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The Hopless Cynic: Masochistic Summer
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The Hopless Cynic: Masochistic Summer
The Robster takes a definitive stake forward in the ongoing battle of the sexes. Women beware, the Robster is on to your game. Dedicated to John Travolta, Olivia Newton-John, and the Happy Couple (you know who you are).
[1,219 words]
Robert G Hagans
I used to be a hopless romantic, your average Lloyd Dobler. But at 19, I'm re-evaluating my life. I am becoming a realist, more like a Rob Gordon. Niether optimistic nor pessimistic (well, I'll try) but sensible. The cosmic connection that I've spent my entire life looking for is probably still out there, I'm just no longer obsessed with finding it. And I'm happy about that. For once in the last year and a half, I'm happy... sort of.

I'm a writer mainly (short stories/screenplays) and an aspiring film maker. I am currently directing a film that I wrote called How to Escape a Black Hole . It's all about the hassles of living in a small town and feeling trapped within. I like to meet other film makers out there doing the same things I'm doing, so drop me a line sometime, ya hear?
[November 2002]
[email protected]
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The Hopeless Cynic: All That Glitters... (Essays) The Robster on love and relationships...watch your step ladies and gents. Here's to you EC. [995 words] [Comedy]
The Hopeless Cynic: Believing In Believing (Essays) Seems like a good time to submit this. It's not as coherant as some of my other works, but it's my most upbeat. Dedicated to Cameron Crowe, Tom Cruise and Charlie Cotterman. [1,395 words] [Motivational]
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There Is Hope: The Hopeless Cynic (Essays) Here's a follow up to my last. Enjoy it. The Robster strikes again. Dedicated to Charlie Cotterman and the man formerly known as EC Allen. [985 words] [Comedy]
The Hopless Cynic: Masochistic Summer
Robert G Hagans

Now there’s a term I’d thought I would never use. But after my most recent epiphany it seems more than appropriate. A revelation that, due to its shattering insight, changed the very nature of this article. Originally, I was going to bash women for all they were worth. Instead, I’m going to expose them for all they are. It may seem like I’m rambling as you read this, but trust me, all of the coming topics are related to one another.
It took me two months to figure this out. But then again, I am a male, and certain appendages and chemical imbalances often keep us from rational or sane thought. If I were smarter, I would’ve seen all this drama coming since senior week.
Try to understand. Everyone has their own metaphor for life (“Life is like a box of chocolates…,” etc, etc). My personal belief is that everyone's personal existence is a series of TV shows (that reflect the current stage of their life) broken up by summer movies and various mini series’. The type of TV show your life resembles is up to you. Could be a sit-com, or reality TV or a drama series, whatever it is, the theory works for me.
After my last failed relationship with a girl three years my senior, I figured that my summer movie should be filled with the usual: fun, films and flesh. Barbecues, babes and beer (not that I drink). Throw working in there somewhere and I was set for a phenomenal recovery summer, complete with my main objective: a not-just-summer romance with someone my own age. And if the end of my “high school series” indicated anything, it was that this would not be a problem.
And here I realize is where I made my mistake. I fell directly into the trap carefully laid out for me. Like a puppy chasing his tail, I just didn’t get it. There are different rules for this particular summer for those of us in my age bracket that I was ignorant of.
“So what are you going to do with your life?” people ask. I can hardly go outside to check the mail without someone asking me this question or one just like it. “You’re out of high school, what are your plans? College? Join the working week? Military service?” You have to do something; it’s a goddamned rule or something. “So you can join us in ‘The Real World,’” they say. (As opposed to the make-believe world I live in now) But we’re young, stupid, and we know everything, so it’s time for some of us to realize that we don’t, or to simply put away childish things. Time to grow up. For most of us (including myself), this means going off to college, a place of “infinite possibilities,” or so I’m told. (In my opinion it’s just another waste or money and another way to really avoid growing up. College is another 4-8 years of procrastinating for procrastinators to figure out “Gee, what should I do with my life?” All the while driving themselves deeper into debt) Herein lies the second problem.
You see, for the most part, women have been content with the selection of males in their immediate area (even though at 14 they were dating someone 24). But, always on the prowl for what they “might be missing.” The majority of the female species seems to view college as some sort of delicatessen for men. A place where they can find that which they think they’re missing. So the summer leaves those of you with the dominant X chromosome three months to close up shop, tie up all loose ends, and prepare yourself for that big ol’ buffet—I mean world out there.
“But wait a minute! If I am tossing aside my childish possessions, where does that leave my libido?” they ask. “I can look, but I can’t touch. Well let’s not go that far…how about touch, but not get attached. There, that’s good.”
Enter the summer hook-ups. Like I said, if I’d paid more attention to senior week, I would have realized that this was a summer more prone to drunken trysts than romance (Excluding my boy Charlie who got lucky and found the girl of his dreams. Good luck you two!). But my damn “Happily Ever After” syndrome blinded me to the truth. Enter The Rob: all around nice, funny guy, some even say charming. I of course am toast. I have way too many friends on estrogen for this to be anything but three months of severe torture. If I look back on it all, it’s mostly my fault. With my affinity for hanging out, easy-going nature, and sense of humor, I was a perfect target, I should have been more careful. But in my defense, I was getting mixed signals (as is always the case with women). I won’t go into specifics (that would shock you) but on the one hand it seemed to be harmless guy/girl teasing that was leading to other things, on the other hand they were just playing blatant head games designed to shock, confuse or (*gasp* hurt me.
The problem is that guys and girls have a hard time being friends. I have a lot of friends of the opposite sex. Maybe not so much after this article, but at the moment, I am not at a loss for female companionship, in a friendly way of course. And therein lies the problem. Most of these relationships are a farce of course; this charade, this dream, this out-and-out lie of nonsexuality. To quote Chris Rock, “Men don’t have platonic friends…they just have women they haven’t fucked—yet.” Which is not to say that every man is trying to get into the pants of all his friends bearing the dominant X chromosome. Some women you just wanna get to know, I’d be lying if I said there wasn’t a hint of sexual---interest shall we say. That comes with the territory of just being a guy. But some girls you just want to have a decent conversation with, the kind you can’t have with a guy who always wants to talk about sex.
Not this summer. Enter John Travolta and Olivia Newton-John in GREASE. It suddenly occurred to me, that’s all it was. Head games, lies and bullshit. “Summer lovin’ happened so fast…” and all that. Except for us nice guys, who don’t go for that. We have a different set of boundaries. Tease but don’t touch. So after banging my head against the wall trying to figure out where I stood with certain individuals (who will remain nameless), I realized that I didn’t even rate. It was nothing more than a distraction till they run off to some far away land to waste their parents’ money or just get out on their own. Oh well.
At this point I realize that any and all summer romance is a joke (excluding the happy couple) Enter the solution. Avoid em. Don’t be rude or ignorant. Remember that they have no real interest in you besides friendship (no matter how much skin they show or otherwise reveal) and try not to put yourself in those “compromising situations.” The simplest solutions are often the best. At least, I hope so.




"Well, you know I'll always support whatever crazy thing you decide to write. But I got a little defensive when it seemed you were beating up the guy and girl being friends thing. Since we finally established that's what we are or I have anyways. But hey it's just Rob and how he is. Gotta love him! One of the many female friends." -- Kris.
"Rob! I still totally hate women--oh shit, I am one, aren't I? Well, I hate me at times, too! <=o) As half of the Happy Couple, though, I believe that if it's meant to be, it is meant to be. The lack of time before the inevitable doom, college, should not be a barrier to love. I must agree that women do see college as a buffet, however. My roommates, for example, are already psyched that our floor is coed... As part of the horrible sex, I must admit that you read us well--this time, anyway! To all the unfortunate men who put up with women-- Watch out for the head games, the teasing...listen to the Robster!" -- Angie, Westminster, Maryland, US.
"rob another good view on relationships and growing up but the latter is something i never intend to do " -- Stills, towson, md, usa.
"good peice of writing. I believe that your overall statement is true to a point. but not all girls are like that first off all we know quite a few of them ourselves. Most importantly is that most of those situations you either made them worse, got yourself into them or just plain took it the wrong way. And for all you guys out their who are worried about head games just ignore them and rely on your gut instinct not your lower region instinct like the robster here" -- Ryan (Robs best friend, towson, md.
"AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH, follow every word of the given advice, don't get stuck in one of those God Damn platonic relation ships like me. I have liked this girl since I met her, in that time we have become like best friends yet at the same time had I never met her I would be a happier man. Don't get sucked in like me, because once you get sucked in you can never get out without a shitload of mental anguish. Without her I go bloody nuts, and being with her is just as bad." -- Curran Hughes (Belgian Guy), Towson, MD, USA.
"Well, that certainly was interesting. Further failure and rescue literature for the masses. Well written, too. The message, while being a little bit on the odd and, well, to say it honestly, pathetic, side, will certainly be appreciated by the audience, as will the abundance of witty references. In any case, I wish you the best of luck with whatever exploits lie in front of you, while I will gladly go and join the "male buffet" in order to "waste" more money so that one day I can actually make a difference, and not just dream of it. How is the moviemaking coming along. 'Til next time." -- Jan.
"MY ARMS FEEL LIKE RUBBER SUNSHINE" -- the druggie, towson, md, usa.
"MINE TOO MAN!!!!" -- THE OTHER DRUGGIE, towson, md, usa.
"Kid, I know you think all chicks are evil..but let's face it. You love me and you know it ;) Seriously though, you can't discount EVERY summer romance..because some do have happy endings (think R&J here!). And college is not a total waste of money either...I resent that since I'm bustin my pregnant ass trying to get through school ;) Your problem is, you meet all the wrong types of chicks. Once you get to college and are amongst the "buffet" as you call it, you might get surprised and find someone who'll treat you like I treat Jeffy ;) (I don't really think its possible that there could be anyone else *quite* like me in the world..but you can look). I still love ya...even though you are way too cynical for your age! " -- Rob's Sex Goddess , Michigan, USA.
"Rob, you're very correct. As usual. See, all you readers out there need to understand something...Rob is a big black man (just like me). We big black men are supposed to -always- be getting women, yet as you've read, that's not always the case. Therefore, women suck no matter what. Huzzah!" -- Uncle Yoda.
"Bro, you are awesome. I am missing my cynical carbon copy (sans that whole black thing you've been sporting) and you need to haul that jaded ass of yours out here to SF--my school has a killer film dept--and we'll sit around and complain in late-night diners like old times. I understand your personal justification for being so cynical but I have faith that you will someday find a chick who A) Actually deserves to be your girl (this will be a difficult one) and B) Can tolerate you, (Damn near impossible). Closing words...send me the shades right now!" -- Kriistal/Barbara (Rob's sis), San Francisco, CA.


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© 2001 Robert G Hagans
July 2001

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