Doctor Trek - Timetripe
Ian Kidd

 

DOCTOR TREK


THE NEW ADVENTURES





TIMETRIPE


BY


IAN KIDD





PROLOGUE


THE STORY SO FAR...





Captain James T. Who, with his trusty sidekicks Mr Wok and the shapeshifting

Whifferdill Frobisher, together with an entire complement of staff, left Earth on the

starship TARDISPRISE for a 25 year mission to explore the universe, blow things

up etc etc. They battled homicidal, giant-sized pieces of sentient faecal matter, crazed

Doctor Who fans (are there any other kind?), Mary Whitehouse, JNT, travelled to parallel

worlds where crazy things occurred, like fictional characters being real, and Neighbours

was somehow worth watching after 1991. They encountered their nemeseseseseseses,

the evil Jip and Pane, numerous times, always on one crazed scheme after another,

before finally settling down into retirement, job well done, the TARDISPRISE mothballed.

�Until another insane Jip and Pane scheme - to destroy the universe, with a shoebox! -

pulled them out of retirement. Minus their crew, Who, Wok and Frobisher went out in

the rusting TARDISPRISE and foiled the scheme, Pane being killed in the process.

After completion of the mission, they elected to steal the TARDISPRISE and go on the

run from their own people (as Who said, "After all, that's how it's all going to start!")

and had many wacky adventures, battling sentient homicidal fairy cakes, the evil

Headmaster of The Psychic School, the Klingleks (rather lame Dalek rip-offs), the

Nimons (no comment) and even the terrible Gods of Paipperbagg.

But it was always the evil Jip who remained their constant bugbear, attempting to

take over Future Earth (and killing Admiral Borusa) and getting them arrested

(although they were later released and allowed to leave, in return for occasionally

acting as freelance agents for the Admiralty). He even set in motion a catastrophic

chain of events that nearly killed Who and saw Mr Wok go through a traumatic

transformation...into MS Wok! In the wake of this crisis, Who, Frobisher and MS

Wok battled the evil Great Idiot, a megalomaniac Whifferdil exiled to Earth in the

early 90s, who tried to steal the TARDISPRISE. He failed, and as punishment,

Who exiled him to Australia (the poor bastard, I know how he feels) in prehistoric

times.

But Jip's madness continued unabated, and with Ms Wok electing to leave the

TARDISPRISE and stay on 1991 Earth for no apparent reason (presumably

her contract was up or she'd asked for too much money or something), it seemed

it would be left for Who and Frobisher to battle their nemesis again, and prevent

his insane plans to gain control of Time itself, via the mythical Nostril of Harmony...*









CHAPTER ONE





The small blue tent, or to be more accurate, highly technologically advanced teleport cubicle

with the words "Police Public Call Box" inscribed on the front and a silly rude-looking thing

on top, sat in the corner of the console room of the starship TARDISPRISE.

�By the console itself stood a young man, with short fair hair, a hideous purple overcoat

slung over an attire of white shirt (complete with red question marks on the lapel) a

multi-coloured scarf dangling loosely around his neck. In his hand he clutched an umbrella

as he looked around the console room almost forlornly. The man's name was Captain

James T. Who, an eccentric traveller in space and time, and the umbrella was really his

companion, the sarcastic, shapeshifting Whifferdil known as Frobisher. They had just

returned from Earth after a battle with the rather unintelligent megalomaniac the Great Idiot,

and where his other companion Ms Wok (formerly Mr Wok) had decided to settle down.

�"Going to miss Wok, aren't we, Frobisher?" Who said after a heavy silence.

�"I didn't know we were aiming for her," Frobisher replied, then realised. "Ms, Captain," he

realised again. "Oh, I see. No, not particularly."

�Who released Frobisher, letting him bob about unconvincingly. "Still, no rest. We've got to

find Jip and stop him before he gains control of the Nostril of Harmony."

The console room was suddenly flooded with light and impressive orchestral music began

playing. An old man with white hair, beard and moustache, wearing a white silk suit,

materialised at the other end of the console room, sitting leisurely in an armchair and sipping

champagne. "Want a drop?"

�Who was gobsmacked. "Who - who are you?"

�The man raised an eyebrow. "Can't you guess?"

�"Well, only a Guardian - " Who stopped and stared. The old man smiled. "Oh. I see."

�"You know of the Keys to Time?" The Guardian asked. Who nodded. "Jip needs them to

gain control of the Nostril of Harmony and control time. The consequences of that would be

unimaginable. He must be stopped, Captain."

�"I'm very well aware of that, thank you," Who snapped, forgetting his awe and reverence for

a moment. "I was just on my way to - "

�The Guardian leaned forward. "There are six different keys, which exist at separate points

in space and time. Ordinarily, they are disguised. But near the presence of someone who

knows their true shape, they become instantly recognisable. To anyone who knows what

they are and what they represent, they are hideously dangerous. You must find the keys

before Jip or anyone else does. You must return them to me, whereupon I will give them a

new, impenetrable disguise and scatter them again."

�"Oh, I see," Who nodded. "Oh well, if I must."

�"You will be given an assistant to help you," the Guardian informed him.

�"Oh no, not an assistant!" Who protested. "Guardian, assistants needs training, they need

protecting....couldn't I just manage with Frobisher?"

�"Frobisher is a Whifferdil, Captain," the Guardian reminded him. "He cannot be entrusted

with making the tea, let alone an assignment of this magnitude."

�"Up yours," Frobisher retorted.

�"Oh and Captain, before I go," the Guardian smiled benignly. "I am the White Guardian. For

the sake of cosmic stability, there is also a Black Guardian."

�"Yes I know, I've met him. Small chap, isn't he? Highly excitable, too. Enjoys making fun of

people who say "revativity", if I recall," Who frowned.

�"The Black Guardian - through Jip and others like him - also seeks to possess the Keys to

Time - for evil purposes," the Guardian went on. "You must prevent that, Captain, whatever

happens..." the Guardian, chair, lights and orchestral music vanished.

�"Oh, he's gone, has he?" Frobisher muttered disparagingly. "Good riddance. Took the

champagne too, I notice. Cheapskate."

�"Captain."

Who whirled.

Emerging from one of the inner doors was a girl, around fifteen, with long curly hair, pretty

face, beautiful eyes, and a mouth set in a sardonic smile. "I am Romanadvomitundertable."

�"I'm so sorry about that, is there anything we can do?" Who asked sincerely. He turned to

the console for a moment, then back to her. "Who are you?" he demanded.

�"I am Romanadvomi - " the girl began patiently.

�"Yes, I know. But who are you?"

��The Admiral warned me about your eccentricity,� she smiled. �So naturally I studied your

Bio-Data Record before I considered accepting the assignment as your assistant. Your

Record was very...entertaining.�

��Oh,� Who felt something very much like a sneer coming on. �So you�re the new assistant,

are you?�

��Yes,� the girl replied, waves of superiority flooding from her.

��And what did you say your name was?�

��Romanadvomitundertable.�

��I know how she feels,� Who shook his head. �I don�t like it.�

�The girl was affronted. �What?�

��Your name. It won�t do. Too long. If you�re going to be my assistant, you�ll run into danger

with tiresome predictability. By the time I shout �Watch out Romanadvomi...� he faltered.

��Romanadvomitundertable.�

��Precisely. By the time I�ve finished shouting that, you�d be dead as a dodo,� Who frowned.

�I know. I�ll call you Fred.�

��I don�t like Fred.�

��It�s either Fred...or Romana.�

��Alright, call me Romana!�

��Right. Now then, Fred - what do you know about this?�

��Just that we�re after the Keys to Time before Jip gets them. The Admiral gave me this to

give to you,� Fred handed him a wand-like object. �It�s a wand-like object. Insert it into your

navigation panel and it will indicate the space/time coordinates for the location of each key.�

��But there�s nowhere for it to - � Who stared at a gap in his console that hadn�t been there a

few moments ago. �A hole? In my TARDISPRISE? You insufferable young whippersnapper!�

��Please,� Fred rolled her eyes. �It was all arranged with the Admiral.�

��Listen to me, Fred,� Who snapped. �You were not sent on this mission by Admiral Borusa.�

��What?!� Fred cried. �But - �

��You were sent by a being called the White Guardian,� Who told her. �Even Borusa wouldn�t

send a nappy-snapper barely out of the Academy.�

��I scored 99.9% on my first attempt. I qualified for Starship Captain at age 250. The Admiral

said if I successfully completed this assignment, I�d have my own command before I was

400. How old were you on your first command, Captain? 500? 600? 700?�

��Yes,� Who lied.

��Age 800,� Fred smiled superiorly. �Age 800. Body of a 19 year old. I�m 300 and have the

body of a - if I say so myself - rather delicious 15 year old. How many attempts did you need

to qualify?�

��You know, don�t you?� Who snarled.

�Fred nodded, grinning maliciously. �Sixty-ninth attempt. 50%. Just over the line. Fancy not

even knowing who played the 3rd guard on the left who attacked Jon Pertwee and was

thrown aside in episode 4 of �Planet of the Spiders�.�

��Yes, alright,� Who snapped. �But that doesn�t change the fact that I�m Captain and you�re

not.�

��Yet,� Fred grinned.

��Now.� Who intoned. �So I�m in charge. Understood?�

��Oh, if it does your ego good to have a girl with the body of a sexy fifteen year old at your

every whim, alright,� Fred conceded.

�Who brightened. �Yes, it does actually,� he said gleefully.

��Me too,� Frobisher chuckled.

�Fred looked at the umbrella disdainfully. �You�re a Whifferdil. I rank second only to the

Captain. I�m above you.�

��However you like it, babe,� Frobisher chuckled.

��Oh, stop babbling,� Fred pushed past Who and shoved the wand into the hole.

��That gave me such a thrill,� Frobisher said for no apparent reason.

��Temporal coordinates for the first of the Keys to Time,� Fred began, �are - �

��The planet Fintlefwax Five,� Frobisher interrupted.

��Oh, good,� Who beamed.

��It�s in Jip and Pane�s secret bunker - while we were there!� Frobisher said dramatically.

��Ah,� Who frowned. �Well, we�ll simply wait for us to leave.�

��We can�t. When we left, the place blew up, remember?� Frobisher prompted.

��I always knew time-travel would end in unmitigated disaster,� Who sighed. �Alright - Fred,

Frobisher - into the teleport cubicle - oh, and Frobisher, change shape from that umbrella.�

��Why?�

��Because I�m getting tired of carrying you around all the time,�

��And you look stupid,� Fred pointed out.

��Fine,� Frobisher morphed into a clanking, stupid-looking B Grade robot.

��Well, that helped,� Fred smirked.

��Why that shape?� Who sighed.

��Well, I might as well get into the spirit of things,� Frobisher acknowledged.





CHAPTER TWO





Earth.

The far, far future.

The Citadel.

Admiral Borusa, Lord President Kirk and Castellan Nelkar, were seated in the conference

room around a large table, waiting for their cue.

��Is he here yet?� Kirk enquired.

��Yes, your Excellency,� the lithe, almost unbearably feminine Nelkar told him.

��Involving this...person does not please me,� Kirk said sternly.

��The Constitution states that when in crisis, and the High Council are in agreement - �

Borusa began.

��As indeed we are,� Nelkar put in unnecessarily.

��The President can be overruled,� Kirk nodded in disgust. �What gets me is that the �High

Council� is just two bloody people. I may as well not BE President. I�m just a figurehead, a

totem - �

��An unnecessary piece of furniture?� Borusa suggested.

��Thank you Admiral,� Kirk told him icily. �Send him in.�

�The double doors to the conference room opened and in strode a man, tall, with dark

hair, neatly trimmed beard and moustache, an apparently ageless face, and a suit of pure

black. The unmistakable, saturnine figure of the Captain�s second most notorious renegade,

the Bater.

��Admiral, Lord President, Castellan Nelkar,� the Bater said the names with unmistakable

relish. �I may be seated?� he smirked, sitting down without waiting for a reply. �Now then

what can I do for you?�

��You are one of the most evil and corrupt beings that Fandom has ever produced,� Kirk

spat.

��My nickname�s not �Ian Levine� for nothing,� the Bater growled.

��Your crimes are without number, your villainy without end. Nevertheless,� Kirk almost

choked on his words. �We are prepared to offer you a full and free pardon.�

�The Bater leaned forward arrogantly. �What makes you think I want your forgiveness?�

��We can offer you an alternative to your renegade existence,� Borusa told him.

��Degeneration,� Kirk nodded. �A complete old life cycle.�

�The Bater was interested. �What must I do?�

�Kirk blurted out the words quickly. �Help Captain Who stop Jip.�

�What?� the Bater could hardly believe his ears.

��The Nostril of Harmony,� Kirk began.

��Ah,� the Bater smiled. �The dark bogey at the nose of your Captain�s paradise.�

��Jip is after the Keys to Time,� Borusa interjected. �He intends to take over the Nostril

and if he does, he will hold all eternity in his power. He must be stopped.�

�The Bater nodded. �So you sent for the Captain?�

��We looked for the Captain,� Borusa said. �All we know is the White Guardian is using him

for some purpose. To interfere with the White Guardian - �

��Kinky as it may sound,� the Bater�s eyes twinkled.

��Would be ill-advised. Whatever mission the Guardian has sent the Captain on, we dare

not interfere. It may even be the same mission, but we can hardly risk it.�

�The Bater smiled. �Why me?�

��Because we need someone determined, experienced, ruthless, cunning...�

�And expendable,� the Bater purred.

��Well, exactly,� Borusa assured. �We can hardly send anyone important.�

��Will you go?� Nelkar asked.

��Will you?� Kirk demanded.

�The Bater smiled. �And help the Captain...� he began to laugh evilly, for no readily

discernible motive.





�The teleport cubicle materialised in a wooded clearing not fifteen feet from another - or

rather the same - teleport cubicle on the planet Fintlefwax Five.

�Who looked around disdainfully. "It's not how I remember it. This place has gone to the

dogs since the last time I was here."

�"This is the last time you were here," Fred commented sourly. "Captain, look!"

Not far away, Captain Who (in a different, light brown jacket), Mr Wok and an identical

looking Frobisher were standing in the clearing.

�"It would seem that this soil has some naturally phospherescent characteristics," the "old"

Who was saying.

�Who smirked. "What a ponce," he frowned, realising what he's just said.

�"We haven't time for this, Captain," Fred urged, repressing a smirk. "Let's keep moving."





�Pane was walking down a dark corridor in his and Jip's secret bunker, thinking how dark

the corridors were, when Jip materialised in front of him, sitting in a chair.

�"Pane!" Jip's face creased with apparent delight. "How nice to see you alive!"

�Pane frowned. "Is that a threat?"

�"Where do you think you're going?" Jip questioned.

�"You told me to capture Mr Wok," Pane reminded him.

�"Never mind that now," Jip told him. "I want you to go to the control room and find a key.

When you've found it, bring it to me."

�Pane sighed. "Yes, Jip," he turned and began walking back to the control room.

�Jip cackled evilly, for no readily apparent reason.





�Sniggerax.

The Psychic School.

�The Headmaster stormed from the classroom where he had just waved his gun at Captain

Who, laughed menacingly to thin air for no apparent reason, and was about to return to his

office when a saturnine, bearded man in black appeared in front of him, smacked him in

the face, and while he lay momentarily dazed on concrete, took something from him and

disappeared as quickly and mysteriously as he had arrived.

�The Headmaster sat up, wondering if the man had just been a dream, and if he was, why

he had just run off with his underpants.








�Pane entered the control room and was startled to find Jip there, considering he'd just

left him in the corridor.

�"Where's Mr Wok?" Jip demanded.

�"What?" Pane was nonplussed.

�"I told you to go and capture Mr Wok!" Jip said angrily.

�"Then you told me to come back here!" Pane protested.

�"Yes," Jip fumed, "after you'd got him - oh, get out you stupid little nincompoop!"

�"Bloody Hell!" Pane said in as macho a fashion as he could, and stormed away.

�Jip shook his head, thinking that not only was Pane the most unfailingly stupid person

he'd ever met in his life, but he wasn't very macho either.







�After a terribly macho leap from a tree, Pane was dragging the belligerant Wok down

some dark corridors when he saw Jip. "Here he is, Jip," he said proudly.

�Jip frowned. "Are you totally useless, Pane?"

�Pane contemplated, wondering if it was a trick question. "Jip?"

�"I told you not to bother getting this Chinese fool!" Jip exploded.

�"But - " Pane objected.

�"No buts!" Jip roared. "This isn't "Baywatch"! Go to the control room and find that damn

key! Now!"

�Pane sighed, inwardly admitting that perhaps taking orders from a man who wore PE

shorts on his head wasn't such a great career move after all. "Yes, master," he punched

Wok unconscious to the floor and ran off.






�Captain Who and Frobisher were sitting by the teleport cubicle.

�"Right, that does it, we'll have to go looking for him!" Who conceded. "But please don't

say - " Frobisher joined in " - I told you so!"






�Space Station Delta Sigma.

�Inside Commander Kipling's control room, Captain James T. Who, Mr Wok, Frobisher,

Commander Kipling himself and (Cor Blimey!) Dr Crawford waited in terror as, in the

corridor outside, the terrible Rice Crispies monster banged relentlessly on the door.

�A strange wheezing groaning sound ((C) Terrance Dicks) made the creature turn away

from the door. Down the corridor, a saturnine, bearded man in black had just appeared

from nowhere. Ignoring the door, the creature stalked toward him.

�"Here, Dr Ronlay, here!" The Bater urged. "Ooh dear, have I just given away the twist?"

The creature ran at him, roaring in anger. The Bater kneed him in the groin. As the

creature doubled up, the Bater ripped one of the odd fashion-accessory bin-liners off

the creature's leg, which immediately transformed into a small key.

The Bater vanished, and the creature ran for cover as an apple bomb rocked the station.






�Pane entered the control room and noted with some relief that Jip was mercifully absent.

Probably the Doozebug Dispersal Capacitors again, he assumed. "Now where's that

damned key?" He searched for it, and found it lying on the table where one of Jip's

two bananas had been.

Pane had in his hands the 1st of the Keys to Time.

�Jip entered. "Pane!"

�Pane rushed over and gave him the key. "For you, Jip."

�"What the hell would I want with this?" Jip roared, throwing it away. "And where the hell

is my banana? I tell you, Pane, if you've eaten it - "



�Jip sat up in his chair, eyes ablaze, suddenly remembering part of his new past. "Oh no!"

he roared. "What did I do?!?!?"





CHAPTER THREE





Mr Wok was struggling back to consciousness, when Pane collared him. "Come on, Wok,"

he began dragging him away.


�Pane entered the control room and literally threw Wok at Jip. "'Ere," he grunted.

�"Excellent, Pane," Jip glowered. "You have done very well indeed..."





�Earth.

�England.

�1991.

�In the basement of the home of the megalomaniac known only as the Great idiot, Ms Wok

was held to a chair by an invisible forcefield. Only a few feet away from her on a table, if only

she could have reached it, was all manner of futuristic technological equipment - the Great

Idiot's means of detecting and trapping the TARDISPRISE - and how he intended to

teleport up there and steal the ship.

�There was a noise that sounded like the teleport cubicle materialising, and a saturnine,

bearded man in black appeared by the door. "Don't be afraid," he whispered in velvety

tones, "I bear you no malice." He moved to the equipment, expertly dismantling it, pulling

out a single microchip - which then transformed into a small key - and then put the thing

back together again with equal ease. "Farewell, my lady." Ms Wok half-expected him to

tip his non-existent hat at her. He disappeared.

�Later, the Great Idiot tried to teleport himself up to the TARDISPRISE and ended up

instead back in his own living room.







�Patrolling the dark corridors of Jip and Pane's secret bunker, Captain Who, Fred and

Frobisher came to a sinister-looking door.

�"This is it," Who told them. "Now remember, we've got to get in there, get the key, and

get out of there before we arrive- the other we, the past we. If we run into yourself -

ourself - yourselves, whatever - the Blinovitch Limitation Effect could destroy the fabric of

space!"

�"And the web of time," Fred nodded.

�Who looked at her oddly. "Thank you. Now come on!"

�They burst into the room to find Jip apparently torturing Wok with a contraption that

looked alarmingly like a domestic hairdryer.

��"Leave him alone!" Who ordered authoritatively.

�"Captain!" Jip turned off the hairdryer. "We meet again!"

�"Yes, though I can't say it's a pleasure to see - "Who stopped himself. "Give me the key!"

�Jip frowned. "What is this obsession with keys today?"






�Jip leapt off the chair. "Oh, no," he shook his head. "I'm not going to let myself ruin things

for myself - this time!" he stalked away.






�Who saw the key discarded on the floor of the control room and picked it up. "Thank you

Jip, I'll be going now."

�"B - but..." Jip stammered. "What about my plan to destroy the universe?"

�"Some other time, perhaps," Who smiled and turned to go, just as the future Jip burst in.

�"You're not going anywhere, Captain," Jip told him malevolently.

��Behind him, the original Captain Who and Frobisher entered.

�"Oh, Gord," said Fred.

�"Captain!" cried the original Jip.

�"Jip!" cried the original Who.

�"Er, bye!" Who, Fred and Frobisher ran for the door.

�"Behind you, Captain," Jip snarled. Who turned, and Jip ran after the others.

�"What was all that about?" Who asked.

�"Search me," Jip shrugged. "But anyway, where was I? Ah yes - Captain James T. Who!

We meet again!"

�"Yes," Who nodded, "though I can't say it's a pleasure to see you again...jelly baby?"









�Captain Who, Frobisher and Fred ran to the teleport cubicle in the woods.

�"You're sure you have the key, Captain?" Fred demanded.

�"Of course I have, young lady, I don't mislay things willy-nilly like you young peop - "

Who stopped, patting his pockets, and the expression on his face turned to horror. "I

must have dropped it."

�"It amazes me you've lived as long as you have, Captain," Fred said sourly.

�"The control room!" Who snapped his fingers. "I remember now!"

�"Conveniently," Frobisher commented.

�"We'll have to go back!" Who turned.

�"Wait!" Fred grabbed him. "The teleport cubicle! It'll be quicker!"

�"Yes," Who agreed. He, Fred and Frobisher bundled into the small space. Moments later,

the blue tent dematerialised.






�In Jip's control room, Pane was striding purposefully toward the wires that, once put

together, would (he thought) destroy the universe, although due to Mr Wok's sabotage,

it would in fact only destroy Jip and Pane's secret bunker. "Jip will succeed," Pane

hissed.

The teleport cubicle materialised in the room.

�Who leapt out and saw what was about to happen. "Oh no you don't!" He managed to

clobber Pane in the gut, knocking him to the floor. Who scanned the room, his eyes

ultimately focussing on the key. "A-ha!" he grabbed it and dashed back to the teleport

cubicle, which quickly dematerialised.

�Gasping, Pane crawled to the wires. "Must connect the wires...Save the plan!" He

connected the wires.

Jip and Pane's secret bunker, and Pane with it, were instantly vapourised.







�Captain Who, Frobisher and Fred were back aboard the TARDISPRISE.

"Another mission successfully completed, I think," Who beamed.

�"Don't get too cocky, Captain," Fred warned. "We've five more to locate yet."

�Who shoved the wand into the console. "Young lady, I'm well aware - " he stared at the

readings on the console. "Oh my giddy aunt!"

�"What's the matter?" Fred demanded.

�"All five keys are in the same place - the Nostril of Harmony!" Who cried.

�"Jip!" Fred hissed.

�"We have to stop him!" Who vowed.

�"Well, obviously," Frobisher groaned.






�The Nostril of Harmony.

In reality, it was the left nostril of a man's face carved into a mountain. Inside lay the man's

body in his tomb, and with it, all his power. The man whose love for a television show

called "Doctor Who" had unlocked the secret of time-travel, and created a future society

based on harmony and goodness (the motif of the "Doctor Who" fan - the serious ones,

that is, not the ones who just liked to laugh at the cheap special effects). In Captain Who's

time, however, he was far more than a man, more than a body, more than a legend.

He was a God.

And his name was Lawrence.

In the Nostril, poised over Lawrence's glorious, computerised coffin, was the Bater.

�A wheezing, groaning sound ((C) Terrance Dicks) indicated the arrival of the teleport

cubicle, and Who, Fred and Frobisher sprang out.

�"You're not Jip," Who said, rather obviously. "You have the keys?" The Bater nodded.

"Give them to me."

�The Bater shook his head. "I think not." He drew a Tissue Compressor Eliminator. "I

came here to help you," he said, "a little unwillingly but I came."

�"Dirty devil," Fred said. Who hushed her.

�"My services were scorned, my help refused," the Bater's bitterness was obvious,

if completely unfathomable. "So now I shall help myself - to Time itself!"

�"You can't!" Who objected.

�"You're hardly a suitable candidate," Fred sniffed.

�"The decision is scarcely yours," the Bater reminded her. "Give me the key, Captain,

or I shall take it from your dead bodies."

�"His logic is irrefutable," Fred noted.

�Who handed over the final key.

�The Bater grinned in triumph. "And now I think I'll kill you anyway," his eyes gleamed madly.

"To kill you once, Captain, was never enough for me. How gratifying to be able to do it

several times over!"

�"What is he gibbering about?" Frobisher demanded.

�"More to the point, who exactly is he?" Fred wanted to know.

�"How should I know?" Who threw his hands up. "I've never seen the man before in my

life!"

�"Nice to see you again," said Jip. The Bater whirled. Jip smacked him once, hard. The Bater

went down and stayed down. Jip took the keys from him and moved to Lawrence's tomb,

inserting the keys one by one into the coffin. He laughed as he felt the power flood over

him. "Time itself is mine!" he shrieked.

�"Shouldn't we do something?" Fred inquired.

�"Any suggestions?" Who asked. Fred fell silent. "Thought not."

�An image appeared over the tomb and the maniacally laughing Jip.

It was the face of Lawrence.

�"Yikes," Frobisher commented.

�"Who is it that seeks the power of time eternal?" "Lawrence" boomed.

�"I ! I !" Jip shrieked.

�"He Scottish or something?" Frobisher wanted to know.

�"You want time? To be a part of time? For all time?" Lawrence boomed.

�"I do! I do!" Lawrence shrieked.

�"Then you shall be Time, over all time!" Lawrence boomed.

�Jip vanished. There was an uneasy silence.

�"Where - where is he?" Fred finally asked, nervously.

�"Dead," Lawrence boomed.

�"But...but..." Who spluttered.

�"He gave himself to Time. All time. He wanted to be a part of all time, and so he is. But

that's a tall order," Lawrence gave a mirthless smirk. "I had to scatter tiny particles over him

across every generation there ever was. In every year, Jip's there. A microscopic particle

here, maybe an ear there..." he chuckled.

�Gingerly, Who retrieved the keys. "Can you rescatter these?"

�"Of course." The keys vanished. "He who is stoned shall also be freed. His sins will

find their punishment in due course." The Bater vanished.

�"You know," Frobisher said to Lawrence. "If Mr Wok were here, he'd say you were a real

Hitler - "

�"Frobisher!" Who silenced him. "I apologise oh mighty revered Lawrence. I assume we

are free to go now?"

�"Of course," Lawrence boomed, and vanished.

�Suddenly, Who, Fred and Frobisher were alone in the Nostril of Harmony.





�Who, Frobisher and Fred were back aboard the TARDIS PRISE.

�"So you see, no one can control the Nostril," Who was explaining the plot. "You may be

able to get a finger or two in, but that's all. It has it's own rules. Ultimately, anyone who

goes to that much trouble to get the keys to control Time must by nature be the kind of

person who definitely shouldn't be allowed to."

�"So it's a trap?" Fred twigged.

�"Correct," Who beamed.

�"How cliched and predictable," Frobisher sighed.

��"So Fred, I expect you'll be wanting to go back to Earth now, correct?" Who seemed

oddly eager to drop her off and be on his way.

�"No...not really. Nothing much to go back for, really," Fred told him. Frobisher began to

sigh, long and deep. "And my father, he has this thing about whips..." Who looked at her,

alarmed. Fred grinned. "Besides, I honestly don't know how you idiots would survive

without me!"

�"So you're joining us?" Who said resignedly.

�"You bet!" Fred enthused.

�"Great," Frobisher sighed.

�"Great," Who groaned. �Welcome aboard.�

�Fred grinned.



����������������������������������������������������������������

�������������������������������������������THE CAPTAIN WILL RETURN

��������������������������������������������������������������������IN

����������������������������������"SANTA CLAUS IS COMING TO TOWN"





*AUTHOR'S NOTE - This information is taken from "The Early Years" novella
series by Ian Kidd, and from the videos "The Menace of Jip and Pane" (1988)
by Lawrence Ahlemeyer, "The Big Fairy" (1989) by Jack Lee Rowsen (actually
Lawrence Ahlemeyer), the audio story "Earthtwerp" (recorded in 1991 but unfinished
until 2001) by Ian Kidd, and the videos "The Psychic School" (1990) by Robin Ashby
(really Lawrence Ahlemeyer) from an original idea by Ian Kidd, and "Revenge of
the Great Idiot" (1991) by Jack Lee Rowsen (again, really Lawrence Ahlemeyer)
which was, sadly, the final DT story ever made.
The videos and audio starred Joe Binks (who also plays the Doctor in the Fine Line
series of amateur "Doctor Who" audio dramas, and is a member of new cult band
"The Bonkers") as Captain James T. Who, Scott Fawcus as Mr Wok (excepting
"Great Idiot", where Mr Wok became Ms Wok and was played by Claire Howell),
Chris Naylor as Frobisher (and other characters), Lawrence Ahlemeyer as Jip
(and other characters) and Ian Kidd as Pane and the Great Idiot (and other characters).
For more information on the video and audio series of "Doctor Trek" visit
www.freewebs.com/iankidd





So now you know!;)



































      

 

 

Copyright © 1994 Ian Kidd
Published on the World Wide Web by "www.storymania.com"