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Who I Am
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Who I Am
Meanderings of the mind of me
|AUTHOR'S OTHER TITLES (5)
After The Trailers (Short Stories) - [376 words]
Away With The Fairies (Poetry) To the tune of 'Away in a Manger' - not quite the right season but hey ho [147 words] [Humor]
Listen To My Cry (Novels) The startings of a horror story. Please feel free to air your comments or views [1,616 words]
Listen To My Cry Part 2 (Novels) - [995 words]
Now Who Does This Remind You Of? (Short Stories) - [388 words]
Who I Am
Do you ever wake up and feel in a philosophical mood? Maybe I was influenced by a book I read. It looked at people in a really different way to anything I’d ever read before and, although while I was reading it, I wasn’t overly inspired but something happened after I finished. Someone was described as being so much – so full of life and purpose that they spilled out and people attached to them but yet they still searched constantly, obliviously for something that would define them, would almost rope them in. Others walked in their wake wanting to be like them, to feel like them. I saw it as people who collected other people along the way like a trailing toffee apple but not noticing. They got stuck on them and felt they were in love and the ‘apple’ took what they needed and moved on. Learned bits and pieces, fed on what they could offer. None of this was in an evil way but the feeling come from the soul rather than a conscious need. They constantly desired the need to know more, to feel. I am one of these people I realised and I sat there dissecting why and who I had been like this with. The ideas and thoughts came flying into my head in sparkles and flashed of colours, words, smells. I suddenly felt that I had distilled my essence and realised who I truly was! It shook me as I realised that this stranger, this man sitting a million miles from me had met someone like me, had analysed them and purified there being down into a drop of words which summed me up. I saw myself as a book at that point. Pages and pages of writing from relationships and experiences but beyond that, pages and pages of blankness, waiting to be filled, pen poised above the paper eager to drag every thought and feeling in and take it into my life. For every filled page a new, blank one would open.
My first relationship fell into this category. I wanted to know what love was, simple clinical curiosity, an emotion I wanted to take and own and use when I needed it. At this point my excess was curiosity, desire to fill up part of me that I felt was needed. He was my manager from work and, despite my complete naivety in terms of relationships, I managed to draw on some deeper instinct and reel him in, made him fall in love with me. I examined him like a bug, fed him bits of information and watched his reaction. Each thought and emotion he felt being stored deep in some repository, not filling a need it turned out but opening up door after door of new possibilities and thoughts. None of it intended to hurt him; it was cruel in a manipulating way but done with almost childlike fascination. Only with 20/20 vision in hindsight could I see what I was doing…back then I just wondered why I had been with someone I didn’t care for. My first experience had been with him. I remember lying there, him spent, me feeling let down but drawing in the feelings and popping them in a category, pushing them to one side and opening up new boxes to be filled.
I know that people have been jealous of me in the past and I always dismiss it, I have nothing for people to be jealous of, I’m just me…but then, with this new definition of me I realise, I do get people to love me and then, when the experience has passed it’s prime I bore and move on. Trailing broken hearts behind me. This is why I end up with angry, violent, unusual people. I have experienced, collected and grown with the ‘normal’ life and I am moving on, collecting the unusual, the far side of emotions. I did jealousy and fear by cheating on people so now I move on to anger, hate, losing control. I know that I can walk into a situation and use the right words to pick up the tempo, smooth out arguments and move to new territory. I know that I also observe and feed of peoples feelings and emotions, testing them to see where they head and boring of them if they follow the route I had predicted for them.
Could I really have been distilled to this simple collection of other people’s emotions and needs? I had times in my life where I had reacted how I should do and then sat there thinking – do I feel that? Do I really think that or do I think this is how I should be? Those moments give me a cold shivery feeling and I wonder if I am a fraud, a fake or if, in reality I am just like everyone else here and using what I know to try and fit in, try and be like everyone else.
I wonder, is it wrong to be a collector? To go through life full of life, to have a wealth of emotions that people are jealous of but then to seek out more, to move on and hunger for more until I can find the shifting changing thing my soul craves for. If it is wrong, I apologise as it is just me. Who I am.
|READER'S REVIEWS (13)
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"it needs 2 hav more 2 it 2 make it sound lik a story or an essay not jus a thing but its not bad" -- Joachin.
"i found this quite disturbing in that i could relate to it so well, especially the end. collecting can be a lonely, though exciting, road." -- curious.
"Powerful words" -- kwilt.
"Thank you for your words - this is the first thing I have put on here and the first time I have 'exposed' myself in this way - nice to hear that I am not the only one. Curious to know Curious - have you found someone to captivate your mind and keep 'filling the boxes'?" -- me.
"Joachim - it is just a things - a soul laid bare. I can't complete it into a thing as that would make it into a captive object - something which my spirit is not - it's a wandering one, searching for something that I wish I knew what it was but thank you for taking the time to read" -- me.
"well me, that's hard to describe. frequently found new someones and just as frequently moved on though the last one was quite a wake up call. a hazard of being shallow i suppose. " -- curious.
"I think you'd be a very interesting person to meet, so very similar to me. I have found another me and at the moment we are filling up each others boxes and I think he may have found the sticky tape - probably not for long though! Oh well, on to my next ramble now" -- me.
"tried to answer this with some info about getting rid of the comments but it was blocked. oh well, happy hunting." -- curious.
"so, u found another 'me', be interesting to see who tires of who first or perhaps you'll both find you've come a bit too close to the fire and find yourselves mutually devoured. part of the excitement of the game i guess. in any event, good luck." -- curious.
"I do find that here (Storymania), I can bear my soul, such as it is on paper. I find it intriguing that you know who you are, for that is something I have never discovered about my own self. Perhaps that is because I am always changing. We are all collectors of something...my opinion anyway. Welcome and I hope to read more from you :) " -- mattie.
"Nice strong words!!!" -- Ryan Morales.
"I'm not sure whether I believe you're fantasizing or just embellishing the truth a bit. I'd be interested in your reaction to the first man(assuming you're a heterosexual female) who becomes indifferent to your attempt at seduction or to get him to love you, as you put it. You may not like that experience. As I read your other offerings, I note that you have not made your gender of sexual orientation obvious in any of them. Is there a reason?" -- Lester.
"Lester apologies, I had not seen this review until now. Unfortunately I am not embellishing; this is from the heart. It's more a collecting - I'm not ugly but neither am I beautiful - I guess I'm just lucky that so many men were or are interested. I would like to meet that man though as it would be new and challenging. I'm afraid I am a little lazy and tend not to chase too hard. I am indeed a heterosexual female. Perhaps the ambiguity was as subconscious as the choice of 'Me' for a moniker. I suppose the intention was to appeal to the masses and so therefore not restricting my appeal by specifying my gender. Thank you for taking the time Lester. I am a fan of you - particularly your efforts at informing Matthew Mark Gill of his real station in life!" -- Me.
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