Lost In Space...Beagle 2
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TITLE (EDIT)
Lost In Space...Beagle 2 |
DESCRIPTION
The true story of Beagle 2 ?
Apologies to Yanks in general...
[1,105 words] |
TITLE KEYWORD
Science Fiction |
AUTHOR
Harvey Kennett |
ABOUT
THE AUTHOR
Wallace (We are Legion)
[November 2007] |
AUTHOR'S E-MAIL ADDRESS
[email protected] |
AUTHOR'S OTHER TITLES (23)
Architects Of Our Own Demise (Short Stories) Man questions God for answers... and God replies... [369 words] [Horror]
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Birthday Boy (Short Stories) Younger children place a great importance to their Birthdays. An importance that adults should never underestimate... [967 words] [Horror]
Can You Trust Us Strangers ? (Short Stories) Your life is not your own... [304 words] [Science Fiction]
Divine Domain (Short Stories) The search for God takes many forms, not least of which is the Internet. A young man stumbles across God's Domain on the Web. This short story is the result of his "First Contact". [1,471 words] [Humor]
Eating Babies (Short Stories) Forgive the title...it just seemed appropriate for this disturbing little tale... [1,074 words] [Horror]
Elegant Provisions (Short Stories) Everyone is looking for the "perfect recipe"...here is a personal favourite...bon appetit ! [420 words] [Horror]
Eternal Diary (Poetry) Your clock is ticking... [123 words]
Goodnight Sweet Kevin (Short Stories) It concerns me that we, as a species, follow trends and "buzzwords", and anyone who dares to question the self-styled Hierophants of the Press and Govenment is crucified at the Altar of Supposed Freed... [603 words] [Science Fiction]
Man Skin (Short Stories) When you sleep, what happens to your dreams ? [776 words] [Horror]
Morning Comes (Poetry) Author�s Notes: This poem was written some 16 years ago, one morning when I woke from a beautiful dream. I imagined that my long-distance girlfriend who I only saw once a year was cuddled up in my ar... [65 words] [Romance]
Naming Of Farts (Poetry) Apologies to Henry Reed.... [243 words] [Humor]
Nobody Heard Me (Short Stories) If you found this when you returned home, how would you react ? [577 words] [Horror]
Some Body (Short Stories) Two lovers collide.... [220 words] [Humor]
The First Cut Was The Last (Short Stories) One man's irrational fear following a shocking discovery. [813 words] [Horror]
The Last Revelation (Short Stories) An alternative look at when we die... [883 words]
The Model (Poetry) ...incoming transmission... [167 words] [Science Fiction]
The Voyage (Poetry) We can all sail a calm sea, but life is about how we deal with the obstacles in our path. [130 words] [Self-Help]
This Golden Age (Poetry) I have met many folks who were unhappy with the time they were born in to. This poem is dedicated to them... [164 words] [Animal]
This Green And Sterile Land (Poetry) The UK coined the term "The Industrial Revolution". Once the wheel had turned full circle from unemeployment to employment and then back again, Britain eventually lost it's industrial edge and the fac... [154 words]
Words To Die For... (Short Stories) The story of one man's obsession with words.... [571 words] [Horror]
You Don't Have To Talk... (Short Stories) When you are shy, and cannot find the words to say, say nothing. [607 words] [Relationships]
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Lost In Space...Beagle 2
Harvey Kennett
Scenario
********
Beagle 2 calls a support troglodyte at Microsoft, asking for assistance during its final descent in to the hostile Martian landscape.
Transcript
**********
B2: "Hi. It's me. You know. Beagle2. The spiffy new Martian Lander that the Brits (God Save the Queen) have paid 30 million pounds to fly on a one-way trip to Mars."
MS Trog : "Yeah."
B2 : "Well, I'm having a spot of bother old chap. I don�t suppose you could help me could you ?�
MS Trog : �Have you got a support contract ?�
B2: �Er�I�m not sure. Hang on, I�ll check my records.����Ah yes, here it is�X05113971�
MS Trog �Ok..what seems to be the problem ?�
B2 : �Well, I�m on my final descent to Mars, hurtling through clouds of noxious gases at 873 mph, about to hit re-entry boosters and I�ve got a problem.�
MS Trog : �Ok. I�ll try my best to help. What seems to be the problem ?�
B2 : �I�ve, er, um, wet meself�
MS Trog : �I beg your pardon ?�
B2 : �Look, don�t laugh, but I�ve widdled myself. I couldn�t help it. I�m terrified. I�ve never done this before, not even in dry runs. No pun intended.�
MS Trog : �Right, er, um. I don�t think you�re the only one�
B2: �Sorry ?�
MS Trog : �Right. So, how can I help exactly ? Do you need an external consultant to visit you ?�
B2 : �I�m 170.2 million kilometres away, about to crash in to the Martian surface. Would that be a problem ?�
MS Trog : �Er..yeah. I think it might. You�ve reached the Local Support Desk in Redmond. We only cover the Seattle CBD.�
B2: �Oh. Do any other of your support teams cover further afield ?�
MS Trog : �You�ll have to forgive me, but I�m American. I have no concept of anything existing outside of the USA. Like the other 98% of my fellow Americans, I don�t have a passport and have never visited outside my own country. I could pass the call on to a satellite office in one of the other countries we own. Where did you say you were again, Beagle 2 ?�
B2 : �Mars. On the surface. In about 180 seconds anyway.�
MS Trog : �Mars�er�where is that exactly ?�
B2 : �It�s a planet. In the Solar System. Just past Earth going outwards from the Sun. If you get to Jupiter, you�ve gone too far and need to turn back.�
MS Trog : �Cool ! You�re in space ? Like Wow! Totally Awesome!�
B2: �Yes, yes, it�s all jolly exciting isn�t it ? You Yanks are very excitable fellows aren�t you ? Now, can we just focus on my dilemma please before I disperse my guts all over the Martian landscape like previous predecessors ?�
MS Trog : �Alrighty then. As I�m having a good day, I�ll help you out, little buddy.�
B2 :
MS Trog : �Hello ? You still there ?�
Little Buddy �Yes. I just had to reprogram my call sign. You�ve elected to call me some stupid name and I need to recognise it or else I won�t respond.�
MS Trog : �Er..ok. Right. So, you�ve wet yourself then ?�
Little Buddy : �Yes. I�ve jettisoned my last remaining 5 kilograms of propellant.�
MS Trog : �And what is your status at the moment ?�
Little Buddy : �I�d have thought that would have been bleedin� obvious, even to a Yank or an MS Support Techie. I�m completely buggered.�
MS Trog : �I see. Well, have you tried rebooting ?�
Little Buddy : �Of course. But nothing�s happening�
MS Trog : �What Operating System are you running, dude ?�
Little Buddy :
MS Trog : �Oh dude, that�s sooooo last century. You want to be running Windows XP Pro.�
Dude : �Well, when I was conceived, that�s all that was available. It was the most up-to-date OS you guys did.�
MS Trog : �Sorry dude, it�s just sooooo pooched that the US Military bought it off Microsoft to install on enemy systems as counter-electronic warfare.�
Dude : �So there is nothing you can do ?�
MS Trog : �Well, I could email you a patch, but to be honest, it�s bigger than the OS put together and it doesn�t work anyway.�
Dude : �I see. So now what ?�
MS Trog : �Hang on, I�ve just had Bob, one of the Senior Tech Support guys drop a note on my desk. These guys are good. They�re guru-level. Bob�s been in Tech Support for 3 weeks now.�
Dude : �Well, that�s a comfort.�
MS Trog : �Cool. Let�s see. Ok, here we go. Bob says �Deploy the Solar Wing Panels�
Dude : �What about my parachute ?�
MS Trog : �Er�ok�try that then.�
Dude : �Are you sure ? I�m not meant to deploy until I get 1 mile above the surface.�
MS Trog : �Should be fine. Article number Q199231 says it�ll be ok. I can fax it to you if you like ?�
Dude : �No thanks. I don�t have a fax on board. I�m a frickin� Martian Rover not a Recruitment Consultant.�
MS Trog : �Ok dude. Give it a try.�
Dude
MS Trog : �How�s it going dude ?�
Dude �It seems to be working. I�m slowing down. I�m floating down to the surface at normal speed.�
MS Trog : �Way to go, dude !�
Dude : �I made it ! I�ve landed on the surface ! And I�ve avoided all rocks and obstacles ! I�m clear ! Yippee !
MS Trog : �See ? Wetting yourself wasn�t such a bad thing after all, dude. We all get a bit loose when faced with a challenge of epic, life-threatening proportions. What mattered was that you pulled through when it counted and you�ve made it safely on to the Mars-thing when you needed to. I�m proud of you dude, I really am.�
<<< THUNK >>>
MS Trog : �Hey dude ? You still there ? Dude ?�
*******************************
As the camera pans out over the extreme Martian landscape, we see an alienesque looking heap of junk, Earth-like in origin, bearing the words �Beagle 2�, sitting on the Martian soil, speared by a 15� long icicle of propellant straight through the external housing and central processor�.
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COPYRIGHT NOTICE
© 2004 Harvey Kennett |
STORYMANIA PUBLICATION DATE
December 2006 |
NUMBER OF TIMES TITLE VIEWED
3439
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