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Oh Australia, How I Hate Thee
Let me count the ways...
The Pratmeister is coming to get you!
|AUTHOR'S OTHER TITLES (13)
Assholes (Non-Fiction) The Pratmeister is in a mood. Again. [150 words] [Humor]
Australian Suck! (Non-Fiction) The Pratmeister gives you the lowdown on the worst country in the world. [665 words] [Humor]
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Perverts (Non-Fiction) The world is going insane - but the pratmeister will reassure you you're not alone in thinking so. [322 words] [Humor]
Prudes (Non-Fiction) The Pratmeister feels a rant coming on again. Oh dear. [355 words] [Humor]
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Oh Australia, How I Hate Thee
OH AUSTRALIA, HOW I HATE THEE
LET ME COUNT THE WAYS
By The Pratmeister
1) I hate your stupid hick ways, your stupid hick customs, your stupid hick politicians, your stupid hick
'celebrities', and indeed, every stupid hick that makes up the entire population of your stupid hick
2) I hate that you are under the deluded impression that you are somehow important on the world
stage, despite the fact that every civilised country regards you with the same disdain as the dog shit
they just stepped in.
3) I hate how you pretend that things such as friendship and loyalty (reinvented as 'mateship', presumably
because you couldn't spell 'friendship') are somehow not only Australian traits (when they are clearly
anything but - 'Wolf Creek' being the first accurate advertisement on how well the average Aussie
treats any visitors to their 'country') but that they are the only ones who have them. They are also
the only ones to have heroism and courage, and are definitely the only ones who fought and indeed
won World War 2, at least that's what you'd think if you ever listened to one of their hick politicians on
Anzac Day (now there's a non-event for you).
4) I hate that colonial chip on your shoulder, the one that makes you sneer disparagingly not only at
your English masters and superiors, but indeed, at Americans, Asians and indeed anyone who
doesn't end every statement with 'mate'. Then you turn around and steal bits from all their
cultures to make up the fact that you don't have one on your own.
5) I hate the fact that you have no culture of your own, and desperately try to "plump up" non-events
and non-things such as Anzac Day, Ned Kelly and Lamingtons to try and pretend you have one (the bits
that aren't stolen from elsewhere, that is)
6) I hate the fact that if anyone - inevitably from somewhere else as they are the only ones
capable of objective thought - points out your failures and absurd pretensions, your instant
response is "well fuck off then you Pommy Git/Yank Bastard". This despite the fact that you
come from Wales.
7) I hate how the slightest non-event (like 2 nobodies being stuck down a mine for a week or two)
suddenly becomes a national cause of worry and celebration. No one mentions the 63 people stuck
down a mine in Korea the same week, because they clearly don't count, not ending every sentence
8) I hate that your economy is so shit that the exchange rate makes it completely impossible to
ever leave this hole with so much as the shirt on your back, making the dumb Aussie's comment
of 'well fuck off then you Pommy Git/Yank Bastard' all the more ridiculous, since you'd love to if
only you could fucking afford it.
9) I hate your complete and total lack of any sociability at all, and the fact that all of your even
remotely attractive females all come complete with boyfriends straight out of the womb. Hell,
they're probably siblings. That would explain a lot.
10) I just really, really hate you.
Fuck you and goodnight!
ps What's the difference between yoghurt and Australia?
Yoghurt has a culture.
|READER'S REVIEWS (7)
DISCLAIMER: STORYMANIA DOES NOT PROVIDE AND IS NOT RESPONSIBLE FOR REVIEWS. ALL REVIEWS ARE PROVIDED BY NON-ASSOCIATED VISITORS, REGARDLESS OF THE WAY THEY CALL THEMSELVES.
"Ah yes, once again, the ignorance." -- Hugh.
"Ahhh, I thought it was funny, but then again I don't live in Australia" -- kwilt.
"A play online craps spending stack fishhooks. " -- online craps, online craps, online craps, online craps.
"That's just what I was going to say!" -- thepratmeister.
"It's strange, for a person who purports that australia has no import or affect, you really are affected, you need to take a holiday mate, it seems that all of this futile negatativity is having an affect on you. can i suggest a destination? I was thinking somewhere like, wherever the fuck you came from. Did you ever give thought to the possibility that the reason you've encountered so much grief socially is because your a negative closed-minded creep? this is called irony, look it up, its actually in australian dictionaries too. " -- rents.
"Irony? In Australia? I don't think so, tossface." -- thepratmeister.
"everything you say about australia is clearly racist, and we have no british masters we are our own country.. all the reasons you hate australia seem to be showing just how racist you are to australians, maybe you need to actually come to australia to see what we're really like, and by the way politicians dont represent the interests of the australian people most of the time. Intelligence, in thepratmeisters head? i don't think so, tossface." -- Alec, Brisband, Queensland, Australia.
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© 2006 Thepratmeister
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