Here To There I circle the play yard watching all the children in my charge. I’m teaching in a one room school in the basement of our church. I’m teaching elementary children grades first thru 4th. I wonder how I got here from there. They love and respect me and I haven’t seen my Hannah and Karrah for months. I’m going to share the chapter of my life that led to the demise of my family. It wasn’t the divorce between Barry and me, but my union with Theodore. Barry had a good heart but had soooo many problems that he was unwilling to change; living with him was unhealthy for me. He had sobered up after 3 years of our 14 year marriage. However, I felt he never grew up. I felt 95% of the responsibility lied on my shoulders and I wanted a partner not another child. That’s not to say to divorce him was easy. It was agonizing. Especially when he started dating Carmen before our divorce was even final. I see now he needed another woman to take care of him so he moved on quickly. Once the divorce was final Barry and I were able to maintain a Parental relationship for our daughters Hannah and Karrah. I kept 95 percent of the responsibility but somehow it was easier without the third child. Barry took the girls every weekend which gave me the opportunity to explore who I was and play the field. After a couple of years of dating I really wanted to settle down. I had always seen myself as a spiritual person. However, I was lazy when it came to my faith; going to church sporadically, praying only when in trouble, and rarely reading the bible. So I prayed I would meet a truly spiritual man who didn’t just give his faith lip service, but truly lived a life serving God. Then I met Theodore. He worked hard, made decent money. He was tall dark and handsome. But most important he spoke of how Jesus was the head of his life and I wanted that. I wanted to be a good Christian wife. I thought if I truly turned my life and will over to God, and live by the word, I could find fulfillment and my children would make better choice then me with a good man at the head of our family. I married Theodore three months after we met. Sometimes I wondered if I had waited if I would have scene his true colors and moved on. At least I would like to think that. Although knowing myself, coming from an abusive childhood I developed tolerance to abuse, I take a lot before I break. Theodore wanted a child. I was almost 40 and not in the best health but wanted to please my husband. I became pregnant shortly after we married. I took seven months off work because it was a difficult pregnancy. Shortly after the baby’s birth Theodore was in a car accident and went on a medical leave due to a minor back injury. I say minor because although he claimed the level of pain he was in was an 8 he acted like it didn’t bother him. He didn’t walk labored, got up down easily, and lifted heavy objects. Being on medical afforded him to take care of the baby and look after Hannah and Karrah after school. I had returned to work 6 weeks post partum. Theodore turned out to be very manipulative. Using the word as a weapon to serve his own agendas of control and psychological abuse. A good wife makes her husband the head of the house, the head of her children. She has to trust his divine rights, be submitted unto. Not doing so would not please God. This was a fundamental Christian principle and I wanted to please my husband but ultimately please God. However, Theodore was not trustworthy of this responsibility. J always fell short he was never satisfied. He felt I was arrogant, prideful, disobedient this ultimately leading to my burning in hell for all eternity. This was something he told me all the time. He was very strict as well as controlling. When we fell short it wasn’t him displeased but God and his wrath would follow. Theodore and I fought about the discipline of the girls all the time. He felt I was too lenient on them. He would warn me my rebellion was as a filthy rag. I couldn’t even have any email communications he was not privileged to. He constantly criticized things my friends would say. I was not to communicate with the girl’s dad without his approval of what I said. He called me at work everyday to check in with me. This caused problems because arguing with him disturbed my office mates. I was even called into the office one day when one of them complained. When it came to the baby he would give me instructions as to how to care for her and became angry when I did things my own way. This is how to change a diaper; this is how to make chocolate milk. It didn’t matter to him I already had two children and new what I was doing. No matter how well the girls did it wasn’t good enough. Karrah would get an A on her report card and he would say it was an equivalent to a C because the schools standards were below national. When they made their bed he would make them redo it because the sheets were not smooth enough. The girls began to lie. They lie to cover up something they did wrong, lie when called on something. I thought they were just being disobedient kids. Which might have been partially the truth but the lying was mostly was a preservation technique. He would play mind games with the girls to trip them up. One time Hannah said the baby was so cute. Theodore asked her, Hannah are you beautiful. She wasn’t sure what to say but said yes, which she is. To which he responded then why is the baby only cute, like she was insulting the baby. Of cource I jumped in there and said he was being ridicules but it still made her feel real bad. Remind you Hannah has the IQ of a 7 year old. He never understood her disability and expected way to much of her. One time at the dinner table Karrah was telling a story and she wasn’t skilled at summarizing and it took her along time to draw to a conclusion. She was only seven. Sudden he yells at her to shut up that he would not allow her to dominate the dinner conversation. She burst into tears apologizing. I jumped up and put my arms around my child and told him not to take his anger for me out on her. He could take it back to the bedroom where he came from. Earlier that evening we had been arguing. This was my husband and I wanted to please him and work out our problems. I was determined to make this marriage work, make our family work. These were my children I had to protect I constantly felt I was battling to keep peace. I was so close to the situation I couldn’t see how the stress was affecting my children. I thought I was protecting my girls by defending them but I wasn’t. They were still being hurt. I thought maybe I wasn’t doing enough. That there was something in me that still needed purging. Once God was pleased peace would fall upon my home. So I prayed about it. Theodore was very strict about prayers. The girls would pray 30 minutes after school before they did their homework. He and I prayed for 2 hours duration before bed after the children were asleep. He would say God gave us 24 hours in a day surely we can give him two. Sometimes he would pray real quiet, other times he be hooping and a hollering or slobbering like a baby. Theodore was Pentecostal. Pentecostal’s are very animated when it comes to showing their faith. Sometimes I feel a sleep and he took that as a sign of disrespect. I would say no Theodore. I have a disease the zaps my strength, I work all day then come home to take care of my family. I’m human. Of course this didn’t go over well. I should have said yes Dear It won’t happen again. Half the time my prayer would be Oh dear God please don’t let me fall asleep which really made that much praying servitude to time and not to God. Theodore decided he was going to discontinue going to church. He said his back hurt too much to sit in the pews. He also said since I was a rebellious wife, he was unable to fulfill his rightful place as the head of household, there was no point anyway. The girls and I continued to go. Theodore stayed home with the baby. Theodore and I continued to have difficulties. I kept thinking if he just went to church with us things would get better. Theodore never believed in the celebration of holidays but I did not see the harm. Now days it is hard to find a church other then Jehovah’s Witness that doesn’t celebrate them. Then one day he told me to come and listen to this TV preacher. He was the Bishop of a Pentecostal church in Farmington Hills. Easter was coming up and he was preaching on the pagan origins and why to participate in it was a sin. I was always looking for signs of affirmation from God. Theodore wanted to go to this church. I wanted to trust my husband and take his spiritual lead. I found myself thinking maybe this is the church we belong. So we joined. I knew it would require sacrifice but was willing to do anything for God’s favor and peace in my household. Truelight Pentecostal Church was under the watchful eye of a 70yr old self proclaimed Prophet and Bishop. It was a male dominated church. The Bishop backed up his teachings by scripture and if you were unwilling to live by the tenants of holiness you soon found yourself unwelcome. The tenants of holiness included but were not limited to: 1 strict dress code. Men must dress soberly, when in church dark suits only. Jackets must be worn. Women must keep their head covered in public at all times with a white lace veil. Long dresses or skirts only and the arms are kept covered. In church all women wore white robes white shoes and white socks. 2 Men were head of the household and women were to submit first to the Bishops teachings but then to their husbands. Theodore thought this was great except when he and the bishop disagreed. That takes me to the next tenant of holiness. 3 Taking medications was a sign of lack of faith and discouraged. Theodore was a T3 junkie and since I was on pain pills for my RA we just kept our drug use to ourselves. 4 The celebration of Christmas, Easter, Saint Patrick’s Day, and Valentines Day was strictly prohibited. However, the observance of birthdays, BBQ on the fourth of July and Thanksgiving was permitted. 5 Weekly fasting from the Sunday evening service to the Monday service were mandatory. I admit I cheated on that one too. The spirit was willing but the flesh was weak. 6 If you didn’t have to work you were expect to be in church when there were services. We had services M,T,W,TH FR,And twice on Sunday to make up for missing Saturday I guess. 7 Spanking your children as a form of discipline were expected. I had a hard time with this one too. Every time Theodore brought it up I would say I didn’t want Barry to accuse me of child abuse. It just was not an option for us. 8 Isolating yourself from the world. We were in the world but not of it. Our interaction with friends and family outside of the church was to be respectful but not intimate. We were a family and the Bishop taught that it was dangerous for us to spend time with outsiders. For their worldly ways may influence us. Hey made perfect since at the time. I did what I was instructed and isolated myself. I did keep a shoestring line attached to my best friend Erica. I just couldn’t completely break all ties with her. We had been friend for 20 years. She was more like my sister than my sister. Theodore said he felt sorry for me. That my love for her was inordinate affection and I would burn for it. (big surprise) I kept clinging to my belief that more I gave to the Lord he would work out the difficulties in my life. We were taught, if the tenements of holiness were practiced in our lives, Gods promises would be fulfilled. That we should expect to be tried by fire, Just as gold is refined, and we would be placed in a furnace to rid us from impurities. That there was no unconditional salvation. The alternative to not practicing these principles would lead to eternal torment. Talk about pressure. It was a stressful lifestyle. When I got home from work the girls would be doing homework. I would make my family dinner and off to church we would go. The girls never complained. I did not force my girls to wear veils outside of church I wanted it to be their choice. I took it as a sign of answered prayer when the girls came to me and said they wanted to wear their veils in public. I sat them down and told them this was not a decision to be made lightly. That other children would not understand. They said they understood and were ready to embrace veil wearing. I did not realize how unhappy they were. I personally was struggling to work. Pain and fatigue added to our rigorous religious activities and continued strife with Theodore was draining my strength. The fires of the furnace kept growing hotter. Discipline continued to be issues. Forms of discipline we used were increasing chores, and taking away privileges. Theodore kept pushing me to let him spank. Because of my RA he said I would not be affective. He felt so strongly about it he made an appointment to see the bishop. I tried to explain to the bishop the circumstances but he wouldn’t listen. He cut me off and said he I didn’t allow Theodore to spank I was not pleasing God. I was torn but decided to allow it. My first reaction is to say I regret the decision to follow the bishop’s instructions. However if I had not they may not have been rescued. They would have grown up with low self esteem and feelings of inadequacy. There were only two spankings but it was enough. Barry got an exparte order to keep Hannah and Karrah. They were taken from me on Hannah’s 13th birthday. I had lost my children. How did this happen I was in shock and disbelief. Social services came to interview us. Their conclusion was the atmosphere in our home was to intense for the children. Expectations were to high of the children. A supervised visit was arranged to see the girls. Theodore was on his best behavior. The visit went well but the children told the social worker they were still afraid of Theodore. There were a series of interview at the conclusion of which the social worker told me they were going to recommend Barry keep custody of the child. I walked out of that meeting feeling like my heart was ripped out of my chest. I tried to cling to my faith but was in a downward spiral of despair. It became a struggle to continue to go to church but it was still expected. It was expected to praise God at all times especially in times of difficulty. One day Theodore practically dragged me to church. I felt so much rage and pain I just sat in the back. Theodore wanted me to follow along in the bible and I pushed the bible away. In the car home I took off my veil in protest. I couldn’t stand wearing it then. I went to my bishop for help I tried to explain how abusive my husband was. But he would hear me. Simultaneously Theodore went to him and told him about how I acted in church and had taken off my veil. The bishop discomunicated me and told me never to return. I called Theodore from work to tell him but he already knew. I became so despondent, everything was falling apart. One day I found myself sitting on my porch swing the rain began to fall I was soaked to the skin and didn’t care. All I wanted to do was die. I went into the house and picked up my car keys no destination in mind. Theodore asked where I was going I responded away. Everything would be better if I just went away. He said I was in no condition to drive and fought me for my keys, so I took off on foot, sobbing. I had a friend who lived 3 blocks from me. Her name was Adrienne. I had known her for 20 years and it was the only safe place I could think of. My friends knew nothing of my situation because I had been so isolated by the church. As I started to walk up her drive the police arrived. The police asked who I was and did I know who lived here. I told them and gave them my friend’s name. I was shaking and wanted them to go away but I could hardly speak. A car pulled up. It was Adrienne’s boyfriend. The police questioned him, who he was and who lived here. Zach didn’t recognize me. I just stood there shivering. Another car pulled up it was Adrienne the asked if she knew me and of cource she did she put her arm around me and took me into the house. The police followed. I couldn’t speak. They wanted my assurance I wouldn’t harm myself but I couldn’t find the words. An ambulance was called and I was taken to the UofM psychiatric emergency room for evaluation. I hid under the blanket and sobbed wouldn’t talk to know one. So they admitted me. For the first 3 days that’s pretty much all I did was lie in bed and cry. Then the crying stopped. I could go on about the hospital experiences but that’s another story. Judgment day had arrived but wasn’t prepared. I was still very fragile. I went to court alone. I decided to relinquish custody before it could be ordered because it was what my children wanted. It was best for them. Theodore was accused of abuse and I was accused of failing to protect. The judge ordered parenting classes and psychiatric evaluation of Theodore before unsupervised visits would be considered. The hammer came down and it was over. Supervised visits my God no. I looked at my attorney and he escorted me out of the court room. I was very upset. Then Barry emerged from the court room. I began yelling at him and if the attorney hadn’t held me back I would have jumped his Ass. All I had forgiven him and he brought this down on me. He was the better parent. Several court officers appeared and threatened me. My attorney pulled me into a conference room to calm me down. Barry’s wife pulled him down the hall. After my emotional breakdown I decided I was unable to return to work. Everything was happening at once. Theodore refused to follow the court order tension ran high. I began praying again and tried to make peace with my husband and I still had Dorrah to be a mom to. Theodore continued to attend church and I got Dorrah ready so he could take her. Then the bishop had a change of heart and told Theodore to invite me back. Even Theodore had to do what the bishop said. So I returned to the church and everyone embraced my return everyone but Theodore. Then one day Theodore says I want a divorce. Divorce was unheard of in the church so not only would he have to leave me he would have to leave the church. My thought was now you want a divorce? I have no job, my kids have been taken from me, I’m about to loose my house, and now you want a divorce? I said there is the door. But he refused to go until he saved up some money for the move. I had put my house up for sale a year earlier but it had sold and now I was going thru foreclosure. I was about to be homeless with an 18month old baby. The bishop gave me permission to move into the church daycare with Dorrah so I wouldn’t have to live in the same house as Theodore. I had applied for social security but it takes 6 months for approval. The church supported us. So I began to work in the daycare and provide transportation for my brothers and sisters who needed it. I returned to my house to retrieve as much as I could before the foreclosure was complete and I would loose everything. I could only afford a small unit so I couldn’t save much. Theodore had moved out all his stuff but left his truck in m garage. I had put it in my name because he had bad credit and now there it sat. It wasn’t long and it was reposed. Fortunately I got an offer on the house before the foreclosure was final. The only ones to make money on the deal were the real-estate agents. So here I was living in and for the church I belong. This is how I got here from there.
Copyright © 2009 Francine Lofton |