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The Hopeless Cynic: All That Glitters...
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TITLE (EDIT)
The Hopeless Cynic: All That Glitters...
DESCRIPTION
The Robster on love and relationships...watch your step ladies and gents. Here's to you EC.
[995 words]
TITLE KEYWORD
Comedy
AUTHOR
Robert G Hagans
ABOUT THE AUTHOR
I used to be a hopless romantic, your average Lloyd Dobler. But at 19, I'm re-evaluating my life. I am becoming a realist, more like a Rob Gordon. Niether optimistic nor pessimistic (well, I'll try) but sensible. The cosmic connection that I've spent my entire life looking for is probably still out there, I'm just no longer obsessed with finding it. And I'm happy about that. For once in the last year and a half, I'm happy... sort of.

I'm a writer mainly (short stories/screenplays) and an aspiring film maker. I am currently directing a film that I wrote called How to Escape a Black Hole . It's all about the hassles of living in a small town and feeling trapped within. I like to meet other film makers out there doing the same things I'm doing, so drop me a line sometime, ya hear?
[November 2002]
AUTHOR'S E-MAIL ADDRESS
[email protected]
AUTHOR'S OTHER TITLES (10)
An Intimate Conversation With The Powers That Be (Short Stories) From the mind of the hopeless cynic, comes a very strange but brief look inside the male perspective, females should take a gander. Dedicated to Lea Van Cleef, and my sister Kriistal Tighe, who insipr... [1,070 words] [Comedy]
Fade To Light: In The Light Of A Shadow (Short Stories) This is the final chapter of the series. It ties up all the loose ends...for now. It also features the climatic battle between Jessica and Skye. [2,450 words] [Action]
In The Light Of A Shadow (Short Stories) A professional killer tries to escape her violent past...no one said it would be easy. This is just part One. I will post part 2 if I get good feed-back. [3,952 words] [Action]
In The Light Of A Shadow: Showdown In The House Of God (Short Stories) This is the second chapter in the seris about a professional killer tries to escape her past...she doesn't get very far. It is now followed by Fade to Light, the final chapter. [2,561 words] [Action]
Lock-In: A Teen Dramedy (Screenplays) From the person known as The Hopless Cynic, comes a script with a unique take on teen life, more specifically, previous events in my life. I hoped to immortalize it on film, but it was not to be. Enjo... [18,379 words] [Teenage]
The Hopeless Cynic: Believing In Believing (Essays) Seems like a good time to submit this. It's not as coherant as some of my other works, but it's my most upbeat. Dedicated to Cameron Crowe, Tom Cruise and Charlie Cotterman. [1,395 words] [Motivational]
The Hopeless Cynic: Let's Get Typical (Essays) It's been forever, but I thought it was time to make a comeback. My latest on the subject of women, love and relationships. Specifically, the first early warning system for guys to discover what type ... [2,288 words] [Comedy]
The Hopless Cynic: Masochistic Summer (Essays) The Robster takes a definitive stake forward in the ongoing battle of the sexes. Women beware, the Robster is on to your game. Dedicated to John Travolta, Olivia Newton-John, and the Happy Couple (you... [1,219 words] [Comedy]
The Hopless Cynic: The High School Experience (Essays) After a hiatus, the Robster is back, with a look back at High School. Dedicated to Charlie Cotterman, my beloved theatre class (plus Andy Stilling), J.D. Salinger, Zach Morris, and all the high school... [1,243 words] [Humor]
There Is Hope: The Hopeless Cynic (Essays) Here's a follow up to my last. Enjoy it. The Robster strikes again. Dedicated to Charlie Cotterman and the man formerly known as EC Allen. [985 words] [Comedy]
The Hopeless Cynic: All That Glitters...
Robert G Hagans

It's the same thing every time. Boy meets girl. Boy charms girl, then boy gets girl. Followed by, boy loses girl, boy is miserable, then boy gets girl back. This is the archetype for almost all stories, books, TV shows, pop songs, and movies you've ever seen or heard about relationships or romances between two people (anymore than that and it's just sick). Our society has glitter in their eyes and a soundtrack in their ears, so we're blinded to the horrifying, gut-wrenching truth: that this could never happen in real life.
The truth is romance, true romance, like the kind they spoon feed you in the movie theatre and on the boob tube is an unobtainable concept that has been doing irreparable harm to our psyches for as long as we can remember. I’ve been watching stories like these play out for years on TV. Cory chases Topagna throughout his high school career in Boy Meets World, or Kevin Arnold and Winnie Cooper in The Wonder Years, and of recent fame, the Ross and Rachel mania sweeping our generation on the less-than-stellar show, Friends. These type of romances don't exist, yet no matter who you are, or how immune you think you are, at some time in your life (if you haven't already), you'll find yourself chasing the storybook fantasy, deeply embedded in your subconscious. Trust me folks. I speak from experience.
I would consider myself to be a world class cynic. I knock everything from the elderly people to small children, teachers to students, politicians to prostitutes and so on and so forth. It's my life calling. I enjoy it, and it brings me great joy. Yet, when it comes to matters of the opposite sex, I am transformed into a big softy, a wussy if you will, engaging in behaviors that would be immediate grounds for loosing my He-Man Woman-haters club card. And it's all due to the fantasy—the delusion that secretly keeps me going. The hope, that one day, I'll meet some hot chick who's just as sarcastic and misanthropic as myself in the local video store checking out a copy of The Breakfast Club (be still my heart), or The Matrix (immediate grounds for a marriage proposal). She'll insult me, we'll fall head over feet (thank you Alanis Morrisette) in love, and we'll live happily ever after. Yeah, right. Pass the popcorn please.
How many times have you been in a relationship, where you think you're living out “The Dream”, only to be sideswiped by some issue in the relationship that you didn't see coming? The mental trip-up that comes from learning that everything does not have a sliver lining or a happy ending. And in the fall, off come the rose-colored glasses that have blinded you for so long to “The Truth.” You realize that you’ve been living a lie, a fairy tale, and now what you dream of is escape by any means necessary. You don't care who you hurt or who gets in your way; you want out, not now, but five minutes ago. You push, shove, and elbow your way out of the relationship, and in the aftermath, all you're left with is guilt for handling things so badly. It's not your fault; you been brainwashed—brought up to believe things that aren't true, and when you find this out, it's such a shock to your system that you can’t deal anymore. Don't worry, it happens to the best of us.
In a panic after a break-up of my own, I endeavored to break the vicious cycle that I’d been adhering to for so long. After ruling out Chinese water torture, counter-brain washing and electroshock therapy as plausible methods of erasing my own delusions from my so-called mind, I began to shop around for different solutions. For inspiration I turned to film, but one look at Sleepless in Seattle made me seriously reconsider electroshock therapy. By chance, I stumbled upon a diamond in the rough; a little film called High Fidelity, staring John Cusack. In the film, Cusack plays a man obsessed with music, who is dumped by his long-time girlfriend, and begins to reevaluate his life and past relationships to see where he went wrong. Identifying with the story immediately, Fidelity’s portrayal of “real life” relationships truly opened my eyes to my sugarcoated ideals. Like Cusack says: Relationships don’t have to be spectacular; they can just be “good…but really good.”
It’s not just the fantasy we’re going after…it’s what we think the fantasy leads to which is the cause of the problem. It’s that feeling, that chemical imbalance: with the magical feelings, butterflies in your stomach, and just random acts of sappiness crap. It wraps around the 10 percent of our tiny brains that we use until we are incapable of intelligent thought or rationale. The phrase “Fools in love” truly has meaning. Love, the four letter word that we have created for this psychosis, can be an actual and very literal drug, and once you come down off it, it can be more dangerous and harmful than crack or heroin can or will ever be to your system.
I've spoken to many friends who've had similar experiences to my own, and we're considering starting a support group for those of us who have what we call The Happily Ever After syndrome. This virus is rampant across the globe, but you won't find any Learning Channel in-depth reports on it, or even an after school special, because those are the people, feeding you “The Lie.” They want you to believe and to subscribe to their nightmare so you'll come back and watch when they manufacture another entry into the romance propaganda. Don't be fooled! It's not real! So remember this—the next time you think you've found “The One”, the answer to all your problems, make sure that the glitter in your eyes isn’t blinding you from all the bullshit that’s lying around.

 

READER'S REVIEWS (13)
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"It is very immature to write an essay bashing your ex just because you are bitter that she dumped you. You really need to grow up. You are not God's gift to anyone. You are just a dumb high schooler." -- kate.
" I agree with your idea about the "Happily Ever After Syndrome", but it isn't all bad. Once you get past it, you can see the world far more clearly. Also, being a cynic can be a two-edged sword; it can blur your thinking every bit as much as any of the sentimental crap you speak against." -- Caleb.
"rob rob rob whats with the downer of the story here the reason people buy in to the syndrome is the same reason for anything else they believe...b/c they want to believe i mean if you dont have that perfection to try to ascend to whats the purpose of living...just my opinion" -- Stills, towson, md, usa.
"I agree with you in many ways. But hey if you don't have love and have someone to love you then what's left in the world for you? I've had rough experiences of my own but love can be a wonderful thing if you let it take hold of you in the right way!" -- Kris.
"All that girls want to do is abuse guys. Every girl I've gone out with talks about how their exs treated them bad then I treat them great and they never want to go back out, why? They are all shallow and they deny it at least a guy has the guts to say he is a jerk when he is one. " -- Trent.
"Who cares? It's just a mad guy showing his anger & who makes sense when they're angry?" -- Harry.
"Well, anger in a relationship finally sees some sort of exhaust. Even though I was the one telling you that it would be a bit on the dangerous side, I actually had hope this time around. Ah well..hopeless romantic, I guess. Anyway, I must concur with Kate here, in saying that it is a bit on the immature side to describe an ex that way, if that was your intention. There would have been better ways to deal with it. " -- Janni.
"It's in poor taste to do this but I can and who cares? I am not angry at Kate or women in general in that matter.This article is merely my thoughts on my own hang ups about relationships due to my extensive background with movies, television, and pop culture in general. The "Happily Ever After" syndrome is my curse,but may also prove to one day be my salvation. And maybe Stilling and Kris are right...it's something to aspire to...or what elese have you got. I'm not angry, or dissapointed, or anything else you can think of that runs on that train of thought. I'm reflecting, which relates my ex gf in memory only, but this article is not about her. aspire to " -- Rob Hagans.
"Okay Rob, I actually read the essay. You have a lot of anger inside you that you need to deal with, seriously. You can give up if you want, but don't tell all of us dreamers out there how we should feel. Of course life is not going to be like movies; they are an escape from real life. I know that I will find that certain person that I'm supposed to be with. Just because we didn't work out is no reason to curse humanity." -- Kate.
"If your happy-ever-after romance doesn't last, it may be 50% her fault, but it's also 50% yours. The crux of the biscuit is that the fantasy promised us by society doesn't exist, real relationships are messy and take lots of hard work. They are, however, the most rewarding reason for living. They can only be achieved by sticking around, NOT running. When you ran, you created a pattern for yourself of never being satisfied. In reality, you will only find real, enduring love by staying around long enough to realize all relationships have cyclical ups and downs, but each time you hang in there through the bad, the good times become more frequent, and the love deepens. I have hope! You're young enough to find real love, not puppylust Romeo-and-Juliet pie-in-the-sky dreams. And when you do, don't ruin it by running away at the first test. It is the sticking through bad times that glues it all together. Good luck. " -- Clyde.
"Dude, Rob, you know my situation with that girl that you know as the Devil. Hell, you have never known me with out her, and you know how bad it's gotten, remember when I showed up at the cast party carying my fucking hub cap because I drove of the road at like 115 mph or so because I so fucking pissed, yeah. I understand entirely of what your saying, and hell yeah do I agree with it. I have been a patient of that support group many a time, this is for everyone who has not: The only support you get is a good old beat down for being a fool. Yes Rob has chased me from the Auditorium to the Science wing at THS, but I'm faster. The support group is an excuse to beat the shit out of people. If you need support go crash your car, you'll feel alot better, despite the whole money issue, damn capitolism. Well a word from the wise, if you get sucked in, ummm, well, enjoy a couple years of absolute hell." -- Curran (Yes, the Belgian), Towson.
"sign me in to the support group. we´ll chase the dealers, decreat the DRY LAW prohibing the traffic of the rose- colured drug and masturbate on porn to release our hard- ons. we´ll become travellers, find an isle to colonize- Love- myth- free- and write haiku poetry, then we´ll go to the desert, start a religion called LOVE ON POST- INDUSTRIAL TIMES, THE REALITY FOR THE NON- BELIEVERS and write our bible with parts of movies, Hemingway and Nietzche books. so what do you think" -- Jorge Freire.
"I wish there really was something to bring people out of this. I am constantly falling prey to one fantasy or another, and if I could be cynical all the time, I'd be better off. " -- Pearl.

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COPYRIGHT NOTICE
© 2001 Robert G Hagans
STORYMANIA PUBLICATION DATE
June 2002
NUMBER OF TIMES TITLE VIEWED
2134
 

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