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A short story about three friends.
AUTHOR'S E-MAIL ADDRESS
Deet-deet…deet-deet. SMS from Raj: hi M8, B ready @ 6. pizza then spiderman. that film gonna B wicked, already a smash hit! Naz is also coming. C U 2NITE.
The tea cup breaks into small pieces on the kitchen floor. “Hey!” screamed Johnny’s mum. “Watch where you're going. Your phone won't self-destruct if you don't read the message the second you receive it, you know”
“Oops. Sorry mum.”
“Let me guess, that text message is from Raj. He sends you one every five minutes. Are you guys going out tonight?”
“When are you gonna clean the garage?” she grumbled.
“Mum, I will tomorrow.”
“That’s what you said yesterday!”
“I mean it this time, promise.”
Twenty-four minutes late, Raj parks his car outside Johnny’s house. Beep…beep! Johnny comes running out the front door and jumps into the small red Ford with blacked out windows. Fairly old model with many dents and scratches on the body. On their way to the pizza restaurant, three very big guys in a very small car.
“Slow down mate,” Johnny moaned. “You're gonna to get us killed. I bet you don’t drive like this when your bitch is in this car.”
“Oi fuck you wanker! I am always driving like this ya bitch!”
“Eh easy Raj, easy, don’t get all mad now. That’s how fuckers on the road have accidents. They fight with their bitch, and then BANG!!! They crash into another fucker’s car. Demented rough drivers like you are a danger to all of us. You're a fucked up psycho on the road.”
“Hey! That’s enough children,” said Naseem. “We are here now, mmm yum, I can smell the juicy pizzas from here. I have starved myself allday for this. My mouth is watering.”
Raj parks the car behind the restaurant. This is a fairly big restaurant. Looks nice from the outside but not so pleasant inside. Tacky magnolia painted walls. Crammed with small square shaped tables and brown wooden chairs. Quite a popular restaurant, busy most days. Maybe because it is located in the heart of the town centre and the food is reasonable for its price.
“Table for three?” asked the waiter, as something he had to say, countless times, every day. Forcing a smile, the ones that look embarrassingly fake. Three waiters working tonight. They are all wearing red colour shirt uniforms. There is also a forth waiter who is wearing a blue colour shirt. Walking around the restaurant pretending to work.
Waiter: Hello, are you ready to order?
Johnny: No we're not, come back after five minutes. (Dumb fat waiter, we just came in.)
Waiter: (Dickhead, I’ll come back when I like.) OK, I’ll be back.
Fifteen minutes later.
Johnny: Oi mate, you took your time. Can we order some drinks.
Waiter: (Oi shit, you got a fucking problem with that.) Yes, what would you like to drink?
Johnny: Pepsi Max.
Waiter: Small, medium or large?
Waiter: (One piss flavoured Pepsi max coming up.) Can I take your food order?
Johnny: Yes, I wanna large deep pan cheese and tomato pizza with extra cheese. Two garlic breads. Oh! I want extra prawns. (This waiter looks like a retard. He better get my order right.)
Waiter: Alright. (Pizza with snotty prawns coming up.)
Johnny: We're in a hurry, so try to make it quick.
Waiter: (I think I am gonna deck this guy. Naa, better, I am gonna make it the filthiest pizza ever.) It will about twenty minutes. Thank you.
The sound of a broken plate echoes from the kitchen.
The waiter is putting their pizzas on the table. “Yum, mmm,” murmured Naseem. “They definitely need bigger tables here. How we gonna fit three large pizzas on this table.”
Johnny comes back, after using the toilets. “Don’t you just love it when you use the loos and come back to find the food has arrived, just on time, excellent.”
“Have ya washed,” said Raj.
Johnny looked at him. “What?”
“Or did ya just wipe and go” “No I don’t wipe. I wash and go, just like you do. Haa! Shampoo and blow dry your fucking anal beard every time you have a dump.”
“Don’t ya dare touch my pizza.”
“Fine! I am happy with that, as long as you don’t touch mine, asshole! What makes you think that I would pooh in this restaurant. Have you seen the toilets, eergh!”
“Ha! Ha!” Naseem laughed, “Hey do you mind, me trying to eat here.”
The time is seven fifty-nine. The restaurant is absolutely buzzing now. People are streaming in. The waiter in the blue shirt is trying to squeeze a few more people in. The overun waiters are still smiling away. No time for a five minute break they long for.
“Anyone for pudding, I could murder a chocolate fudge cake,” said Johnny.
“I wanna fudge cake too, yum,” said Vikram. “Oh no! Look at the time. We better forget desserts today, the film is on at half past eight. We should get the bill.”
“Shit! We better get a move on,” Raj looking at his wrist watch. “The waiters look very busy. Johnny put ya hand up man.”
“Are we in a school? Do I look like a fucking school kid?” muttered Johnny.
“Excuse me mate, could we have the bill please!” shouted Raj, keeping eye contact with the waiter walking close by. Balancing Budweiser bottles on a tray with his right hand and holding some cheap paper napkins with his left hand. The waiter frowns, “Yes Sir.”
The bill arrives after fifteen minutes. Naseem divides the bill into three. Tossing money on the bill tray. They walk out leaving the cash with tip on the table. The loaded threesome are physically struggling to get in the car now. Having had enough to eat and drink. The suspension just about supporting the body of the vehicle. The car is painfully struggling to move, like an aged horse pulling a carriage crammed with people. It is very dark outside now. The full Moon glowing in the black of the night. The car started to make crackling noises.
“Whats that noise,” said Naseem.
“Ya hearing things again innit.” Raj turns the radio on. “Shit! I better put me foot down.” Driving faster than necessary. Faster and faster, steering around a tight corner causing the tires to screech.
"You filthy bastard."
"What you girl's fighting about now?"
"Naz just puked all over me and your seat."
"WHAAAAT!!! Ya filthy bastards. Clean it up! That's my seat man."
Raj looks over his shoulder.
“Slow down!” shouted Johnny.
“Watch out!” ARGHHH!!!”
|READER'S REVIEWS (4)
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"Shittiest story I've ever read. Bad story, even worse ending. You should be ashamed of yourself. If I were you I'd just drive my piece o shit pinto (which would be all that I could afford in your position, having no education and still living in my parents besement at the age of 44.) and drive it off a cliff. preferably into sharp rocks (to make my death more intelligent than my life, again I am speaking of you.). Go fuck yourself Dickhead." -- FU, Baghdad, IRAQ, IRAQ.
"One word for this story "hilarious" I enjoyed reading this story because it is different and cleverly written." -- Simon Hill, Manchester, UK.
"Hmmm interesting. I did fail to see the humor in this piece " -- mattie.
"i don't get it..... :\" -- me.
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