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Dragonball Z - Akira Toryama's Drug Trip?
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Dragonball Z - Akira Toryama's Drug Trip?
An essay worthy of the label of Crazy Clown, about the sheer ludicrousnessness of Dragonball Z.
[989 words]
Crazy Clown
Proud founder and president of Crazy Clown Productions (c)
[October 2000]
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Dragonball Z - Akira Toryama's Drug Trip?
Crazy Clown

     Hi everybody, my name is Joe (Welcome, Joe!) and I have been watching Dragonball Z for three whole months...
     If you have ever seen an episode of Dragonball Z, created and propegated by Akira Toryama, raise your hands. Ok, the two of you who raised your hands, you can put them down. Now, for the twenty million who didn't, here is a basic description: really, REALLY strong cartoon people flying around, blowing things up, and slapping each other silly. In essence, the things hallucinogenic trips are composed of. Who has seen
"Half Baked"? Well, then you know what I'm talking about.
     In a long, ridiculous, and nonsensical plot, the second of three, there are aliens who protected the earth even though they were sent as children to destroy it and end up having children who end up saving the earth even more times, using the power of their monkey tails to transform into gigantic apes, and turning blond to kill everybody. Anybody confused yet? They also go to alien planets, meet transforming bad guys (always transforming- if you don't transform, you are not a hard enemy!), and have their hair get even blonder and longer every time they get pissed off. Does this remind any older readers of the 60's and 70's hippie recreation?
     The weirdest part (although there are a lot to chose from) is how ridiculously powerful the drugee- I mean creator... made these guys. With a blink of an eye, Freeza (a transvestite lizard-thingy) transforms a mountain range into a gigantic explosion of bright light. With a point of a finger or two, that same transvestite and Vegeta (razor-sharp pointy head) destroyed entire planets. Kinda' makes you worry what happens when these guys play "pull my finger," doesn't it? Cell, another lizard-like guy, creates craters in
whatever he comes near just by the sheer vibes around this guy. He just floats up an entire television studio skyscraper, creating gigantic craters and then holes in each of the floors just by getting near them!
     That is another thing. Apparently, everybody flies. Seriously, you don't have to be alien or anything, these guys can just fly. Even a few normal humans have been taught to fly! Wouldn't it be just peachy if everybody could soar like a 737 every time we sat down and focused, like shittin' on the john? Could you imagine seeing the first guy discovering that he could float off the throne whenever he read the newspaper? Seriously, Akira Toryama must have been high when he thought that crap up. So, lets review: these guys are so powerful if they take a shit it blows a hole in the earth the size of the moon, and
they can chase down Voyager in orbit around Jupiter and be back before you can say the word hamster. Sure, that is normal. Everyday shit like Piccolo (another freak of nature- looks like a little green man of Roswell fame) destroying the moon happens all the time. This is just fucked up.
     Even the characters, powers aside, are hallucinatory. There is a couple of guys with monkey tails, a few lizard things, a gay three-eyed guy and his partner, what appears to be a living clown doll. Every moment is a study in psychedelic trips, I tell you. Some kind of fungus was in mind, literally, when these guys were thought up. The freakiest one of them all is a horny monk who has six spots on his bald forehead and no nose- and this guy is supposedly human, as is the three-eyed man and the pale midget. Plus, in the entire world, there are talking, citizen-like dogs and cats, and dinosaurs that aren't extinct. These guys smokin' that wacky weed, I tell you.
     In every battle scene, you see things blowing up, with nuclear force, and these guys just shit and grin it off. And you wonder why Namek exploded? Oh, wait you wouldn't- you have no friggin' clue what that is, do you? Well tough nuggets- if you want to know what the hell these guys are hallucinating, you'll just have to smoke their shit along with them. These guys are so messed up that they shoot day-glo crap out of their hands that explodes on contact! Wouldn't that be something to put on your resume? I
could just see it now, "Oh, yeah, I can make stuff explode by thinking about it. Now give
me a job or I point my finger at your nuts and blow up your chances of ever having
grandchildren." Wouldn't that be an instant success story?
     All things considered, there is only one question left. What the hell were these guys smoking? Now, there are numerous available hallucinogenics, (resulting in talking dogs and gay, three-eyed humans) uppers, (energy blasts) downers, (exploding planets) and assorted fungi with a miriad of effects (the fact that there were three series). Any one, or a combination of these could have been the brain parents of the entire series.
     The final part of this smorgasbord of mind-bending drugs is the fandom. Dragonball Z alone has millions of loyal fans. My theory? subconscious, hypnotic messages embedded in each and every energy blast telling you to watch more and more. And using this method, the king of this evil empire, Akira Toryama, is raking in more
and more of our hard-earned money that could be far better spent on pornography.
     Dragonball Z has playing cards, trading cards, one-inch action figures, twelve-inch
posable "collectors" figurines, posters, door-covers, cloth wall-tapestries, Burger King,
Blockbuster and other sponsorships, shirts, manga, movies, a continuing series on the nation's most popular children's' cartoon network and two others in Japanese and Spanish, and thousands upon thousands of webpages. All this for a drug-induced hallucination that is sweeping the country. And what is the latest acquisition of this Japanese cult phenomenon?

     My support. I'm proud to say I am a DBZ fan.

     Your humble servent who will one day overthrow you,
          Crazy Clown



"I agree." -- Tyrant.
"Hmmm... The shortest review I've ever recieved! Seriously, though, this was not one of my favorite essays. People who don't know what DBZ is have no clue what's going on, and those who do have heard it all before. Oh well." -- Crazy Clown.
"If you've been watching DBZ for 3 months, I dare to say you haven't seen all the sagas... am I right? In Portugal, I watched DBZ for 4 years or so... Accidentally, I caught the first episode. Oh the empathy!... The shear joy of it! Everything you say is pretty much accurate. And this goes to all the DBZ fans out there. Our admiration for DBZ may get us some cross-eyes... but it tastes fucking good." -- Carrilho, Lisboa, PORTUGAL.
"Ok, ok, you talked me into it. I confess! I was really a DBZ fan for much longer then that, probably my third or fourth year by the time this essay was written. Therefore, yes, I have seen all of the aired-in-US sagas, plus a couple in Japanese, and some in Spanish. I know pretty much everything that goes on in all of DBZ. Oh, and the first episode was great! It was a fantastic, action-packed start for the entire rest of the series! I love DBZ, and I hope you do too." -- Crazy Clown.
"Great, now I change my mind. I really have outgrown DBZ, but not the dozen shirts I bought, nor the deck of cards, nor the posters. What am I going to do now? Everybody thinks I am obsessed, when I haven't seen a show in months and don't even look at the posters anymore! I don't want to throw away prefectly good shirts and posters and cards just because the display an outdated appreciation for a show I no longer enjoy! Arg!" -- Crazy Clown.
"I wanted to tell you that it was real that clown Akira got the saiyan history book the history book is about as big as a ps2 box and its real except for the stupid naked bulma pics or android18 naked pics that drug man Akira shity added a lot of gunk that was not in the history book like when i went to a website about Akira Toriyama the gay smoker and he wrote a script about that kakarot and chichi his wife made..............well you get the idea he even had pictures like when gogeta did it with bulma and chichi all fake it said nothing about that in the history book know it was real except the stuf Crazy Clown added frieza couldnt destroy a mountain just by looking at it fake the Clown added it all know the history of saiyans didnt end at GT it was supposed to continue but the clown saw that he mixed it up about how much stupid stuff he added and so he locked the book away it rally happened long long long long long long ago." -- vegeta, Buena Park, California, United States.


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October 2000

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