advise you not to. Lots of girls have great left hooks.



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© 2004 Aardvark Anteater
August 2004

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