Storymania - Losing It by Leeann Nev

Losing It
Leeann Nev

Losing It

Thom drove a white car with a blue door. The blue door was form another car of a similar make. The original door was destroyed in an accident that was his fault. He told his parents the accident happened while the car was parked in the school lot. The blue door was important to Rachel because that’s how she spotted him driving around town. Every weekend night was the same. Getting ready takes time. We use hair spray, lots of it. Tight jeans. Short tops. We put on more make-up than needed, especially lip gloss and mascara. And we go, in search of an adventure, be it boys or bedlam.
“We are not going to follow Thom around town again, Rach, ” Mel whined as she blinked on more mascara.
“Whatever. I don’t really care. I told you guys, I’m done with him. I heard he’s back with Jen anyway.” Rachel heard the lack of conviction in her voice and knew she’d be called on it.
“Rachel, I know you’re in obsessed with him but he’s crazy for that Jen girl. I don’t mean to be mean but...seriously, it’s time to...” Connie makes a slicing motion across her neck.
Connie is not subtle, in fact, she’s brutal. “Sorry, I’m just being honest,” she says insincerely.
It doesn’t matter what Mel or Connie think, Rachel is obsessed with Thom. It’s thoroughly uncontrollable. No other guy can even come close to him. He’s completely gorgeous. A perfect male specimen. Tall, dark curl hair, chocolate- brown- puppy- dog eyes, God-given sculpted muscles everywhere. And when he talks, Rachel melts. He’s shy so he doesn’t say much. He’s got this little boy quality that’s so cute. It’s the obsession with Thom that drives her.
At school, she often sees Jen, Thom’s perfect counterpart. Thom is obsessed with Jen. She has the largest bosom in the entire grade level. She cute, funny, really nice and ultimately hard to hate. Luckily, Jen Ditomato is still in love with her adorably sexy ex-boyfriend, Damon. Damon broke it off with her to go solo for a while-- most of his friends are still scratching their heads about that one.. Rachel is actually friendly with Jen and wants to keep it that way. “You catch more bees with honey” her mom used to say. In this case, ‘honey’ was information about her status with Thom. Rachel figured if she could just get Jen and Damon back together, Thom would see her in a different light. Right now he’s being blinded by Jen’s enormous endowments. Rachel and Jen have Science class together. Last Wednesday, the day of the “back together rumor”, Rachel decided to find out the truth. She sits directly behind and to the left of Jen. It’s perfect for observation. She notices Rachel drawing hearts on her folder. Rachel chimes sweetly, “Are you back with your sweetheart?” Leaving the question ambiguous on purpose, Rachel tries to get the scoop. Jen smiles coyly, “Yeah, it’s so great.” Damn. Which
one? Thom or Damon? Rachel scrambles for a way to ask without mentioning a name. Knowing Thom drives and doesn’t go to Sakkem High, Rachel opts for the obvious,
“Is he picking you up from school today?”
“Yeah...” she smiles sweetly.
Oh God, it’s him....Thom drives, Damon doesn’t! Rachel’s throat tightens. Heart racing, she asks, “Is that his car with the blue door?” Trying to sound completely casual and innocently inquisitive. Behind her blank face, she’s screaming.
“Yes. I hate that. I told him to paint it. Hah!”
The rest of class was a dull murmur. Rachel was numb, hollow, sick, sad, so sad, the tears want to come. She wants her heart to stop hurting. She stares into space.
Instantly, she is snapped back. It’s Mel’s spider-like, eye-lashed eyes looking at her.
“So what, Rach. So he’s with Jen. I know you love him but really...what are you going to do...lose your virginity to him?”
Actually, Rachel hadn’t given it much thought but now that sounded like a good idea. She was sixteen. She was ready to do it. Everyone else already had. Besides, what was it her mom told her about sex? Oh yeah, the memory returns: “Make sure you do it with someone you love, Rachel. It’s much better that way. You’ll never regret it if you truly love the person. If it’s just sex, you’ll hate yourself afterwards.”
Yes, she did love Thom. She was completely in love with him. Yet up to this point, Rachel wasn’t sure what Thom felt for her. The had been together at the bridge parties. They’ve
been “hanging out” lately, not always exclusively but they always had each other in sight. It was never discussed, they just always end up together at the end of the night, steaming up the windows of his car. Thom doesn’t say much. Rachel can recall him talking to her about his break-up with Jen. It was the most he’s ever said at one time.
Mel, Connie and Rachel walk to the bridge under the train tracks. The walk is a short one and Connie and Mel stop briefly to light cigarettes. Rachel is planning and scheming and surreptitiously searching every car that passes for that peculiar door.
The way she felt about Thom was the strongest feeling she’s ever experienced for a guy. It must be love. She wasn’t happy unless she was with him; or at least knew here he was. Jen didn’t even matter to her. She loved Thom and she just knew she could give him more than Jen could. Jen was still not over Damon, everyone knew it. Rachel decided, to prove her immense love, she would give Thom her virginity. One’s virginity was sacred. It was the ultimate. Tonight was the night.
“Hey Rachel, What gives? Come on!” Connie and Mel yelled from under the bridge. Rachel instinctively stood near the road, waiting, just waiting. She heard Connie murmur, “Yeah, you’re over him....right!”
Nothing else mattered. She had to find him. Then a thought struck her. What if he was with Jen? What if he came to the bridge with her? The entire plan would fail! Rachel tried to calm herself. She saw a white car approaching. It slowed as it reached her. The music blared. The blue door appeared black in darkness. A male head leaned out the passenger side window as
the car idled next to her.
“Rachel, Where’s Mel?” It was Jimmy. Mel and Jimmy were dating on and off for years.
Rachel’s insides were flip- flopping, knowing what she had in mind for the night. All she had to do now is wait for the right time.
The night was waves of exhilaration and fear. Thoughts rolled in and out of Rachel’s mind while ten teenagers laughed and smoked around all her. “Will it hurt? What if I cry? Should I tell Thom I love him? How will it feel? How exactly will it feel? Am I ready? Will I feel different after? Who will I tell afer?” Rachel’s trepidation was powerful but she had made up her mind to go through with it.
Within hours of making the biggest decision of her life so far, Rachel was in the white car with the blue door, well on her way to achieving her goal. Thom was extra sweet this night. Rachel wondered if he somehow read her body language, or even her mind, and knew what was coming.
She will never forget where the car was parked: in the dead end a few blocks from her street.
She will never forget the way it felt: it hurt.
She will never forget the way she felt when it was over: dirty.
Thom told her he was done with Jen. In a conversation right before they did it he claimed, “Jen’s not making a fool of me anymore, I’m done with her.” That was enough for Rachel. Even if his words reverberated her own in an earlier conversation with Mel and Connie.

The heartbreak came swiftly. By the end of the month Jen and Thom were completely back together. Rachel realized she was no more than “something to do” for Thom. She created whatever scenario she needed to appease her growing feelings for him. Nothing ever really existed. No feelings were ever shared. No love was ever made. It was just sex. It was just obsession. Rachel realized that she was every word she was afraid of : used, dirty, shameful.
Getting out of bed to begin the twelfth grade was a daunting task. Rachel wanted the heartbreak to end and, never experiencing this before, she couldn’t figure how to stop it. The pain of this one prodigious mistake, overwhelmed her.
Rachel realized virginity is the one part of every girl that is pure and clean and endlessly coveted. There’s a distinct difference between losing it and giving it. You’ve lost it when the guy never really care enough to cherish it. However, giving it to someone with a mutual love, must feel like giving someone a precious gift. It makes you feel worthy and valued and loved. Rachel won’t know that feeling now. But maybe she will, someday.