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Did Ya? by Matt Tracy I wonder if anyone ever thought of any of the stuff I propose? [597 words]
Turning Fifty by Danny I. Spitler The author takes a reflective look at reaching the half century mark. [999 words]
The Morning Shower by Danny I. Spitler Does anyone else suffer these issues associated with the morning shower? [940 words]
Stranger To Myself by Omar Longoria “Look in the mirror. The face that pins you with its double gaze reveals a chastening secre... [1,225 words]
A Thanksgiving Monday by Danny I. Spitler The author has a reflective and enlightening evening following Thanksgiving. [809 words]
The Vaporeal Defecation Of A Mental Diarrheatic by Crazy Clown I just had so much fun writing the other two displays of inanit... [951 words]
The Unfortunate Homophobe by Crazy Clown An interspective on a homophobe who wishes he wasn't, and some ideas and opinions on ... [1,131 words]
The Demented Monologue Of A Downright Imbecile by Crazy Clown Another display of foolishness and inanity, from the one who can... [1,246 words]
The Bed by Danny I. Spitler The author gains appreciation for the consistency brought to his life by an inanimate object [791 words]
She's Just Relaxing by Danny I. Spitler She's just relaxing on the sofa; however..... [626 words]
Fathers And Sons And Baseball by Danny I. Spitler Three generations share an uniquely American experience. Opening Day. [1,078 words]
Well, Shit
Swimming With Sharks by Danny I. Spitler The author experiences an encounter with a large Lemon Shark in Tahiti [835 words]
Some Explanation Is In Order by Crazy Clown You might come to this title expecting a deep, philosophical, or thought-provoking... [447 words]
Ramblings Of A Crazy Dude by Michael Hunter hee hee. I can write whatever I want in here! bwa ha. Unfortunately, I can't thi... [629 words]
My Dog Opposes Communism by Tcn Actually submitted to a high school teacher. I guess I was feeling like a rebel at the... [862 words]
Free Food by Danny I. Spitler There's no such thing as a free lunch. Wrong. There is tons of free food, as this author points out.... [1,031 words]
Dragonball Z - Akira Toryama's Drug Trip? by Crazy Clown An essay worthy of the label of Crazy Clown, about the sheer ludicrou... [989 words]
A Place I'd Like To Forget by Tcn Another school piece. Writing about a grocery store job I held during the summer. I ... [898 words]
It's Wednesday by Danny I. Spitler The author reflects on his lover. [143 words]
Bruce Willis: One Of The Sexiest Men Alive by L Chapman - [176 words]
American Tale by Steven R. Kravsow "I stood behind the old man in the check-out line at the local convenience store. A navy blue Yan... [629 words]
Screw Common Sense by Michael Hunter It's a college essay thingy. I was just reading some sample essays and got an urge to write... [993 words]
Food Stamp Day by L Chapman - [247 words]
Cellular Consciousness: From Quantum Physics To Alternative Medicine by Lissa N Metz-Gomez A research paper linking quantum physics ... [1,660 words]
Why Do Some People Learn A Foreign Language So Easily Whereas Others Find It So Difficult? by J. Rodegheri Have you ever felt ... [2,257 words]
Think Before You Write by Richard Koss My observations, after reading the work of many aspiring young writers, prompted me to w... [988 words]
After The Rain - How The West Lost The East by Sam Vaknin An anthology of 180 previously published articles and essays regard... [11,318 words]
Philosophical Musings by Sam Vaknin More than 150 essays about various topics in current philosophy. The main emphases are on... [10,353 words]
Malignant Self Love - Narcissism Revisited by Sam Vaknin The Narcissistic Personality Disorder and Pathological Narcissism De... [5,066 words]
The Value Of Material Things by Jennifer Nobile Raymond This was an essay I entered for a contest in Ladie's Home Journal. [749 words]
Lime's Diary Of Madness by Lime a true story [782 words]
Whispering To Death by Lewd Muse Not quite sure why I wrote this. I just let my muse take control and saw what happened. E... [279 words]
The Lost Generation by Julia Riffle A short essay. [789 words]
The Debate Goes On by Clark G Curtis This is a personal look at the wonderful world of boxer shorts and jockey underwear and why ... [1,507 words]
On Art (II) - The Response Of The True And Artificial Artists To Inspiration by Erik The second of my essays on art. H... [1,058 words]
On Art (I) - The True Vs. The Artificial Artist by Erik This is the first of a collection in the making on my views abo... [1,373 words]
Getting A Free Lunch On Bay Street by Howard Freedman This is about freeloaders and annual corporate meetings... They ain't there... [756 words]
Colombia by Iveth Jaramillo A DEEP SELF-ANALYSIS OF A CHILD'S FEELINGS. [370 words]
No To The Death Penalty by Alejandro Dubois Arrese This is an essay saying why the death penalty should be illegalized in the United State... [314 words]
Adoptions by Juliana Carrillo An essay. [678 words]
Qualities Of The Perfect Teacher by Laura Méndez This is just kind of a personal essay of what I think are the qualities of the... [449 words]
Life by Carolina Arango - [591 words]
Global Vision by Iveth Jaramillo What I think all of us look like. [333 words]
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Oh Canada

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Well, Shit
A rather... interesting essay on the worlds worst waste. Requires a unique state of mind to enjoy properly.
[1,020 words]
Crazy Clown
Proud founder and president of Crazy Clown Productions (c)
[October 2000]
Dragonball Z - Akira Toryama's Drug Trip? (Essays) An essay worthy of the label of Crazy Clown, about the sheer ludicrousnessness of Dragonball Z. [989 words] [Humor]
Some Explanation Is In Order (Essays) You might come to this title expecting a deep, philosophical, or thought-provoking story; instead, you get this! It is an explanation of my rather unique writing style, by Crazy Clown. [447 words] [Humor]
The Demented Monologue Of A Downright Imbecile (Essays) Another display of foolishness and inanity, from the one who can do them best, Crazy Clown. Requires an altered state of mind to fully enjoy. [1,246 words] [Humor]
The Insane Ramblings Of A Complete Idiot (Short Stories) An essay on the insane ramblings of a complete idiot. Written by a complete idiot. Requires an altered state of mind to properly enjoy. [1,090 words] [Humor]
The Muse Keeps On (Short Stories) A tale of the joys and sufferings of the muse... [1,006 words] [Writing Resource]
The Test (Short Stories) My first publishing-worthy (at least I hope) short story, on the topic of what religion is, was, and what may become... [1,118 words] [Spiritual]
The Unfortunate Homophobe (Essays) An interspective on a homophobe who wishes he wasn't, and some ideas and opinions on homosexuality. [1,131 words] [Gay & Lesbian]
The Vaporeal Defecation Of A Mental Diarrheatic (Essays) I just had so much fun writing the other two displays of inanity that I just had to write a third. Depending on how much you like my works, this could be either wonderful or horrifying, your choice. -... [951 words] [Humor]
Vanquished (Short Stories) Death, Revenge, Death. Misery has gone full circle. [894 words] [Action]
Wrong, Wrong, Wrong! (Short Stories) When did being almost right, but still showing inderstanding of the question, be considered completely wrong? Wouldn't it be better to be smart then to simply be able to memorize? [566 words] [Mind]
Well, Shit
Crazy Clown

     Uugh... Oh... Ow... Oomph... God, that is annoying. I strain and strain, and nothing is
produced from it. I sit here, wasting my muscles, wasting my time, wasting in general. And still nothing results from it. What's the point? Surely, man has evolved enough to forgo this particular effort. Certainly nobody wants to do it; it is forced upon us by nature's raw sense of humor. What else would force something as advanced and intelligent as man to waste so much on something so disgusting and unnecessary?
Oomph... Urg... Ahhh... That was my worst shit ever.
     It is so ridiculous to imagine that so much of man's resources are frittered away for such an idiotic purpose. Consider; we have bathrooms in practically every major meeting and definitely every living location. Think of the space that could be saved by eliminating such useless actions? Doesn't anybody else find it ridiculous that we, as a species, actually waste time, effort, and resources to make at least one room in every house, mall, or school dedicated to excreting bodily wastes? And the plumbing- every
flush uses at least one gallon of normally usable water that could easily be routed somewhere more needing. All of this adds up considering that there are, in average, 327 toilet flushes every second. There are places that are in drought that could use our crap water to nourish their crops and end up feeding ourselves in the process. A win-win situation. If only we could attain it!
     Worse: The average person spends up to five minutes just sitting on the john every setting. At the average four visits a day, seven days a week, fifty two weeks a year, eighty nine years an average lifetime... this adds up to 640800 minutes, or 10680 hours, or 445 days, or 1.236 years just sitting on the throne, dead time. Think of what you could do in your life with an extra year? That is a hell of a lot of time! Every day you get an extra 20 minutes! All just so you can read the newspaper? Horrible!
     Let us examine the root of the problem; we need to shit. Why? Cells, from the very beginning, needed to enter food and release wastes. Air exchange- easy. Breathing is actually a quite enjoyable experience, especially after not being able to for an extended time. Ion exchange? Unnoticeable; few people even know what it is, much less how it is done or allot time to it. Food intake? All of mankind, especially Americans, eat for fun, the enjoyment of eating, tasting, experiencing food. Who do you know really, truly, enjoys the time on the can except for the rest allowed by the wasting of time?
Even those who can relax and rest on the can are numbered. Hundreds of Americans alone suffer from digestive problems, diarrhea, constipation (as you may have noticed...) and other debilitating diseases that do nothing but annoy, taking advantage of the useless crapping time to inflict suffering. No other group of organs are quite so easily effected. Any wrong decision in food choice, and Bam! You are groaning on the stool for a week. Fruit salad? No long breaks from the bathroom for you. Cheesecake? Good luck getting off with less then a sore asshole. Oh, yeah, did I mention that such problems have been directly linked to increased usage of obscenities? Well, if I didn't, that is because it is not true, but it could be, don't you think? So do I.
     After naming the numerous, ridiculous, and obvious reasons why taking a shit is the worst waste of time since insane asylums, you might either be concerned for my sanity and bowel condition or looking for a proposed solution. Well, since the first questions are to be left for the bold of heart to decide (They're coming to take me away, ha ha! They're coming to take me away!), I will attempt to answer the latter. Ever since that famous sheep, Dolly, we have known that genetic reconstruction and manipulation
are reachable goals, up for the taking. Beyond sheep and extra large breasts (oops... how'd that get in there?), genetics might just be able to solve our problem.
     My proposal is to genetically construct in every newborn child a combination compactor/condenser and disposal unit. The result would be a tiny pellet of odorless,
space-saving crap ejected through a new opening in the neck or arm region, somewhere more accessible in compliance with today's style of clothing then the ass, which is, more often then not, fortunately, covered up. This could easily be disposed of in a more conventional method, such as chucking it at your local congressman. Yes, you may be thinking that this may seem a bit unusual, odd, or the completely insane ramblings of a mentally imbalanced person, and you would be right; it would be a bit unusual, at least at
first, until more and more of the obsolete waste of technology, resources, time, and effort, bathrooms, would be torn down and replaced with something far more useful, like, say, the noble and ever-so-useful closets.
Well, that is what I say. What do you think? Oh, yes, keep in mind that I am holding a genetic crap-compactor/ejector prototype to the back of your skull, and that the number for comments and questions is 1-800-IMA-FREAK. Thank you for your time, and please endorse my idea to your local garbagemen. Well, that's it. Good-bye now. Ok, go away. Shoo. Buzz off.
... Are you still here? What, are you stalking me or something? (laughs nervously). You are, aren't you? Well, aren't you?!?!?! Answer me, God dammit! Oh... I know... Yes it is all clear, now... You want to assassinate me for my ideas! You are from the Shitting Sect of Albania, aren't you? I knew it! Well, I'd die before giving you the secret ingredient! Yes! I'll do it! I really will! I- Pop! ...Thud.

"... In local news, today, a man committed suicide with a device that fired a projectile of
what appears to be compacted... um... excrement... On to other news..."

     Your humble servant who will one day overthrow you,
Crazy Clown



"Um... I don't know if I am supposed to review my own works or not, but I just read this thing over, and... well, damn, I must have been high on something when I wrote that." -- Crazy Clown.
"Crazy Clown-- that has got to be one of the funniest essays I have ever read!! You may not have meant for it to be so cool, but your style and voice just make it even better, not to mention your great timing for humor. Keep it up! Maybe you could write another one like this when you're sitting on the john. Crap crap and awaaaaay!!" -- Samantha Carter, USA.
"... I am speechless. As a new author, I am utterly speechless at the sight of my first true review. I can't say thank you enough. I know you may have just meant to congratulate me for making you laugh, but I want to congratulate you for encouraging me more than anything I could have ever done. Thank you!" -- Crazy Clown.
"Crazy, you give a whole new meaning to the word shit, Have you ever thought about being a comic. That was funny, funny, funny. Now whenever I go to the bathroom I will laugh, laugh, laugh. Keep it up, and God bless freedom of speech" -- Janae D. Anthony, Huntsville, Alabama.
"Aw, I love you guys. Thank you so very much for your generous reviews. This was my first work here, although "The Test" was really my first story, but this is the work I got the most positive response from. Thank you!" -- Crazy Clown.
"This guy is insane! who would think of such a thing as having your poop come out of your arm, why would you even want that? Crazy wrote a good essay but the choice of topic was a little shaky." -- Nick Gentles, Normal, IL, US.
"I really thought you essay was very funny. I never knew people spent all that time on the toilet. Keep up the good (funny) work." -- Ora S. Sawyer, Chicago, Illinois, USA.
"Crazy Clown~ This was one funny essay that you wrote. I don't think I have ever read an essay on shit. But I love your sense of humor that you use and you keep the story interesting and something that you want to keep reading because it is so funny. You should definetely be a comic of some sort. Keep up the good work." -- Paige Siemion.
"Your essay was very interesting! How did you get the idea to write about something so strange. It was written well and made the reader laugh. The next time I go to the bathroom I will probably think about your crazy little essay." -- Sarah.
"They love me, they really love me! Honestly, thank you all for the praise. I really like this story, as it was my first one published, and I hope you all do too. I am pleased to have made you laugh. Anyway, I got the idea from my Health teacher in 9th grade; when he asked us what the worst waste of time was, to get to know us, he imparted upon us that unique answer, and an essay was born from it after years of forgetfulness. I just like to write about stuff that was never written about before, or at least not popularly. Finally, I just think that that would be hilarious as hell if it were to go into action. Don't you think? Consider all of the advantages!" -- Crazy Clown.
"When I was younger, I didn't comprehend that eating was linked to pooping. I thought it was just something that you had to do. It was gross and it smelled kinda funny. Your Essay was extremely amusing and wonderful to read I never thought that reading about shit would enduce to much laughter. Poop has always been a gross subject, but you have made it into a topic of humor and that envoke further discussion. Bravo! " -- Lessa, Normal, IL.
"Uh, ya. Sounds good. Where do you get your grass? I want some!" -- hairball82.
"Heeheehee... I like poo... Heeheehee... Woah... Where the hell did that come from? Anyway, I am really happy to hear so many great reviews. I love hearing feedback, and I hope to release some more liturature soon. Oh, and I get all of my weed from my 9th grade Health teacher." -- Crazy Clown.
"Haha! You're hilarious. I love all your stuff" -- Wolfa.


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© 2000 Crazy Clown
October 2000

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