Wall Street Man, A Fable Andrew Porter, insurance exec Walked up to the door of the shack He was here to deny an insurance claim And he feared there'd be plenty of flack A couple wanted a million And they just refused to take "No" Now they were threatening "LAWSUIT" So Andrew just had to go He didn’t tell his colleagues Or anyone else he had gone Then he could boast of his triumph When returned to his office alone He drove down from Wall Street to Georgia To tell them ‘Forget your big plan If you think I’ll give you a million Then you’re talking to the wrong man!’ He left his Lexus and made his way Through the slime and the greasy dirt He held on to his briefcase and cell phone And straightened the cuffs of his shirt Dressed to the nines in his pinstriped suit, With his briefcase, and black polished shoes His professional, confident manner that said 'I'm controlling this talk with you!’ ‘How can anyone live like this? They really have nothing to lose On the phone they were friendly this morning But I guess they won’t like my bad news!’ The door opened up, and there stood Bubba His hand reached out; he said 'Hey' His wife, named Bertha said 'Come on in! It sure is a beautiful day...' 'But wait Mister Porter, 'cause we have rules and our guests gotta follow 'em too Now you can't come in to our home as long as you're wearin' them socks and shoes...' 'My shoes?' said Andrew, embarrassed, surprised 'But my dignity? What about that? ' 'Leave it outside with those fancy shoes AND socks, then we'll have our chat! ' ‘But I just had them polished’ cried Andrew ‘I CAN’T take them off. It’s unjust! You have no RIGHT to do this! I MUST keep my shoes on! I MUST!’ Bubba looked him up and down And grinned with a touch of spite He looked like the type who if challenged Would put up quite a fight Porter shook his head, and argued and said 'But this is absurd! ' 'Sorry - bare feet are all we allow. Now don't say another word! ' ‘You’re in Bubba country, not in New York And we do things different down here Now lose those shoes’ said Bubba His grin went from ear to ear. The high and mighty executive Said ‘Please let me keep them on’ But when he saw it just wouldn’t happen He groaned but acknowledged they won He took off his Allen Edmonds Well polished, expensive and new And then his brand new Brooks Brothers socks Embarrassed, he took them off, too 'Now come on in, Mister Porter, sir! ! Make yourself comfortable! Now set right down on our sofa here Prop yer feet on the table! ' 'Oh, no - I couldn't do that! ' said the upper class businessman 'Put my feet on your formica table? ' But Bubba said 'YES! You can! ' ‘Ya gotta relax Mister Pinstripes! Ya just gotta swallow yer pride!' Up went his feet, but Andrew turned red He felt foolish and undignified 'And here is your beer, and NASCAR is on My feet sure itch! Mister Suit Those nice gold cufflinks sure would help... To scratch the itch on my foot! ' 'NO! ' snapped Andrew, with total disgust But Bertha grabbed both his sleeves She pulled off his monogrammed cufflinks 'It's time for me to LEAVE!’ ‘My cufflinks are used for my shirt cuffs GENTLEMEN know what they’re for! To use them to scratch is repulsive I wont stay here anymore!’ Then Mister Porter looked ‘round, "My phone, and the keys to my Lexus! My CAR! I put them down on the table here, but I don't know where they are?! ' Bubba grinned. ‘That fancy Lexus? You CAIN'T leave until we are through! Now approve our claim, Mister Porter, sir! We got some business to do! ! ' 'And my shoes and socks that I just took off They've disappeared from the floor!' Where have you put them?' cried Andrew "They were right there by the door!' 'Those city boys shoes shined up so nice? Those socks? Don't be thinkin' bout those They ain't right for a redneck meetin' In fact you got on the wrong clothes!' '’'Cause we have rules you gotta follow OVERALLS are all you can wear So lose that high and mighty suit Yer much too well-dressed! It ain't fair! ' ‘My CLOTHES!’ yelled a stunned Andrew Porter ‘I REFUSE to take my suit off! You force me to dress up in OVERALLS?! This is really MORE than enough!’ ‘You’re a city slicker’ said Bubba And we’re just a couple of hicks You got a fine education We’re as dumb as two bricks!’ ‘So we gotta do somethin’ to even things out So we ain’t so different from you That suit you’re wearin’ is just too fancy But we’ll fix you up like new!’ Andrew was very angry He stomped and he yelled and he seethed ‘You people have TRAPPED me HERE!’ he cried ‘Give me my shoes and my keys!’ Bertha said ‘Look here Mister You owe us PLENTY of cash Say yes – go back to your office Say no – we make you white trash!’ ‘The police will be looking for me!’ said Andrew ‘I’m sure even now they’re quite near!’. Bubba said ‘But you told me That nobody knows you’re here’ ‘You mean I’m a hostage!’ yelled Andrew Bubba just grinned and said ‘Sure! A million dollar barefoot hostage ‘Cause we’re tired of bein’ so poor!’ ‘We got some negotiatin’ to do That’ why you made your trip! Now I’m sick of your whinin’ and cryin’ I got one word for you – and that's STRIP!’ No one on Wall Street had ever dared To speak like this toothless bum Andrew muttered ‘I’m trapped Why oh why did I come!’ ‘I can’t give them a million It would ruin my career My Wall Street reputation The company too – that is clear!’ So Andrew knew he was beaten He stripped off his suit, tie and shirt Replaced them with overalls - overalls! Wrinkled and covered with dirt 'But I won't say yes to your claim! Oh no! ! ! You can take my clothes and my car! You have never met Andrew Porter before! Executive Superstar! ' 'That's fine' said Bubba 'We'll see in time We'll just have to wait for a YES...' And sure enough, day after day after day They put Andrew to their test While sleeping they gathered his mirror-shined shoes Silk socks, Rolex, cell phone and keys Suspenders, tiepin and silk necktie ‘He sure won’t be needin' these!’ In the pocket of his beautiful suit They found his wallet as well In his Lexus they found his laptop open With the password: they simply pressed 'sell' Like redneck vultures they searched with the goal Of changing the Wall Street suit Into a bona fide bubba They continued to search and loot Andrew Porter had planned that night To stay at the finest hotel His Lexus was filled things that only belonged To a man who lived very well In the trunk was expensive luggage An Armani suit clean and pressed White shirts starched and on hangers Bubba was very impressed Next to investment statements New shoes in an unopened box A pair of just-bought Gucci loafers, size 10 Next to it, folded silk socks They grabbed his electric razor Palm pilot, stock analyst notes Even his Wall Street Journal And his Burberry overcoat They took everything, left him with nothing They stole both his briefcase and car When Andrew woke in a state of shock He yelled ‘Who do you think you are!’ ‘We’ll make you a redneck just like us Said Bertha, ‘Now that’s our plan! If you don’t give us our one million dollars You’re gonna be a new man!’ ‘We’ll pull you down from your ladder Only overalls and bare feet They’ll never know it was you If you ever go back to Wall Street!’ ‘A redneck! A bubba’ said Andrew with scorn ‘I went to an Ivy League school! I’m a wealthy corporate businessman Not some backwoods hillbilly fool!’ But the days went by and something strange Happened to Mister Wall Street They almost never let him shave ’Ya gotta look sloppy, not NEAT!’ They had taken away his wallet His credit cards, identity Even his driver’s license had vanished He wondered ‘Am I still me?’ Every day they said again: ‘Are you gonna say yes to our claim?’ Andrew said ‘NO!’ And bubba snapped ‘Then you just got yerself to blame!’ 'If you don't give us a million You'll never slide yer heels back inside those shined leather shoes So think about makin' a deal!' Every day they made him learn The laid-back redneck way A dramatic change from his old life: All corporate work and no play If he tried to put up a fight then They wouldn’t allow him to eat They wouldn’t allow him to sleep in their shack They even chipped his front teeth They made him start learning redneck And stop all his uppity talk They cut off his yuppie haircut They made him shuffle, not walk 'I'm a redneck! A bubba! That's me' Every day they made him repeat 'I'm NOT a fancy businessman With an office and job on Wall Street!' They even took away his name 'Barefoot Andy' - that was the change For a man who had worn executive shoes It was bitter, sad and strange He learned to spit and how to chew And how to roll his own He started drinking neat whiskey And live without a cell phone The man who had gone to Princeton Who lunched with the business elite Was trapped in the home of two rednecks Drinkin’ his moonshine neat He was forced to walk around barefoot No office, no power, no car No Pinstripes, no Lexus, no cufflinks, For the man who had come so far And the man once named Andrew Porter Controlled, successful and tough Had to face the man that was there Underneath all the fancy stuff He fought the change that was coming To remain the exec that he’d been But every day of redneck training Made certain that Bubba would win Bubba and Bertha were certain They would make him a hillbilly hick It wasn’t an easy job to do With a pinstriped gelled-hair exec Week after week, month after month Andrew fought, only to find The intensive redneck training Was changing his inside mind Every day Bubba and Bertha Would tell him ‘You’re not a white collar man! Those days are gone! Just face it! As soon and as fast as you can’ While he slept they repeated the same words Again and again in his ear ‘You’ve always been a bubba This is your life right here’ Andrew battled the conquest And washing of his brain But he watched as the suit-and-tie man he was Slide slowly down the drain If he tried to talk of ambition Or successful investment plan Bubba would yell ‘Shut up Barefoot Andy!’ And toss him another beer can They made sure he grew a beer gut They stuffed him with fatback and grits No longer trim, his tailored suits And shirts would no longer fit And slowly, finally, surely Andrew's feet stopped missing his shoes His Lexus, his stocks and suspenders And reading financial news Belonged to another world More than two years, so long ago The pinstriped and briefcased Andrew Had arrived to tell them NO He no longer thought of his office His Lexus or MBA Dressed in the same dirty overalls That world seemed too far away Those fancy Italian pinstripes Belonged to another man The man Andrew was no longer Thanks to the redneck plan So ended the corporate Andrew He forgot about office and job The man who had been so impeccably dressed Had been transformed into a slob Andrew whose shoes would echo With a satisfying click Through the corporate halls of Wall Street Was now a barefoot hick They no longer asked him about the claim Andrew's brain was a fog and unclear Whenever he mentioned his old life Bubba would stuff him with beer Then one day he asked for his cufflinks But NOT to wear with a suit! Or a French-cuffed shirt or a necktie 'I’ll use ‘em to scratch my bare foot!’ That’s when Bubba and Bertha Saw the results of their plan They had transformed Mr. Porter to A genuine redneck man The struggle had finally ended The transformation complete Barefoot Andy had taken over Andrew, exec from Wall Street When the police finally caught up and found him He told them 'I just won't return! You see overalls really do suit me I guess I had lots to learn! ' 'I won't put the blame on Bubba or Bertha It's what I want, believe me! I don’t wanna have a high-payin' job I’ll turn in my Lexus keys! ' ‘Make a slingshot from my suspenders Those silk socks? Drop ‘em both in a dump Junk that stupid suit in a trash can Drive my Lexus into a swamp' can make a spittoon from my shiny shoes You can rip up my necktie and shirt! I’ll never again wear a pinstriped suit I’ve learned that I really like dirt!’ 'I've been livin' without my white collar My condo, my job, my degree It's time for me to start over As a junkyard man, yesiree!’ 'I'll have my own shack with a junkyard Called 'Barefoot Andy's Junk' Bubba and Bertha told me to do it Whoever would have THUNK!' But Bubba said ‘Hold it a minute!’ Just sign this right here for me! Andrew did as he was told And Bubba said ‘Yesiree!’ Bertha grinned and shook his hand ‘He said yes! He said yes! He said yes!’ They now had one million dollars After all that time he said Yes!
Copyright © 2006 Jim Wellington |