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About Ancient Egypt and Egypt as it is today.
16 year old aspiring author from Indiana who has an unfortunate name. Please read, you won't be disappointed.
|AUTHOR'S OTHER TITLES (5)
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Memoirs From The Thanksgiving Season (Children) The title speaks for itself! [453 words]
The Thing I Cannot Beat (Poetry) A poem about... well, read it and find out! ;) [41 words]
Time Slips By (Poetry) - [71 words] [Nature]
|READER'S REVIEWS (8)
DISCLAIMER: STORYMANIA DOES NOT PROVIDE AND IS NOT RESPONSIBLE FOR REVIEWS. ALL REVIEWS ARE PROVIDED BY NON-ASSOCIATED VISITORS, REGARDLESS OF THE WAY THEY CALL THEMSELVES.
"Cool story. So what brings you to Storymania, how did you learn of this place?" -- Chris.
"Thanks, I'm glad you liked it. Actually, a friend of mine found this place while surfing the net and told me about it. He has his stories on here as well. I decided to put this on Storymania.com because I liked the report I did for History. I thought that other people might like it too. " -- Christina Aspears.
"A very good story and report! I am no book or story expirt, but I thing you have a goog brain in that head. PS-Sory about your name. I feel for you. ;)" -- collins, indianapolis, indiana, US.
"Notations will be offset in asterisks. ***Example*** Ancient Egypt Christina Aspears Introduction: My report is mostly about Ancient Egypt, but you will find several facts about Egypt as it is today. ***This first line is your thesis statement. The thesis statement declares the main point or controlling idea of your entire essay. Frequently located near the beginning of a short essay, the thesis answers these questions: “What is the subject of this essay?” “What is the writer’s opinion on this subject?” “What is the writer’s purpose in this essay?” (to explain something? to argue a position? to move people to action? to entertain?). So your thesis statement is to inform about Egypt both past and present. This may seem obvious, but keep it squarely in focus so you don’t start offering extraneous details such as “Mummies have also been discovered in Mongolia” Everything in your essay should support your thesis. Consequently, if you write your working thesis statement at the top of your draft and refer to it often, your chances of drifting away from your purpose should be reduced. Now you may be fourteen, Christina, but I don’t plan on cutting you any slack. First I’ll offer tips on condensing and then tips about limiting authorial intrusion ie. “Egypt has pyramids, gee I think they are really cool and neat.”*** When I found out I had to do a report on Africa, the first thing that popped into my head was: Egypt. ***I figured this essay might have been born out of a need to do a school assignment, which is always the worst kind of essay, because it enforces a specific subject and word minimum upon a writer. Therefore 99% of the time the student ends up writing about something they’d rather not, and using all kinds of filler words and sentence goobledy-gook to make the minimum required words. When teachers begin to realize that, then they’ll have their students produce better reports. Since I’m not looking for a four page 2,000 word minimum essay, and because if you ever go to publish you’ll learn less is more, I’ll be doing a lot of excising, starting with your thesis statement. Keep in mind, I’m only taking what you already have here, and working with it, and anything I add will only be comments and not actual text, since I like to help a student and not do their work for them. First I’d eliminate the caption “Introduction” since the heading is self-explanatory as the introductory paragraph. In the same respect it also wouldn’t be necessary to list “middle” and “end.” Now the first rule of an article is “get to the point,” never dance around it. Your first sentence can be whittled down to just “Ancient as well as modern Egypt hold much interest for me out of all the African countries.” Eliminate the second sentence altogether.*** In the Second Grade, ***Change to “When I was in the second grade” unless you want your reader to believe this took place when your teacher was in her second year of school.*** my teacher, known for her crazy parties and fun field trips, ***The previous phrase, offset in commas can be removed entirely from the sentence, and you lose nothing except extra verbiage.*** made ***The word “made” offers a negative conjugation, whereas the word “had” offers a more positive conjugation.*** us study Egypt for Social Studies. After several months of studying, watching educational videos, and making a 3 page report on Egypt (the teacher was really hard too, she demanded a lot out of us), we finally got our reward: a party. At the party, everyone dressed up as Egyptian royals, and we ate Egyptian food such as apricots, dates, nuts, oatmeal bread, and wine (a.k.a. grapejuice). ***Incorrect, wine is highly fermented grape juice.*** I remember that not only because it was fun, but because I got to wear three layers of makeup and so much eyeliner that my eyelids were weighed down. I almost had to use my fingers to hold them back to keep them from drooping. ***Although this is very interesting, it strays from your main thesis statement, which deals with ancient and modern Egypt, not a costume party. Always ask yourself how relevant a passage is when relating it to the thesis statement of your article.*** Ever since then, Egypt stuck. It has never ceased to fascinate me. ***The following is much more relevant to your thesis statement*** Although that was my most vivid memory of Egypt, it was not the first time I've ***Replace “I’ve with “I’d”*** heard of Egypt. When I was little, I would go to the Children's Museum ***Be more specific, tell the reader which Children’s Museum***, and there was an exhibit I'd always see: the mummies. ***Reword: … and view the mummy exhibit.*** My big sister would take me to the little windows that explained how they were mummified. She'd read the signs to me, but the signs had little influence on what she said. She would stretch out the words, exaggerating the procedure. She'd say, "They would take a big, sharp hook and just jam it up their nostril and then twist it around, and around, and around until it caught on something. Then they would yank on the hook until the person's big, slimy brain appeared. They'd pick up the brain and put it in one of those jars so it could rot for years and years and big, ugly, black bugs would crawl all over it. Do you see how big your nose is? It's not very big is it? So can you imagine someone yanking your brain out of there?" She never told me these people were already dead while doing this, so this never failed to gross me out. Although my sister's words were gross, they were unforgettable. ***Reword: Thankfully I now can…*** Now (thank goodness), I can read those signs myself, but sometimes ***Replace “but sometimes*** with “though”*** I still miss my sister reading them to me, because, no matter how gruesome she was, I still loved it, ***The previous phrase “I still loved it” can be eliminated.”*** and I still loved learning about Egypt. Ancient Egypt: Ancient Egypt is one of the most well known empires in the history of the world. It is ***Tense is also important in non-fiction. It “was” one of the most successful. While Egypt as a country still exists today, “ancient” Egypt does not.*** also one of the most successful. Egypt is on the North East corner of Africa by the Nile, the longest river in the world. Many, many ***Either eliminate one of the two “many”s or even better give an exact time.*** years ago, when Egypt had not been established yet, the Nile River would (and still does) overflow during the rainy season. When the waters washed away, ***Water “washes away” objects, not itself, thus say “When the waters receded…”*** it left fertile soil that was appealing to travelers. ***Connect the previous sentence with the next sentence. Fact is great soil wouldn’t be appealing to travelers; I mean did anyone ever say to you “Christina there’s great soil in Antarctica.” And you thought “Gee I think that’s most appealing to me, I think I’ll travel there.” My guess is probably not. Thus the question would be why was it appealing to travelers? The answer would be they wished to set up residence there, not just pass on through and look at the pretty soil as they took pictures. Hence: … it left fertile soil, attracting travelers wanting to plant crops…*** Many people soon started traveling there, planting crops and herding animals. This led to the great civilization of Ancient Egypt. I’ll do the laundry, and cook. There is a lot of information about Egypt even before the records began. ***Eliminate this sentence.*** There are many recordings of the history of Egypt, and, ***Eliminate comma*** thanks to the dry climate, are almost perfectly preserved. There are many ways of recording information now, but before the invention of paper, most (if they could write) ***Get rid of the information in parenthesis. It may look useful to you on first read, but it is extraneous. Example Essay on women’s Italian dresses: Many fine dresses are made in Italy (Italy was once ruled by Caesar) Huh?*** recorded information down by scratching it onto rock. This is the case with the Palermo Stone, which gives information about the first dynasties of Egypt. What is incredible about Egypt is that, ***Eliminate “that”*** much of the stuff that happened did not happen over time. Egypt was a fast-paced society. There is evidence of this because, during the Old and Middle Kingdoms, Egypt had already developed a culture. ***This is self-explanatory, if they had a kingdom in place, then it would logically follow they must have already had a culture.*** For most societies it takes thousands of years, but for Egypt, it took only hundreds of years. The Old Kingdom is especially famous for it’s ***Nothing belongs to “it”*** artistic and intellectual achievements such as stone architecture, Egyptian art, and the Egyptian religion, ***Eliminate all the words that follow until you reach the period.*** which I’ll talk about later on. Egypt was split into two kingdoms: the Upper Kingdom and the Lower Kingdom until they were united into one ***Redundant, eliminate “into one”*** by Menes, a king of the first dynasty. After this, there was a lot of trading going on, often trading with nearby Sinai for copper.***Reword to: After this much trading began, often with nearby Sinai for copper.*** During the third dynasty, many new ideas were introduced, such as religion, which was ***Eliminate “which was”*** mostly practiced by the upper-class citizens. When the Egyptian religion was established, Ra was made one of the most important gods. Ra was the sun god and was often called the creator and father of all things. Early Egyptian kings said that ***Eliminate “that’*** they were descendants of him, so they added his name to their own. Ra mostly appeared in the form of a hawk or a lion, which you can see in ***Replace “which you can see in” with “seen”*** later paintings on walls of old Egyptian ruins. Other ideas, such as mummification and the building of stone monuments were introduced. Mummification was a very new idea that had a lot to do with the Egyptian pagan religion. The Egyptians believed that, ***Eliminate “that”*** when someone died, they would go along to the next stage of life: the afterlife. The rich (especially the priests and pharaohs) would have tombs built for them while they were still living. Then, once they died, they would be laid onto a table where the medicine man would prepare their body. First, he would remove such organs as the heart, the brain, the intestines, the liver, and the kidneys. They would be placed in decorative jars so that ***Eliminate “that”*** the person can ***Once again keep your tense in mind. The person “could” use them again.*** use them once in the afterlife. Then the body would be cured with salt, so the skin would be dried out and preserved better. The body would be covered with tree sap and with spices such as cinnamon and peppermint. ***Yummy*** Then the linen cloth strips would be wrapped around the body, and the body would be placed in a coffin, or a decorativheir ***Is that an Egyptian word???*** riches, so they would be rich. Sometimes their servants would be killed so that ***Eliminate “that”*** they can ***Replace “can” with “could”*** serve their master in the afterlife as well. Even their pets were killed and mummified to accompany their owner. This was so important to the Egyptians that a death was more celebrated than a birth. In the 23rd Century (B.C.), the Old Kingdom of Egypt collapsed. The rulers became too powerful and many records of the Ancient Egypt ***Egyptian*** existence were lost or destroyed. The fourth dynasty of Egypt helped a little bit, but not much. Soon, the era of the Old Kingdom was gone, into a new era, the Middle Kingdom. There isn’t much to say about the Middle Kingdom, except that ***Eliminate “that”*** it picked Egypt up and turned it around in the right direction. The border if ***of*** Egypt was extended pas ***past*** the Nile, and a new form of writing, called hieroglyphics, was introduced. Once the eighteenth dynasty came about, the Middle Kingdom ended and the New Kingdom began. The New Kingdom was the most important and best-recorded period in Ancient Egypt ***Egyptian*** history. The boundaries of Egypt were endless, reaching all the way into Asia, along the Euphrates River. Following pharaohs such as Amnehotep III, and Akhnaton, came a little nine year old ***nine-year-old*** boy named Tut ***Don’t abbreviate in an article, that may have been what media junkies in the ‘20s were calling King Tutankhamen, but you as a researcher should not. Spell it out.***. Tutankhamen became pharaoh of Egypt at nine years old ***Change “old” to “of age” for better affect.*** Since he wasn’t old enough or wise enough to rule, his mother did until he was ready. When he was, Tut was an excellent ruler. He made a very justifiable law code and made sure those laws were enforced. He was one of Egypt’s best rulers, until he was mysteriously killed at nineteen. Then, in 1932, ***This is incorrect, Tutankhamen’s body was discovered in 1922, not 1932*** his tomb was discovered by Howard Carter, and there was evidence that ***Eliminate “that”*** the tomb had been violated, since there appeared to be some things broken and tampered with. Right around the time of Tut’s death, Egyptian architecture was excelling rapidly with enormous buildings that were quite impressive. The architecture was as good or better that ***than*** the architecture in Roma ***Though not technically wrong, “Roma” is an unusual variant in English*** and Greece, but for some reason, not as well known. Speaking of Rome, right around 58 B.C. Rome was starting to overshadow Egypt, and that ***Eliminate “that”*** took away a lot of Egypt’s trade. All of this cost Egypt a lot of money. This is where Cleopatra comes in. Cleopatra was the ruler of Egypt at the time, and she did everything she could to help her people. She did this by becoming quite friendly with such Roman rulers as Marc Anthony and Julius Caesar. This stirred up quite a commotion between the two countries, and many people were outraged. This was the cause of the death of Cleopatra’s son, caused by the man who was later known as the Emperor Augustus. In later years, around 200 A.D., Christianity was on the rise, and was welcomed by Egypt, despite it’s ***its*** pagan past. There were also many saints who were from Egypt such as St. Authanasius, St. Cyril, and St. Origen. Christianity did not stay on top for long though. It was some 400 ***spell out*** years after Christianity came about that the great teachings of Mohammed were widely practiced. That’s right: Islam. ***Connect previous two sentences. Example: … the teachings of Islam, by Mohammed…*** Egypt became one of the leading empires in the Islamic faith. Why were there so many Muslims in Egypt? ***Don’t pose a question in the interior of your article, instead just include the statement as to why. It may seem to you, the writer, as though you are having an informal chat with the reader, but you want to throw out anything that doesn’t help support your thesis statement. You’re trying to inform the reader, not have casual banter.*** The explanation is very simple: location. If you look at a map, Egypt is VERY close to the Muslim capital of the world: Mecca. Also, being so close to the Middle East, many people would colonize in Egypt, reducing th eChristian ***the Christian*** population to a small minority. At that time, people would speak the Greek and Coptic languages combined together, but with all the immigrants from the Middle East, Arabic became the dominant language. Today, Egypt, of course is more modernized, with television sets, streetlights, ans ***and*** automobiles, just like any other country. ***False statement. Not all other countries have these things.*** The one thing that makes Egypt unlike any place in the world is that ***Eliminate “that”*** the pyramids are still there. The Valley of the Kings (sometimes called the Valley of the Pharaohs), is a major hot spot for mummified people of importance in the past. Today, Cairo is the capitol of Egypt, and although the boundaries have shrunk to some degree, people still walk on the same roads that ***Eliminate “that” and expand “Tut”*** King Tut walked down himself, many years ago. ***You can excise “many years ago”*** The main form of currency is the Egyptian pound, and the last census unveiled that ***Eliminate “that”*** there are 64.7 million people who live there and that ***Eliminate “that”*** 99% of the population lives by the Nile River, the center of farming and industry in Africa. Also, the most abundant crop grown in Egypt is cotton. All in all, Egypt is one of the most important countries in the world, and it’s ***Once again, nothing can belong to an “it” so no possessive apostrophe is required.*** history is just as important. Egypt’s history definitely stands out, it being one of the most advanced of all time, inventing things and ideas such as the boat, the lighthouse, and growing grapes to make wine. Another thing so great about Egypt is that ***Eliminate “that”*** it is very well recorded, so we know practically everything that happened. Egypt has also shown us a person’s day-to-day life by preserving their people so well, and painting their customs and beliefs on the walls of the tombs. If it hadn’t been for them, many of those ancient ideas would be lost. And so I close,***Don’t close by saying that you’re closing.*** to say that ***Eliminate “that”*** Egypt is definitely unique, and that is a very good thing, probably more than we’ll ever know. " -- JA St. George.
"The WBBS review on this very story can be found at http://writersbbs.com/bbs3/forum.cgi?action=read&forum=nonficmags_h&message=1403-1 " -- JA St. George.
"Now the review of this piece is going to sting, but the best of reviews usually do. It's never easy looking at the flaws of one's work and setting about repairing them, but that is the test of a writer, the writer who can grow in his/her writing to become a better writer is a far superior one that refuses to do so. If you have looked at these suggestions and have taken them with your chin still held high, then I can foresee a great writing future for you. Good luck with it." -- JA St. George.
"Great story!! What's with the 60'000 word review tho..:)" -- Buxton.
"c926t [a] [/a] " -- ma419zda, t534t, t534t, USA.
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© 2002 Christina Aspears
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