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Ellen And Aubery
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Ellen And Aubery
[1,555 words]
David Gardiner
53-year-old former Belfast schoolteacher, satellite TV techie, Utopian dreamer, traveler, armchair anarchist, keen amateur diver, now working in the field of mental health. Living with partner and adopted 19-year-old daughter in London, UK. One published sci fi novel "SIRAT". Many short stories, different styles & subjects.
[April 2012]
[email protected]
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"Pure Class 9/10. From the first sentence I was hooked on this. wonderful writing and great charaterisation. I have two problems with it though, one minor and one a bit bigger. The first is the lisp thing, did he have a lisp? or did he have problems with the letter 'R'? or did he have both? If it isn't both I'd change the word 'lisp' to speech imprediment. See how I'm having to nit pick to find fault? The other problem is one that I'll be interested to find out what other readers think. there's one part that doesn't work for me. After the second fight, how they all carry on living together in the flat. I know it's a whole part of the weird inter-mingled threesome .. BUT. I don't think it's realistic. Aubs has a temper okay he's a bully who won't stand up to big male people but he's still temperamental. I don't think he'd just meekly melt into the backgroud and put up with the new situation. for me it would work better if they moved out immediately, and Aubrey found 'excuses' to come round and torment her. As I said earlier I hope other people comment on this because I'd like to see if they think that part is believeable. For me that lost you one point, other than that fantastic. Your writing commands attention. I know once before you said I shouldn't fawn and be in awe of you, but I do think you are a very 'domineering' writer. you take no prisoners and command attention. I love your stories. " -- Sooz, Dalton, England, Cumbria.
"I found this story to be absolutely believable, but perhaps that's only because it so closely mirrors an experience I had. Yes, Sooz, situations like that really do occur, it adds to the imperfection of real life. No act of kindness ever goes unpunished; nice guys finish last; choose your own cliche. Fortunately I'm still enough of a die-hard romantic to see the beauty in those few shared moments. In my dreams, the Aubreys don't always get the girl; but then, that's what dreams are for. I'm almost on a rant, so I shall shut-up now. Anyway Dave, another well written piece. I'm quite certain the next story I read will be great too." -- AJ Magy, Sfld, MI, US.
"This was another well written story but I'd have to agree with Sooz.I feel it would've been a better story if there were more interaction between David and Aubrey.How about a fist fight? Then again, perhaps you don't like to interject violence into your stories.But all in all this story was a good read and you are very talented. " -- David Daniels.
"Many thanks for your kind remarks David. It's literally years since I have visited Storyshed, and this story has in the meantime been incorporated in my first published collection "The Rainbow Man and Other Stories". The truth is, this story is almost entirely autobiographical, and although like Sooz I didn't really expect Aubery to take it the way he did it was what actually happened. To be honest I don't think the fist fight would add to the story, it's really a psychological study, but I agree that more interaction between the two male characters might have improved it. I wrote it in a slightly longer form originally but then cut it down to use it as a competition entry. I prefer the shorter version myself. It's still one of my own favourites of my own efforts. Many thanks again for reading and commenting." -- David Gardiner, London, England.


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© 2002 David Gardiner
July 2002

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