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The Thing On The Ice
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The Thing On The Ice
Based on a real teen who visits the Okoboji (Iowa) web site and posts his messages using all caps. I've made him a hero! This story was a way to pass the long, cold February hours. Silly, and quirky. Totally unbelievable. All in fun. Hope you like it!
Paula is an elementary school library associate living in the midwest. She is married, with one child.
|AUTHOR'S OTHER TITLES (2)
Paint My World (Poetry) A woman struggles with depression and self-isolation. From a strange dream I had. [111 words] [Mind]
The Cozy Rest Motel (Short Stories) The Cozy Rest Motel: A woman traveling alone on business through rural Missouri is compelled to stop at an abandoned motel, where she has an eerie experience. [2,033 words]
The Thing On The Ice
The locals of Okoboji were mystified. They checked the Smith's Bay cam daily. What was the mysterious object on the ice? Where had it come from? How did it get there? Most importantly, who would be brave enough to venture onto the lake to find some answers?
BojiBoy had a plan. Sitting at his 'puter, he managed to make a still shot of the dark object on the ice. Using his own invention, OkoPhotoshop, he enlarged the still shot until the mysterious object could be identified.
In shock, BojiBoy exclaimed, "HOLY SMOKES. NOBODY GUNNA B'LIEVE IT. THE PPL GUNNA B FREAKIN! GOOD THING BOJIBOY HASN'T MISSED AN EPISODE OF SMALLVILLE. I KNOW JUST WHAT TO DO TO SAVE MY BOJI PPL'S FROM THIS HORRIBLE THING!"
So, in the dark cover of a cold Okoboji night, BojiBoy formulated a plan.
BojiBoy changed from his extra baggy, long shorts (worn year 'round) and University of Okoboji T-shirt into an indiscernible pair of black sweatpants with matching sweatshirt. He snuck into his little brother's room and located a Spiderman ski mask.
"WELL DARN IT, CLARK WOULD B FREAKIN' BUT THIS WILL HAVE TO DO IF BOJIBOY IS TO REMAIN ANONYMOUS."
He put on the ski mask and headed out to the tool shed where he collected a torch, a rope, and his dad's poster of Pamela Anderson. He headed down toward Smith's Bay.
"MAN IT IS TOO COLD," BojiBoy said through chattering teeth, "BUT I WILL DO ANYTHING TO SAVE MY BOJI PPL'S FROM THIS NIGHTMARE!"
As BojiBoy stepped onto the ice he noticed that it was beginning to thin. Did that stop him? "R U KIDDING, PPL'S? NO WAY! BOJIBOY IS GUNNA SAVE OKOBOJI!"
He got down on his stomach and began to crawl out onto the ice. As he got closer to the mysterious, dark object he heard a sound which could have frozen his heart on an August Okoboji day... Singing... awful, screeching, horrible singing! There were French people screaming in the background, as though they were hearing the Beatles, not this ear-breaking sound that BojiBoy was hearing.
Soon, BojiBoy was close enough to see the Thing On The Ice up close and personal. It was a large cage, and inside (wearing Speedo’s) was the horror that could be the end of Okoboji.
He put down his torch and his rope, and unfurled his Pamela Anderson poster... As he held it high above his head he screamed triumphantly, "OKAY YOU HORRIBLE THING! BOJIBOY IS HERE TO SAVE ALL HIS PPL'S! U R GUNNA STOP THAT AWFUL NOISE NOW AND GO BACK WHERE U CAME FROM!"
The Thing in the cage turned around and dropped its microphone, and BojiBoy found himself staring into the face of none other than...
BojoBoy found himself staring into the face of none other than David Hasselhoff!
"OK BAYWATCH DUDE! THE GAME IS UP! THOSE FRENCH PPL MIGHT THINK U CAN SING BUT WE DON'T TAKE KINDLY TO IT HERE!"
Hasselhoff flashed his Hollywood-blue eyes and said, "BojiBoy! Ya gotta save me! With my career crumbling, I signed up for that darned show, 'Help! I'm A Celebrity! Get Me Out Of Here!' and they dropped me here in this cage and then plumb forgot about me!"
BojiBoy looked suspicious. He replied, "I DON'T THINK I SHOULD TRUST U, HASSELHOFF."
Hasselfhoff begged, "BojiBoy, why else would I be locked in a cage on West Lake Okoboji in February wearing Speedo’s?"
BojiBoy said, "DUDE... U GOTTA POINT THERE. BOJIBOY WILL DO WHAT HE CAN."
Now, neither Hasselhoff nor BojiBoy noticed the crowd that had begun to gather on the deck at The Dry Dock Lounge. BojiBoy's ppl's!
BojiBoy put down the Pamela Anderson poster and picked up his torch. "STAY BACK, HASSELHOFF. BOJIBOY IS GUNNA HAVE TO BLAST U OUT."
BojiBoy fired up his torch. Hasselhoff cowered in the corner of the cage as BojiBoy began to melt the bars with the intense heat of the torch. Unfortunately, the heat was also causing the ice to become even thinner. BojiBoy knew that timing was everything. Finally! The bars melted!
"THERE U GO HASSELHOFF. NOW GET SOME DECENT CLOTHES ON AND GET OUTTA HERE!"
Hasselhoff looked BojiBoy in the eye and suddenly, the Hollywood-blue eyes became cold as ice...
Hasselhoff gave an evil laugh and said coldly, "I knew you were no Clark Kent, BojiBoy. I've had this plan ever since they canceled 'Baywatch!' Everyone knows the most beautiful women in the world live near Okoboji. Well, I'm here to take over. Okoboji is MINE now. I'm gonna turn this place into the biggest thing on TV since 'Cop Rock' and your gorgeous, corn-fed women are going to help me! 'Baywatch?' HA! You ain't seen NOTHING yet!"
BojiBoy's knees were shaking, but not from fear. It was darned cold out there! He took a step toward Hasselhoff and heard a cracking sound, which could only mean one thing...
BojiBoy put on his best sneer and cried out, "BOJIBOY SAID NOTHING WOULD STOP HIM FROM SAVING HIS PPL'S FROM THE EVIL HASSELHOFF AND BOJIBOY ALWAYS MEANS WHAT HE SAYS! NOTHING IS GUNNA STOP ME, NOT U BAYWATCH DUDE, NOR THE FACT THAT THIS ICE IS GUNNA GIVE WAY ANY MINUTE AND POSSIBLY SEND BOJIBOY TO THE BOTTOM OF THIS LAKE!"
With quick thinking, BojiBoy took his rope and tied one end around his waist. He made a loop at the other end and began to twirl it around in a circle with one hand with the expertise of a rodeo cowboy, and then he picked up the poster of Pamela Anderson and held it above his head. "PAMMIE'S GUNNA GO DOWN WITH BOJIBOY, WHAT DO U THINK OF THAT, HASSELHOFF?"
Hasselhoff, who, after living in Hawaii for so long, forgot about the dangers of thin ice and lunged at BojiBoy. BojiBoy threw the looped end of the rope and it encircled Hasselhoff's six-pack abs. BojiBoy pulled it tight just as the ice gave way with a huge CRACK...
Hasselhoff screamed, "Your time as the hero around these parts is OVER BojiBoy!"
BojiBoy fell to the ice. He remained calm even though he could feel the freezing waters trickling through the crack which made a terrible creaking sound as it continued to grow. It was spreading toward Hasselhoff!
BojiBoy smiled triumphantly, "LOOKS LIKE YOUR FIFTEEN MINUTES OF FAME ARE UP, BAYWATCH DUDE!"
BojiBoy flicked his wrist and the knot in the rope around Hasselhoff's abs broke free. "ALOHA, HASSELHOFF!"
The crack in the lake opened into a huge chasm and as Hasselhoff fell to his demise he screamed, "Don't let me die without Pammie, BojiBoy! I always had the hots for her! If she'd only stayed away from that Tommy Lee..." and he began to cry.
BojiBoy said, "HASSELHOFF... IT'S THE LEAST I CAN DO FOR U DUDE," and tossed the Pamela Anderson poster to Hasselhoff who went down with nary a gurgle.
But then... the crack grew again and BojiBoy began sliding toward it.
Suddenly he heard voices as his ppl's cried out, "Don't worry BojiBoy! We'll save you! Throw us the end of the rope!"
BojiBoy did so quickly, and his ppl's pulled him to shore.
Everyone cheered, "Hip, hip hooray!"
BojiBoy smiled and with tears in his eyes said, "BOJIBOY WOULD NEVER LET HIS PPL'S DOWN! HE HAS SAVED THEM FROM THE HORRIBLE HASSELHOFF AND OUR WOMEN R SAFE! LETS HEAR IT FOR OKOBOJI! HIP, HIP HOORAY! HIP, HIP HOORAY!"...
The locals would never forget this moment; not only did it become a story passed down for generations, but also a Tony Award winning play on Broadway and a major motion picture directed by Steven Spielberg.
|READER'S REVIEWS (1)
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"This is an interesting story. It's weird and silly but there's something going for it. I used to write stuff like this a while back- blatant satire with very little subtlety. It embarrasses me now but this particular piece is done so tongue-in-cheek that it's not so bad. You've clearly got an interesting sense of humour and it'd be a shame to waste that. I'm not sure I can say how this story could be made better, I think it's about as good as it can get, but I definitely think you should keep writing, and more like this. " -- S J Fletcher.
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© 2003 Paula Poland
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