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The Black Sheep Of Mahee's Family
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The Black Sheep Of Mahee's Family
This is just a moment In my time of quiet leisure that I usually write reasons of change in my life or reasons I feel like I might make a difference in someone else's, in this it is a little how others impacted me.
[1,191 words]
Patricia Lynn

P Lynn

I am a student full time, wife and mother, who is learning to relive again, and realizing words help everyone whether directed to them or not, just to write it seems to heal, help, and mold new futures.
[December 2004]
The Black Sheep Of Mahee's Family
Patricia Lynn

Once I was labeled as a troubled youth. Many of my friends parents did not agree with them hanging out with me, as if was the root to all of their problems. Their little girls were bad way before I came into the picture and the boys, lets not even tackle that, lets just leave it at "boys will be boys." I will admit though I was rambunctious, mouthy and into everything. A lost soul looking for love and a connection in all the wrong places and people. Experimenting with drugs and drinking quarts of "Old Mickeys" and shots of whatever I could get my hands on. I smoked weed like it was a necessity and popped pills, of any kind, just to reach the next level of the "awe" it gave me. I was more of a leader type, I have a very strong personality, but even we fall down, loose sight and almost forget what it is we need to be happy. I had many people in my life then, some I thought would be there for ever and some I knew would just be passer byes', but I was going to learn that life deals us lessons that we would never expect, and some times things that we feel we will never recover from.

I grew up in a home where my mother was very abusive, orally and eventually physically. My Papong was my protector for years, but he passed away in the early 80's , and then I was alone, besides my older brother who could not help me, he was a kid himself. My mother always seemed angry with me, no matter what I tried to do to make her happy. I knew she hated me, when you are a kid this is hard to comprehend, how could your mother hate you? What could you have done so wrong? My father was not around a lot in my growing up, and not until my early thirties did I get his version, and it made since, but I still blamed him because I felt like I spent my whole life trying to find happiness and love and got nothing but pain in return. I felt like he owed me. I forgave him and eventually her but the pain still lingers and the whys still haunt me everyday. I would be normal I think, and have a more successful life in love and would have been a much more successful parent if I had experienced it in my child hood. As for my siblings, they are very important too me, they know this, I have a love for them that is unconditional, even though I have always known they have been torn between my mother and me. This I do regret.

My family in my opinion was the best at quick talking and bullshitting. They could make everything seem all right, when it was a living hell. My mother was clouded by religion, and dysfunctional relationships with men who were jerks and abusive to her and to us. She never sought out help for her issues so they just overlapped in to my life and the others,but in a way though I feel mostly me. Her demons clawed at her mind everyday , just as mine would eventually do, and with all my choices and lack of choices, I would become "The Black Sheep Of Mahee's Family."

I married a good friend, a man that I love, and am thankful for many things he has given me. Sometimes though I know life has been hard for him because of me, and my neediness for love and constant reassurance of why he loves me ect.

I owe him a lot and only he knows why, this is the secret that we will share in our life now and in our death. Thank you Dirt bag, you saved me when I was spiraling into hell and brought me as close to a normal life as you could.

Anyways, there are so many more people that have assisted me in healing way, by helping me become whole and how to learn to be happier, they are very special people to me. They have all taught me something different.

Gman, gave me a special little friend when I needed love the most, his daughter taka teeke. She became my real reason for existence for a long period of time, and even now. She showed me I was worth loving and that she needed me in an unselfish way, I had enough good in me for her to see it, and to latch onto it. Then Queen Reen and teeke taki helped me understand that though I was not perfect they loved me for me, and that they needed me for me not what others wanted me to be. Then there is Packman, he is spirited like me, he has given me so much joy in life, I could never regret him, I just regret the unhealthy emotional roller coaster I sent him on growing up. Then there was Paulhee whose words of wisdom was as comforting as a fire in the winter and a cup of cocoa. His love came freely without reservations he gave more to me from that then he probably ever realized. Kimberlinka a good friend, who is like a sister was a magnet for drama as I was once, her kids became my kids and my child became hers. We have traveled many roads long and hard ones and always came back to each other for the support and understanding no one else could offer either of us. She became my sister bound by love. Swaheelee is my most unique and special of friends and family because she is so genuine, she knows a lot of my past and loves me freely, she showed me it is all right to want more, be more and desire more. I thank her for this, and for the love her and her children have given me, Last but not least is a Sam Bone, a very special friend, one who understands where I came from and pushes me to go further, She does not allow me to fall and stay down, she makes me get up and restart the walk of life that is full of whatever we let it be full of. From all I learned to go on, I have since strted school again, working towards my Associates Degree, in Criminal Justice. I know I will succeed. I know I am worth loving and I want people who know me or know of similar lifes experiences that you have the control to make change, these people whether they are few are just a enough special people in my life that helped me realize that everyone has a choice to be successful, to be loved freely, have passion in all areas of life, to forgive and be forgiven and most of all to let go of the past and be whatever they want to be, I choose to be, Patricia Lynn, not "The Black Sheep of Mahees' family" .


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© 2004 Patricia Lynn
December 2004

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