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The Pratmeister's Guide To Australia
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The Pratmeister's Guide To Australia
The Pratmeister gives you the unofficial history of the Aussies.
The Pratmeister is coming to get you!
|AUTHOR'S OTHER TITLES (13)
Assholes (Non-Fiction) The Pratmeister is in a mood. Again. [150 words] [Humor]
Australian Suck! (Non-Fiction) The Pratmeister gives you the lowdown on the worst country in the world. [665 words] [Humor]
If You Like Me... (Poetry) A tone poem, thoughtfully composed by the Pratmeister in tranquil contemplation, whilst taking a dump this afternoon. [64 words] [Humor]
Lying Little Liars - In Other Words, Our Government And It's Party Political Propaganda Tool - The Media (Non-Fiction) The Pratmeister is becoming political. [338 words]
Nicole Cornes Can Suck My Balls (Non-Fiction) The pratmeister gently points out to a "Sunday Mail" columnist where she is going wrong in life. [535 words] [Humor]
Oh Australia, How I Hate Thee (Non-Fiction) Let me count the ways... [505 words] [Humor]
Out With The Old, In With The Young (Non-Fiction) The Pratmeister gives his overview of 2005, and what he expects for 2006. [525 words] [Humor]
Perverts (Non-Fiction) The world is going insane - but the pratmeister will reassure you you're not alone in thinking so. [322 words] [Humor]
Prudes (Non-Fiction) The Pratmeister feels a rant coming on again. Oh dear. [355 words] [Humor]
Rant Of The Week (Non-Fiction) The Pratmeister tells it like it is on the hot topics of the day. [796 words] [Humor]
Shame Para Hills High School, Shame! (Non-Fiction) The Pratmeister has a gutless bunch of High School bureaucratic tosspots firmly in his sights this week. [191 words] [Humor]
The Aussie Media Are Full Of Shit (Short Stories) The Pratmeister has had enough of the bullshit foisted on the Aussie public as "news" and "current affairs". [510 words] [Humor]
What The World Wide Web Thinks Of Aussies (Non-Fiction) The Pratmeister gives you a look at what real people think of the worst country in the world. [2,053 words] [Humor]
The Pratmeister's Guide To Australia
Australia was founded in 1987 by producers of a television soap opera called "Neighbours". Nobody had ever heard of Australia before then, and in truth, most people try to forget the place even exists nowadays, including the poor unfortunates who have the misfortune of living there. Occasionally the Australians have been known to do something mildly amusing, such as lose at cricket, and then cry about it afterwards.
It's population is around 50, most of whom have their own television shows, which noone watches because British and American shows actually have real actors in them.
It's Prime Minister is known as George W Bush. George is also the President of FOX Television Network in America, which may or may not be relevant.
Many people stranded in Australia have started to suspect the place is a fictional construct, ala The Truman Show, simply as they find it hard to believe a real country could be so appallingly run or filled with such dumbass cunts. Sadly, there is no evidence as yet to support this claim.
Once upon a time, many Australians were convicts. Many of them still are today.
Australia prides itself on a concept of "mateship", either because they simply cannot spell "friendship" or because the concept is entirely alien to them. They present themselves to the outside world as affable and outgoing, but any foreigners unfortunate enough to be stranded there quickly realise that the average Australian is about as friendly as an Islamic extremist; the culture is non-existent and primarily consists of bits stolen from other, genuine cultures, most notably England and America. They have little or no sense of humour and will make no attempt to foster friendships with anyone having an accent other than their own. It is, in short, a superb place for tourists, but not somewhere anyone would actually want to live.
Plus, there is a growing body of evidence to suggest that all the men are closet homosexuals, while the average Australian female no longer even hides the fact that she is a dyke. In all honesty, while insulting Australia provides moments of amusement occasionally, the country as a whole contributes nothing to world society or culture and should probably be nuked at the earliest opportunity.
The Pratmeister hopes you enjoyed this guide.
Next week: Why Australians are bad sportsmen.
|READER'S REVIEWS (11)
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"Well thats great mate, because America has a "Genuine culture", i don't know where the fuck you hail from but truly i couldn't give two roots, but you obviously are ignorant to a totalic extent, and the inducing that we are all fags seems to be pretty amusing, unlike the rest of this stupid poem. Mate i dont know whether you've been anywhere else in the world, but Aussie kick the shit out of everywhere except perhaps Canada. In all honesty you must be a fucking sheep shagger or a imbred westie with too many digits, for i can think of no other reason for your ignorance." -- Hugh, Newcastle, NSW, Australia.
"You represent the height of Australia intellect, my dear chap, and make my point far more than my humble words ever could. Thank you, you sad little small-penised prick." -- thePratmeister.
"Yeah, right mate, if you hate the place so much then why dont you just fuck off? "Small penised" well that is a great call, almost as accurate as youre description of Australia (which isn't good, just incase you cant tell that i am being sarcastic) And if i could meet you then i would probably slap you accross the face with my "small penis" biatch. It seems pretty obvious to me that you havent had a chick in, well your lifetime, you sad homebound dickpulling quotidian pom." -- Hugh.
"Ooh keep it coming, Hugh. Oh wait, you can't, your willy doesn't work. Never mind. Say, is your last name Jass by any chance?" -- thePratmeister.
"Ooh, your calls keep on getting butter, but, nah, its G.Rection, mate." -- Hugh.
"P.s sorry about the mistake, no not your life, the spelling one." -- Hugh.
"Fuck this shit. Let me step in. Australia may be a great place to live, but this doesn't hide the fact that it is full of fuckheads, such as John Howard, Amanda Vanstone, Steve Erwin and your good self Hugh. Lets get together and have a jail party. We will see how fucking smart you are with my cock deep in your ass, won't we..? The human anal cavity (meaning your colon for dumb fucks like Hugh) is eleven inches deep... frighteneing thought isnt it Hugh..? See you in a shower room near you soon, fuckhead." -- Jimmy.
"Similarly bust check plug and play texas hold em! " -- texas hold em, texas hold em, texas hold em, texas hold em.
"Australia and Aussies suck donkey arse ! Even India and Indians are far superior to these pathetic nasal accented losers ! After all Brit hottie Liz Hurley married a Hindu Indian. The Richest man in the world is Mukesh Ambani, an Indian since today ! Google check it. We Indians could do the world a favor by nuking you Aussie assholes to the primitive stone age cultureless desert wasteland that you come from, Jerks !!!" -- Arun Nair, Mumbai, MH, India.
"To Arun Nair, except for these points it would create a nuclear war. everybody would die. also the title does say unofficial, but it should add "FICTION"" -- alec, Brisbane, Queensland, australian.
"also i would like to add that every single thing on EARTH comes from a primitive stone age cultureless desert wasteland, even india.and face it, The indian leaders arent racist like you and so are very unlikely to nuke any country without good reason. and by the way, thepratmeister, stop being so immature and talking about "willies" thats what 5 year olds call it, god,even calling it a "WILLY" is a huge sign of immaturity, please grow up, "ol chap"" -- Alec, Brisbane, Queensland, you already know.
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© 2005 Thepratmeister
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