I Saw It
I stumbled helplessly. The snow was pounding down on me, soaking my black shirt, black pants, and black trench coat that I wore. I pushed my way through a clump of trees. Tears blocked my vision and I could barely see a foot in front of me. I knew that I would hear the shouts soon. I knew that soon enough there would be sirens ringing through the air. I waited, my frozen breath stopping in my pulsing lungs. Soon I would be at the train station. Some mad part of me thought about how funny it sounded. Here I was, a teenage girl, dying to get away from a trapped life, running to the train station to get on the one way to New York City. It had been at least an hour now. I knew that the station was close the the police station. Surely my father would have noticed by now. Surely he would have called the police. My heart sank as I saw the station. And I realized that he wouldn�t call, and that in the end, he didn�t really care. �Leave now, and you can never come back. Leave now, and you�ll never see my face again! Do you understand me? Caroline! Do you understand me?! Never!� My fathers words rang through my ears like piercing glass and I shuddered at the words that I knew would never leave me. I could never go back... *** I felt the adrenaline rushing through my veins. Pumped me up, getting me ready. I�d stood like this a million times, in the depths of a theatre, with other performers pacing patiently for their turn to be called. The energy in the place was unconatainably contagious. People murmured lines, sung phrases of timeless songs, jumped in the air nervously, warming their voices and bodies for the audition that could change their lives. �Caroline Haring.� The voice was a deep females. Dead sounding, with no life. She�d read out twenty names before mine. I�d done a quick count of the people in the room before the auditioning had started. There were exactly forty. Which put me right smack dab in the middle. In my opinion, the worst place to be. �Caroline Haring!� The voice was more demanding this time, showing impatience at my lack of the ability to move quickly. Legs springing to action, I walked to her. My mouth spread in a smile, one that reassured me. But hers stayed perfectly still in a straight pinched line. She was in her mid forties. Her hair was dark brown and pulled back in a tight bun. She was thin, almost dangerously thin. A dancer. �Follow me. And quickly. Please.� People parted for us to move past in the hallway. After a short amount of time there was no one, and the voices from the Prep Room faded. �Keep up please, were behind schedule. When you get on stage first state your name. State the name of your prepared monologue and prepared song next. Then you�ll perform your prepared monologue and prepared song. After that an assistant will bring you the short dialogue and song that you should have worked on while in the prep room. Get through that as fast as possible. You will then be dismissed by the director when he finds it appropriate. If at any time the director dismisses you, for God�s sake leave. Understood?� Her speech had bored me. I had honestly not really been listening. She�d just gone over the things I�d done a million times. Name, name of piece, perform, �Thank you�, exit. A million times I�d walked onto the small school stage. My mind started to wander back to those days, that town, and those people. Shuddering, I closed my mind from that. Come on Caroline! The last thing you need is to think about is home. Or what should have been home. It�s not home anymore, and it never will be. �Here we are. Any questions?� The dancer had stopped, and I nearly ran into her, I�d been so absorbed in my own thoughts. �Thanks. And no.� I said in a clear voice, giving her another warm smile. If I�d learned anything from my awful childhood, it was that as a potential part of the crew, you should be nice and polite to everyone. You could never know when someone that merely switched a light in a production would be the one to decide whether or not you made it in. I took the last step forward and glided onto the stage. My hearts heavy pounding stopped as soon as I saw the line of people. The order was what I�d assumed it would be. Assistant, directors first assistant, director, musical director, musical directors first assistant, and the last assistant. The adrenaline pulsed through me again, giving me the energy that I needed. �Hi, my name is Caroline Haring. Today I will be performing...� I continued smashingly. My voice never cracked or wavered for a second during my song or my monologue. I ended the song and reading that the director had chosen, and smiled. �Ms. Haring... Could you sing your song again. But this time could you do it with a british accent?� My mind raced. I�d been asked to do it again before, but with an accent?! Swallowing hard I began to sing the song Somewhere Over The Rainbow once again, rolling my R�s and O�s together, enunciating my L�s and and dropping my M�s and N�s just slightly. �Birds fly over the rainbow, why then oh why can�t I?� My voice slipped into a perfect vibrato at the ending and the adrenaline pumped one last gush into me as I realized that it had been nearly perfect. �Thank you Ms. Haring.� The directors voice was a cold ice pack to my burning triumph. He sounded deadly bored, like my energy hadn�t even managed to reach the first row. �Thank you� I echoed, and smiled again. Then turned and walked powerfully off the stage. A different lady, this one much younger and with her hair in a more welcoming bobbing pony tail greeted me. �This way. I�ll lead you half way, and past that it�s pretty easy to get out of here. Callbacks will be posted in one weeks time on the back door. If you have questions, call the person that you called to schedule your audition.� I was surprised that her voice was so unwelcoming. Her manner, the way she walked, her style had all made me think that she would have been encouraging. I�d hoped she would�ve said something like Oh wow. I heard the last part of your audition. And I�d be shocked if you didn�t get in. But no. She merely led me through a few twisty hallways then sent me on my way down a straight hallway with a door at the end. Cold air blasted my face when I stepped over the door. It swung shut behind me and I was instantly engulfed in the sounds of downtown New York City. Horns blared all around me and people bustled around. Scarves were wrapped tightly around peoples necks and I strung mine across my face as I stepped to the curb to try to get a cab. My black trench coat soon started to get little white snowflakes on it and I smiled a little sadly to think about the way it had snowed back home. It had pounded there in fact. Making a grunt of annoyance at the lack of empty cabs I turned on my heel and started walking towards Times Square to get on the subway. Thoughts swirled through my mind. That had been it. Being hired as an actor for the Majestic had to be my big break. If I didn�t make it... I didn�t know what I would do. There was no money left for me to survive. I stepped off the subway into the busy station. My feet slipped slightly on the wet floor. �The doors are closing, please stand clear of the doors.� The monotone female voice of the subway repeated over and over again. I hustled out of the way, and up the steep stairs that led out into Brooklyn. It had been the cheapest place to go. Although the cheapest, my rent had robbed me of any excess money that I�d had. It had been two months since the train ride here, and yet I felt like it was years ago. Arms and faces flew past me as I walked speedily back to my closet sized apartment. I was tired, my head hurt, and the persistent thoughts of home made my throat close and my eyes water. Click. Finally. I pushed open the heavy wooden door and stepped inside. My apartment screamed me. It was plain, simple, and undecorated. I flopped onto my bed and slept. Loving the feeling of a warm blanket to block out my deadly thoughts. *** My head swirled like the snow above me when I looked at the final casting list. I�d made it through callbacks, and I�d made it through the week long wait after. Casting The Phantom Of The Opera Majestic Theatre The Phantom- Gary Jungla Christine- Caroline Haring My heart jumped. I couldn�t even read the rest of the list. My mouth spread into an unconscious smile and I almost jumped into the air with joy. I looked again at the list just to make sure. But there it was, clear as day. I was the lead. I had made it. My eyes scanned onto the bottom of the page, where it listed the rehearsal times. Today at 3. That gave me around two hours. Grinning widely, I signed the page, acknowledging that I had seen the list and that I knew the rehearsal times. I slipped backwards and glided through the snow to go and find some food and maybe a warm place to sit for the next two hours, my smile broadening every second... �Hello everybody! My names Cameron Tuots. I am your director for this fabulous production! I�m so very very excited!� I could barely believe it. Was this really the same director that had been at my audition? It was, I knew it, but he was so... alive! He wore ripped jeans, a simple button up light blue shirt with a white wife beater was what he wore on top, and his feet were covered by a pair of comfortable looking moccasins. �Hello everyone. My name is Stephen Carm. I am the musical director of this production! As I hope you all know, were doing The Phantom Of The Opera. If you don�t know, well then I suggest that you leave.� He got a few chuckles out of the crew that was surrounding us. �Feel free to ask me any questions you have regarding the musical aspect. If you have any other questions however, for Gods sake. Please ask Cameron.� �As always, thank you Stephen.� Cameron smiled a little, and clapped his hands in front of himself. �Alright! I would like you all to know that this is no pre-school production! Understood? I am not your baby sitter and I will not tolerate anything that could make this production less spectacular than it could be. Any questions? Alright lets get to it! Christine, Raoul and Phantom front and center!� I jumped up to the front, my pride bursting as I looked around at the other girls in the production. Two men came and stood on either side of me. One was big, with black straight hair. The other was slightly more bouncy looking, with light brown hair to his ears. We exchanged smiles, and rehearsal began. Weeks had passed by. Lines had been memorized, songs had been sung over and over again. The blocking was set. The fight scenes and stunts were rehearsed endlessly. The snow was beginning to melt away, and the sun started to show itself occasionally. I slipped through the heavy wooden door and walked leisurely down the hall to the stage. My mind was wondering carelessly, and I didn�t watch where I was going. A man suddenly ran straight into me when he beelined out of a door to my right. He was huge, at least six and half feet tall, and bulky. His brown eyes pierced into mine. His hair was buzzed and brown to almost perfectly match his eyes. His face was round, almost boy like to his massive size. �Sorry.� He mumbled quickly, and walked down the hallway the direction I was going. Great. As if running into him wasn�t awkward enough, now he�ll think I�m stalking him or something. I thought as I followed him by a few feet, on the opposite side of the hallway. He turned quickly and caught my eye. Soon his back was facing me again however, and I stifled a little sigh of annoyance. �Are you an actress?� His voice was deep and I jumped a little. �Sorry, what?� �I, uh, are you an actress? In the company?� �Oh!� Nervously I brushed my hair back behind me ear. Am I honestly nervous? I thought to myself. I�m never nervous. Ever, especially not around guys. �Um yeah. Yeah I am.� I said smiling up at the man. �Oh. I�m Jack. I�m part of the clean up crew. I well, uh I clean the stage and seats and stuff.� �Caroline.� I said smiling at him again and shaking his hand firmly. �I play Christine.� And so our relationship started. He was shy, he was awkward, and he was far from perfect. But I loved him with every inch of my soul. Within weeks we were the closest I�d ever been to one person. And if I wasn�t mistaken, I was in love. It was weeks later when the worst day in my mind came about. It was nearing March. The snow was almost all gone. The sun came out nearly every day, and the little bare ground that was left in New York was thawing out. Our production was in two days. This meant that the stress level in everyone, especially the director, was high. Rehearsals had been going amazingly, and it was all ready. It was all perfect. That was until the two days before opening night. We were rehearsing the famous roof scene where Christine and Raoul openly confess their love for each other in a beautiful duet on the top of the opera house roof with snow gently drifting around them. Of course, the Phantom stood hidden a few feet away at all times, listening to his heart break with every word. Raoul�s voice soared through the theatre softly as he sang the first words and I followed gently, moving away slowly from him. Just like we were supposed to. But then it happened. My entrance to the next phrase came, and my voice cracked. I knew I shouldn�t have, but I stopped to clear my throat, and all hell broke loose. �STOP! Stop, stop, stop!� The directors voice halted all movement and noise. The players in the pit instantly shushed themselves, and Raoul, Phantom, and I stood dead still. �What the HELL where you thinking?! Do you think that the audience will find it ROMANTIC when the lead female suddenly decides that she needs to clear her throat?! Do you think that they think that it�s lovely and charming when Christine has some mucus in her throat, and that she can�t just POSSIBLY wait for another time to clear it?!� His veins were pulsing in his neck, his face was red, and his hands were clenched in tight fists. I was in shock, my lips trembling a little, my hands shaking, the nervous jitters crashing around me. Making my head spin and my eyes blur out of focus. �I�m sorry...� I mumbled to the ground �Oh! Wonderful! Now of course. We have a mumbling lead. This is just exactly what we need two God damned days before the production! Shape up, Haring! I do not want to be the director that had to call off a well anticipated production because his damn lead couldn�t manage to hold in a little cough. Understood!?� I nodded, knowing that speaking wouldn�t do anything in my favor. Anger started to creep into my mind however. It was a cough! I mean honestly. Would he rather that I sound like shit the entire song? It was at the beginning too. I mean does he honestly expect me to be on my game watching out for coughs? This is ridiculous. But calm down Caroline. He�s the director. He has the power. He could have you out of here in less than a second. �From the top!� I went through the rest of production with the highest energy I could. Just waiting to see the directors happy face when we ran through curtain call. Something to show me that I�d redeemed myself. But it never happened. Frustrated and upset, I slipped out of the women's changing room and right into Jacks arms. �What a jerk.� He said as we walked out into the warming air and I complained about the director. �Don�t worry. He wont say anything tomorrow and it�ll all go great. I can tell. I have a feeling that great things are gonna happen these next few days...� Opening night was amazing. The small theatre was packed. There was press, there was applause, there was standing ovations and we ran back onto the stage three times. The next two weeks were magnificent, each one better than the next, and finally, sadly, it was closing night. The spotlight hit me and I knew that this was it. If I didn�t give it all I had tonight, I would regret it for the rest of my life. This was the end... Applause bursted through the air and I walked out with the rest of the cast to bow. I couldn�t help it, my mouth spread in as wide a smile as possible and my heart filled with the sound of cheers. It had been indescribable. My head was still floating in a cloud when I rushed back into the theatre after the show. It was nearly two in the morning, and the last few people were leaving. Everyone from technicians to audience members that passed by me continued to congratulate me on a stellar performance. In the big excitement, I�d managed to forget my purse in the dressing room. I rushed in and grabbed it. I was about to close the door behind me when I heard a violent scream. Even through the soundproof areas around me it was shrill and loud in my ears. My heart jumped and my instincts kicked in. I raced to the seating entrance that was closest to me. My feet stumbled into the back of the theatre and I tripped to the first row of seats I came across. There was no light that reached me, and I could barely see the stage. All there were, was two shadows. One kneeling over the other, that was lying on the stage. My lungs jammed the air from reaching anywhere. I didn�t know what had happened, but my mind told me it was something. I ran down the aisle in the middle and came to the third row from the stage. All my breath stopped. I saw Jack. He was kneeling. I saw a girl. I recognized her face as another one of the technicians. I saw Jacks hand. In his hand I saw a knife. On the knife, I saw blood. On Jack I saw blood. On the girl, I saw blood. Gushing out of three clean strokes to her chest. Her body was near the end of it�s convulsions and her face was a ghostly pale. Before she took a last shuddering breath, her head turned towards me. Her eyes met mine for a split second, and then the light in them disappeared. Jacks face, splattered with blood and tears looked over at me. His eyes were wide, and his lips trembled. He looked back at the girl, then back to me. �Great things... Caroline. Great things are gonna happen...� My heart nearly stopped. I looked around helplessly. I knew what I had to do. I had to run. As though he read my thoughts Jack looked straight at me. His eyes piercing through my thoughts. �You run, and I swear to God that you�ll regret it. You run and I get blamed. You can�t do that to me. You can�t blame me. You love me. Don�t you? Stay here. Don�t tell a soul. It�ll be our secret.� With that I turned on my heel and sprinted out of the theatre. Before I left I saw a flash of silver fly by me and slice into a chair. It was the knife, aimed straight at my back. My thoughts raced through my mind as I pushed through the throng of people. Where can I go? Where would they never know? I thought back to the last time I�d run from a past I didn�t want. I�d gone to an expected place. A place that was admittedly a little cliche for me to go to. I�d gone to New York to become an actress. And it hit me. Paris. I�ll go to Paris. Epilogue Six years later Paris, France I stepped out into the cloudy Paris air and couldn�t help but smile. It had been six years. And although I could never forget the sight I�d seen, my mind stayed far away from it. The thought of Jack however, still haunted me. He�d done a terrible thing. Who knew why. Who knew if that was the first time he�d done it too. But it wasn�t these thoughts that i thought about him, it was the love that I�d felt. My mind fought a battle against itself everyday about it. He had been perfect. He�d given me everything I�d ever hoped for, and we�d grown to each other. But he�d taken it all away. He�d done something truly unforgivable. Feet flying, I turned the corner and saw the Paris Opera House. Smiling at the doorman that stood there, I went through the front entrance, which was the fastest way for me. I walked up the great steps and into a hidden hallway that led to the back stage area that was more grand than the outside. Maybe not in looks, but in legend. �Bonjour Caroline!� I looked to my left to see Hana. She was my height, my weight, and had my color hair. But we looked like exact opposites. She rambled on at me in french and I smiled and nodded at appropriate times. I was, ironically enough, performing The Phantom Of The Opera. I was more especially excited because this was where it was based. This time, I was much too old to play Christine in theatre years. I was playing Madame Giry. The tough, hard willed dance instructor. Rehearsal had been going on for two weeks now. And in a few days time, it was opening night. I had found that working in French theatre was a lot more free. It was compatible with me. Not to mention, that I loved Paris with an indescribable passion. There was nothing I loved more. From the food, to the fashion. From the shouting people to the warm greeting into every store I went into, there was nothing else I could ask for. It was perfect. It was what I�d been looking for my entire life. The next two weeks drug on and on and on. I was so anticipating opening night. Although, anticipation wasn�t the exact right word. I had nerves, but the good kind. I had energy. But at the same time I had dread and a sense of fear. Every time I walked onto the stage I thought of the memory I had of Jack and the girl. That unnamed girl that I had never bothered to know. And what I could have done to stop it. How if I�d only been one minute earlier.... �Caroline! Ques-qu tu fait?� The directors booming voice woke me from my thoughts and I processed that he�d asked me what I was doing. �Je suis desole� I said. And he took my apology with a quick nod, then continued on. One day. That was all I had to wait for. One day and then I would be performing. *** The crowd stood up in excitement at curtain call. Applause rang through my ears, almost deafening me. I smiled the biggest smile yet, and took the last final bow. That was it. I had a feeling of completion and emptiness in my heart as I walked out into the crisp Paris night air. Lovers littered the sidewalks and groups of men in suits and women in short party dresses stumbled around. Mixing in with the straggling audience members. The sweet flowing language of French soared in the air, and I couldn�t help but smile. I glanced around me as I walked down the busy streets. I didn�t know a soul, and in a way, I liked that. The fact that I could at any time find a new person in my life that would in no way be connected to me, and that in no way would know my past. I glanced down at the sidewalk as I turned the corner and when I looked up again, my heart stopped. My eyes bulged and my smile disappeared. My legs seemed to freeze and I couldn�t make a sound. There was a man standing at the end of the street. Just standing. Leaning casually against a wall under a street lamp. He had a black coat on that matched mine. He wasn�t well dressed per say, but his clothes were decent. He looked up at me. He was huge, at least six and half feet tall, and bulky. His brown eyes pierced into mine. His hair was buzzed and brown to almost perfectly match his eyes. His face was round, almost boy like to his massive size. My entire body started shaking violently as I realized that my nightmares were coming to life. He looked at me for a little longer then slid off the wall and stood his full height. He was the same. Still slightly awkward and seemingly unsure of what to do. I couldn�t think through what to do. Run? Stay? Say something? But before I could, a voice that I recognized and that made my heart beat with love reached me. �Caroline. I�m so sorry. Caroline.� It was Jack, and I was home.
Copyright © 2010 Mateja Marie Lund |