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TITLE (EDIT)
The Fly And... |
DESCRIPTION
That Geoff Goldblum had it easy! One fly?? I should have been so lucky!
[483 words] |
TITLE KEYWORD
Humor |
AUTHOR
Xoggoth |
ABOUT
THE AUTHOR
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[March 2004] |
AUTHOR'S OTHER TITLES (25)
A Capital Fart (Short Stories) The redundant London underground is pressed into service to win a world farting contest. [736 words] [Humor]
A Wrong Turn Somewhere (Short Stories) Somewhere near Birmingham a driver takes a wrong turn and loses everything. [492 words] [Mystical]
Amnesty (Short Stories) A gun amnesty in a rough borough of London goes idiotically wrong. [561 words] [Comedy]
Arnie (Short Stories) A little labourer has a terminator approach to his work. [646 words] [Humor]
Back To The Garden (Short Stories) Depressing the extent to which everything is being dumbed down these days. Poor state education? Is that all it is? [527 words] [Mind]
Changing To Go Out (Short Stories) In the aftermath of the genetic bomb, a simple night at the pictures with the missus is no easy task. [444 words] [Humor]
God's Trainees (Short Stories) Him upstairs is thinking of retiring, all he needs to do is train up some suitable replacements. Easier said than done. They just don't make deities the way the used to. [1,570 words] [Humor]
Mementoes Of Treasured Occasions (Short Stories) A struggling photographer finds a rich new source of business. [496 words] [Humor]
Providing For Sarah (Short Stories) A desolate man finds comfort in an imaginary (?) companion. But who will care for her when he's gone? [883 words] [Mind]
Sex Life Of The Amoeba (Short Stories) A serious paper on cellular mytosis in a well known eukarytic organism. The dirty little... [1,108 words] [Humor]
Soup (Short Stories) A soup manufacturer ends life on Earth. [514 words] [Comedy]
The Adventures Of Archie 1 - The Great Escape (Short Stories) A sort of Alice in Wonderland meets Canterbury Tales sort of thing but sillier than the former and even more boring than the latter. In episode 1 our elderly rabbit hero escapes his hutch and disappe... [473 words] [Humor]
The Adventures Of Archie 2 - The Little Demon's Tale (Short Stories) A hell spawned satanic creature identifies too much with men and falls to their level. [901 words] [Humor]
The Adventures Of Archie 3 - The Spider Catcher's Tale. (Short Stories) Archie escapes from the paralysing purple and find himself in a world where an avoidable infestation has eaten all the perspective. There he meets the spider catcher and learns why ballroom dancing i... [1,313 words] [Humor]
The Adventures Of Archie 4a - The Great Regurgitato (Short Stories) Achie learns of the greats of bodily functions and meets the greatest of them all. [781 words] [Humor]
The Adventures Of Archie 4b - The Great Regurgitato's Tale (Short Stories) Continued. [823 words] [Humor]
The Adventures Of Archie 5a - The Army Surplus Salesman (Short Stories) Archie learns the truth they try and keep from us, that being disembowelled is fun, meets a descendant of the Piltdown man and travels to the army surplus fair to find Little Boy is no bargain. [913 words]
The Adventures Of Archie 6 - A Peaceful Solution (Short Stories) Following a Little Boy explosion Archie find himself on a desolate plain and meets two tribes who are too stupid to realise that war and bloodshed are by far the most efficient means of resolving disp... [1,271 words] [Humor]
The Adventures Of Archie 7 - The Puzzleman's Tale (Short Stories) Archie finds he is not alone in the valley. He shares it with a man in a very strange prison. You have to endure a little homily on man's inhumanity to decorating materials first. [2,988 words] [Humor]
The Adventuresof Archie 5b - The Army Surplus Salesman's Tale (Short Stories) Continued. [1,116 words]
The Horrid Tale Of Evil Worm (Short Stories) A rare accident in the vegetable patch transforms a humble earthworm into a satanic being. [1,158 words]
The Several Voyages Of Fat Tony (Short Stories) Foul deeds on the dead sea coast get their richly deserved comeuppance. [1,377 words]
The Two Bills (Short Stories) William Shakespeare fails to get to grips with Microsoft Word. [777 words]
Vomiting On Tony (Short Stories) The Mad Messiah (AKA Tony Blair) gets what he thoroughly deserves. [499 words] [Humor]
Your Little God Is Pooh And Creepy Too (Short Stories) Only the innocent find salvation. In the run up to the revelation the kids of St Crispin's Middle School are introduced to their own little salvations. PS I know Buddha was not a god, it's creative l... [1,442 words] [Humor]
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The Fly And...
Xoggoth
Darn it to smithereens. Always liked those old horror movies but never expected to be one. I am living 'The fly' in real life. Well, not 'The fly' exactly, but the reality doesn't have the same ring to it so 'The fly' will do.
Wife ordered me to throw away all my beloved accumulation of junk; my collection of washing machine parts; all my old hobby electronics bits; the spares for much loved vans and motorcycles I had in the 70s; the ancient tennis video games and so on that I just knew I would need some day. Says we can never find the barbecue utensils or get the lawnmower out with all 'that junk' in the sheds.
So I resolved I would use it, all of it down to the very last 7400, to make something really spectacular. Watching 'The fly' with Geoff Goldbum on TV gave me the idea. Matter transporters are no problem to us geniuses (or is that genii?) and I soon had the prototype set up in the back garden.
I did not want to share Geoff's fate so I cleaned the primary chamber (made from two old washing machines) thoroughly and then checked again, after I closed the door, that there was nothing in there with me before I pressed the button.
Sod. The stupid film got it wrong or my transporter did not work in quite the same fashion. Mine was two-way. As I transported to the secondary chamber (made from three old spin dryers) which I had not swept, the collection of creepy-crawlies in it was transported the other way and of course our molecules all got mixed up in the middle somewhere.
One fly? Where do these people live? Here in Sussex in the summer you have to empty the wildlife out of your shoes in the morning. Through my plethora of tiny insect (and arachnid and crustacean and myriapod) eyes I could see bits of me running and hopping about all over the garden.
My left foot bumping against the fence (the tiny woodlouse brain in charge had not quite got the hang of it) started next door's dog off. It came bounding over jumping against the fence and knocking over the primary transporter. Triggered something. The darn machine went mad, sucking in everything in range of both transporters, mixing them all up and spitting them out of the other one.
That Goldblum was lucky! half man, half fly indeed! Now I find I am sharing my body and my mind with five flies, two mosquitoes, ten garden spiders, fourteen earthworms, three millipedes, several centipedes, eight slugs, three garden snails, numerous woodlice, an earwig, seven sparrows, two starlings, two blackbirds, a cat, next door's dog, two grass snakes and that old plum tree that never produces any plums.
You wait till the wife gets home. I shan't half give her a piece of my mind. This is all her fault!
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COPYRIGHT NOTICE
© 2003 Xoggoth |
STORYMANIA PUBLICATION DATE
February 2004 |
NUMBER OF TIMES TITLE VIEWED
2384
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