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Fat Lazy Bitch
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The Ironic Side Step
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Fat Lazy Bitch
A monologue commenting on the nation's obsession with fitness.
I'm a 30 year old woman who works in a television station. My other interests include acting, drawing, and art.
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|AUTHOR'S OTHER TITLES (2)
Feng Shui Movers (Short Stories) My short story involves a reluctant heroine who hides behind new age philosophy instead of taking risks. This story combines the ancient Chinese art of Feng Shui with the age old practice of adultery... [1,922 words] [Humor]
The Pajama Chronicles (Plays) A ten minute play. Joan Randall executive producer at Edge a television station that plays all reality shows all the time. She makes a rash decison to quit. She envisions other possible career moves... [2,980 words]
Fat Lazy Bitch
Look at me! I’m a fat lazy bitch. I hate skinny women. They shop at stores like the Gap. Who the hell fits into a size two? I hear them complain about gaining weight. They complain about going from a size six to a size eight. Me, I never wore a size eight. I wear sizes like eighteen through twenty-eight. When you shop in the plus section, then you have a lot to complain about. Because fashion designers assume that if you’re fat, you’re also color- blind and should dress like a clown.
I am a fat lazy bitch. Did you ever notice that the first three letters in the word diet are DIE, that’s because you starve and punish yourself with physical torture called exercise. But I tried every diet Cabbage Soup, Atkins, Weight Watchers, you name the diet, I tried it.
A few years ago I started seeing a nutritonist because I had health problems, high blood pressure, diabetes, bad cholesterol. Not to mention that I was so obese that I made Dolores Price in Wally Lamb’s novel She’s come undone look like Twiggy.
With the help of my thin marathon running nutritonist, I just started eating healthy and lost weight. Then the lean ultra-fit nutritionist tells me that I have to exercise. Shit! I hate exercise with a passion. In High school I skipped gym to go to Burger King or Mickey D’s
I started by walking because almost everyone can walk. I fell and ended up with a sprained ankle and need months of rehab for the ankle- not drugs. Then I joined a gym but the muscle built steroids heads gave me migraines by yelling things like “Feel the burn.” “Push it”, and “Get in the zone”. What the hell does that mean anyway? So I went the lazy route. I bought a little trampoline from Sears for twenty-five bucks. I set it up in front of the TV. Every morning I worked out on the trampoline from forty-five minutes, ok ten minutes.
The last time I saw my perky slender nutritionist, she told me that the latest exercise craze is no longer kickboxing, spinning, or yoga. It’s the trampoline. Only now the fitness experts are calling the trampolines rebounders. What a stupid name. It sounds like someone that’s constantly getting over a bad relationship. Well isn’t that everyone. Anyway the rebounder costs hundreds of dollars and they also make sneakers with springs so you can always have that bouncy effect. Apparently, these rebounders and great for low impact activity. They help your bones. I don’t know how that works. And by working out on a rebounder for ten minutes a day, you can burn like zillion calories. So now this fat lazy bitch is on the cutting edge of the latest fitness trend. Jane Fonda can kiss my ass.
|READER'S REVIEWS (13)
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"I think that this poem speaks so much, with just the right amount of sarcasm. I really like it!" -- Gina , Belgrade, MT, USA.
"nice diatribe....go fat lazy bytch." -- sunny.
"Cliche, obnoxious, makes me want to excersize. Please don't litter." -- Werner, Cede, Pocoto, UT.
"Funny i really enjoyed reading it!" -- Kaley.
"I liked it. Richard Simmons is worthless." -- R. Bennett Okerstrom.
"Wonderful Style... you should write a one woman show for the stage. Shoot for a one and a half hour venue and knock em'dead. P.S. You couldn't have wished for a better title ! Love your work' babe, best wishes !" -- Deron Turner, Savannah, USA, Ga.
"This was very funny. I liked the get in the zone line, lol. I'm sure everybody wishes they could get in the zone. " -- Steven T.
"good fun reading. enjoyed and empathised! keep writing" -- Avis, Mumbai, India.
"ever do standup...you could!" -- Brian O Neil.
"no fat chicks!!!!" -- skinny dude.
"Oh my gosh that was fricken halarious but true, I mean I am not fat but I am not skinny but you always hear them anorexic chicks whining about gaining wait! Heu skinny dude, most girls like a lil meat on there guys not skin and bones..." -- Jordan.
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© 2002 Kelly Moran
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