Butterflies
She gushed about how much help I had been to her when it came to having to deal with our loan servicer. Payments and deferments were always being posted late. I was able to get their problem with his deferments straightened out. I also took on the added responsibility of letting them know when a new form needed to be submitted and I would process the forms through our office. They would no longer have to deal with the servicer. He thanked me for all of the help I had been to both him and his mother. And he appreciated the extra steps I was taking to help them. I thought to myself, �If he thinks I went above and beyond before, he ain�t seen nothin� yet.� Just then Belinda, one of our work study students, came in to the office. She and John knew each other. He gave her a hug and chatted a minute. While, he was doing that his mother was asking me some questions. She was sweetest and kindest lady. I couldn�t help but glance over at John every now and then. As I saw him with Belinda one thought occurred to me. That�s the kind of girl someone like him would be with not someone like me. She was pretty and while not extremely intelligent � that�s not what matters to guys anyway. She was nice but could sometimes be a bit irresponsible and careless when it came to the work in the office. Belinda had to leave to go to her first class. She came in to leave the books she would need later for her afternoon classes. The two of them said their goodbyes and he rejoined his mom at the counter. She and I had everything under control so there really wasn�t much more to discuss. They both thanked me again for all of my help and left. I wouldn�t hear from him again for two months. Christmas came and went without much fuss. I survived yet another depressing New Year�s Eve. But lately a depression had taken hold of me and I was having a very hard time shaking it off. My best friend had a steady boyfriend now and I now took a back seat to him. Any time I spent with her had to be worked in to plans with him. The jealousy I was beginning to feel towards her was almost becoming uncontrollable. I can�t get a date to save my life and now I�m losing my best friend. The one friend I ever did anything with at all. If she wasn�t available I was home for the night. We used to be inseparable. Now I felt in order to see her I had to make an appointment. Heading my way now is Valentine�s Day. Valentine�s Day and New Year�s Eve are two holidays I hate more than any other. Both days cast a glaring light on the fact that you�re alone. I used to think it was nice when I�d get home and there would be a Valentine�s Day card from my mom for me in the mail. Now it�s just depressing and pathetic. I knew that when I got home from work there would be flowers at the house. There would be flowers for my mom from my dad, for my sisters from their boyfriends. I remember one Valentine�s Day when even my brother got flowers. I usually would just sit in my room listening to my Barry Manilow records and just wait for the day to end. The saddest part is that I�m the oldest and I have no idea what it�s like to be on a date. I wish I knew how to fix whatever it is that is so wrong with me. I went to work and not too long after our day started the parade of roses into the office started. This was going to be a long day. Belinda reported for work that afternoon. She made herself at home and then she told me that she got a letter from John over the weekend. I really didn�t need to hear that. She then handed me a small envelope. In it was a note for me from John. I figured it would just be a note about his loan. Much to my surprise it wasn�t. It was a simple thank you note. It read: Thank you again for all of your help. And I hope this Valentine�s Day brings all the love and happiness that someone as nice as you deserves. Happy Valentine�s Day, John. I read that note over and over that day. That was better than any dozen roses I could have ever received. To know that he took the time to write me a note meant a great deal to me. His mother raised him right. I was so moved by the note that I had to send him a thank you note. It started out just a small thank you note. But then it turned into a short letter. I just asked simple questions, how�s school going, how�s the weather and things like that. I got his address at Loyola from Belinda. About a week and a half later I came home to find a letter on my bed. It was a letter from John. I couldn�t wait to open it. He appreciated the time I took to write to him and that he loved to get letters from home. I love to write letters and we started to write to each other on a regularly after that. We got to know each other through those letters. We both loved music especially jazz and movies. We both loved football and argued over whose team was better my 49ers with Joe Montana or his Cowboys with Aikman. We had the same type of argument when it came to basketball too. I couldn�t wait for the mail to arrive everyday just to see if there would be something in it for me from him. Even when he didn�t have time to write a letter he sent me a postcard. I had sent him a stack of them from Sea World to use to write his friends when he didn�t have time for a letter. I think I got all the postcards returned to me. He remembered to send me a birthday card in March. And in May he sent me a postcard. On it he said he�d be coming home for the summer and he hoped that we could get together while he was home. No one could have been more surprised than me when John called me at work. He'd just gotten back in town over the weekend. I felt like a giddy teenager in high school getting a call from the cutest boy in school. And I actually got into a little trouble at work for talking and giggling on the phone too much. I didn�t care though. She could have fired me on the spot. It was the first time in a very long time that I was truly happy. Now I was almost like everybody else. I wasn�t the forgotten lonely one anymore. At least not right now. We made tentative plans to get together on Saturday for a movie. I gave him my home number and asked him to call me there. Now I�ll just cross my fingers that he�ll call and we actually get together. He did call and we had a great time on the phone. But most important of all we're getting together on Saturday night for a movie. Now I just had to keep my nerves under control. But that won't be easy. I don't know how to do this. I thought I could calm my butterflies about tonight by going to the gym. I guess I was wrong. I have to be crazy. Why did I ever agree to this? Girls like me don�t go out with guys like John. It doesn�t help that I�m 23 and about to go on my first date. Yeah, that�s right I�m 23. No one�s ever asked me until now. I was the one always on the outside looking in. I sat back and watched my little sister, little brother and friends go out on dates. I�ve never been so scared in my life. In letters I can be witty, funny and intelligent too. It�s an entirely different thing for me face to face. Besides he�s in college. What am I possibly going to say that will be of any interest to him? I only have two hours to decide what to wear. I am standing in front of my closet full of clothes but yet have nothing to wear. How can I possibly go out? I have a pair of black jeans with a zipper and cute little red bows at the ankles. Or I have the short denim skirt. I�m always being told I should show off my legs. Why I don�t know. But I could use all the help I can get. I don�t know why I�m in such a panic. He�s probably only being polite. We�ll go out, he�ll be disappointed and I�ll never see him again. At least I don�t have to worry about making conversation. We�re going to a movie. He�ll probably bring me home right after anyway. I heard the phone ring and then my sister yell for me. Maybe John came to his senses and changed his mind? Now my family would know something was going on tonight. Guys didn�t call me. I had enough pressure on myself, I didn�t need theirs too. It was John calling to ask if leaving a bit later than planned would be okay. I wasn't about to miss out on this opportunity. Of course I told him it would be just fine. It was just after nine o�clock and just as I was about to change into the denim skirt, my sister told me John was outside waiting for me. I guess the butterflies heard her too, because they started a new storm of flutters in my stomach. I had one last check in the mirror. I shouldn�t have done that. I quickly made my way out the door. When I saw John something strange happened. The butterflies stopped. It was as if I was looking at an old friend. Why had I been so nervous? I took a deep breath and started the most amazing summer I�d ever had. John held the car door open for me which was a nice gesture in front of my dad. He got in and we were off to the movie theater. We were going to see �Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade.� At least I wouldn�t have to worry about carrying on a conversation. John had brought a jazz cassette tape I had recorded for him. I sent it to him when he was away at college in California. Our common taste in music gave us plenty to talk about. Whatever nervousness I was feeling before I saw John was all but gone. I was also fairly confident in the fact that he�d take me home right after the movie anyway. The movie managed to kill two hours. I was actually having a good time. I really hated to see it come to an end. This was basically my first real date and most likely my last for a while. I hoped it would last a little longer than the length of a movie. The movie was pretty good. A movie with both Harrison Ford and Sean Connery can�t ever be bad. It was close to midnight when the movie ended and we were back in the parking lot. I wasn�t really ready to go home just yet. As John unlocked my door first and opened the door for me. I didn�t know guys came with manners like that anymore. As he stood holding the door for me he said the strangest thing, �Do you want to go somewhere? Or do you need to get home?� I was caught so off guard that I didn�t hear the second part of that question, �Where do you want to go?� John got in the car and we tried to think of a place that would still be open this late. He couldn�t tell but my hands were shaking. I�d never been so nervous in my life. Well, except for when I had to get up in front of my class -- which is why I had barely graduated. We drove around for a little while. There weren�t too many places open at midnight. We ended up at a 24 hour burger place. We just got some finger food and drinks. There were quite a few people there. We sat in a booth in a quiet corner of the restaurant. John was so down to earth that I found myself becoming more and more comfortable around him. We talked about so many different things. We talked about music, bragged about concerts we�d been to, movies, hobbies, sports and family. I never once felt inferior to him. Or rather he never makes me feel that way. I couldn�t get over that someone this handsome was sitting here with me. He has blonde hair, the bluest eyes, an amazingly disarming smile and just handsome. He was a few years younger but it didn�t seem to matter. Across the street was a bank with a clock. I happened to notice it read 2:30 am, �Is that the right time?� John looked out the window, �It doesn�t seem we�ve been there that long.� At least that meant he was having a good time. �Do you need to be home by a certain time?� he asked. I said that I didn�t. So we stayed and talked for about another hour. Just after 3:30 am we decided it was time to leave. We arrived back at my house in about fifteen minutes. I hadn�t felt nervous in a while until this moment. The butterflies seemed to come back all at once. What would happen when it came time to say goodnight. Would anything happen? As the perfect gentleman he�d been up to now, he came around to my side of the car and opened the door for me. He walked me to my door. We stood at my door for a few minutes making idle chatter, �Well, I really had a good time.� I was relieved to hear that, �I did too. It just went by too fast.� John asked if he could have a hug. Of course I said he could. This had to be the best hug I�ve ever gotten. Then something strange and funny began to happen. After the hug we started to talk about something else for a few minutes. We�d decide it was time to say goodnight, he�d hug me again and we�d start another conversation. We did this at least three times. After the third hug I asked him if he�d like to sit on our swing in the front yard rather than keep standing. I was actually surprised when he said yes. As we were walking over to the swing, I couldn�t help but think about what a great evening this had been so far. I wonder if I'll see him again after tonight. I sure hope I do. It was a perfect Texas summer night. The stars were still out and there was just enough of a breeze. It had to be after four in the morning but I wasn�t the least bit tired. We must have talked for almost another hour. I was amazed at how much we actually had to say to each other. We had spent the past few months exchanging quite a few letters before tonight. So I guess we weren�t complete strangers. At one point we noticed that it was slowly starting to become light. I wondered what time it could possibly be now. John and I decided it really was time to say goodnight. Neither of us seemed to want to though. John walked me back to my door. By this time the butterflies I had felt earlier were gone now. I didn�t know where this would go from here. But at that moment I didn�t care. If nothing else I end up with a new friend. Hopefully with any luck maybe more than that. He gave me another hug and once again we started talking. This time though we were making tentative plans to go to Sea World next Saturday. I offered to treat since I was working and had a pass to get in free. He started to walk to his car, �I�ll call you later in the week to make definite plans.� I nodded and simply said, �Okay�. I waited on the porch until he got into his car. We waved goodbye and he drove away. I took a deep breath and went in the house. I locked the door behind me and made my way to my bedroom. I sat on the edge of my bed for a minute and thought back on tonight. I have never had a night like this before. I was the one that watched everyone else, my little sister and my friends, go out on dates and wonder that would be like. I couldn�t do anything except cry. For the first time I was good enough. Not me being the quiet one in the group, not me being what my family thinks I should be � just me. That it was okay for me to be myself. I hope the week goes by fast. I can�t wait to spend more time with him. � Copyright 2004 Kris Lemmonds (UN: krislem at Writing.Com)
Copyright © 2004 Kris Lemmonds |