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TITLE (EDIT)
Newsworthy |
DESCRIPTION
A short story.
[1,459 words] |
AUTHOR
Vyacheslav Yampolsky |
ABOUT
THE AUTHOR
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[January 2003] |
AUTHOR'S OTHER TITLES (3)
A Sequence Of Events That Although Accidental Seems To Have Been Planned Or Arranged. (Poetry) - [3 words]
Dilated (Poetry) A very short syllabic poem I wrote a while back. [8 words]
The World Can Be A Dangerous Place (Short Stories) A weird little story, about nothing, or everything. You decide. [707 words] [Comedy]
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Newsworthy
Vyacheslav Yampolsky
Bittersweet Medicine
The pharmacy was a pretty small one; it had a few isles of different kinds of nonprescription medicine stocked with everything from Advil to vitamins. The sound of a flickering florescent light was one of the two heard throughout the place, the other was the sound of an old man bickering to the pharmacist. "What do mean I have to wait fifteen minutes for diabetes pills? I remember when was just a boy, I had to walk ten miles in the snow just to get to the pharmacist, and they weren’t as lazy as you no good kids today, they took your prescription and made your medicine right away because they knew you had to go fifteen miles in the snow without any shoes to get back home." said the old man.
"I’m sorry Mr. Bulsnif," said the pharmacist "but it takes time to fill your prescription, and besides you no longer have to walk… What was it?"
"Seventeen." said Mr. Bulsnif.
"Yes, seventeen miles in the snow to get to and from anywhere these days." The old man, with a disgusted look on his face, sat down in a chair, took off his scraggly jacket, and scratched his chin, which was desperately in need of a shave.
"Here you are Mr. Bulsnif." went the voice of the pharmacist.
"What took you so goddamn long?" asked the old man.
"What are you talking about sir?"
"It took you eighteen goddamn minutes to get my pills when you said it would take fifteen, now give’em here." The pharmacist handed the pills to Mr. Bulsnif, who quickly opened the container and popped four or five pills in his mouth. "Hey, these taste sweet, my pills always tasted bitter, you didn’t slip me none of those placebos did you? What are trying to do kill me with your sugar pills? For Christ’s sake I’m a diabetic! " said the now startled Mr. Bulsnif.
"I assure you sir that those are diabetes pills, we just ran out of the kind that your doctor prescribed so we used an alternative." Just the Father Joseph walked in and handed his prescription to the pharmacist. The pharmacist quickly ran to the back while Mr. Bulsnif walked out of the pharmacy grumbling about cats or something.
Five minutes later the pharmacist came out of the back room with Father Joseph’s medicine in his hand. "Thank you Father," he said, and handed the priest his pills while snickering.
"Oh haven’t done anything my son, now may I ask you what’s so funny?" asked the priest.
"It’s nothing Father, it’s just that I remembered a very funny joke," said the pharmacist.
"May I hear it?" asked Father Joseph.
"Father if I told you this joke you’d probably pass out because it’s so obscene."
"Ok then my son, I must be going to give my sermon at the church. Good day to you and may Christ be with you." said the priest. As he was walking out he opened the container containing his medicine and saw something really odd, this was the first time that his "Valium" pills were colored blue, they almost looked like those "Viagra" pills he’d seen in a commercial once but never knew what they were for. He didn’t think twice about it, he stepped out of the pharmacy and headed towards the church.
An Unusual Chess Match at the Church
There was nothing at all special about the church. For a church it was quite average. The floor was tiled with very large alternating black and white tiles, and it almost looked like somebody was trying to play a game of chess using life-size pieces, on one side stood the podium and a statue of Mary Magdalene and on the other side a statue of Jesus next to the Virgin Mary. Since most people sat in the front next to the podium, it looked like the forces of the priest and Mary Magdalene were coming to slaughter those of Jesus and Mary, who had almost nobody sitting next to them. Rows and rows of pews stood on top of the tile with a bible in front of every seat. Little paintings describing the story of Jesus and the Crucifixion were seen on the walls of the church. There were a few stained-glass windows here and there with a huge one depicting Jesus bleeding the Cross as the centerpiece of the windows for everyone to see.
Two little boys, Michael and Judah, were playing a game of Hide-and-Seek, it was Michael’s turn to hide, he had found the perfect hiding place, and now all he had to do is wait to Judah to come and find him…
…he fell asleep.
Father Joseph had entered the church and everyone quieted down and took their seats. Father Joseph was wearing his priestly garb and black polished shoes. He stood tall and proud, even though he was rubbing his temples with his hand. Everybody knew that Father Joseph was prone to severe migraines and took very strong prescription pills, which almost always knocked him out, causing him to end the service early.
Father Joseph reached the podium, opened the Bible, and popped one of those strangely colored pills in his mouth. Just then Mr. Bulsnif had entered the church cursing that his blood sugar wasn’t getting any lower and popping small round pills into his mouth by the handful.
"Mr. Bulsnif will you please be quiet and sit down so that I can begin my sermon." Ordered the priest.
"Sorry Father," the old man said while he took an empty seat in the front.
"Ok, now lets begin," said Father Joseph. "Today’s sermon is about sinning and Satan." He noticed that his migraine was getting bigger and popped another pill into his mouth. "Now you all know how easy it is to sin," said the priest. He began to feel a strange sensation down below his waist, one that he hadn’t felt in years. He decided to ignore it and cursed himself for not going to the bathroom beforehand. "Satan is everywhere doing the best he can to make you break one of God’s commandments. He may not have BONY red horns. His tail will not be ERECT behind his back, but hidden inside his pants. He will not have a long stiff pitchfork with little PRICKS on the tips of it. No, he can be any DICK and Jane you meet urging you to commit the crime, to break the rules so he can feel like the COCK-of-the-walk when he watches you suffer in Hell." His pants grew tighter and tighter. His manhood was pushing up against his pants making it look like somebody had set up a tent there. The pain was unbearable, he unzipped his fly and let it out, *It’s hidden by the podium nobody will be able to see it anyway, and when the sermon is over I can hide it again* he thought.
Just as he was about to speak again he heard a voice shout out "OH MY GOD, MR. BULSNIF IS DEAD!!!!" he looked over and saw that Mr. Bulsnif had passed out and didn’t look too great either, for his face was so pale it was almost white as snow.
"DON’T JUST STAND THERE FATHER, HELP HIM, PRAY WITH HIM OR SOMETHING." said someone else. Forgetting about what was going on below his belt Father Joseph had stepped out from behind the podium
Michael, who was soundly sleeping inside the podium, had been woken up by all of the commotion and rolled out from behind the podium.
From the back of the room the statues of Jesus and Mary stood there watching, as the priest came out from behind the podium with his penis erect, hanging out of his pants and saw little Michael roll out from the podium behind him and knew that they had won the game.
An Even Crazier Ending For This Crazy Story, or The Wild Card
The pharmacist looked up from the T.V. screen with a smile on his face; it had turned out better he had expected. Outside he heard sirens approaching and quickly ran out the pharmacy door and headed for…
…The church was in chaos. Three men were holding Father Joseph down, while a group of people were questioning poor little Michael, who now was probably traumatized for the rest of his life, but never listening to his responses only shouting comments in the direction of the priest like, "YOU SICK BASTARD I HOPE THEY USE THE ELECTRIC CHAIR ON YOU FOR WHAT YOU HAVE DONE TO THIS POOR LITTLE BOY!!!!!!!"
Then suddenly the door flew open and standing there was the pharmacist, "Smile." he said, "You’re all going to be on my new reality T.V. show called: "Practical Jokes in the Worst Case Scenario."
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READER'S REVIEWS (2)
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"Nice job, I got some laughs out of it. You might proofread a little more though, there were a couple of typos. Overall, it was a great read!" -- Clint Stutts.
"don't bad...Sorry I didn't review before but your stuff was posted before I arrvied!" -- e. rocco caldwell.
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COPYRIGHT NOTICE
© 2003 Vyacheslav Yampolsky |
STORYMANIA PUBLICATION DATE
January 2003 |
NUMBER OF TIMES TITLE VIEWED
2269
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