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Smith & Ronalds: The Murder Of The Prisoners
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Smith & Ronalds: The Murder Of The Prisoners
The first story in my series. It is the story of two detectives who team with a Hematologist to stop a mysterious vigilante on the lose in Indiana.
[9,467 words]
Patrick Collins
I am a 15 year old writer from Indianapolis, Indiana. I write poems, books, and songs. But my greatest passion is for film. My intrests range from Harry Potter, to Tarantino, to Billy Joel. I hope every one enjoys my work!
[February 2005]
As The Stars Streak By (Poetry) I A poem that is in my new book "BPD: Danger Rising". I figured I would post it by itself to see what people thought of it. Enjoy! [64 words] [Spiritual]
Bpd: Danger Rising-Part 1 (Novels) This is the fifth book in the series that used to go by the name of "Smith & Ronalds". I changed it becuase other characters are playing a bigger role in the story than before. The story picks up righ... [6,876 words]
Depth (Poetry) A poem about trying to find out who you are and what you place in the world is, an eternal struggle that we all face. [145 words]
Light And Dark (Poetry) A peom about my greatest love: cinema. This poem is a celebration of the world of film. I hope you like it! [170 words]
On And Offf (Poetry) A poem about confusion and distress, and the struggle to overcome it. [180 words]
Significance-First Draft (Screenplays) The first draft of my script. It is the simple story of a teenage girl on a soccer team. May seem boring, but my sole mission in my sripts are to make stories that are almost completetley devoid of cl... [9,272 words] [Drama]
Smith & Ronalds: A Time Of Change (Novels) The third entry in the Smith & Ronalds series. It focuses on the 1996 presidental election. Hector, Trev, Dave, Carrie, and Cedric all have to cope with the dargerous side-effects of politics. [5,620 words] [Drama]
Smith & Ronalds: The Shawdow In The Alley (Novels) My second re-post. It is the second volume in my sereie. It ounce again takes place at S3 of the Bloomington Police Department. Dave and Trev ounce again team with Dr. Hector Stone to track down a kil... [5,969 words] [Crime]
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Winter To Spring (Poetry) A poem about hope, and the eduring power of the human spirit. [161 words]

"Ok, Collins. Here follows another lengthy review. I hope you find this helpful. Have you read "The Massacre of Sierra Madre" by Kevin Myrick whose also on the site? I think you'd like them, them being a collection of stories. Also, have you ever considered adapting all of these stories for film? I'm sure it would be a very worthwhile experience. Note that the following missteps are things that can be overcome by just writing methodically. Slowly and methodically is the way to go in order to sidestep these issues. One quick problem I'll point out about this story is how it isn't in paragraph form. It would be much easier on the reader if you would put the story in paragraph form. Ok, here I go: "How bout we listed to some music?" That should be listen. "But it was better that waiting in the hot sun for a tow truck." That should read, 'But it was better than waiting...' "Do you need a ride to your house and/or were you are going at the moment?" That should read, 'Do you need a ride to your house and/or where are you going at the moment?" "Were would your house be?" That should read, 'Where would your house be?' "But David did not seem his usual Smart Allec self." That should read, 'Smart Alec self.' "The victim was a escaped murder convict!" That should read, 'The victim was an escaped murder convict!' "So were is this Silver Town place anyway?" That should read, 'So where is this Silver Town place anyway?' “Maybe they know were to find it.” That should read, 'Maybe they know where to find it.' "They followed her as she led them to the back of the building to find the body of Carmont Gureaunt. An infamous murderer." That should read, 'They followed her as she led them to the back of the building to find the body of Carmont Gureaunt, an infamous murderer.' Also, how is it that this infamous murderer isn't in jail? "Ounce he got there he noticed two people standing by the waters edge." That should read, 'Once he got there...' “Run another blood test, this time on this dude and these prints.” “You got it… ‘Dude’” This seems a little unrealistic, that a doctor would say the word 'dude.' “Same guy, and his blood to..." That should read, 'Same guy, and his blood too'. "He pulled in the parking lot of Hectors office in such a hurry that his tires put out an almost defining screech." I think you mean here, 'deafening screech'. “So, were is this crazy yakko?” That should read, 'So, where is this crazy yakko?' Question: How does the killer know where to find the other killers? If the police couldn't find them, then how does the killer know where to find them? “We can come back in the mourning and see Mr. Dragsman." That should read, 'We can come back in the morning...' “Let’s just stay all night in a parking lot.” He said. This is something that I've noticed you do a lot, you capitalize the 'he' in 'he said.' That's unnecessary as far as I know. I think the 'h' is supposed to be lowercased. "All the sudden, the man in the ski mask turned into a man with a slightly bald head really close to him shaking him by the shoulders." That should read, 'All of a sudden...' “I have been working at The Star for the ‘Indianapolis Star’ for six years, and yet I have yet to hear of something this creative!" Either 'The Star' or the 'Indianapolis Star' need to be deleted in this sentence. "He hung up and went our to his car." That should read, 'He hung up and went out to his car.' “Is this you friends car?” That should read, 'Is this your friends car?' “Yeah, Dr. Stone, why didn’t you notice? it’s so obvious!" That should read, 'It's so obvious!" "After a group of people finished wiring him, every thing was ready." That should read, 'everything was ready.' "The blood is nether neither yours nor his." Delete one of the neithers. "Both stopped at a special area were the prints could fade away!" Here again you used 'were' instead of 'where.' "Then, with out warning, the person in front turned around and fired a dart at Trevor." That should read, 'Then, without warning...' "He began feel sleepy." That should read, 'He began to feel sleepy...' "After hours of running, David finally was able to get help." This seems a little unrealistic, in that David would be able to run for hours looking for help. Maybe he could run for say thirty minutes or so. Also, I'm interested in something: is there really such a thing as Quakeko? Or is it the product of your imagination? "Later the doctor met him out side again." That should read, 'Later the doctor met him outside again.' "After a while they stuck gold." That should read, 'they struck gold.' "When he got there he went strait to Trevor’s room." That should read, 'he went straight to Trevor's room.' "But like David here said, don’t get to exited.” That should read, 'too excited.' "they stood there for a while talking about what to do the next morning." The 't' in 'they' should be capitalized. "it had all been a horrible nightmar." That should read, 'nightmare.' "and sitting next to her, tied up (and in a Quakeko induced Coma) where Bob Dickson..." That should read, 'were Bob Dickson.' "When they where on the top..." That should read, 'When they were on the top...' "She then checked their close for weapons. nothing." That should read, 'She then checked their clothes for weapons...' "They looked down, the almost immediately, they where sick at there stomachs." That should read, 'They looked down, almost immediately...' "Their hands where full, each has a tall object," That should read, 'their hands were full, each had a tall object...' "David, ounce again could not find the words to say," That should read, 'David, once again...' "but then after a while. He finally spoke." That should be one complete sentence. There shouldn't be a period after the word 'while.'" -- Michael Harris, Detroit, MI.
"I forgot to point out earlier how much I enjoyed this story. It flowed exceptionally well throughout. The dialogue was excellent and the plot was brilliantly handled. You certainly have a flair for writing. If you like, I'd love to know what you thought of my short story entitled "The Deluded Youth". Until our next meeting then, keep up the magnificence." -- Michael Harris, Detroit, MI.
"One last thing: It seems to me that the confrontation with Anne should last longer before she attempts to kill them. It would be nice for the detectives to be able to probe her mind a little. " -- Michael Harris, Detroit, MI.
"Hello once again, Collins. I just saw a preview of a movie that had a storyline similar to this one. It's called Suspect Zero and its about murderer who murders other murderers. Just thought I'd mention it. Take care." -- Michael Harris, Detroit.
"Thank you so much! This is the most positive review I have ever gotten! To answer a few questions: no, Quakeko is completley made up! He-he, The name was even made up, dosen't originaet with anything, no language or anything. Thats actually my trademark is making last names and names for animals and plants up. For example, Spearsmith, Caoch John's last name in Significance (and Kristens in the second draft) was completley made up, I just thought it sounded cool. Also, it's funny that you mentioned the movie version thing cause thats how the whole series was started. Here goes (this is going to be long): I was about 10 and came up with the story for a movie called 'Running out of Air" about a cop named Trevor E. Smith and his partner Dave Roberts (now ronalds). Trevor's identity was stolen out of revenge for foiling a techno madman named Steve Gronic's plan. So they have to go to his secret fortress in the Redwoods to prove that Trevor really is a cop. Well, I wrote a hand writted script for it, and was going to make a home made movie of it. So I thought I would write the backstory of the characters first. So I began to write a book called "The Adventures of Smith & Ronalds: The Killer Killer". I changed Dave Roberts to David Ronalds (a made up surname BTW), and their best friend from the script, Jason Johnson, was completley cut and replaced by a new character, Hector Stone. Eventually I forgot the movie, and the book took on a life of their own. New characters cam (such as Carrie B. Moss). Shortly after I posted the first three SR volumes, I began to toy with a Smith & Ronalds script again, so I began to write "BPD: Running out of Air". It is currently about half done. It is set after my books end. It has changed alot since my first handwritten script when I was 10, it is now much more complex and less corny. After the fourth book, I changed the series title to BPD, because other characters come into play and are just as important as the rest. The next volume, called "BPD: Danger Rising" is about half done and should be finished soon. Thanks for yor review." -- collins, in, in, us.


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© 2003 Patrick Collins
November 2004

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