White Thoughts (1)
Natasha

 

1

White, imperishable light flooded the bed side and penetrated through the lids of my eyes. I rolled my eyeballs back and sighed into the side of my arm. A few minutes trickled past and there were no sounds outside my window or in my room, only the rustling of my body against sheets.
I snapped the sheets away from my chest and rolled out of bed with a thud that would probably leave a mark across my ass. A glance at the clock told me that it was barely 9:00. And according to my memory, it was Sunday.
I stood, raked my hands through my hair, and trailed my eyes across the room. No one was there.
The quiet was knocking against my ears and I turned around to put a record on. When the music began to pulsate from the disc, I stared for another moment and then exited my room, plodded past my roommate and his girlfriend, and peed with a sigh into the toilet.
�Yo.�
I knocked my head to the side and brushed wayward black strands away from my eyes.
�What is it?�
�Put some fucking clothes on. She doesn�t want to see that.� My roommate and his girlfriend were sprawled across the couch. He pulled the blanket over his red curls and her soft, buttermilk colored hair. They giggled and murmured under the blanket.
I left the toilet seat up, brushed myself off, and returned to my room to sit and close my eyes and recoil until the hour melted into something more reasonable.

2

He was so close to jumping on it. Just a few inches more. I was clenching my fists open and close.
�God damn it, James! Get on the skateboard before it rolls down the hill!�
James flipped around and the skateboard tumbled away. I threw my head downwards into my hands and shook it and shuddered.
�Fucking God! Go get that!� I yelled once I�d lifted up.
James had long dirty blond hair and as I stared at him now, hopefully in a menacing, threatening way, he began to tie it backwards with a hair band.
Once he�d finished, he lit a Marlboro 27 from his golden pack of cigarettes and rubbed his rough, blond speckled chin.
�It�s my skateboard. Why don�t you cool it, Avon?�
I sighed, but more than usual. To calm myself, I closed my eyes, puffed my chest out, and breathed through my nostrils. I reached down and picked my beanie hat off the ground and placed it on my head. It plastered hair to the sides of my neck.
James stared at me with his cigarette in a drawl from his mouth and his eyes crinkled.
I wanted to hit him, of course. He always did teasing things and smiled with knowing towards me after them. All these years, I was still accepting it.
�Just go get the skateboard or I�m going without you.�
He laughed and nearly dropped his cigarette. With a tighter grip, he stepped towards me, dragging it in and out of his mouth. With a twirl of his fingers, he let the cigarette drop just a bit from his mouth and blew a circle of smoke between my eyes.
�Oh you shit,� I seethed and pushed him back .
He knocked backwards but the ends of his boots caught him and he let out an amused bellow that knocked relentlessly against my head.
I couldn�t help smiling. The acrid smoke pumped through my lungs and gathered around my clothes, scenting me as it liked.
I slithered downwards and pinned his forearms to the ground with a wrenched grip of my hands.
�You gonna go grab that skateboard so we can skate?�
Squashed like a squid, immobile and comfortable upon the granite, James blew smoke in my face again and squinted his eyes in the glare of the sun.
I licked the sky to eat up all the fumes.
�I�ll get it if you get your skinny ass off of mine.�
I laughed but in my own way, or that�s how my friends referred to it. It wasn�t really a laugh, at least they hadn�t been sure at first. But it had been a while and they knew me now. I let my amusements roll over in the back of my throat until a simple �Hah!� burst through me after rumbles of almost laughter.
James grimaced and pushed me off of him. �Stop that clown laugh. I don�t know if I can deal with it for another year.�
I was sprawled in the granite now, my elbows digging into the rocks. I threw my head back and my beanie dug into the ground. �Our last one.�
James lifted up and took his cigarette out of his mouth. He crushed it with his foot and reached out his hand to help me up.

3

Walking down a linear path, I dug my hands into my pockets and stared towards my feet. The pebbles my shoes scraped kicked upwards and hit towards the side of me. At the end of the path stood historic dorms, stretching their buttresses as far into the clouds as they could.
I wasn�t sure where I was going. There were no classes yet, though I�d already signed up for them.
A few days ago, I�d been lounging in the city and I�d seen just hundreds of groups of families and people and singles strolling New York streets, stopping at cafes, buying things, looking worried and biting their nails.
A song rattled through my head. It was a song I�d heard before and had probably gotten caught in my head in the city as well. Songs don�t care where you are. My skin still felt the stagnant heat of end of summer like a sticky wax paper sheet. It didn�t matter where I went.
But now I was in a quiet bubble and I could keep walking, unmolested. I had told no one where I was going. My suitemates were asleep. It was probably 7:30am.
I closed my eyes. It didn�t matter. I hadn�t seen anyone to run into. Boarding school had been a bit like this. The teachers were stricter of course and they were up, watching with perched eyes like black hawks. But the air was stagnant in boarding school and cool and open here.
I opened one eye. There were no gates. Fields stretched for miles. I couldn�t see roads, but I could smell vegetation placating and pulsating. Rich, beautiful scents.
�I�don�t know. Just where I�m goiiinng.� I sighed, almost orgasmicly. I let it roll from my tongue and I clenched my teeth. �But I� gunna try..for the kingdom if I can..�
�Velvet Underground?�
�Shit, man,� I cursed and whirled around, eyes widening.
A boy stood behind me with long white blond hair tied to the nape of his neck with a dark hair band. His face was stark, pale, and plain, pierced with large, blue eyes.
�Ralphy!�
Ralph smiled and it only made his pale face seem wider and more impossible. He stretched his hand out, but I hugged his broad body close to mine.
�Jesus, how long has it been?�
Ralph shrugged and winked one eye. �Three years. Not since you graduated.�
�Hah!� I bellowed and slapped him hard upon the back. �I�d forgotten.. your mom called my mom. Told me you were going to go to school here.�
�Yup.�
I stepped back and crossed my arms and gave him another once over. �You grew up a bit. Have you picked your classes and everything?�
Nat nodded. ��Course, man. I just picked random ones though. I don�t know what I want to be or anything.�
�Yeah, me too.�
Ralph crinkled his eyebrows together and frowned. His lips were too wide. I smirked just thinking about them.
�What? But you should already have a major��
�Hah!� I loved this kid. I loved him. He was a great talker and his eyes were inexplicably bright. I thought of my own eyes, tiny and dark as coal. My mother said they pressed into my head, literally and figuratively deep. Mothers always find ways to compliment flaws, though. �Yeah, Ralphy, I have a major. I�m doing English.�
�Oh, that�s cool. Will you be a journalist or something?�
I turned away from the historic buildings, back to the little town and my little white house in the distance. �Maybe. What are you doing up so early, Ralphy?�
�I wake up early.�
I looked at him through the corner of my eye, my heart begging him silently to smile again. He did and I laughed until my back buckled and my hand slapped across my knees.
�Geez Avon..�
�I wake up early too,� I said.
Ralph chuckled a bit into his hand and eyed me over. I let him and uncrossed my arms. �Are you on drugs right now or something?�
�Hah!� I started walking down the straight path again. There was silence and just the whir of the wind Ralphy�s feet began shuffling and he appeared me again. �Shut up, Ralphy. Let�s just go back.�

4

�Oh, the coffee shop. I will miss it!� James settled back into his seat and stretched his arms backwards.
It was about 12:30 now and we were all eating lunch.
�Will you shut up, jack ass. You have a whole year here still. Trust me, you won�t miss it by the end.�
I smirked and cocked my head towards Freddy, who had his arms behind his flaming red head. �Well not all of us can be super seniors.� Freddy punched me in the arm and I recoiled, shock and a smile plastered to my face.
�Shut your mouth, Avon.�
I lifted up and walked away from the table. The two said nothing. They were used to me leaving without warning.
I waited behind one person at the counter of our only campus coffee shop and read a paper hanging on the wall about apples and other produce growth.
�Sir?�
I snapped my head around and gave my eyes a few seconds to adjust to the freckled girl blinking at me quizzically.
�Yes,� I said, closing my eyes and opening them again. �Could I get a 16 oz green tea for here?�
�Umm sure, sir.� She turned around and I went back to reading the paper on the wall.
Apples are collected by local Wicker Basket Farm companies and shipped fresh to the coffee house every morning. Other fruits are soon to be avaliable�including..
I blinked once. Something was interrupting my view. It had brown hair haphazardly splayed across shoulders and a white hat pushing the hair farther down. I stepped back and hit the napkin and half&half stand behind me. My hands gripped the edge of the counter.
The girl with brown hair glanced at me once and then turned away. But I kept staring at her.
She was wearing a brown jacket with ruffles down the center and large, bold buttons where the ruffles ended. She had a slightly wide face with a delicate, sloping nose, and full lips. Her long eyelashes brushed her cheek as she looked downwards at a menu.
She glanced back at me and her mouth curled downwards in a sort of quizzical frown. I was still staring at her.
A white skirt flowed loosely around her thighs and she wore cream colored knee high socks and black snappy shoes.
�Hi,� I said.
She looked up at me from a few feet away, her one eye steadying. �Hey,� she said quietly and returned to her menu.
�Green tea!� The freckled girl handed me my drink and I took it, retreating as quickly as I could.
I wanted to take the knee high sock girl with my tea and sit her down next to me at the table. But I kept her there.
When I sat down, James kicked me in the shins.
�What?� I asked.
�Stop staring at freshmen girls, you fuck off.�
�I thought I restrained myself,� I said, voicing exactly what was in my head.
�What?� James asked. Freddy shook his head.
We ate our lunch and I sipped green tea.

5

Right on the path, adjacent to the music hall, sits a bench older than the others. It�s tilted to the right and one of its pegged legs is sinking into a hole.
Every year that I�ve come back, it seems a bit more rugged and weathered.
When I sit upon it, the wood creaks and when I lie back and sigh and arch my back, it bends with me. Across from it is an oak tree planted by some class a hundred years ago. Now the tree stretched way overhead, towering over the bench, and forever shadowing it.
If I was a painter, I�d paint it. I�d note the colors of it and the bends and the ridges. But looking down at my hands, they weren�t soft enough or hard enough. The ends of them were bitten and flattened from stabbing typewriter keys.
So, that was my affliction. But there was so much beauty in the tree. One medium couldn�t possibly cover it. My dearest typewriter�! I wished at that moment that I had it with me.
The people crossing in front of the tree fit aptly into the portrait as well. Backpacks slung over their shoulders and hats adjusted. The girls wore t-shirts and slacks, skirts and tank tops, sweaters and shorts.
Someone waved at me but I was too caught up in the scene and the perfectness of the day. The sun beating and pounding into my chest. I could only take huge breaths and expel them between my lips so fast.
Class would be starting in a few minutes. But I never wanted to leave.

6

The portrait of a life, how could it be framed?
�Wait, wait! I�m in the rotation too!�
Rachel stuck her tongue out and squinted her eyes.
�You look like a fish,� I said.
James knocked into my shoulders. �Tch�Avon��
Rachel cocked her shoulders back and made a �hmph� sound but she was shying away. I didn�t care really. She laughed like a princess and giggled when she wasn�t laughing. I wondered what she was doing in my house.
James put his arms around her and then moved behind her. He wrapped both legs around her waist and situated himself so his knees touched hers and his arms dangled from her shoulders.
�Hey!� she squeaked, but she was beaming.
At last, I passed the bowl to her and she had James light it for her.
�Blow harder, girl! Harder! Suck it in.�
She coughed once the tip was removed from her mouth and shoved the bowl into James hand. He sucked hard and passed it along.
�Where�s Freddy?� I asked.
James had started talking to Kelly, the only other person in the room. She had hair that was long, golden, and braided. She was Rachel�s friend and a transfer student. I�d never met her before.
�Working,� Kelly murmured from behind the bowl.
�Oh yeah? Do you know where?�
Kelly shrugged. �Dana would know�but, I�m not sure where she went. She could be working with him.�
�Probably in the library�� I said.
�Yeah..�
�I was talking rhetorically..�
Kelly shrugged, glared at me, and I started laughing. I moved my hand and placed it near her eye, to cup her face. �Joking, my darling,� I said. She brightened immediately and I noticed glorious freckles all across her face.
The door opened and a buoyant �Hey,� bounded through the room.
�Gretch!� Rachel jumped from James lap and hugged her friend.
She turned to all of us with a furred boa strangling her neck and large feathered boots attached to her ankles. She slapped one foot on the table and swiveled around to me.
�Hey baby.�
I let my hand drop from Kelly�s face. Gretchen�s blond hair was dried in an almost dred-locked style but without all the products, it would have been completely straight, dead as straw. Her face was freckled like Kelly�s, but less so. She had green eyes and a wide, cherry mouth that smiled at me with all its sweetness.
�Hey Babe.�
She moved past me then and went to the kitchen to fix herself a drink. The bowl was passed to me and I lit it again, swirling the end of the lighter around the ashes, and sucking the petals of smoke into my lungs.
When she returned a few minutes later, she carried a handle and a few glasses before jumping in the rotation.
I poured myself bourbon and sat back to drink. The group kept on talking, Gretchen as well, and I was too settled and relaxed to join in. No one questioned my silence and I watched them all as if they were a live portrait, singing to me.
Gretchen�s eyes trailed to me every once and a while and when they did, I was sure to catch them. She had short eye lashes but they only made her green eyes starker.
I wasn�t sure if the conversation had finished but the bowl was cashed and I had finished my drink. I lifted up, snatched Gretchen�s hand, and pulled her away from the group.
�Avon!� she squealed, but she knew what I was up to. We slinked into hallway and I kissed her reddened lips. She pressed me into the wall and lifted my shirt up. I tugged my pants off and she reached her hands downward.
I knocked the door to my bedroom open and we collapsed inside.

7

Bright, white light again, flooding my room. I never close the curtains. No one ever walks by early enough to catch me sleeping.
I rolled over and she was gone. On my back, I reached my hands upwards and stared at my fan, swirling as slowly as possible, through the spaces between my fingers. Gretchen never stayed the night.
It had been two years and I could count on my fingers when I�d woken up and she was next to me.
I laid then and listened to the whir of the fan. It was very quiet. So, when a pounding made a calamity against my door, I shook under my covers and did nothing. I trailed widened eyes to the door frame.
�Avon? Avon??�
I said nothing. My head rested in the center of the pillow but my bed was in the corner. I turned over on my side and reached my arms out to the center of the room.
�Avon? What the hell. Answer the door.�
I whirled my feet around and planted them on the ground. Pointing with my hand, I steadied myself on the floor and flattened my legs in an Indian style. After snapping my fingers back and stretching them out, I brought them to rest on my type writer keys.
�AVON!?�
Inspiration. Inspiration. I looked outside towards the dead early morning streets and the sunlight spreading across, sparkling the granite. My room was littered with clothes, just thrown everywhere, and I had a skateboard mounted to the wall, above rows of posters I�d found and bought for cheap.
�Holy shit, man.�
It didn�t even matter. I began typing whatever came to my head.
�Oh now I can hear you typing.�
It was a man talking. Probably James or Freddy. It didn�t matter who. The sun had barely dulled to a yellow. It was still so bright and high in the sky. And I was alone in my room again.
The knocking would fade. I continued to type.

8

A real party was to be held the next night, serving actual alcohol and acting as a bar for kids not nearly old enough to see a real one.
I knocked on Freddy�s door after slipping on a green jump suit and tying a bowtie about my neck. He didn�t answer. I opened the door without waiting.
Freddy was crouched over his girlfriend. He had pants on but no shirt and she was naked below him, her blond hair sprawled about the dirtied floor, her own discarded clothes, and her bare shoulders.
�Freddy,� I said. I kept my distance at the doorway, my hand steady upon the knob.
He moved first, lowering himself upon her and then throwing his head back to me.
�Let�s go. To the liquor party,� I demanded.
�I�ll walk Dana home first and then we can go.�
Dana groaned beneath him and I caught one of her eyes, bare and wide.
�I�ll stay,� she breathed. �But I..�
Freddy groaned and bumped his head against hers. He was either whispering in her ear or biting it. I wasn�t sure.
I scanned the room, trailing over the knocked over lamp, its fading yellow light, the clothes, the food, and the lines on the table.
�Let me do a line?�
Freddy was still against her. She wasn�t laughing but she was making tiny sounds. �Clothes, clothes, clothes..� she murmured.
�Ok..all right,� Freddy laughed. He lifted off of her and started collecting her things. She haphazardly covered her breasts and started to shake. The rest of her was naked. I didn�t bother looking her over.
Bending my knees, I swooped downwards to the table and used a rolled up dollar bill to snort through my nose.
Freddy dressed Dana and she collapsed against his old clothes.
�Let�s go,� he said to me, snatching my hand and dragging me from the table.

 

 

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Copyright © 2004 Natasha
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