Russian Roulette: Foreshadow December 6, I have been at the front for 94 days now, as the days pass it gets colder and colder. My good friend Boris Fyeudstef was shot in the head by a sniper while standing right next to him. I tried to pick him up but he wouldn’t budge; growing up I thought that being a soldier in war was going to be marvelous. I would go off to war, kill a bunch of Germans, then come home and see my girlfriend and my baby for the first time. Training was hard, but it didn’t teach me about anything that I was going to see and experience when I got out there. The first day that I got to the front, there was a shell attack and 14 soldiers were killed. A lot of nights I don’t even what to write down what I have seen and heard the screaming from wounded soldiers as they drag half of their bodies across the field in search of their other leg. Just as you think that you have seen the worst that could happen, a new disaster comes out of the dust and drags its limbs right past your wet boots. December 17, Food and supplies have been running low lately, everyday our lines retreat further and further back; I don’t know if we can hold it any longer. Bodies have been piling up; there is no place to put them; so we just leave them there. Having enough soldiers on the front lines is not the problem; it’s the shortage of supplies that the soldiers struggle with. Ammunition has been very hard to find lately, all of the soldiers have been conserving their fire. They always make sure to leave one last bullet in their pistols; just in case. They will never be taken alive; they have too much pride to be captured. I don’t know if I could bring myself to pull the trigger on me. It’s one thing being desperate; and doing rash decisions in spite of all the chaos, but suicide is just unreal. December 25, This is the first Christmas that I have ever spent away from home, I remember being a little child and having a great big feast; my parents usually never had enough money to pay for a lot of food or clothes. But every year they would save up their money just to spend it on a great meal on Christmas, it was my favorite day of the year; not because of the presents, but because of the food and how happy we were sitting together. My little sister Nico would always sit to the left of me and my little brother Saris would be sitting across from me smiling, mesmerized by the food that is laid before him. I always thought that the best part was looking at the food rather than actually eating it. January 15, The New Year has come but nothing great has turned in our favor yet, the Germans are still pushing our lines back and supplies have been coming in few at a time. New soldiers keep on coming in a mob at a time, and about half of their group will be killed by the end of the week. A couple of days earlier, a shell attack had just hit and everyone was scrambling for cover, when the attack started to lighten up and we had our chance to push their lines back; I saw a group of fresh soldiers sitting in a trench curled up like babies whimpering. I grabbed one of them by the arm and tried to snap them out of that trance, but he just pushed me off of him and went back to the trench. There was nothing I could do, except let them be until they either went back home, were killed, or would got up and fought. February 2, The beginning hasn’t even started yet, this war has been going on for to long; one side is going to have to give in, I think that it will be our side first. Unless we can get supplies and soldiers that are willing to fight; we are doomed. Most of the infantry that I came with is now either wounded or dead. Slowly every soldier is being picked off one by one; my commanding officer, Major Ghustruf has been with us the whole time. He knows that there is a very slim chance of us winning this war front. Everyone can see it in his face; but he still gives the encouraging speeches of winning the war and going home to our girlfriends and families. He will never surrender; even he is the last to stand against an army of German soldiers. February 24, I woke up early, even before the sun came up; went up to the top of the hill, pulled out a cigarettes and lit it. While I stood their gazing over the horizon; the sun came up and started to light the field. As the sun came up further and further, I started to see all of the bodies just lying on the field unclaimed. Right in no man’s land, there was no Russian or German soldiers, they were just kids; dead. There was no movement; not even a soul was awake this early. How do families find out that they lost their child or their husband? You wouldn’t even be able to identify your brother if he was laying there on that field. March 27, This last month has contained some of the hardest experiences of my stay, possibly my life. I don’t try to remember faces anymore, because when you stumble across a dead body and fall to your knees and you don’t take your eyes off of him. It will take you about 30 min, to realize that you should start moving again. I had to learn this the hard way, I had to experience this over ten times till I finally could get a hold of myself. Some of the things that I have seen, it’s so unbearable; I have nightmares about walking around my town in my uniform and a gun in my hand chasing Germans, and I always end up at my house. No one would ever be there, it would just be empty. I walk a couple of steps into the room and feel the barrel of a pistol against the back of my head; a loud sound will then go off and that’s when I wake up. May 30, For the past couple of months, work has been getting harder and harder; there are a lot more things to do. While attacks were going on, I saw some of the soldiers defending themselves with rocks, the General says that supplies will arrive soon but there has been no sign of it for a while. The only thing that comes in is fresh young blood for Hades. I got my first letter today from Evana, my girlfriend. I’ve been carrying around her picture ever since I left home; I look at it every night religiously; hoping that I will be able to see her face again. My baby girl was born a couple of days ago; Evana named her Eve. I got a picture of her with the letter; she is the most beautiful child ever. Makes me wonder how well I am going to do as a parent when I get out of here… if I get out of here. July 14, I am going to be able to go on leave soon so I can see my family and for the first time see my baby daughter. I have been looking forward to this for what seems a century, I dream every night about seeing her small and innocent face and holding her, knowing that she is safe and well, this would make me die happy. I lost my father as a young child, so I understand what it’s like for her not to have me around. I will have soon been here for over a year, it feels like I have already lived a lifetime here. I don’t even remember a lot of the customs that I was used to doing at home, everything hear has changed my life so much. September 3, In two days I will have been here a year, it amazes me the things that I have learned and the experiences that I have seen. I don’t like being in this war, all there is, is blood and tears. Nothing more has gone into it, this isn’t even about being patriotic and fighting for my country, it’s about surviving. I will go on leave in 5 days and all I can think about is seeing my family and my new daughter. She is growing old already and I don’t want to miss a second of it. I haven’t been getting a lot of sleep, the food here doesn’t fill me and the games that we play at night don’t make me happy. Nothing can calm me down anymore, it’s like I don’t even have an emotion except to fear and mourn about what I have lost. But going home will make up for all of it!!! 3 days later, Lattermear Bouschoff was waiting in a trench when a shell attack started to come down, he didn’t have enough time to react and warn the others. He didn’t get hurt during that attack, but while recovering and getting soldiers out of harms way, a German officer came out of the dust and shot him 4 times, once piercing right through the heart. His family was later notified and along with his journal he had been keeping a couple days before he was shipped out of training camp.
Copyright © 2006 Catherine Lefloy |