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TITLE (EDIT)
How To Cash In On Your ‘Ailment Capital' |
DESCRIPTION
Right after the president won his re-election bid for the White House, he made an interesting comment. He said he was going to spend his "political capital" wisely.
At first, I did not understand what he was talking about, but then I began to think about it. All his work in getting re-elected won him a certain amount of influence with the people who helped re-elect him.
[926 words] |
TITLE KEYWORD
Humor |
AUTHOR
James Snyder |
ABOUT
THE AUTHOR
James L. Snyder is an award winning author and popular columnist living with his wife, Martha, in Ocala, Florida and can be contacted at jamessnyder2@att.net.
[October 2009] |
AUTHOR'S E-MAIL ADDRESS
jamessnyder2@att.net |
AUTHOR'S OTHER TITLES (15)
A Cup Of Joe Says A Lot About Us (Short Stories) This week I came face-to-face with a genuine dilemma. I had several meetings across town and for some reason I miscalculated and ended up with a 2-1/2 hour gap between meetings. I hate to waste time, ... [902 words]
A Page From Betty Crocker’S Cookbook (Essays) Recently, while sitting in my chair drinking the last of my breakfast coffee, a thought staggered into my mind. I must confess most thoughts are quite lonely once they enter my mind, but this one had ... [860 words] [Humor]
A Silent Night — Not At My House (Essays) People say, as they get older their hearing is not what it used to be. I have found this to be true for myself. The older I get, and I plan to get as old as I can, the more I hear noises in the middle... [895 words] [Humor]
Be Happy, Join The Wednesday Worry Club (Essays) Of all the people who know me, no one would say I am afflicted with worryitis. They may say other things about me, which may or may not be true, but that's another story. [918 words] [Humor]
Dead-To-The-World Man Walking (Essays) One morning this week, I woke up with a black eye. How I got it still baffles me. I have my suspicions, of course, but some things are better left to themselves no matter how lonely they may get. [891 words] [Humor]
If All Things Are Possible,” Why Can't I Balance My Checkbook? (Short Stories) For me, the most terrible time of each month is the day our bank statement comes. We commonly call it BSS (Bank Statement Syndrome). I don't know why it is, but I have trouble getting the parsonage ch... [904 words] [Humor]
In My House, If It's Broken I Bought It (Essays) Often a store has a sign with the warning, "You break it, you bought it." This is to keep people from carelessly handling the merchandise. I'm thinking of another sign, which should be posted all thr... [907 words] [Humor]
Malice In “I Wonder Who I Am” Land (Essays) For many years I maintained confidence in my personal identity. I knew exactly who I was and was quite comfortable in my skin. Although, I must confess my skin used to fit me better than it does these... [885 words]
Now That I'm Older, I'm Still Not Wiser (Essays) Now that summer is over and the children are back in school I found myself indulging in a little bit of retrospective thinking. It took some doing but I was able to think all the back to when I was a ... [883 words] [Humor]
Nurses, Bedpans And X-Rated Hospital Gowns (Essays) Tuesday last I awoke from my nightly slumber with terrific pain in my chest, much like an elephant break-dancing on my chest. It was painful just to breathe, but like the trooper I am, I shrugged it o... [923 words] [Humor]
Old Phil Propagated A Good Old Hoax (Essays) It began as all things begin n a long period of boredom with nothing exciting to do. Whoever said, “Idle hands are the devil’s workshop,” knew something of what they were speaking. [882 words]
The One Great Sermon That Got Away (Essays) Most people don't realize ministers are obligated to prepare and preach one great sermon in their career. In looking over my record of sermons, I noticed many "good" sermons, but an obvious lack in th... [886 words] [Humor]
Who Has The Greatest Job In The World? (Essays) I have, in my opinion, the world's perfect job. Just look at the evidence. I love people and I love God. I love talking to people about God and I love talking to God about people. Therefore, if you p... [963 words] [Humor]
‘And How Do We Feel This Morning?' (Essays) Without question, going to the hospital is teamwork from the time you arrive until you are wheeled out the front door. Everyone is working together for the common good of the patient, or at least a cr... [909 words] [Humor]
‘I'm Not A Christian, But I Play One On Sunday' (Essays) After more than three decades of church ministry, I have come to one unsettling conclusion. Actually, I've come to more than one conclusion, but this one is the most depressing. That conclusion is si... [890 words] [Humor]
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How To Cash In On Your ‘Ailment Capital'
James Snyder
How To Cash In On Your ‘Ailment Capital'
Right after the president won his re-election bid for the White House, he made an interesting comment. He said he was going to spend his "political capital" wisely.
At first, I did not understand what he was talking about, but then I began to think about it. All his work in getting re-elected won him a certain amount of influence with the people who helped re-elect him.
I never thought of it that way. But it got me thinking about my own situation, so I began evaluating my capital. It certainly wasn't in my checkbook.
Although I have lots of checks remaining, the bank insisted I didn't have any capital in my account. According to the bank, the only capital I had was in my name.
As I dug around in my life, I discovered I did earn capital and I needed to figure out how to spend it wisely.
The capital I'm talking about is my "ailment capital." My recent illness, which necessitated me going to the hospital, certainly had earned me some spendable capital. The more I thought about it, the more excited I became, almost like putting on a pair of trousers and finding a $20 bill in the front pocket.
I was anxious to begin spending my "ailment capital." After all, my illness had cost me quite a bit and represented a major investment on my part. So now, I intended to get some payback.
My first plan of action was to tell people about my illness. I had rehearsed my story and knew it well. However, it was then I ran up against a block wall. It rather caught me off guard, if you know what I mean.
The first person I met set my plan into action. Carefully I introduced the subject of my stay in the hospital. Much to my bewilderment, they immediately began postulating on their recent visit to the hospital. According to them, their stay in the hospital was much more serious than my stay in the hospital.
I slipped into the conversation, when I had the chance, that I experienced the worse headache while in the hospital.
"Headache?" They almost shouted to me. "You talk about headaches. I had such a severe headache that the nurse gave me enough pain killer to put 12 elephants out of their misery, and it never even touched my headache. The doctor told me that it was the worst headache he had ever seen in his entire life."
When they took a breath, I jumped in and mentioned how high my temperature was.
"High-temperature? You talk about high-temperature; my temperature was so high they had to put me in a tub of ice cubes for three days before my temperature even came down. The nurse told me that it was the worst case of high-temperature she had ever seen in her life."
By this time, I was becoming a little discouraged and wondered if I would ever be able to tell my story. Then I had a brilliant idea. I mentioned that while in the hospital I suffered a severe case of diarrhea. I could not imagine anybody trying to upstage someone with diarrhea. Boy, was I wrong.
“Diarrhea? Did you say diarrhea?" I slowly nodded my head in the affirmative.
"When I was in the hospital I had such a severe case of diarrhea that I stayed on the toilet for 30 days without getting up. My doctor told me it was the severest case of diarrhea he had ever read about."
By this time I despaired ever cashing in any of my "ailment capital." It seems such a shame for all that capital to go to waste. I thought I should give it at least one more try.
Refusing to quit just yet, when the next lull in the conversation came I was ready.
"When I came into the hospital," I chirped enthusiastically, "the doctor thought I was having a heart attack ..."
"Heart attack? Did I hear you talk about having a heart attack? Three years ago, they rushed me to the hospital because I was having a real heart attack. The ambulance driver didn't think he would get to the hospital in time."
If I thought he was done with this story, I thought wrong.
"My heart attack was so bad I had 17 bypasses. And it was so serious that when the heart surgeon opened up my chest my heart attacked him."
I gave up. It's a wise person who knows when he's been beat — and I've been beat.
"My doctor said," this person continued despite my obvious disinterest, "that my heart attack was the worse heart attack he had ever heard of in all the years of practicing medicine."
I suppose I'll have to bank my "ailment capital" and save it for a rainy day. Or at least, when I can find some unsuspecting person to tell my story to.
For me, the worst thing in the world is having something exciting to talk about and no audience eager to listen.
I must confess being a little discouraged when a thought hit me. I do have an audience.
The Bible declares, "Be careful for nothing; but in every thing by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known unto God. And the peace of God, which passeth all understanding, shall keep your hearts and minds through Christ Jesus." (Philippians 4:6-7 KJV.)
No matter what is on my mind at any time of the day, I have access to the greatest ears in the world. By pouring out my heart to God, He replaces it with peace. What a great deal.
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COPYRIGHT NOTICE
© 2005 James Snyder |
STORYMANIA PUBLICATION DATE
March 2005 |
NUMBER OF TIMES TITLE VIEWED
2010
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