Hothouse Lizzards Part 1 by D G Williford Voodoo, New Orleans, Spanish Moss, etc... all the things that everyone wants to read a... [2,641 words]
Flower Taboo by William S Patten Novice.... looking for feedback. [711 words]
Losing Mrs. Jefferson by Shelley J Alongi In 1782, Thomas Jefferson was summoned by Congress to serve in france as the new United S... [2,277 words]
Wheatley's Last Wish by Drakeman Robert Kincaide Continuation to previous entries. [3,119 words]
The Unloved Woman by Emmie Sinclair A sad tale about the life of a homeless person, people we often forget. [585 words]
The Leprechaun's Gift by Carrie Landes A short story about a girl and how a little leprechaun teaches her a lesson. [964 words]
The Horror Of Existence by Sunny Musings on a shitty moment in time. [573 words]
The Heart Behind The Shield by Sara Roggy There's a heart behind every lie, every temper, and every shield. [770 words]
Peggie by Robert Levin My chance to cross gross obesity from the list of body types I hadn't yet scored. [1,519 words]
Nothing's De Facto by Ben S D If your the type of person who hates stories with no eventual ending, then I sincerely apolo... [2,682 words]
Night In Antigua by D G Williford Part one of a slighted warrior bent on revenge towards his derelict father... [194 words]
Missing Pieces by Ian Goodall An unusual event happens aboard a space ship called the Basilisk. An engineer finds himself in a... [696 words]
Desk Lunch Part 6 by D G Williford Life goes on in the cubicle world... [136 words]
Desk Lunch Part 4 by D G Williford On the way to postal... [303 words]
Dear Stepdad by D G Williford A stepson realizes what it takes to be a caretaker. [256 words]
Cmon You Can Tell Me by Sunny Let's compare notes on our moms and dads... [523 words]
Desk Lunch Part 5 by D G Williford She has totally lost it, but you guess... [153 words]
Words.Enter.Head.Write.Something.Good. by J L Watts The story of someone who struggles to find anything decent to write. It'... [1,013 words]
Tunnel Vision by Gerald E Sheagren This story, my very latest, entitled "Tunnel Vision", deals with a man's uneasy relationship with... [7,587 words]
Tsp - Part Two by David B Doc Byron The hit is set up. [456 words]
Tsp Part Three by David B Doc Byron The hitman kills time while awaiting the big day. [506 words]
Tsp Part Four by David B Doc Byron The hitman decides to go through with it. [272 words]
Tsp - Part Five by David B Doc Byron The moment finally arrives. [515 words]
Tsp - Interlude by David B Doc Byron See if you can make the connection. [143 words]
Tsp - Epilogue by David B Doc Byron The hitman is still haunted by his past. [399 words]
The Running by David B Doc Byron A man left alone after a holocaust reflects back on his former life. [437 words]
The Pursuit by J L Watts A dark story that I'd like feedback on concerning the twists and vampire elements. My darkest work ... [1,877 words]
The Messiah by David B Doc Byron A small town youth grows up to be the anti-christ. [331 words]
The 2nd Party - Part 0ne by David B Doc Byron An ex-hitman reflects back on the job that changed his life forever. [295 words]
Sweet Revenge by Ashley Mowery Story of lust, romance, and revenge. [498 words]
Quiet by Christopher Syrett - [217 words]
No Hesitation by Amelia R James ‘I don’t care how it gets done. I just want it done and I want it done now! Am I clear?’ said th... [3,628 words]
Moses And The Parting Of The Red Sea by Rowan Davies A story adapted from the greatest work of fiction ever written. I would se... [796 words]
Jesus Christ Superslacker
Getting Gas by Ashley Mowery A young girl questioned her boyfriends commitment to her. As a result, she finds herself in a terri... [318 words]
From Riches To Rags by Nicole Mowery She lived in a well to do neighborhood with well respected parents. Her life couldn't have ... [1,827 words]
Desk Lunch Part 3 by D G Williford The sales rep continues with her day... [314 words]
Desk Lunch Part 2 by D G Williford The same but more.... [346 words]
Desk Lunch Part 1 by D G Williford A middle aged sales rep deals with the confines of her life. [390 words]
City Of The Dead by David B Doc Byron The original story that inspired the poem ''Book of the dead.'' [407 words]
A Rural Tragedy by Nik Siromah - [986 words]
A Spontaneous Arrival Of Exalted Fancy by Bob M Ra - [908 words]
Variation On A Theme In The Key Of - Part Ii by Erik Sjoen - [5,231 words]
The Wooden Box by D G Williford Lesson in shared grief through an antique box. [509 words]
The Optimist Club by David B Doc Byron Its a surprise. [395 words]
The Locket by D G Williford You tell me.... Please read and review... feel free to comment! [880 words]
The Killing Ground by Gerald E Sheagren A short story. [2,196 words]
The Keepsake by D G Williford Love Story... read and review... come one come all! [837 words]
The Extraordinary Stillness by Bob M Ra - [547 words]
The Eland by Martin Glenpool A story of a young khoi-san boy's coming-of age. [637 words]
Rooms Ana Houses Of Haunting by Serepx A story bout the ghosts of a forgotten past. [2,967 words]
Queenie Takes The Match by Gerald E Sheagren This story is set in 1903 New York City, which, by far, was a lot more dangerous place ... [3,828 words]
People Are Talking by Erik Sjoen - [1,161 words]
Mist Walkers by D G Williford How I feel every time I visit a new cemetary... [112 words]
Malaise by B C Mercer The tale of a troubled and depressed young man. [1,408 words]
Joe And The Woman by Elicia Marie Berg A narrative of a romantic relationship. [1,245 words]
Heaven Or Hell by B C Mercer A Reverend encounters events he never dreamed would happen to him and his family. He questions ... [5,708 words]
Destiny's Fate by B C Mercer An inspirational revelation of two young lovers in a foreign land. [1,699 words]
Crash by Matthew Mohan A short "out-n-back" story involving a teenager's struggle with responsibility, action, alcohol, and wait... [4,243 words]
Big Hit At The Lone Wolf by Gerald E Sheagren Having the two largest and most profitable casinos located in Connecticut, I often hea... [2,333 words]
At Nite With Liv by Serepx A short story about a girl with intense bloo eyes. [3,674 words]
A Crown Hath Promised by Keri McGriff - [156 words]
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TITLE (EDIT)
Jesus Christ Superslacker |
DESCRIPTION
The happy work of a contented atheist.
[686 words] |
TITLE KEYWORD
Humor |
AUTHOR
Rowan Davies |
ABOUT
THE AUTHOR
I kick arse for the Lord.
[December 2005] |
AUTHOR'S OTHER TITLES (19)
A Dragon Is To Eat, Not Just For Christmas (Short Stories) This story is poo. [680 words] [Comedy]
Attempted Suicide (Poetry) NB: Don't read this if you're suicidal. In fact you probably shouldn't read it if you're a fan of good poetry either, but what the hell, I've seen and written worse on this site. [143 words] [Relationships]
Bloody Retribution (Short Stories) A man avenges the death of his father. [493 words] [Horror]
Celebrating Life (Short Stories) A collection of stories through the viewpoints of different people that interlink to show how the lives of others can be affected by our seemingly insignificant actions. [6,755 words]
Colin Makes His Hit (Short Stories) Colin takes advantage of the new Peoples' Licence to Kill legislation. [1,165 words] [Horror]
Daddy Ain't No Man No More (Poetry) Figure it out. [99 words] [Comedy]
Death Of A Friend: Chapter 1 (Novels) Really need some technical crit on this! A man discovers the death of a forgotten friend and becomes far more involved than he could have possibly imagined. [1,930 words] [Relationships]
... Die By The Sword (Short Stories) Victor loves TV... His obsession with a certain cop show gets him in more trouble than he could possibly imagine. [2,335 words] [Suspense]
Final Words (Poetry) Hung up? Me? Never. [110 words] [Relationships]
Girl In The Rain (Short Stories) We always think of ourselves as individuals, until we notice that there are other individuals just like us. [505 words] [Nature]
Heart Of Gold (Poetry) I reeled this off about the 'Plainfield Psycho' Ed Gein in preparation for my next story. Enjoy. [428 words] [Horror]
Man, Ape And The Rather Large Boulder (Short Stories) Longer! Funnier! Un-cut! This is a beautiful story of one man and his monkey friend and some druids who, incidentally are naked and some small, brown furry creatures. Did I say monkey?! I meant Ape! P... [3,037 words] [Comedy]
Moses And The Parting Of The Red Sea (Short Stories) A story adapted from the greatest work of fiction ever written. I would seriously advise against any devout Christians actually reading this. That's not an apology, it's merely a warning. [796 words] [Humor]
Mother Earth (Nae) (Short Stories) On a dark afternoon in the dead of winter, one tired old lady looks down upon the world and thinks: That’s it. This is too much. They’ve all got the wrong idea. And she sets about destroying the ones ... [351 words] [Spiritual]
Slug Jam For Grown-Ups (Short Stories) Jessica is a perfect, pretty fourteen year old girl. After years of over-protection from her parents, she seeks the help of a friend. And then things begin to change... [5,502 words] [Horror]
St Valentine's Curse (Poetry) Love is weird. [144 words] [Romance]
The St Francis Dam Disaster (Short Stories) A story conjured from the greatest American civil engineering failure of the Twentieth Century in which around 500 people were killed. [1,993 words] [History]
The Story Of Trading (Featuring Man And Ape) (Short Stories) 'Tis a humourous tale of the begins of trade. Ape knows the key to saving Man's life, and unfortunately Man has to trust him. The trade that starts their friendship is also their downfall. [1,609 words] [Comedy]
Thoughtless Crime (Poetry) Another Ed Gein (The Plainfield Psycho) related poem. Well, no one reads my stuff unless it's got death in it. Perhaps I'll get a collection going. [155 words] [Horror]
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Jesus Christ Superslacker
Rowan Davies
Meeting God in heaven had never been on Tim’s ‘to do’ list and, unlike most people who use that particular term of speech carelessly, he had actually made one in his life. When the meeting surprisingly did occur however, it didn’t go particularly smoothly at first. After initially mistaking the Almighty for his lifelong idol, Albert Einstein, he then instantly proceeded into a confused rambling.
‘I’m sorry, it’s the moustache, I just thought it was smaller. Is this a dream? Socrates, right?’
The old man looked drawn and pale. Long white hair flowed around his lips and from his head, rolling over onto a pristine white suit. Behind him stood two gates that glistened and sparkled in the light, making everything that Tim had previously thought of as perfect or beautiful fade away into insignificance. It was all so right, even the old man’s Bugs Bunny tie somehow complimented the scene.
‘No, dear friend, I am God, the Almighty. Welcome to the Pearly Gates of Heaven.’ His voice was slow and booming, everything Tim had come to expect from the single creator of the entire world, an idea he had shunned all of his life. It had simply seemed so ridiculous.
‘Sorry, Erm, you’ll understand if I seem a bit put out, it’s just that – well – I can’t say that I’ve ever really believed in your existence. That’s not to say I didn’t want to of course, it’s really just not that easy when you’re actually down there on the planet.’
God’s face was one of utter confusion, the kind an old man might have pulled on forgetting the whereabouts of his false teeth before bedtime.
‘What on Earth do you mean, dear boy?’ He smirked slightly at the pun before appearing slightly miffed. ‘How much will it take to convince you people that I’m really up here? Admittedly, it’s been a long time since I myself have actually done anything, but still –.’
‘I – I guess it’s just a question of perspective.’ Tim was floundering a bit, finding it hard not to stutter and stumble through his sentences when every emotion was being conjured within him. He was talking to God after all.
‘Perspective? What’s perspective got to do with it? When I say I haven’t done anything recently, I mean I’ve had no need to. That’s why I sent Jehovah down there. Don’t you read your history books, boy? He’s my son, I sent him to Earth to control and educate your kind on such matters as my existence.’
‘Ah – Yes, but that was years ago. He –’
‘Precisely my point, Mr, er –’
‘Tim – just … Tim’
‘Well, Mr Tim, as I was saying, I think you’ve had long enough to learn about me. He’s been down there more than two-thousand years sorting you lot out for heaven’s sake. You should all be avid believers of my godly prowess by now.’
Christ, thought Tim, the Lord Almighty is addressing me personally. This really takes the biscuit.
‘But God, erm, Sir, we’re –’ Get your perspectives right, Tim. ‘They’re all still awaiting the second coming.’
‘What? After all the trouble I went through the first time, you lot want another? Isn’t one messiah enough? My dear boy, Impregnating virgins isn’t as easy’ He hesitated slightly. ‘or as fun as it may sound, especially from all the way up here.’
‘No, Sir, what I mean to say is that he left us all those centuries ago and, for most of us, neither our memories nor our individual lifespans really allow us to believe in such things anymore.’ Tim didn’t dare suggest that it might have been a major design flaw on the creator’s part. ‘Nowadays the belief has pretty much –’ Tim stopped. God’s eyes had glazed over a couple of seconds back.
‘Left you? Centuries ago?’ Realisation seemed to be spreading across his pasty face. Then it hit him. ‘That – little – bastard. I knew I should never have lent him the car.’
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READER'S REVIEWS (4)
DISCLAIMER: STORYMANIA DOES NOT PROVIDE AND IS NOT RESPONSIBLE FOR REVIEWS. ALL REVIEWS ARE PROVIDED BY NON-ASSOCIATED VISITORS, REGARDLESS OF THE WAY THEY CALL THEMSELVES.
"Wow! i just gotta say wow! this is extraordinary. i love it. it's the first time i'm reading a story where as god exsist as a talking person. i watched movies about this but i never read about it before.it's great. i like dthe way you discribed god as being an old man.it's kind off mysterious and i think there should be more to it. oh well--excellent work!" -- lori-ann.
"He he, first time i have heard of a Bugs Bunny Tie complimenting a scene. That's a very good story, i do like it!" -- Pingu, bristol.
"Oh boy, someone's gonna be waiting for you up there:) This was very clever, nice work." -- Just A Guy.
"Funny, Tim was the average joe whose questions were just what anyone would have posed to a bugs bunny tie wearing God. Of course, the idea could be worked on a little, but its a great little convo." -- Jack Brown.
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COPYRIGHT NOTICE
© 2003 Rowan Davies |
STORYMANIA PUBLICATION DATE
May 2003 |
NUMBER OF TIMES TITLE VIEWED
2299
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