A Date With Destiny It all began with my suicide. My life that is. It's a long story about a short life. I was only twenty-three years old when I did it. But on the inside I felt like I was ninety. I was like a rose left in dried out soil with no rain and no sunshine. That's how little children are when they are brought up in a house such as mine. It was a house of cards that quickly toppled over with each brush of the wind's cold breath. What causes people to end their own life? For me it was so many different things that were building up inside of me since I was a little girl. "Get your lazy ass out of that bed right now! You have exactly twenty minutes to be ready for school or you're going to be in big trouble!" My mother screamed from the hallway outside my bedroom. I jumped off my little bed and ran for the bathroom. My hair looked like a rat's nest. How was I going to brush it all down? "Mommy, will you brush my hair down and put this ribbon in it?" I held out the old worn out red ribbon. "Are you too stupid to brush your own hair? Give me that damn brush!" She slammed the brush against the side of my head and laughed. "Maybe that'll knock some sense into you, you idiot!" I ran to the bathroom to clean off the rose- red blood and realized I was going to be late for school again. I squeezed into jeans and a T-shirt that were easily two sizes too small for me and ran outside to try and catch up with the school bus. "Don't forget class, we're having our practice for the third grade play today after school." My teacher said. I was so excited to have something to do after school. But the time too quickly flies by when your enjoying something. I walked outside with my friends to wait for our parents to pick us up. Forty-five minutes went by, and with them my friends were picked up one by one. "Don't worry, Mr. Guenin, my mom just had to run to the grocery store. She told me she would be a little late." "Do you want me to wait with you, Destiny?" "No, I'll be fine. She should be here any minute now." Hopefully, I thought. So I guess you could say that I didn't have the best childhood. It can only get better right? Wrong. Dead wrong. Sure my mom wasn't the most loving, but I did have a bed to sleep in and food to eat. Sure the food came from the dumpster behind the grocery store, but when you're hungry it really doesn't matter where it comes from. My dad only came home to eat and scream at my mom. He liked to drink and play with his handgun. How often I had lain in my bed listening to him scream at my mom and threatening to kill her. How often I wished he would have an "accident" with his gun. What made my childhood better was that my dad rarely spoke or looked at me. It was as if I didn't exist. Looking back, childhood was almost a blessing compared to what was coming up. "I'm sixteen today." I whispered aloud to myself. Today was going to be a good day, I thought. My drama teacher was posting the cast list today and I was positive I landed the lead. He even said that my reading was excellent. I creeped out the door careful not to wake up my mom or dad. My mom had received a black eye courtesy of him last night and I was not about to get in either of their ways today. "Way to go, Destiny!" my friend Mary called out to me when I reached the main entrance to my school. "Congratulations!" Amanda cried as I walked up to the bulletin board. I did it. I am the lead! My fingers shook as I ran them along the cast list, looking for my name. Where was it? I wondered. Finally at the bottom of the sheet, I found my pitiful name. Stuck there with all the other understudies. Destiny Keller-understudy for lead. I'm the lead's understudy? How can that be? I took a deep breath to control my shaking. I ran all the way home. I sobbed uncontrollably until I passed out from sheer exhaustion. I awoke with a start. Someone was in my room with me. "Well, well, it seems here that our little girl has finally grown up, don't it?" my dad said in the darkness. "It is her birthday today." My mom cackled. "How old are ya, little girl?" "Sixteen." I said softly, unsure why they were there. "Speak up, you too dumb to do that?" my dad ordered. I cleared my throat. "SIXTEEN!" "We got quite a smart-ass on our hands don't we?" my dad snickered. "Leave us be, woman. Me and the birthday girl got a little date to keep." My mom left the room shutting the door behind her. "Seems to me like you need a little teaching. Need to start acting like a little lady. Since nobody else wants ya, I guess I'll have to be the one to teach ya." I tried to get to the door, but he was too quick. He grabbed my hair and yanked me onto the bed. I bit his arm and he punched me in the face. "Stop! Mom! Help me!" He laughed, "Help you? This was her idea." He put his hands around my neck and starting squeezing. "Please someone help me" , I wheezed. Mercifully, I blacked out. When I finally came to, he was zipping his pants up. "Here, you might need these." He threw my underwear at me and started to leave. "You better be more cooperative next time or it's not going to be so pleasant." And with that the start of my high school years began. He often came to my room after the first time. He said it was normal. That it was a father's job. It didn't really matter, I couldn't stop him. I didn't even try anymore. I would just lie there with my eyes squeezed shut, waiting for his pumping and grinding to end. It was the same every time. He stripped me of all my clothes, yet he only unzipped his pants. He never took them off. My mother seemed to enjoy getting the play by play after each time. I developed quite a nice taste for alcohol and kept a stash under my bed, but it still didn't block out what was going on. Maybe it was the alcohol, I don't know, but my acting skills improved steadily. It was opening night. I was finally the lead of the senior play. Not only was I just the lead, but my drama teacher had somehow got a talent scout to come and watch. "Break a leg, Destiny!" "Show them what you got!" This is my one chance to get out of this hellhole, I thought to myself while applying my stage makeup. Don't screw up. I quickly sprayed on my lucky rose-scented perfume and waited for my cue. After the play, my teacher introduced me to the talent scout. "I think you have what it takes to be a star, kid!" "You really think so?" I asked. "I ain't seen a star twinkle like that since Marilyn Monroe lit up the screen." He declared. "Here, take my card. If you're ever any Los Angeles, look me up." I grabbed the card as if it were a life preserver on the Titanic. Later that night, I threw some T-shirts and a pair of jeans in an old scruffy duffel bag and never looked back. Getting adjusted to life in Los Angeles wasn't too hard. I liked the town and the talent agents seemed to like me pretty well. I was getting rather good parts for a newcomer. Of course, there was gossip in the rag mags about how I was getting these jobs. There's always a grain of truth in everything. I had to accompany many directors to the casting couch, but it was beginning to pay off. I was getting rave reviews for my performances so does it really matter how I won the role? How na�ve I was to think that my talent would get me to where I needed to be. I had always known I was meant for a life in front of an audience. After a few years in Los Angeles, all the pain and suffering I had gone through finally seemed worth while. I had been nominated for an Academy Award. I had proven to everyone in the acting world that I was a force to be reckoned with, not just a no-talent that slept her way to the top. But I had to win the award to prove worthy to myself. My friend, Joshua, and I had decided to stay home on the night of the awards, because I don't do well around high-class people and I was too nervous to sit there and look pretty and happy for the winners. "Well we've seen all the wonderful performances of our five Oscar-worthy nominees, and now it's time to see who has become the best actress in Hollywood!" The announcer cried. The drum roll slowly droned on. Beads of perspiration clung to my body, matting my hair against my forehead. My fingers were clinched around my champagne glass so tightly they had gone numb. The presenter slowly ripped open the envelope. "And the winner is...JENNIFER SWE..." I could hear nothing but the roaring of my heart in my ears. Tears blinding me, I stumbled out onto the balcony tripping over my high heels. The champagne glass crashed to the floor splintering into a thousand glittering pieces. And then there was silence. It was as if I was flying with the angels in the crystal-blue night sky. The whipping of the wind whirled around me making me soar. My raven-colored curls had fallen from their perch on top of my head and were floating around me. My sparking white ball gown, which was soon to be my shroud, swirled around me. The last words I ever heard in that world were from Joshua. "Congratulations, you won! It was a tie..." I smiled up at his look of horror and opened my arms to embrace the warm and beautiful white lights that surrounded me. Epilogue I've been on this side for two short years and have learned something interesting. I've learned that those people who have committed suicide have the choice of a second chance at life. The only catch is you have to live the same life over. With an exception. You are allowed to change three things in your second life. I'm torn. I don't know what to do. My life was hard, but it was life. Maybe I did something as a child to make my parents act the way they did towards me. I could change. I could be the little girl they wanted me to be. I would love them more. Maybe that was it. I just didn't love enough. I was like a rose that you lean down to inhale it's aroma and to maybe touch it, but the thorns rip your flesh. You have to love in order to be loved, right? My daddy would love me the right way like all the other daddies. I would learn to do more things for myself and then my mom wouldn't hurt me. They weren't bad people; I was the bad one. Maybe if I took the thorns out, I could welcome the sunshine in. I could change...I would change. -S.S.6/10/02 "Please give me a second chance!" I screamed. Let them be good to me, I prayed. Multi-color lights seemed to be flashing around me as I flew through what seemed to be a long dark tunnel. Then a flash of white light. "Congratulations, Mrs. Keller...it's a girl!"
Copyright © 2002 Stephanie Siegfred |