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Ruminations As Of 41205
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TITLE (EDIT)
Ruminations As Of 41205 |
DESCRIPTION
I wrote all of these humorous ruminations in the past few years, now I'm putting them down somewhere. Hope they make you laugh, and I hope to come up with many more.
[1,168 words] |
TITLE KEYWORD
Humor |
AUTHOR
A Panos |
ABOUT
THE AUTHOR
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[January 2009] |
AUTHOR'S OTHER TITLES (5)
A Streetlight Story (Short Stories) A very depressing story. Don't judge it by that though. The ending is up for interpretation. [2,216 words]
An-Arch-Y (Screenplays) Everything wasn't all hunkie dory dory on Noah's arch. So here's a story story of a poker game between 4 animals on day 38. [2,780 words] [Humor]
How Joe C. Lost His Finger (Short Stories) This story just goes to show that sometimes, people only read because there are still words that are left on the page. [648 words] [Humor]
Top Of The First Inning (Screenplays) If you like baseball, you'll think this story is amusing. If you don't like baseball that much because "it's too boring", then this story is for you. It's play-by-play for an exciting game. [2,447 words] [Humor]
Who Would Win In A Fight... (Essays) People have always thought to themselves, "If these two people were to fight, who would win?" Now here are some select matches which I will show you the winner. [1,559 words] [Humor]
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Ruminations As Of 41205
A Panos
-People always ask, “Yo Andrew, why are you so skinny?” and I’m like “Cause I like Pez candies…when they spit out the food while smiling, it makes me feel that bulimia is OK”
-Columbus day is a pretty messed up holiday cause we celebrate him trying to find India and really messing up.
-I knew someone that was pro-life and he died one day…what a hypocrite.
-When pro-lifers yell at abortion clinics and say, “what would Jesus do?” my first thought is that Jesus would probably keep the kid…then I think wait…how did Jesus get pregnant
-I try to live by the idea of what would Jesus do…but it doesn’t really help while buying crack.
-Guys that swim are much better than girls at the breaststroke…and I think we know why
-I saw Bugs Bunny on TV yesterday and he was dodging bullets. I think this is a horrible message for kids…cause rabbits can’t talk.
-Jesus…how ironic. He spent his whole life as a carpenter nailing things to wood…and yeeeaahh….
-Drugs are bad cause they really mess up your short-term memory.
-I saw Bugs Bunny on TV yesterday and he was dodging bullets. I think this is a horrible message for kids…cause rabbits can’t talk.
-Every now and then, when I’m bored, I’ll steal two pieces from a 1000 piece puzzle.
-I had sex with an atheist one night and during it she yelled “Oh God!”…I could quickly tell there was to be no commitment.
-People use salt and sand to soak up moisture when it snows…I use sponges.
-When people are very still and quiet, someone usually asks what they are thinking of, and they usually answer “nothing” I however say what I truly am thinking…usually it encompasses a nice hand job and 2 bisexual females…either that or pasta.
-If aliens come form Mexico, than why isn’t it a planet?
-Why don’t cowboys duel at low noon?
-Is there an escalator to heaven…for handicapped people?
-What do they test mousetraps on?
-Why do candy companies make lifesavers so damn easy to choke on?
-What’s riding a bike as easy as?
-Why is there a flavor of gum called “bubble gum”?
-What goes off in a blind person’s head when they get an idea?
-Do Spanish people have a card game called one?
-Why do ducks have a dodging technique named after them when they get shot at all the time.
-I’ve been on woodland trails before and have never seen pretzels, goldfish, or any mix of that sort.
-I have a stopwatch…it used to tell time, but it stopped.
-I went to a karate tournament and put kick me signs on 100 people’s backs…they all got beat up.
-I saw Mr. Potato Head picking his nose the other day…he picked the one with a mustache.
-I think chocolate chip cookies should come with powdered milk sprinkled on them.
-I like to feed my pet dog animal crackers in the shape of a dog.
-I once liked a girl a while ago so I decided to buy her some silk roses…but since I wasn’t that sure if I liked her that much I made sure they had real thorns.
-If you’re an individual raise your hand…or don’t…it’s your choice.
-The words cotton balls are used in context with medical things…however I bet the words were first used to describe an STD slaves used to get.
-I think anyone with ADD is an ass. For those not paying attention the first time, I think people with ADD are cool.
-I’m gonna make flavored pens one day for those bitters out there.
-I tried to play field hockey one day, but my skates kept getting caught in the grass.
-I was watching NASCAR the other day…does that make me a race-ist?
-I like to stop at street corners, look at the crossing guard and press the walk button while in a suave voice say “does this turn you on?”
-A rabbi walked into a bar………mitzvah
-I have a universal remote…it can change any TV in the galaxy.
-I have the super tight tights…but no super powers.
-I pulled my groin last night…and I kept on pulling it.
-I once had a French poodle and a German Shepard…yeah…we know where this joke is going.
-I like to egg the EPA headquarters with ostrich eggs.
-I was talking to a blind person the other day…he spoke in brail.
-I was going to a friend’s house but I was late. So I decided to drive on the shoulder…but I hit an elbow
-I once worked for Ben and Jerry’s and it was real cool…I mean cold.
-I once drank 20 glasses of grape juice in one sitting. It was gut wrenching, but the sight of purple vomit for the very first time made me feel much better.
-I used to sing in the shower…until the microphone fell in the water.
-I think Chinese people squint cause rice is so small.
-I never joined the cross-country team cause I don’t like to run…and shit…California is really far away.
-I found a three and a half leaf clover the other day…now I only get beginners luck…sometimes.
-I went to England once…I didn’t find Thomas or his muffins anywhere.
-I keep a dead rabbit in my key chain…cause it’s like 4 times the good luck.
-I combed the beach the other day…I found 5 shells a crab and some dandruff
-I was in a debate with someone the other day so I decided to throw a curveball at him…he got a triple and 3 runs scored.
-Every other month while bored, I like to drive to upstate New York, look at nature, take a deep breath, and then urinate over the border and onto Canada.
-Brutus and the other guys should have shot Caesar; it would have been a whole lot simpler and cleaner than stabbing him that many times.
-My friend told me that he loves to watch cat fights cause they’re sexy…so I tried to imagine Garfield kicking the shit out of Hethclift…this did not turn me on.
-Some deaf people were protesting the other day…their signs said “iuodhibkjba”
-My pen fell and got stepped on…it writes in black and blue.
Before that it wrote in blood…I used it to sign stuff.
-Harvard students have concluded that there is a pause in conversation about every 20 minutes…………………………………………………see.
-Last night my suicidal friend was showing me this brand-new hemp necklace he…oh wait…never mind it was a noose.
-I think America should have a cool new slogan, something like:
America, fucking up the metric system for over 200 years
Or America, without us the Beatles would have sucked
Or America, our women shave their armpits and legs
Or America, making sure the French don’t speak German since 1918
Or Bienvenidos a los estados unidos…me llamos Andres
-I think a dyslexic person made my computer…I mean you really have to see how bad he fucked up my keyboard.
-Yesterday someone threw paint on my girlfriend’s fur coat…so I threw baby seal’s blood on them.
-Ants are amazing, they can lift up to 10 times their own weight, they build amazing constructions, and they work in groups…then again, I can step on them.
-The other day someone asked me if I was a virgin…NO…I’ve never even been to Virginia.
-I should talk about my situation with the ladies right now……..well that didn’t take that too long.
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COPYRIGHT NOTICE
© 2005 A Panos |
STORYMANIA PUBLICATION DATE
April 2005 |
NUMBER OF TIMES TITLE VIEWED
1997
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