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What Are We There For
[841 words]
[October 2003]
What Are We There For

Letters from Lime
No. 346
Giant steps for men

What are we here for? What does it all mean? If we were to follow the example set by our ancestors, our purpose is to build something big and mysterious like the pyramids or Stonehenge and then disappear in a flurry of papyrus and the dust cloud of rock-chipped martyrdom, leaving our massive cult of confused shaven-headed pastel-coloured minions to chant warnings of bad-tempered but all-loving deities to the �New new world�. In the same religion we will somehow strike a logical passage granted between spiritual enlightenment through absolute purity and on buying (for only $99.99c v.a.t. excluded), our equivalent of the Karma Sutra, and following the instructions. Even though we are superior and intelligent enough to simply watch the inhabitants of the new new world from a distance and learn through observation, instead we shall obliquely show off or superior inter-stellar technology by abducting one or two every now and again, arbitrarily �tagging� them or tattooing them on the inside of their mouth and performing whatever strange �experiment� we feel like on them (Hey Carl, check this out) until we get bored of our subjects and leave them alone to work through their schizophrenic paranoia that they are �being watched� with their psychiatrist. (Whom which of course would have already been brainwashed by the illuminati. See pg. 17 � Ed.) Today Letters from Lime will interview a prominent ex-�old world� now super highly-advanced spiritual/spaceman/alien/fuckit/thingy/whatever named, (of course), �Zorg�.

L.F.L: Greetings and salutations from planet Earth.
Zorg: Hi how are you.
L.F.L: Okay. Hi. My brother claims to have been abducted.
Zorg: What�s his name.
L.f.L: Mark.
Zorg: Mark with a �c� or a �k�?
LfL: No, Mark with an �m�. (Hysterical laughing)
Zorg: That�s very funny. No really though, I can check up to see if we did him. (Pulls out a gadget from his pocket)
LfL: Ooh! What is that?
Zorg: This is the new Siemens. Look, it�s got colour. (Shows screen)

(Uncertain pause)

LfL: You mean you guys use Earthly cellphone technology to communicate across time and space?
Zorg: (dialing number) Well not really, I mean, we�re actually based in Ottowa.
LfL: Ottowa?!
Zorg: What�s your brother�s surname, then?
LfL: Er � Sotherby. Um � what was I � oh yeah � Ottowa?! What the hell for?! Christ, my lame cousin Bernie stays in Ottowa. Hey, maybe you guys did him. Certainly would explain a whole bunch.
Zorg: Hello�can I speak to John please?
LfL: He once just freaked out when he was making fried eggs, just went absolutely nuts one time, gripped the-
Zorg: John! Zorg here - how you doi� huh? Oh ha ha, right. Yeah - no, I was just mentioning the- what? Oh, right ha ha, no, okay, but seriously, I�m actually in an interview wi- huh? Okay, John � uh, wait John � yeah � uh,
LfL: and threw the thing clear across the kitchen and the thing like, bounced � like, ricoched off the wall � is that right? Can frying pans �ricochet�?
Zorg: No, just for some cheesy magazine, I donno. But he�s the guy here, he�s � just, okay, just check up Mark Sotherby it�s, what? � I don�t know. I don�t know he won�t tell me. He just says �with an �m� � he � yeah right, a real comedian - anyway so it�s Mark Sotherby right,
LfL: All over the floor and Maggie is standing there, bleeding from her temple, just teetering on the spot like a�I mean, shit, and she�s like holding her
Zorg: Right � that�s what I thought, Blonde guy about my size with � right �
 LfL: raced to the hospital in like four minutes flat in my 1300 Fiat
Zorg: (closes phone) No, we didn�t do him.
LfL: flat tyre, and I�m like, this is � huh?
Zorg: Nope. No Mark Sotherby. No �Mark Sotherby� either with a �c� or a �k�. Nope. Sorry.
LfL: Really?
Zorg: Sorry.
LfL: No way.
Zorg: Way.
LfL: No shit.
Zorg: Shit.

(Long Awkward pause. Embarrasment.)

Zorg: Sorry.
LfL: It�s okay.
Zorg: �
LfL: �
Zorg: �
LfL It�s just-
Zorg: no but really it�s-
LfL: What?
Zorg: Huh?
LfL: No you go.
Zorg: I was just saying it�s common.
LfL: It�s fine.
Zorg: Lot�s of people think we -
LfL: No it�s fine, it�s fine.
Zorg: �
LfL: �Okay can I use your phone? I think I should call him. I just want to tell him. He�d like to know.
Zorg: (handing over phone) Of course. Again, I�m sorry.
LfL: No, I completely understand.(dialing) I just wonder how he will take it. He�ll get over it.
Zorg: You�re not phoning a cell number are you?

So there you go. These tight-fisted bastards gallivanting around with their crop-flattening spaceships claim to be running a strictly controlled operation. Their blatant denial of weighty allegations challenging the moral foundations that supposedly justify their scientific experiments made with an arrogant air of irrelevance speaks volumes more than these simple words could ever possible hope to. Thank god for electronic publishing because I would never kill a tree for the paper to print this pointless interview, as journalistically credible as it is.


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October 2003

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