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Hey everyone. This is my second story here, and this is the start of my collection of short horror stories. It's about cannibalism, and any more I say will give it away. Just read it, and bloody rate it as well! [6,581 words]
AUTHOR'S OTHER TITLES (2) Last Night (Short Stories) It's a story about the last day of Earth before it is destroyed by a meteor, and what one little boy does on his last day on Earth. Please read it, I hope you'll like it. [2,774 words] Venge (Short Stories) Kill a spider and have bad luck. How bad is bad luck? You forget your homework? You lose a fiver? You get beaten up? If you thought bad luck was tame then think again. Who would have thought the p... [5,590 words] [Horror]
READER'S REVIEWS (2) DISCLAIMER: STORYMANIA DOES NOT PROVIDE AND IS NOT RESPONSIBLE FOR REVIEWS. ALL REVIEWS ARE PROVIDED BY NON-ASSOCIATED VISITORS, REGARDLESS OF THE WAY THEY CALL THEMSELVES.
"Holy shit man! What ever happened to friends forever god and im drinking a pepsi too i think im goin to be sick. ....but it's a super good story!!! i rate it a nine out of ten. keep up making people feel sick!" -- Sarah.
"I'd first like to say that I'm highly resistant to this newly instated rating system, because it gives the author very little, if any, indication of the work's strengths and weaknesses as perceived by the reviewer. Without knowing the administration's reasons for having created it, I am led to believe it was to give the reader a lazy way to review, but as I said it is pointless to do a poll, because these are stories/articles, and not tax levies. Better not to review at all than to say someone's story is a 5. Now as for the story "Sweet Tooth." Assuming that you are British, many British spellings won't work in the international market. I'd suggest retyping all your "apologise"s as "apologize"s, "recognise"s as "recognize"s, "vandalised" as "vandalized," "paralysed" as "paralized". Also, if you're eager for publication outside the UK, then don't confuse your quote marks and quotation marks. Quotation marks "", surround dialogue, and within dialogue, where a speech fragment is being quoted, then you use the quote marks ''. As for misspellings: "permanant" change to "permanent." 'Lets go in then, eh?' He continued. (Who does this line go to? I believe it is Janet, but it doesn't say, and if it is Daniel then why is the sentence not on the same line as the last words that he just spoke, and why would he be talking to himself anyway?) Now as for exposition:Yet she never seemed to attract any men, no matter how nice, rich or powerful. (Now here is a line that makes no sense. What it seems to be saying is: Despite all her attractive qualities she couldn't attract any men because of their attractive qualities. Are you trying to say that opposites attract, or in this case similars repel? Or did you just miss the point of what you were saying?). The stranger explained that he was not watching where he was going because his mother had recently passed away, and so he was understandably somewhat distracted with thoughts of his mother. Janet offered her condolences, and they were met warmly by the man, who then informed her that his name was Daniel. Daniel suggested that Janet come back to his house, purely to give her somewhere to dry herself off and get a warm drink down her throat, and possibly he could give her a lift home (Technically there's nothing wrong with this narrative summary, and two centuries ago an editor wouldn't have given it a second thought, but to be honest your writing for a readership that is dead. Narrative summary has its place, especially when making story transistions, but you never want to use a word more of it than you have to because the modern reader likes to see the action before him, and not have it happen somewhere off-stage. In this scene, if the exposition about Daniel not paying attention was important enough for you to have said anything in the first place, then I think it'd be worthwhile to show that action rather than to tell the reader that there was an action.) What you did right: The characters are very well drawn out, and you can actually care about Janet, and you do have a good use of suspense within the story. Upon first contact with Daniel, Janet seems somewhat dim, especially when you espouse: He seemed to mean well, and didn't appear very sinister, so Janet was confident that she could trust him. (If he's not "completely" sinister, then he must be alright). This isn't a failing of the exposition, but a strength of it, because the writer's intent is to make the character Janet appear somewhat dim, at least in this scene, also in the bar scene, if she believed that "water" was going to stain most clothing, then she is somewhat lax in the intellect department. You did a good job of illustrating her as such, and it explains why she'd go to a complete stranger's apartment, because it certainly wouldn't be because she's just lonely, no she's just dumb. " -- JA St.George.
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