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Smith & Ronalds: The Shawdow In The Alley
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Smith & Ronalds: The Shawdow In The Alley
My second re-post. It is the second volume in my sereie. It ounce again takes place at S3 of the Bloomington Police Department. Dave and Trev ounce again team with Dr. Hector Stone to track down a killer that has hit close to home.
[5,969 words]
Patrick Collins
I am a 15 year old writer from Indianapolis, Indiana. I write poems, books, and songs. But my greatest passion is for film. My intrests range from Harry Potter, to Tarantino, to Billy Joel. I hope every one enjoys my work!
[February 2005]
As The Stars Streak By (Poetry) I A poem that is in my new book "BPD: Danger Rising". I figured I would post it by itself to see what people thought of it. Enjoy! [64 words] [Spiritual]
Bpd: Danger Rising-Part 1 (Novels) This is the fifth book in the series that used to go by the name of "Smith & Ronalds". I changed it becuase other characters are playing a bigger role in the story than before. The story picks up righ... [6,876 words]
Depth (Poetry) A poem about trying to find out who you are and what you place in the world is, an eternal struggle that we all face. [145 words]
Light And Dark (Poetry) A peom about my greatest love: cinema. This poem is a celebration of the world of film. I hope you like it! [170 words]
On And Offf (Poetry) A poem about confusion and distress, and the struggle to overcome it. [180 words]
Significance-First Draft (Screenplays) The first draft of my script. It is the simple story of a teenage girl on a soccer team. May seem boring, but my sole mission in my sripts are to make stories that are almost completetley devoid of cl... [9,272 words] [Drama]
Smith & Ronalds: A Time Of Change (Novels) The third entry in the Smith & Ronalds series. It focuses on the 1996 presidental election. Hector, Trev, Dave, Carrie, and Cedric all have to cope with the dargerous side-effects of politics. [5,620 words] [Drama]
Smith & Ronalds: The Murder Of The Prisoners (Novels) The first story in my series. It is the story of two detectives who team with a Hematologist to stop a mysterious vigilante on the lose in Indiana. [9,467 words] [Crime]
Smith & Ronalds-Origins & Conclusions (Novels) The fourth volume in my sereis, and the last one to go by 'Smith & Ronalds'. The story is as follows: Detectives Trevor E. Smith and David Ronalds team ounce again with Carrie B. Moss and Cedric Madis... [10,812 words] [Drama]
The Immortal Seed (Poetry) A poem about something that we all have within us, and something that aides us more then anything else. [149 words]
The Round Dams (Poetry) A poem about concealed sadness and the reluctance to let it free. [171 words]
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Winter To Spring (Poetry) A poem about hope, and the eduring power of the human spirit. [161 words]

"is that an actual place--Indianapolice? I've heard of Indianapolis but not the town you live in. How far is it was Indianapolis? I was a little more interested in this story because I wanted to know who was killing people in such a ugly way. It spoke of a vampire and the fact the mad man used bats was a neat twist. I didn't feel anything for your character because you don't take time to develop them. Have them in relationships with spouses or if their caring fathers or mothers. They are these cardboard names you use to help your story about. The secret of a novel is to get the reader interested in your characters and than place them in situations. " -- e. rocco caldwell.
"My profile is supposed to be mispelled. The word 'Police' ws hidden there, I was going to see if anybody noticed. I live in 'Indianapolis'." -- collins, in, in, us.
"I didn' have a very good understanding of character writing at the time, but I have worked to improve that. A few characters are directly based on people I know (notablt Carrie and Ella), and Trevor is also a sort of 'composite charactor' if you will, of real people that I know. I try to give them trademarks abit (like Trevors clothing and Carries mouth), but I have learned that dialouge is importent to establishing characors. IA Time of Change is really a turning point in the series, now the story will focus more on the charactors. Are you the same person who did my other book 'Origins & Conclusions' with a different name?" -- collins, in, in, us.
"My advise is to lump all of the books into one novel and use the different mishaps as character building. Homocide: life on the street is a composite of stories or murders in the Baltimore area. You should read it it might help you out" -- e. rocco caldwell.
"Ok, Collins. Here's my critique of your second entry in the Smith's and Ronald's series. I hope that you find the following critique helpful. Here goes: "He did not wont to sound rude." That should read, 'He did not want to sound rude.' "Sean then noticed that the man was no ware in sight." That should read, 'nowhere in sight.' "Dawn: small, yet beautiful green hills were surrounding a long black box, with gold hinges, many people in black surround it..." That should read, 'many people in black surrounded it...' "...after the funeral an autopsy was made on the body..." This stands out because I was under the impression that they perform autopsies before the funeral. Just think about it for a second: are they going to dig the body up after it has been buried and then perform an autopsy? "...the days went by, finally, it came to Friday, then they all met up..." This should be a stand alone sentence and not a continuation of the previous one. "...but when he fell out of the car he was now are in sight?" The word 'are' should be removed from the sentence. "they stopped at a holiday inn..." Shouldn't 'holiday inn' be capitalized? "That night they managed to get a nice room or the three of them." The word 'or' should be replaced with the word 'for.' "they laughed at them." The 't' in 'they' should be capitalized. "The next they went to Sean’s house," That should read, 'The next day they went to Shawn's house.' "And with that they went to sleep, the next they awoke very energized," That should read, 'the next day they awoke very energized...' "they went down stares..." That should read, 'they went downstairs...' "the large waterfall at Silver Town Bar & Grill seemed to pour ten time more powerfully than ever Trev, Dave, and Hector had seen." That should read, 'ten times more powerfully...' "He new both of them more than we do." That should read, 'knew.' "a bunch of dogs, and I mean lots of dogs, run bye my house." 'Bye' should be replaced with 'by.' "Its a organization were people help lost and homeless dogs." That should read, 'It's an organization...' "EVERYONE IS TO EVACUATE AT OUNCE!" I'm wondering, why do you keep replacing the word 'once' with 'ounce?' "He then through a small and beat up card board box over the edge." That should read, 'He then threw...' "He moved out of the missing Trevor by inches, Trevor showed no sign of stopping" That should read, 'He moved out of the way...' “By the way, were is Mr. Madison?" That should read, 'where is Mr. Madison?' "It was latter revealed..." That should read, 'It was later revealed...' "Okay, I was going to see if there were any body parts tat..." Tat should be replaced with that. "...and began to suck blood out of my left arm, he put tape on my mouth to keep me quiet then proceeded to suck it out. It was more painful then any thing I have ever felt before in my life! I mean you have no idea!" How come this guy didn't put up a fight against the blood sucking man? "He was released from the hospital a few days before the voting toke place." That should read, 'took place.' "We have to star from scratch almost.” That should read, 'start from scratch.' Overall, it was a pretty good story. I think the first entry was a little better than this one. I will, however, remark on something that concerns me. This story, like the previous one, has many errors that need addressing. Most can be eliminated with a careful eye however. In truth, you are really a capable writer, but these errors cast shadows on your otherwise excellent work. In terms of character development, I will say--like the previous reviewer--that there was very little of that, though I did see some instances of inward reflections which--if probed further--could be the basis for character development. Ok, I hoped you enjoyed my critique. Also, have you gotten the chance to check out my short story "The Deluded Youth?" It is a very driven character piece and--who knows--you might learn something from it. Until tomorrow then, take care. " -- Michael Harris, Detroit, MI.
"Thank you again. The reason for the mistakes was that I wrote this when I just started writing. And thought I still make many errors (who desent?) they have gotten less bad. I wrote this one about two years ago. I got were, ware, and where mixed up, tow and toe. Too and to and two. It was just a sorta automatic response. I no longer have much of a problem with this, thought it is still present. I had this bad habbit of spelling ounce intead of once. It was just a nervous habbit that shows up often in my stories. I am going to read your story as soon as I can. I always considered this volume my weakest by far. I thought it didn't have enough bearing on the entire story of the series. Thanks again!" -- collins, in, in, us.
"PS- sorry for the typos in the above response. I seem to get too exited and type too fast. I'm working on it though!" -- collins, In.


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© 2003 Patrick Collins
October 2003

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