www.storymania.com
Storymania Logo

 

 

Essays




Did Ya? by Matt Tracy I wonder if anyone ever thought of any of the stuff I propose? [597 words]
Turning Fifty by Danny I. Spitler The author takes a reflective look at reaching the half century mark. [999 words]
The Morning Shower by Danny I. Spitler Does anyone else suffer these issues associated with the morning shower? [940 words]
Stranger To Myself by Omar Longoria “Look in the mirror. The face that pins you with its double gaze reveals a chastening secre... [1,225 words]
A Thanksgiving Monday by Danny I. Spitler The author has a reflective and enlightening evening following Thanksgiving. [809 words]
The Vaporeal Defecation Of A Mental Diarrheatic by Crazy Clown I just had so much fun writing the other two displays of inanit... [951 words]
The Unfortunate Homophobe by Crazy Clown An interspective on a homophobe who wishes he wasn't, and some ideas and opinions on ... [1,131 words]
The Demented Monologue Of A Downright Imbecile
The Bed by Danny I. Spitler The author gains appreciation for the consistency brought to his life by an inanimate object [791 words]
She's Just Relaxing by Danny I. Spitler She's just relaxing on the sofa; however..... [626 words]
Fathers And Sons And Baseball by Danny I. Spitler Three generations share an uniquely American experience. Opening Day. [1,078 words]
Well, Shit by Crazy Clown A rather... interesting essay on the worlds worst waste. Requires a unique state of mind to enjoy pr... [1,020 words]
Swimming With Sharks by Danny I. Spitler The author experiences an encounter with a large Lemon Shark in Tahiti [835 words]
Some Explanation Is In Order by Crazy Clown You might come to this title expecting a deep, philosophical, or thought-provoking... [447 words]
Ramblings Of A Crazy Dude by Michael Hunter hee hee. I can write whatever I want in here! bwa ha. Unfortunately, I can't thi... [629 words]
My Dog Opposes Communism by Tcn Actually submitted to a high school teacher. I guess I was feeling like a rebel at the... [862 words]
Free Food by Danny I. Spitler There's no such thing as a free lunch. Wrong. There is tons of free food, as this author points out.... [1,031 words]
Dragonball Z - Akira Toryama's Drug Trip? by Crazy Clown An essay worthy of the label of Crazy Clown, about the sheer ludicrou... [989 words]
A Place I'd Like To Forget by Tcn Another school piece. Writing about a grocery store job I held during the summer. I ... [898 words]
It's Wednesday by Danny I. Spitler The author reflects on his lover. [143 words]
Bruce Willis: One Of The Sexiest Men Alive by L Chapman - [176 words]
American Tale by Steven R. Kravsow "I stood behind the old man in the check-out line at the local convenience store. A navy blue Yan... [629 words]
Screw Common Sense by Michael Hunter It's a college essay thingy. I was just reading some sample essays and got an urge to write... [993 words]
Food Stamp Day by L Chapman - [247 words]
Cellular Consciousness: From Quantum Physics To Alternative Medicine by Lissa N Metz-Gomez A research paper linking quantum physics ... [1,660 words]
Why Do Some People Learn A Foreign Language So Easily Whereas Others Find It So Difficult? by J. Rodegheri Have you ever felt ... [2,257 words]
Think Before You Write by Richard Koss My observations, after reading the work of many aspiring young writers, prompted me to w... [988 words]
After The Rain - How The West Lost The East by Sam Vaknin An anthology of 180 previously published articles and essays regard... [11,318 words]
Philosophical Musings by Sam Vaknin More than 150 essays about various topics in current philosophy. The main emphases are on... [10,353 words]
Malignant Self Love - Narcissism Revisited by Sam Vaknin The Narcissistic Personality Disorder and Pathological Narcissism De... [5,066 words]
The Value Of Material Things by Jennifer Nobile Raymond This was an essay I entered for a contest in Ladie's Home Journal. [749 words]
Lime's Diary Of Madness by Lime a true story [782 words]
Whispering To Death by Lewd Muse Not quite sure why I wrote this. I just let my muse take control and saw what happened. E... [279 words]
The Lost Generation by Julia Riffle A short essay. [789 words]
The Debate Goes On by Clark G Curtis This is a personal look at the wonderful world of boxer shorts and jockey underwear and why ... [1,507 words]
On Art (II) - The Response Of The True And Artificial Artists To Inspiration by Erik The second of my essays on art. H... [1,058 words]
On Art (I) - The True Vs. The Artificial Artist by Erik This is the first of a collection in the making on my views abo... [1,373 words]
Getting A Free Lunch On Bay Street by Howard Freedman This is about freeloaders and annual corporate meetings... They ain't there... [756 words]
Colombia by Iveth Jaramillo A DEEP SELF-ANALYSIS OF A CHILD'S FEELINGS. [370 words]
No To The Death Penalty by Alejandro Dubois Arrese This is an essay saying why the death penalty should be illegalized in the United State... [314 words]
Adoptions by Juliana Carrillo An essay. [678 words]
Qualities Of The Perfect Teacher by Laura Méndez This is just kind of a personal essay of what I think are the qualities of the... [449 words]
Life by Carolina Arango - [591 words]
Global Vision by Iveth Jaramillo What I think all of us look like. [333 words]
Friends Are Forever by Adriana Garcia An essay. [991 words]
Poem Analysis by Ana Lucia Mora An essay. [807 words]
Cloning by Federico Rivera Burrowes An essay. [651 words]
An Education Problem by Juan Jose Duran Talks about how important it is to educate children. [317 words]
Rocky by Ana Torres - [436 words]
Evil Vs. Goodness by David Valencia - [217 words]
Jewels Of Joy - Life's Little Glories by Abigail I Copuyoc - [468 words]
Freedom by Maria Camila Bernal An essay. [786 words]
A Tour Through Colombia by Juliana Carrillo - [425 words]
Ironic by Juliana Carrillo - [1,456 words]
Songs From My Attic by Steven R. Kravsow While rummaging through my attic, I discovered a box of old sheet music from the turn of th... [1,878 words]
Pride by Erik This is the first of what is intended to be a collection of essays revolving around the Seven Deadly Sins... [1,469 words]
A Dream by Lawrence Vaduva Sometimes dreams are so close to reality it's hard to tell the difference.... [1,005 words]
Intolerance by Erik This is an essay about intolerance, prejudice, and other mad things which should not exist in socie... [1,525 words]
The Girlfriend Before I Lost My Virginity by Jimmy Hap This is a short Essay dedicated to the last innocent realationship an... [483 words]
Remembering Jamie by Jennifer L O'callaghan Thoughts following the unexpected death of an old friend [793 words]
Dragons, A Collection by Gary Bolstridge Dragons - The belief in dreams and inspiration must be encouraged in everyone. [231 words]
Paths To Take, Decisions To Make by A C Christine An essay about deciding on life's many trying ways that can confuse and astoun... [209 words]
Coffee With a Side of Greatness
A Slice of Hope
Saying Goodbye...
...Arawak Language
Hibiscus
Suomi (Finland)
Cuban Wall
The Child That I (Never) Knew
Thoughts on Mothers
Oh Canada

Go to page: 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 [11]
TITLE (EDIT)
The Demented Monologue Of A Downright Imbecile
DESCRIPTION
Another display of foolishness and inanity, from the one who can do them best, Crazy Clown. Requires an altered state of mind to fully enjoy.
[1,246 words]
TITLE KEYWORD
Humor
AUTHOR
Crazy Clown
ABOUT THE AUTHOR
Proud founder and president of Crazy Clown Productions (c)
[October 2000]
AUTHOR'S OTHER TITLES (10)
Dragonball Z - Akira Toryama's Drug Trip? (Essays) An essay worthy of the label of Crazy Clown, about the sheer ludicrousnessness of Dragonball Z. [989 words] [Humor]
Some Explanation Is In Order (Essays) You might come to this title expecting a deep, philosophical, or thought-provoking story; instead, you get this! It is an explanation of my rather unique writing style, by Crazy Clown. [447 words] [Humor]
The Insane Ramblings Of A Complete Idiot (Short Stories) An essay on the insane ramblings of a complete idiot. Written by a complete idiot. Requires an altered state of mind to properly enjoy. [1,090 words] [Humor]
The Muse Keeps On (Short Stories) A tale of the joys and sufferings of the muse... [1,006 words] [Writing Resource]
The Test (Short Stories) My first publishing-worthy (at least I hope) short story, on the topic of what religion is, was, and what may become... [1,118 words] [Spiritual]
The Unfortunate Homophobe (Essays) An interspective on a homophobe who wishes he wasn't, and some ideas and opinions on homosexuality. [1,131 words] [Gay & Lesbian]
The Vaporeal Defecation Of A Mental Diarrheatic (Essays) I just had so much fun writing the other two displays of inanity that I just had to write a third. Depending on how much you like my works, this could be either wonderful or horrifying, your choice. -... [951 words] [Humor]
Vanquished (Short Stories) Death, Revenge, Death. Misery has gone full circle. [894 words] [Action]
Well, Shit (Essays) A rather... interesting essay on the worlds worst waste. Requires a unique state of mind to enjoy properly. [1,020 words] [Humor]
Wrong, Wrong, Wrong! (Short Stories) When did being almost right, but still showing inderstanding of the question, be considered completely wrong? Wouldn't it be better to be smart then to simply be able to memorize? [566 words] [Mind]
The Demented Monologue Of A Downright Imbecile
Crazy Clown

     Finally, I've figured out why nobody bought my crap-matic compactor/disposer unit. At first, I thought that it was because the moon was out, and my rabid quacking entranced so many people that they were too busty busy to buy anything. Then I realized that I may have sold a million units, but my other personality sold them. I do all the sales. Actually, I do them, I just tell my self that I sell them. This otherwise normal conversation inevitably ends up comparing my works of art to things that occur in nature, like carpet stains and motorcycle accidents, so we I change the subject. My, isn't schitsophrenzia
fun? We sure enjoy it!
     Finally, I return to the topic at foot. Nobody bought my wonderfully huggable (just watch out for the switches... now that is something I don't recommend humping hugging!) crap compactor units because I didn't have good enough marketing! I suppose the sanity of my argument was just too much for those poor souls at McDonalds to absorb all at once; I really must learn to speak slowly and into the microphone, or else they get real uppity at my jumping through the drive-through window and de-bowling them with a bloody, urine-stained spork! Ahahahaha!... Breath, now... All better... Uncle Sperminator
always told me that poppin' Riddlin pills plays hell with my sperm count. All the better, so I can reproduce! Bwahahahaha! Oops, there I go again. I'd better catch up with myself or I have to call the vet.
     Finally, I get to the point of the spork essay, where I say something profoundly profound about the ridiculous amount of advertisements in the world today. They are everywhere, bombarding us with needless information and countless mind-numbing jingles designed specifically to drive us insane... a.k.a. yours truly. I don't call myself
Crazy Clown for everything! Oh, yes, the point... There is not enough advertisement in the world! Why, just a few years ago, in the early nineties, Pizza Hut considered a plan to beam an enormous, bright image of their logo onto the moon with a gigantic laser, and you know the crazy part? They scrapped the puppy project because it was too expensive! Can you believe it? I can't sporkin' believe it! Imagine the money they would have made
in the lawsuits from astrologrophers! After denying that their logo is on the moon, the would quickly blow the heads off of the jury with the giant laser, and say that the decapitated corpses couldn't see it either, and when there is no response, they would win the lottery! Hooray!
     Finally, we have reached the point of the spork where I switch to another completely ridiculous, ludicrously fast speeded topic of the day! Now lets all put on our thinking shoes, and consider the following (echo, echo, echo...): Is plagiarism really wrong? I meat, is there really an original thought? I didn't think so, and I'm not the first person to think that, neither! Of course, you could think a random combination of what second you will die, what you had for lunch, the smell of rotten egg salad, and the touch of fake strap-on gonads on naked buttocks, and create a truly unique thought, but now that I've just suggested it, it goes under the category of "unoriginal," and I own it and have all of the rights therefore. By this logic, I've thought of you before you did, at this very moment, so I own you. Now bow before me, slave!
     Finally, of course, since President Gettysburg gave the Washington address at Lincolntown, Oregon, slavery was at once and for all eternity declared legal in Mexico, (where you can buy fake strap-on gonads for $5!) so we are all slaves of one harsh, crazy, despotic dictator- our own minds. Have you ever tried to reason with yourself? Huh? Have you ever got in an argument with your conscience and both lost? Have you ever gotten lost in thought, find Nirvana, then are rudely awakened to find that you had just grabbed the construction worker's ass on the elevator in your elevated state of consciousness and he is now pummeling your eggshell skull against the sidewalk with a rubber mallet? I sure have, and boy, was it a laugh riot! For everybody in the parole office who had to listen to my explanation for my brutal murder of President Reagan... damn teddy bear, kept telling me what to do... Must... Kill... Scooby Doo!
     Finally, hasn't anybody else noticed how the mystery van is their real home, since they are homeless, druggie hippies, with a dog that they think talks, a guy who can eat incredible amounts of food under the influence of the munchies caused by the hallucinogenic hash-brownies that are scooby-snacks? I didn't think so. Why else would the smurfs be blue, and the snorks have a dick sticking out of their heads, and they all use
the word of their names to describe practically damn everything! Bah! I'm going hairy! I look in the sink for lost hairs, and I find that my normally bald scalp (shaved for ease of electro-shock therapy) has a soft, green fuzz on the parts where there is direct sunlight! Bwahahahaha! Take that, Rogaine users! Bwahahahaha, I say, bwahahahaha! Be sure to use that insane-asylum patented, high-pitched hysterical squeal when you recite this essay
aloud to your shocked and confused grandparents in that hellhole of a hellhole you call their nursing home!
     Finally, I am finally able to say finally about being able to say finally about being able to say finally about being able to day finally about being able to say finally about being able to say finally about being able to say finally about being able to say finally about being able to say finally about saying no to condoms! That's right, what is more important an issue to you, the average committed felon and housewife; the continued satisfaction and sensitivity during sexual intercourse which I did not had with that
woman, or the uncontrollable explosion of the homeless, poor, and unfed and ungoing to be fed population? The answer is clear. I cheated, and made one choice easier then the other. Down with condoms! Up for contraceptives, like murder, or lethal injection, or hatchets, or self-circumcision, or circumferences, or Oreos! Yes, Oreos, the seed of all evil.
     Finally, I come to an end. Although this has been torture to the soul to ramble incessantly about nonsensical and bizarre topics in ludicrous writing styling where grammar problems abound, grammar problems abound, and grammar problems
abounded, I am afraid that our time has come up. I must now go back into the world of the underworlder playing the part of an overworlder who is really a lowest-worlder in love with a highest-worlder. Not to hard, nothing simple for me! Let the hills ring out the hymns of torturous screams and the belabored typing of a downright imbecile of the third kind.
     Finally.

(S.P.- I hope you have stayed with me so far. Although you gain nothing except a possible migraine for reading this essay in its entirety, I have definitely released some mounting pressure on my life in this thankfully nonviolent form of expression. My parole officer said that this would be an excellent way of relieving the weight of the thirteen casualties at the spork incident from my shoulders. Aren't you excited to imagine that I maybe out in a few weeks?)

     Your humble servant who will one day overthrow you,
          Crazy Clown

 

Submit Your Review for The Demented Monologue Of A Downright Imbecile
Required fields are marked with (*).
Your e-mail address will not be displayed.

Your Name*     E-mail*

City     State/Province     Country

Your Review (please be constructive!)*


Please Enter Code*:

Submit Your Rating for The Demented Monologue Of A Downright Imbecile

Worst     1     2     3     4     5     6     7     8     9     10     Best

COPYRIGHT NOTICE
© 2000 Crazy Clown
STORYMANIA PUBLICATION DATE
October 2000
NUMBER OF TIMES TITLE VIEWED
1824
 

Copyright © 1998-2001 Storymania Technologies Limited. All Rights Reserved.